Our partner

Making useful sense of identity alteration

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Violarules

Making useful sense of identity alteration

Postby walden » Sun Dec 23, 2018 1:53 am

Hi all,
So recently realized there is still more work to do here. Long story short, I have been noticing very frequent identity alteration in many odd ways. For example, running my hands through my hair and expecting to feel long locks of blonde dreaded hair. "I" have dark brown short hair :roll:

Another time, "I' kept feeling like I was in a body that was a bit overweight but very strong (a bit like Frenchie from the movie The Departed). I felt fat, and looking in the mirror and seeing "me" as I really am was confusing. Also, in reality, "I"have an athletic runners build. So quite different than this.

Ugh, it's all so disorienting!

Any suggestions on how to make use of these events? My take on it is that this may be due to increased awareness of "parts" that are still very disconnected? Any thoughts or similar experiences are appreciated!
walden
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 131
Joined: Fri Aug 27, 2010 1:40 am
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 4:44 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Making useful sense of identity alteration

Postby raptureblues » Sun Dec 23, 2018 5:39 am

i get this a lot. will run hands through my hair expecting it to be longer and ginger, expecting to have a slightly slimmer body and different physical parts (that leads to dysphoria). sometimes feel like i should be a lot shorter and also younger and end up walking like little kids do. this all lines up with specific alters (jones has long ginger hair and is a guy, bubbles is a small child) but i don't really know why it happens. i'm really unaware of switches and think i'm fronting a lot more than i actually am (apparently) so sometimes i wonder if those moments are due to switches that i'm not picking up on.

if i'm not dealing with depersonalisation (which is a frequent problem, granted), i feel like the body as it is is how i see myself. when i imagine myself, i think of how the body's hair is, same height, same weight, the body aligns with my gender. i have particular clothes that i like. since the confusion over the body lines up with how particular alters see themselves, i assume it's something to do with that, but i haven't really figured it out yet.
alice (18~23, she/her), jones (14~23, he/him), lain (9~14, they/them), charles (~30, he/him), bubbles (<9, she/her), rose (~12, she/her), werne (~12, he/him)

journey thread | insiders weekly
User avatar
raptureblues
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 462
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 11:42 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 9:44 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Making useful sense of identity alteration

Postby BDC66 » Sun Dec 23, 2018 9:10 am

i get this sometimes as well, it usually manifests in my feeling much younger than i am. When i look in the mirror, i expect to see a more youthful me, a young adult me. Now i have an alter who can co-host in stealth mode, what i mean by this is he can co-host without my knowing he is there, he can influence my decissions and i'll think they are mine. What i've noticed is that when i make decissions that are not characteristic of myself, i feel younger. The alter who can stealth co-host is much younger than i am. So when i'm feeling much younger than i am, i attribute it to having another alter either in a very aware co-consious state or even co-hosting with out me being aware of them.
BDC66
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Thu Dec 06, 2018 2:25 am
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 3:44 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Making useful sense of identity alteration

Postby Floralie » Sun Dec 23, 2018 9:51 am

I have these kind of things too, and it's also when I don't feel there's any difference in my mind otherwise or I don't feel anyone being around, near me. Mostly it's my legs, they are way too short and thick when I look down. (I gained some weight last winter due to a physical condition which is now fixed and now we are losing the weight, but still especially Fourteen, who is a boy who has just grown a lot taller, but not any wider yet, and has eating problems, has legs way thinner than mine.) I think it all comes mostly from my teen boys, who are way taller than me and differently build. Sometimes I feel too short when standing up. Fourteens little one (Fourteen is one part of the subsystem, who has DID) felt more cozy in my body than he does in Fourteens body, and it's because my hands and legs aren't as long as his, so he didn't feel as clumsy. Well, he did feel body quite didn't fit and it was a bit clumsy, but different way than Fourteens.

For some reason these sudden feelings of my legs being too short come when I'm outside, and just happen to see them. At home we somehow have just chosen not to look at the body or think about it, and like I've told before, Lucas can shower and everything without being dysphoric, because we just skip the parts that don't fit in our mind, and think how we want to. And that's the way I wanna keep it. Fourteen has been told two times now, my body is his, and he is dysphoric to the point when touching my hair made him cry and feel disgusting. I don't want them to end up like that, when it can be avoided so easily by just letting them to skip everything that doesn't fit.

Sami seems to take advantage of the body thing, he uses it as his disguise. He doesn't think it's his, like non of the parts, who are clearly different from me, do. He is not sad because he can't be seen as who he is, he doesn't need approval from outside. In a way he feels superior if there comes a time when he needs to defend. He is very aware of his surroundings and analyses people around him and knows a lot of things about them. But he doesn't share his own info. And he can't even be seen, so he doesn't mind that too much. His life is inside, in there he looks like he does really and he's not in need of outside (or inside) friends.
User avatar
Floralie
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 433
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 11:44 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Making useful sense of identity alteration

Postby Exploring » Sun Dec 23, 2018 9:54 pm

I've been thinking of myself as being strawberry blond for a long time. I'm not, it just feels like 'me' (although I haven't felt that way in a long time now and the idea of having red hair now feels very 'no'). At one point, when I was feeling especially disconnected, I felt that way so strongly that I got severely depressed. The thought of going outside with my hair looking so wrong (that is, as it does physically) or seeing myself in the mirror was terrible. I'll also sometimes feel taller than I am, almost like a guy, and sometimes I start feeling much younger and feel the way I move my body shift.
Exploring
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2018 6:32 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 9:44 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Making useful sense of identity alteration

Postby walden » Mon Dec 24, 2018 2:47 am

Wow these all great replies! Thanks all!

