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Maybe it's for the best

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Maybe it's for the best

Postby Mosaic Butterflies » Wed Dec 26, 2018 7:29 am

Well, if you've been following my posts recently, you'll know that I've been trying to see if I could get put onto another medication as the medication that I'm on right now (Abilify) has been silencing my alters. It's been a few months that I've been trying to do this and the entire time, my psychiatrist has been just tweaking my Abilify dosage to see if I could access my trauma easier that way (since that's what I told her the Abilify was blocking).

During this time, I found out that lowering the dosage did bring back my alters' communication by a tiny margin, but that was it. So, if I ever want to get communication with my alters back, I'll need to get off of Abilify completely. There is a condition to this kind of situation, however. The Abilify, for the most part, is meant to be a mood stabilizer and has been helping me immensely with my chronic fatigue. So, without it, I'd be pretty much sleepy all of the time, and that's scary when you have to drive places on a daily basis. Not only that, but there's another issue too.

One of the days when I was able to get system communication again, all I got was one of my alters crying and screaming at me, "You brought us back for this?!?" And I got some incredibly self-destructive urges as well. That was frightening and I was relieved when my medication covered up their speech again... that feels very weak of me to admit, but it is the truth.

So now, I feel like my hand is hovering over two kinds of destructive buttons. I can try talking my psychiatrist into giving me a traditional mood stabilizer and not an Antipsychotic like I'm on now so that I can have my alters back. Or I can just accept that maybe it's for the best that I can't hear my alters anymore, I can shut up, and just stay on the Abilify. In any case, I need to make my decision before our next appointment, which isn't that far away, because at that appointment, I'll either be added an antidepressant to the Abilify to help me with my depression, or I'll be switched onto something else entirely.

I really despise having to choose between being functional and having my alters. My alters are the closest family that I have, and I love them all dearly. I just wish there were some way that we could all co-exist without me having to be on sleepy-inducing medication (which is practically all of them). Maybe there is one out there, but I'd have to go through a timely and expensive length of trial-and-error before finding the right combination of medications for me.

Gracious, why did this have to happen to me? It's not fair to have given me these wonderful alters and then to just take them all away from me like that. It feels like the Universe is playing some kind of sick game with me. It's disgusting just how this has all turned out and I just feel like a loser for having to choose between my health and my inner family.

Any thoughts that anyone would like to share about this?
Dx: PTSD, Bipolar 2, OSDD-1b

My System
Stella (22), [Mother] (43), Autumn (22), Diana (25), Alice (15), Aliza (19), Abusive Alter (??), Hurting Alter (??), Kyle (15), Peter (17), Luna (6), Beverly (8), Hungry Child (??), Babushka (??), Baby (??)
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Re: Maybe it's for the best

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Dec 26, 2018 1:16 pm

This is kind of a tricky one.

It's "okay" to be without alters imo and it's "okay" to be with them.

Years back due to trauma we thought Karen had basically died. We were all really sad and missed her. But she was asleep, like snow white, because she needed time to recover. There's a period of about three years we don't remember much of, only bits and pieces. She's only really ready to say anything about it all now and it was 8 years ago and she's only been back with us for about a year and a half. She was mortified about our clothes and doesn't share about those three years although she's starting to. She saw a counselor before she went 8 years ago but she gave the counsellor a breakdown and I don't think that helped her.

I lost track of what I was trying to say. It's difficult to be without parts especially if you're used to them being around.

