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SO won't talk to me

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SO won't talk to me

Postby raptureblues » Sat Dec 08, 2018 1:03 pm

i had a bad denial breakdown the other night and since then my partner won't talk to me at all. they deal with DID and their protector has been around a lot. me and him talked things out because he wasn't happy with me but he seemed okay after we talked. he said my partner is really scared and having their own denial issues because of my breakdown the other night. my partner took what i said very personally, but i get the feeling it's also a lot more than that, but because they won't talk to me i have no idea what's going on.

i'm definitely at fault here. i should've regulated my emotions better and hidden it all better. i didn't think about what i was saying and how it'd make my partner feel. my denial is only about myself and my own experiences, but i can understand why it would've been hard to not take what i said personally. but again, the reaction here is very severe. normally my partner is willing to talk to me and address these things. we normally have very good communication. instead they're avoiding fronting entirely, and when they are fronting they keep saying they don't know who they are and that they don't want to exist.

i'm so scared. i don't know what to do. i just want to fix this and talk it out but i can't because my partner's avoiding me. they're literally avoiding even fronting because of me. i can't stop panicking about it. i relapsed last night with self harm and i'm an unstable wreck right now. i just want to fix this and know what's going on.

i don't know if anyone has any advice to give, and it's fine if there's nothing to say, i just had to get this out.
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Re: SO won't talk to me

Postby KawaiiKitty » Sat Dec 08, 2018 1:22 pm

Well nos nyaaaa emotions are a part of life. If you support them they support you. Your denial issues are important tos and of course might affect or upset them but not to ignore or avoid you. That seems like punishment for something undeserving. Maybe they're dealing with other things other then this. I'd just wait it out for a while nyaaaa

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Re: SO won't talk to me

Postby Zor » Sat Dec 08, 2018 1:52 pm

So I am like torn on this... yeah, we (as like systems/whole us like) are responsible for like our actions and stuff, breakdowns included... but like an SO that knows and deals with it a lot SHOULD be understanding, too. Cuz it's not like they are unaware and caught by surprise by the situation...

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Re: SO won't talk to me

Postby SOHank » Sat Dec 08, 2018 2:38 pm

First, do you have others you can talk to that can help support you? Helping yourself is important. You may need to do this before you can do the next one...

Second, if you can, talk to someone in your SO's system. Let them know you care about them and support them. Let them know you are there for them and want to talk, but will give them space if they prefer until they are ready.

As hard as it is, sometimes it just takes time... :(
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Re: SO won't talk to me

Postby raptureblues » Sun Dec 09, 2018 7:52 am

thank you for the responses. me and my partner talked things out, though most of that conversation was me trying to ground my partner, who still believed they were dating their abusive ex-partner (that ended early last year). the situation had really heavily triggered them. they calmed down and seemed to feel better in the end, which is the main thing, though i'm still struggling with feelings of self-hatred and a fear of abandonment.

something that their protector said was our systems developed very differently, under different circumstances and for different reasons. my feelings of denial were taken personally because it came across like i was rejecting my partner and their system's entire way of life. my feelings of denial only apply to me and my situation, but i can understand why what i said was so upsetting.

it's hard, though, because i'm left feeling misunderstood and like this is a "forbidden" feeling. i didn't really get to talk about what i wanted to, which is what we do about me being open about how i feel, but i guess i'll only share things in therapy. i get the feeling it would greatly trigger people here if i talked about all of this. i know many people experience denial, but going by my partner's reaction, my complete and utter rejection and resentment of my situation really upset them, and would upset many people here too. i don't want to make anyone else feel bad. if this feeling is a "bad" or "forbidden" feeling, then i shouldn't share it.
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Re: SO won't talk to me

Postby NyxX » Sun Dec 09, 2018 10:34 am

I don't think feelings should ever be forbidden or bad. A bee isn't being bad if it stings you it is just existing tge way it has to and feelings are also things that usually exist the way they have to in the moment. They are things that can change but first I think they need the space to exist and I'm sorry you don't feel like you have that.
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Re: SO won't talk to me

Postby Zor » Sun Dec 09, 2018 5:12 pm

NyxX wrote:I don't think feelings should ever be forbidden or bad. A bee isn't being bad if it stings you it is just existing tge way it has to and feelings are also things that usually exist the way they have to in the moment. They are things that can change but first I think they need the space to exist and I'm sorry you don't feel like you have that.


