Our partner

An Interesting Unintentional Integration

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Violarules

An Interesting Unintentional Integration

Postby GiveMeAMotive » Wed Dec 05, 2018 6:40 am

A bit of background. I am 35 weeks pregnant and after 26 days of only sleeping 1 hour per 24 I had a psychotic break. I mean there is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture technique... I didn't know who I was, had no memories, didn't know my husband, my kids, not even my psychiatrist. But being pregnant I could not take antispsychotics and a psych admit wasn't really in the options because where I live Child Protective Services will get involved and I was not about to let that happen. But after 3 days of this insanity I surrendered and was willing to go to the ER for a psych admit. Apparently what had happened was the sleep deprivation put my body in survival mode which triggered constant fight or flight anxiety and a pulse hovering around 200. It was miserable. My doctor kept saying I need to break the cycle and sleep but nothing worked. FInally on that Monday ready for a psych admit i went in and the doctor actually listened to me. He gave me intravenous medication and let me sleep and needless to say things have been so much better. But here is the weird part....

My dominate personality is Lizbeth. I created her after enduring some significant trauma at age 22. Me lauren, stopped aging at 22 even though I am the body. I held the feelings. mostly Rage and Sadness. Lizbeth was brave, strong, and held the memories one of our littles, Lizzie held.

So get this....since the psychotic break and since sleeping and getting back to some what normal Lizbeth is gone.... she doesn't have a room anymore. no chair. and I can't find her. I can't talk to her. its like she melded with me Lauren. Im terrified and also somewhat hopeful? Lizzie is very unhappy because in her mind she lost her mom. The one altar that always took care of her. Has this happened to anyone else? Im so afraid that having a child will trigger post partum and ill create another alter. but at the same time i feel ive lost my biggest coping skill. through out the day Id switch. now i don't have that option. I don't know what to do. My therapist....my ignorant stupid therapist is thrilled. She is soooo happy. not even validating how terrifying this all is. I don't know what to do....
Lauren-host-28yrs old
Lizbeth - co-host- 28yrs old
Lizzy-altar-6yrs old-holder of abusive memories
Baby bird-altar-3yrs old-loving and pure
Love alone is worth the fight....
GiveMeAMotive
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 18
Joined: Fri May 19, 2017 12:15 am
Local time: Fri Dec 14, 2018 6:37 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: An Interesting Unintentional Integration

Postby TheCollective » Wed Dec 05, 2018 8:03 am

Sometimes alters disappear. It doesn't mean she is integrated. If she has integrated, you, or at least the one she integrated into, would probably know. How long has it been since this happened? She might just temporarily be hiding.
~TheCollective, F. 30
User avatar
TheCollective
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 779
Joined: Sun Jul 03, 2011 8:23 pm
Local time: Sat Dec 15, 2018 12:37 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: An Interesting Unintentional Integration

Postby GiveMeAMotive » Wed Dec 05, 2018 1:29 pm

she could be in hididng i suppose....but weird things have happned like for example I didn't hold any of the memories and now I know everything She does. not to mention in my room of chairs and beds in my head her chair and bed are gone....
Lauren-host-28yrs old
Lizbeth - co-host- 28yrs old
Lizzy-altar-6yrs old-holder of abusive memories
Baby bird-altar-3yrs old-loving and pure
Love alone is worth the fight....
GiveMeAMotive
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 18
Joined: Fri May 19, 2017 12:15 am
Local time: Fri Dec 14, 2018 6:37 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: An Interesting Unintentional Integration

Postby Floralie » Wed Dec 05, 2018 1:59 pm

I got triggered, so I won't come back to this thread. However I do wanna say what I have to say, and if you don't like me because of it, then you don't. I don't say it to be mean, but to wake you up. I like myself more after trying to do it.

GiveMeAMotive wrote: But being pregnant I could not take antispsychotics and a psych admit wasn't really in the options because where I live Child Protective Services will get involved and I was not about to let that happen.


