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Documenting things

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Documenting things

Postby Exploring » Wed Dec 26, 2018 12:17 pm

there was the feeling of being different. i used lipstick, as i'd been meaning to for days, and started feeling different - standing up taller, more dignified, higher voice. when i asked the therapist about it last time i saw her, she said to express it if i can. so making this to document it, for myself.

But writing this I got confused. I was feeling strange and different like that. I meant to write a quick update in cursive, and I was going to write something like: "In therapy we talked about how [name I go by] sometimes feels like different people and the therapist encouraged her to express it. So I'm making this topic to document it" or somehing like that, though I can't remember what exactly I was going to write now. Except I corrected it as I went because I felt talking about myself in third person was weird and it made me anxious and worried I'd look like I was fabricating things for some reason and I was afraid of only being more confused upon looking back on it later. And now it is all wrong and the feeling is gone and I'm feeling frustrated with myself.

When this kind of thing happens and I feel like this it is so confusing because it feels as though there is two streams of consciousness at the same time. I'm not saying parts or DID or anything. I am me, but I am also someone else, and in a way I am me watching myself be someone else (or at the very least different or a different version of me or whatever). I suck. ( <-- That just popped up so I'm leaving it here cause why not.) So when I came here to write that post I knew what I was going to write, but I also didn't. I had a vague idea that "ok, I'm going online now to make a post and I'm going to make it cursive to distinguish myself", but when it came to writing it down it was like I got stuck because I wanted to write that "[name] talked to her therapist" thing but *I* didn't want to write that. And now it feels like I didn't get to write anything I wanted because I was too busy trying to shut down whatever version I didn't want to write and write what I wanted instead. Which were somehow both. I feel like I'm in a constant state of Schroedinger's cat. :|
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Re: Documenting things

Postby BeccaBee » Wed Dec 26, 2018 1:57 pm

just let go of all that self censorship and just write. you will have ###$ up pronouns and tenses and say $#%^ that sounds crazy and doesn't make sense.

we don't always have words for the dichotomy, and synchrony, and paralleley $#%^ we are trying to put into words. so it comes out wobbled up and weird.

don't edit as you write. just write. try to relax more and think less.

it gets easier with practice.
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Re: Documenting things

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Dec 26, 2018 3:53 pm

Double consciousness is what lept out to me. You feel double consciousness.

I had double consciousness for a few years because I bound two parts together. Beth and Karen. It was necessary at the time because the way events were two unfold I needed two conscious parts. It was ok. I unbound them and then we had to dig Rose up metaphorically and Karen "died" - went deep sleep for a while. Beth is basically Rose but younger. Karen needed a rest and wanted no part of Rose.

Two conscious minds are ok. Difficult to work with when they're very different.

I agree with try not to think about it and let it flow out to am extent. Although I didn't find journals to eachother helpful because it was confusing. I think they were just filling the gap left from not having Karen who is very out going by nature.

I wouldn't want to start talking in third person to a therapist either. I find starting to engage with that disruptive. Aside from feeling exposed and vulnerable it's destabilising for me.

It's ok you can't write out what you intended. Maybe it's because it's better somehow not to. Maybe it's better if you could. I don't know. But i do know that being kind to yourself (all self's regardless of differences) is important for a healthier more productive life.
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Re: Documenting things

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Dec 26, 2018 5:21 pm

BeccaBee wrote:just let go of all that self censorship and just write. you will have ###$ up pronouns and tenses and say $#%^ that sounds crazy and doesn't make sense.


Another quote to put up on the wall! :D :D

That's exactly right. My T has been very helpful in this process--however we express ourselves is fine with him. We don't have to know WHO is talking, or who they are talking about, we can say something that might be wrong, but that's fine, because we can change it later--he won't hold us to it.

It was quite a struggle the first time I let a part write to him in the journal, but it has become easier with practice. As has writing to ourselves in the private journal that's just for us.

We just wrote "crazy" stuff in the private journal the other day, because I was trying to figure out "who" had been sick. Well, I got a roll call of several people telling me they had been sick, and several saying, "No, I was fine!" Then one person said she still had a stomachache and headache, and showed me by having me start to feel it. Then another said, "But my stomach doesn't hurt, see?" And the pain went away! Meanwhile, "I'm" also writing stuff like, "This can't be real."