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Re: SO won't talk to me

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Dec 09, 2018 7:12 pm

raptureblues wrote: i get the feeling it would greatly trigger people here if i talked about all of this. i know many people experience denial, but going by my partner's reaction, my complete and utter rejection and resentment of my situation really upset them, and would upset many people here too. i don't want to make anyone else feel bad. if this feeling is a "bad" or "forbidden" feeling, then i shouldn't share it.


I was thinking the other day of starting a "Denial Thread" with a big trigger warning on it and maybe with some kind of caveat that it was for systems that have parts that KNOW they have DID, so as not to draw in people who are wondering whether or not they actually have it. Or who want to argue that denial MUST mean that there is a question about the accuracy of the diagnosis.

I know there was a thread about denial a little while back that I think Zor started.

Found it!

dissociative-identity/topic209697.html?hilit=denial%20Zor

I guess you could add to that one, or start a new one.

If you think it will be triggering, put a trigger warning--that's what they're for!! :D
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Re: SO won't talk to me

Postby Johnny-Jack » Mon Dec 10, 2018 2:09 am

People with DID can be triggered badly and your partner was. You more than someone who doesn't have DID understand that. You don't have to stuff your feelings but you can't share anything you want with your partner if some things trigger them badly. I think you're saying you realize that part.

I adopted a young adult son who has DID. After triggering the hell out of each other for months we started building mental lists of behaviors and topics that just have to be avoided or approached super carefully. We agreed it was up to the non-triggered person to apologize in order to help the triggered, as "I'm so sorry that what we did/said triggered you, we'll try hard not to do that again."

Over time we've gotten better at realizing when we're starting to get triggered about something not on a list too and warning the other to stop. Then it's best to identify what it was specifically that was triggering. We both end up taking these "I got triggered" incidents to therapy a lot and that's been really helpful.
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Re: SO won't talk to me

Postby raptureblues » Mon Dec 10, 2018 2:13 am

NyxX wrote:I don't think feelings should ever be forbidden or bad. A bee isn't being bad if it stings you it is just existing tge way it has to and feelings are also things that usually exist the way they have to in the moment. They are things that can change but first I think they need the space to exist and I'm sorry you don't feel like you have that.


thank you, i guess it's something i need to work on. i am very disconnected from my emotions most of the time, and when i'm not i'm completely overwhelmed by them. i also have huge issues with abandonment connected to venting, which i thought i was over and dealing with but clearly i'm not.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I was thinking the other day of starting a "Denial Thread" with a big trigger warning on it and maybe with some kind of caveat that it was for systems that have parts that KNOW they have DID, so as not to draw in people who are wondering whether or not they actually have it. Or who want to argue that denial MUST mean that there is a question about the accuracy of the diagnosis.

I know there was a thread about denial a little while back that I think Zor started.

Found it!

dissociative-identity/topic209697.html?hilit=denial%20Zor

I guess you could add to that one, or start a new one.

If you think it will be triggering, put a trigger warning--that's what they're for!! :D


thank you for the link, i'll check it out. i'm still feeling like i can't talk about this but maybe i'll get the courage to be more open, at least here, where there's a little less fear of being abandoned. i just don't want to set off the kind of reaction that my partner had in other people. i suppose if i make it clear it's going to be about denial, maybe that'll be enough... i'm sure someone will tell me otherwise if that turns out to be the case.

Johnny-Jack wrote:People with DID can be triggered badly and your partner was. You more than someone who doesn't have DID understand that. You don't have to stuff your feelings but you can't share anything you want with your partner if some things trigger them badly. I think you're saying you realize that part.

I adopted a young adult son who has DID. After triggering the hell out of each other for months we started building mental lists of behaviors and topics that just have to be avoided or approached super carefully. We agreed it was up to the non-triggered person to apologize in order to help the triggered, as "I'm so sorry that what we did/said triggered you, we'll try hard not to do that again."

Over time we've gotten better at realizing when we're starting to get triggered about something not on a list too and warning the other to stop. Then it's best to identify what it was specifically that was triggering. We both end up taking these "I got triggered" incidents to therapy a lot and that's been really helpful.


this is really helpful, thank you. i've been making a mental list of the things that have come up, and i'm usually good at avoiding mentioning them, but i guess i wasn't expecting the reaction my partner gave, though i had been worried it was going to happen, so i should've been more careful. i'm going to bring it up in therapy tomorrow.
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