There is a reason, why Child Protective Services will get involved. It is because children of the psychotic mother need support. It's traumatic for your kids. They need support from outside if they don't have enough in the family, or they need at least someone come and check they have that support in the family. I don't know what are you telling yourself, when you decided they don't deserve it. What ever it is, it's worth changing. Don't be like my parents were, so your kids won't end up in forums like this one.

It's not your fault you are mentally ill. You being mentally ill can still damage your children, and you need to be responsible enough to deal with the facts. Not with what you wish for them, but what is actually happening in their home.
User avatar
Floralie
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 234
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Sat Dec 15, 2018 1:37 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: An Interesting Unintentional Integration

Postby myce » Wed Dec 05, 2018 2:23 pm

This is a triggery topic for me too Floralie, but CPS is unsafe for children too. It's a double-bind. GiveMeAMotive you have to do everything you can to make this less traumatic for your kids, I agree with Floralie on that. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
OSDD self-dx
42f
myce
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 324
Joined: Sat Sep 10, 2016 1:40 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 14, 2018 4:37 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: An Interesting Unintentional Integration

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Dec 05, 2018 2:49 pm

GiveMeAMotive wrote:A bit of background. I am 35 weeks pregnant and after 26 days of only sleeping 1 hour per 24 I had a psychotic break. I mean there is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture technique... I didn't know who I was, had no memories, didn't know my husband, my kids, not even my psychiatrist.


That is not a psychotic break--it's dissociative amnesia. Unless there were other symptoms you're not mentioning. If your psychiatrist called it a psychotic break, they are being very ignorant. And if your therapist doesn't understand dissociation either, it doesn't sound like you are receiving appropriate treatment, and that is going to make the situation worse.
TheGangsAllHere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1877
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 4:15 am
Local time: Fri Dec 14, 2018 3:37 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: An Interesting Unintentional Integration

Postby ItsJustUs » Wed Dec 05, 2018 3:34 pm

TheGangsAllHere wrote:
GiveMeAMotive wrote:A bit of background. I am 35 weeks pregnant and after 26 days of only sleeping 1 hour per 24 I had a psychotic break. I mean there is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture technique... I didn't know who I was, had no memories, didn't know my husband, my kids, not even my psychiatrist.


That is not a psychotic break--it's dissociative amnesia. Unless there were other symptoms you're not mentioning. If your psychiatrist called it a psychotic break, they are being very ignorant. And if your therapist doesn't understand dissociation either, it doesn't sound like you are receiving appropriate treatment, and that is going to make the situation worse.


Yes, I agree with The GangsAllHere, my therapist calls what you're describing as "Dissociative Fugue." Here is the definition I found for you:

"Dissociative fugue is one or more episodes of amnesia in which an individual cannot recall some or all of his or her past. Either the loss of one's identity or the formation of a new identity may occur with sudden, unexpected, purposeful travel away from home."

As far as your "missing" part goes.. who knows. I have had one part integrate into another part (and it was before I was aware of anyone else living in my head with me) and it was my understanding that the integration had been discussed and embraced by both individuals.

That being said, I have hadd instances where a part went "missing," and was worried that i had "lost" them. They almost always ended up coming back around. Usually it was caused by that part being stressed and not knowing how to cope, or she was too tired and just needed a rest. There was no trace of the "missing" person. Then one day, they just suddenly popped back up. Maybe that's what happened here. Maybe this part just couldn't take the insomnia anymore, gave you what she thought you needed (memories) and then went into a deep sleep or locked herself away in some unknown room.

Or, maybe something happened and she DID integrate. There is really no way to tell, other than a "wait and watch" approach. I hope you have talked to your T about all of this.

And as far as the little, I certainly understand her being upset, and you being worried about her. The best you can do is to try to comfort her and take care of her, or ask another insider to take over. I dunno.