We use different colored pens to make it easier to know who is talking, although if we don't know, or someone is hiding, we just use black ink with quotation marks around it. "I" just use black ink. So, those most recent pages have different colors talking about being ill or not, and black ink saying how crazy this is and how I must be making it up. :roll: :roll:
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Re: Documenting things

Postby Zor » Wed Dec 26, 2018 10:35 pm

BeccaBee wrote:don't edit as you write. just write. try to relax more and think less.


Along with that, DON'T go back and mark out, edit, change, or remove things written.
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Re: Documenting things

Postby Exploring » Fri Dec 28, 2018 12:35 am

Thank you all for your advice! Is there anything that has helped you let go enough to just write / not edit etc.?

Sarandipity wrote:I wouldn't want to start talking in third person to a therapist either. I find starting to engage with that disruptive. Aside from feeling exposed and vulnerable it's destabilising for me.


Yeah, it makes me feel super exposed. I told my therapist I sometimes slip up and say 'we' instead of 'I' and she told me whatever came up was welcome and allowed. Which is helpful, but doesn't make it any easier or less scary.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:That's exactly right. My T has been very helpful in this process--however we express ourselves is fine with him. We don't have to know WHO is talking, or who they are talking about, we can say something that might be wrong, but that's fine, because we can change it later--he won't hold us to it.


Your T sound amazing!

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Meanwhile, "I'm" also writing stuff like, "This can't be real."


This is me at all times. I could be having a complete break down and still think "maybe I'm just making this up, maybe I'm reading into this, actually, everything is fine".
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Re: Documenting things

Postby BeccaBee » Fri Dec 28, 2018 11:36 am

i think you have to have a calm acceptance that its ok to write anything.

make sure you are in a comfortable place and using tools you like. you have to feel comfortable with your paper. the notebook. the pens/pencils. some people like to type better. I do best with mechanical pencils and college ruled spiral notebooks.

sometimes I will feel like I have to listen really hard and write something I hear far away on the inside.

try not to judge what you write as you write it. just let go......it's not about punctuation or spelling or handwriting or pronouns. it's just expressing yourself.

I agree with Zor also. so much so it bears repeating.

Zor wrote:Along with that, DON'T go back and mark out, edit, change, or remove things written.


the only thing I may occasionally do is add a note for clarity but I do it very respectfully as an addendum with a date.

writing is about what you say. and it is about data collection and learning about yourself. but it's also about trust and communication. it takes time and practice and repetition to build that trust. you have to let go of that control.

when i really do it right it feels like a flow or a trance state.
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Re: Documenting things

Postby Exploring » Sun Dec 30, 2018 10:05 pm

Thank you so much for the tips, BeccaBee! I'm defintely gonna try to incorporate / practise these!
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Re: Documenting things

Postby Zor » Mon Dec 31, 2018 5:13 pm

BeccaBee wrote:i think you have to have a calm acceptance that its ok to write anything.

make sure you are in a comfortable place and using tools you like. you have to feel comfortable with your paper. the notebook. the pens/pencils. some people like to type better. I do best with mechanical pencils and college ruled spiral notebooks.

sometimes I will feel like I have to listen really hard and write something I hear far away on the inside.

try not to judge what you write as you write it. just let go......it's not about punctuation or spelling or handwriting or pronouns. it's just expressing yourself.

I agree with Zor also. so much so it bears repeating.

Zor wrote:Along with that, DON'T go back and mark out, edit, change, or remove things written.


the only thing I may occasionally do is add a note for clarity but I do it very respectfully as an addendum with a date.

writing is about what you say. and it is about data collection and learning about yourself. but it's also about trust and communication. it takes time and practice and repetition to build that trust. you have to let go of that control.

when i really do it right it feels like a flow or a trance state.


ADDING is one thing, and I agree it's ok/good some times.
In the sense I meant "editing" was in a "change in a significant/fundamental way". But I sometimes add margin notes or highlight things to make note of them or clarify things I (or others) have said if it's helpful.
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