Paul Dell (Dell & O’Neil, 2009) argues convincingly that the externally-observable ‘signs’ of switching between personality states are only a very small part of what dissociative identity disorder is like in practice. He says that instead it is characterised by ‘highly frequent intrusions into executive functioning and sense of self’ (p.227) and that these ‘intrusions’ occur more frequently than switching, perhaps as much as one hundred times more often.


Seems like these experiences fit squarely into the quote above. I feel like these experiences can be very useful in bridging dissociative barriers with other parts.

On this topic, here is another question:Memories during these periods of identity alteration. Do "you" (host) experience memories "you" never recall when a period of identity alteration is not occurring? Are they at times very clear yet very fleeting?

I feel like when they are brought too close to home, they seem to vapourize..albeit due to some protective mechanism...Perhaps things that lead down a rabbit hole far too painful for "you".
walden
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 131
Joined: Fri Aug 27, 2010 1:40 am
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 4:44 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Making useful sense of identity alteration

Postby subversiverisks » Mon Dec 24, 2018 5:19 pm

Many of us have some form of spirit so calling it a strong hold or whatever the cultural conversation is would be great, if you want to stay safe is ideal. To increase communication and appreicate just pick up on what you enjoy about the hair styles share history of those with longer hair. Dont over think it at the very least aspect of the selves is enough to at least to warrant a more detailed convo with your treatment provider
subversiverisks
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 43
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:38 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 4:44 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Making useful sense of identity alteration

Postby Exploring » Tue Dec 25, 2018 12:09 pm

walden wrote:On this topic, here is another question:Memories during these periods of identity alteration. Do "you" (host) experience memories "you" never recall when a period of identity alteration is not occurring? Are they at times very clear yet very fleeting?

I feel like when they are brought too close to home, they seem to vapourize..albeit due to some protective mechanism...Perhaps things that lead down a rabbit hole far too painful for "you".


I don't know for sure yet if I do have parts / how differentiated they are, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

That said, sometimes when I have flashbacks I won't remember their content later, or I'll 'see' images against my mind but be unable to really see them at the same time. A few months ago an object reminded me of something without being sure of what. I started writing about it to see if it'd help me remember (and also so I wouldn't forget this happened, as, again, that happens). I ended up reliving aspects of an occurence I'm still not entirely sure happened at some point in my life. However, I was already forgetting what I was writing about while I was still writing it down. I now know the 'what' of what I re-experienced and wrote down, but I cannot recall any of the details or sensory information at all. It feels very much like when another person tells you about an experience they had - you know what happened because they told you, but you cannot actually remember anything yourself or picture it in your mind because you weren't there yourself to see it.

A more common occurence for me in my daily life is feeling as if I'm fully present in the moment but not being able to remember what I did later. This usually looks like looking back on my day and realising I have no idea what I did before the present moment. I can usually piece things together once I think about it, i.e. "I meant to go to the store and I now remember looking at tomatoes [insert image of tomatoes in my mind], so I did go to the store".

Sometimes this happens on its own, sometimes it's paired with mood swings. For example, some time ago I 'came to' in my bathroom without any idea where I was, who I was or what happened before 'now'. After a few seconds of confusion, I was aware that before 'now' I'd been in the living-room and I was vaguely aware that I'd been doing something but couldn't quite hold onto what. It was the most jarring experience for me because I KNEW that just moments ago I'd felt fully present and engaged in what I'd been doing, but when I came to it felt completely separate. That day had started with me feeling incredibly motivated and exuberant. When the feeling wore off I found myself feeling exhausted and depressed, then sleepy and dissociated and then the above followed. This is a more 'extreme' example for me though, it's usually not that disjointed.
Exploring
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2018 6:32 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 9:44 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Making useful sense of identity alteration

Postby Windsoar » Wed Dec 26, 2018 7:48 am

Interesting listening to some one else try to explain this. Hard to figure out ourselves. Used to chalk it up to the momentary incursion of another. Still maybe at times. In a situation where it's safe for them to come for longer periods of times now. So notice it's unfamiliar ones that come so temporarily. Hear people refer to lost time. But for us it's not lost. Someone or ones know what happened in that time frame. Wondering if perhaps there is a host or whatever who knows everything. Or perhaps that's the journey.. building an entity who does.
User avatar
Windsoar
Consumer 4
Consumer 4
 
Posts: 97
Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2018 2:07 am
Local time: Thu Mar 21, 2019 2:44 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 43 guests