K
Kitten 39F-Core, Delilah (age unknown)F- Protector/System Manager/Care Taker, Britney 17F- Former persecutor turned protector, Lilly 5.5F, Little Wolf (young, but age unknown) "job" unknown, Val- age unknown, Female entity, we think she is a protector
ItsJustUs
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 423
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2018 2:03 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 14, 2018 5:37 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: An Interesting Unintentional Integration

Postby GiveMeAMotive » Thu Dec 06, 2018 5:14 am

first I would like to apologize for triggering any of you. That was not my intent. second of all I don't have "Kids". this is my first child. Im a qualified mental health professional and I know the repurcussions of child protective services. I have a supportive husband, mother, father, and am the only one in the family who struggled for all of 2 day with what I now know was dissassociative anmesia. My psychiatrist along with OB and family felt it could be managed without a psych admit of CPS being involved and they were correct. I was NEVER a harm to my self or my baby. I just didn't know who I was.

what I wanted advice on (and have received quite thanksfully) was if this had happened to anyone else as it was a first to me. I reached out so that I could find commradery and possible alternative reasoning for what happened which thanks to some of you I found. I say this very respectfully....I did not post this so that people who have no idea my back story other than the single paragraph a wrote should tell me how i should treat my "kids" and what I should let Child Protective services do.

I have seen posts on this thread detailing abuse, fugue states, altar loss, and everything in between with no trigger warning and I just tried to help. I guess I expected the same in return. How someone can presume to know what I need after reading a paragraph...well thats darn triggering to me.

to those of you who gave me your opinion of whats going on, I spoke to my doc today and he agreed with what was said so thank you for helping put my mind at ease. I wish you all a blessed holiday....unless thats not allowed to be said either.
Lauren-host-28yrs old
Lizbeth - co-host- 28yrs old
Lizzy-altar-6yrs old-holder of abusive memories
Baby bird-altar-3yrs old-loving and pure
Love alone is worth the fight....
GiveMeAMotive
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 18
Joined: Fri May 19, 2017 12:15 am
Local time: Fri Dec 14, 2018 6:37 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: An Interesting Unintentional Integration

Postby Floralie » Thu Dec 06, 2018 10:48 am

I was prepared for you taking what I need to say as an insult, and not as what it really was. You could've also said you don't have kids at the moment, and you have good support system, so there's no need to worry, and still agree with me and the fact children living with mentally ill parents need support. I never said you are bad person or that you are intentionally doing something wrong. The fact there was no children at home now is good news. But soon there will be. So there's still the same remaining question left. Not just right now, but in the future.

What your profession is, has nothing to do with anything. It's like claiming police officers can't commit crimes because they know the law, or claiming all families of doctors, nurses, teachers or any social workers would always be happy, because they have a certain kind of training so they know what is good for their kids. Education has nothing to do with what happens at home. Alice Millers son grew up to be traumatized. Where you work and what your training is, has nothing to do with anything.

If you are taking care of your pets like you should, you should not be scared of animal protection coming to check they are doing fine. If they do, they will go away, because there was nothing to be worried about. It is the same with kids. If there's nothing to hide, why do you get upset? And if there is nothing to worry, there is no reason for CPS to get involved more than a check up. If they offer a support, it doesn't mean you are a failure as a parent.

I was not judging you. I wanted you to pay attention to harmful way of thinking you told in that one sentence. What your profession is, does not change it, neither does the fact if you have kids at the moment or not. There is something you are intentionally hiding from CPS to the point of avoiding help when needed. I am not attacking you, like you think I am. Maybe you don't have a baby yet but soon you will have. I hope your mental issues will be a thing that will be explained to her/him as soon she/he understand spoken language, and that it will never be a secret she/he has to hold for you. And that you will get help every time you need it, because that is not only for you. The fact you and your baby have a lot of support also without CPS is a great thing.