Another personal example is we have pretty much constantly sleeping parts - because we think they're actually crazy. Wake them up and it's a few months of basically delusional thoughts and we have to do our best to ignore them till they shut back down. They're an "in case of emergency break glass" So when we've been in really bad spots - tied up naked for example - they will get us out. They will do whatever it takes. We sort of accidently woke them up a couple of months back because we had a bf who we were struggling with and their response on initial analysis was "what are we awake for" because to them it wasn't that bad but to be honest we needed them because we needed rid of him but weren't strong to. So they have constantly deluded us with "he's cheating" "he's using you for money" and put us in a situation where we feel trapped and one us hates to feel trapped. They worked us basically until we threw him out of our heads. Their initial assessment was "let's just tell him go away" but then they realised pretty much everyone else has weaknesses to him so instead of working him away they worked us using our weaknesses until we were ready to tell him to go away. But it's been pretty tough with them awake. They make up stories which they get so into they believe. We will try to write them for them one day but listening to it in your head and keep having to make sure no one is getting to believe them is really hard work. They're slowly going dormant again now but I can feel them hanging around making sure we don't take the bf back but that is for our good. He's not good for us. We can't remember all the how's and why but no way Patrick would wake them up unless he had really good reason to. He upset the women really badly emotionally, Patrick came out and tried to work out what the problem was and after 15 mins of dealing with the guy said "f it. Wake up the twins" they were pretty confused, had a little discussion between themselves and we woke up baracaded in our bedroom. Since then they've had the long process of picking apart whatever holds he had over each of us and turning them around. They like that, it's brain manipulation and they are delusional mfs but they won't stop till they reach the end game. They want the guy gone and Karen fully back to herself. We all want that too but the guy was confusing us.

I lost my point again. Sometimes it's good to not have alters. We had meds for years that suppressed everything. We were basically like robots. We did things because they were expected things, we didn't feel anything about them. We didn't have passions or know what we wanted. We all have passions, feel deeply and that's good. But it was easier on the mind numbing medication because it was simpler. Although we had no life enjoyment.

So I see both sides of what you're going through. On the one hand it's easier to just go through the motions but on the other hand you're missing out on parts of yourself and their passions and characteristics.

I don't think there's an answer to give you unfortunately. I think you have to work this out for yourself as best you can and find a middle ground somehow.
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Re: Maybe it's for the best

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Dec 26, 2018 4:39 pm

Do you have the option of going inpatient to have your meds switched safely? If you're able to use sick days or whatever to get time off from work, or have some way of having a hospital stay not be too disruptive, that may be a good plan.

That way, whatever happens in terms of your parts or self-destructive urges, you will be in a safe place. Your psychiatrist would probably be much more willing to make significant changes in your meds (or work with the attending doctor at the hospital to do so) if you're inpatient rather than outpatient.

Also, things are rarely ever completely all or nothing--I'm sure there is a middle ground where you can start to tolerate awareness of your parts and ALSO be able to function. A good T can help you with that.
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Re: Maybe it's for the best

Postby Mosaic Butterflies » Wed Dec 26, 2018 11:51 pm

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Do you have the option of going inpatient to have your meds switched safely? If you're able to use sick days or whatever to get time off from work, or have some way of having a hospital stay not be too disruptive, that may be a good plan.

That way, whatever happens in terms of your parts or self-destructive urges, you will be in a safe place. Your psychiatrist would probably be much more willing to make significant changes in your meds (or work with the attending doctor at the hospital to do so) if you're inpatient rather than outpatient.

Also, things are rarely ever completely all or nothing--I'm sure there is a middle ground where you can start to tolerate awareness of your parts and ALSO be able to function. A good T can help you with that.


Unfortunately, my insurance won't cover an inpatient stay, nor would my family (whom I still live with) support my decision to go inpatient unless it was absolutely necessary (and even then I'm not sure if they'd support me).

But you're right. With proper treatment, I could probably learn to live with my alters again in a way that doesn't distress me as much as it previously did. I just need to stop being so scared of living with them again, I guess... but that's only if my psychiatrist decides to switch me onto another medication. I really hope that this next appointment she will listen to me and switch me onto something else. After all, this will be the third appointment I'll have had to make in order to try and convince her.
Dx: PTSD, Bipolar 2, OSDD-1b

My System
Stella (22), [Mother] (43), Autumn (22), Diana (25), Alice (15), Aliza (19), Abusive Alter (??), Hurting Alter (??), Kyle (15), Peter (17), Luna (6), Beverly (8), Hungry Child (??), Babushka (??), Baby (??)
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