If you will have dissociative episodes after your baby is born, it's great there are other people to look after the child for you in the meantime. It probably means you won't need any services to help you from CPS. That is still their job to make sure that support really is there, and I don't know why you avoid it. They have the same goal you do, to make sure everything is fine with your baby. That can't be a taboo that cannot be talked about. To me it sounds alarming you avoided getting help, so your "secret" will not be known. If you are gonna do it in the future too, my concern is really legitimate. It is also my concern if the child will be coached to not to talk about what happens at home, in order for CPS not getting to know. If they will not be and you will change your way of thinking after your baby is born, it's all good then. To me it just doesn't sound like that would be the case. Why in the earth would it change if it is OK for you now?

Traumas do continue over generations without parents doing it knowingly. It's great you are having help and that you are here, so it doesn't have to happen in your family. Also in order for it not to continue in your child, you have to be open to admit it is a possibility and something to pay attention to. It is not just you, it's all in here who have kids.

I decided not to have kids, because I know I don't have the ability to stay present in this world as much as a baby or a toddler would need. If I would get pregnant by accident, I would be in contact with CPS to have support. I would hope to be in parental coaching and support groups. All the stuff I can not provide myself. I also know what kids need. That is exactly why I would do that, because I know I struggle most with attachment issues. If that is not your problem, it is a good thing. I still don't get why to avoid CPS.

If there is a situation where CPS needs to get involved, parents can also do it really hard, or make it easier to the child with their own attitude. Some parents talk about CPS as an enemy who comes to take kids and put them into horrible places and of course it will make kids scared and worried to death. In fact taking child into custody is very expensive. It will be done if there is a legitimate reason to believe kids are being hurt at home, or if there is no one sane or sober enough to take care of the kids at the moment. Most of CPS work is support to the family, so there wouldn't be a need to take them away from home, because that is traumatic as well. Sometimes there just isn't anything but bad choices in option. It's also parents choice either to work with CPS, or decide to lie, hide or get aggressive or defensive. That tells also in which kind of environment that child is living in.

I know people with DID can also be great parents, they may have very high functioning parental ANP, just like I have had high functioning ANP to take care of my pets, although I can't take care of me nearly as well as I can take care of them.

Sorry for the off topic. I just think what I had to say is too important to be forgotten. I wanna remind you people for the pregnant woman who came in here, because her husband had DID crisis and she was about to deliver soon, and the advice that was given to them. Don't be differently judgmental, because in this case the genders are in opposite roles. If you are willing to admit a dad with DID can be harmful for the child, don't claim a mom can not be. In every situation in here where there has been kids involved, it's very clear advice to put the children first. For some reason there is this weird rule of it being a taboo to talk about things straightly when it is mom who is having the problems. It's a huge blind spot in people's eyes. It would be totally OK to talk about these things with soon to be dad with DID, or a soon to be mom with husband having DID.
User avatar
Floralie
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 234
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Sat Dec 15, 2018 1:37 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: An Interesting Unintentional Integration

Postby NyxX » Thu Dec 06, 2018 12:32 pm

I wanted to add that you can be a harm to your child without deliberate intent just being in an unstable environment can be harmful. And you have discribed yourself as unstable by not having enough sleep and needing to be admitted to inpatient care but refusing.

And did you seriously not expect judgement? You came to a forum for people who experienced childhood trauma (which is usually at the hands of parents) and talked about how unstable you are and your scared child protective services will get involved. If you have a valid concern about them fine but it's just coming across as paranoia about how people will perceive you and not a concern about what's in your child's best interests.
nyx-usual poster
Nixie, The Pixie, Big ZuZu, Z, backup-known active alters
We might mention Ozalces he is our SO he made an account but doesn't use it much
User avatar
NyxX
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1054
Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2018 12:18 am
Local time: Fri Dec 14, 2018 11:37 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: IainEtc, KawaiiKitty, Majestic-12 [Bot], MakersDozn, Muninn, NyxX and 47 guests