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Looking for advice

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Looking for advice

Postby AThousandLetters » Mon Dec 03, 2018 2:16 am

Hey all.

At some point (if I can convince myself it's worth it/it'll help me), I do intend on making a journey/journal thread to explain and track my predicament on here. But for now, I would like some advice about an alter I found recently.

***TW: Talk of doctors, mentions of medical and parental abuse***

This alter is a doctor. Obviously, I know he's not really a doctor, but that's how he presents himself in the inner world. He's been nothing but helpful so far, even helping me calm down from a panic attack earlier in the week, but honestly? He terrifies me. There's an alter in here who tormented me for years, and even when I first found out about him, I wasn't scared of him. This one? I'm scared of.

He's emotionally distant but puts up a very friendly demeanor. It always freaks me out when doctors try to be friendly and nice to me; I have a lot of medical trauma in my background, and whenever they are it feels like they're winding up to do something big and damaging. He's taken two other alters under his wing and acts as their father, and when I asked him why he took them in, he plainly responded, "Their father didn't treat them well, so I took them in, and now they're here with me."

The part of the inner world they all live in, though, is... cold. It's physically cold (lots of snow, from what I've seen), dark, inhospitable. It's also extremely isolated, and several other alters refuse to go there. There's one who is friends with the doctor, and that's it. He's outright said that he's [Doctor's] only friend.

***End TW***

Basically, I have no idea how to deal with this guy. He scares me, he makes me deeply uneasy, scares a good number of the other alters... I know I have to and I have been treating him with respect, but he genuinely makes me uneasy and I don't like being around him. Maybe it's something that'll get better with time? IDK. But if anybody here has tips on situations like this? It'd be very much appreciated.
I can see you in my head again.

DID/PTSD, autism.
Body is in late 20s. 22 confirmed alters of all ages.
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Re: Looking for advice

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon Dec 03, 2018 5:21 am

Hi and welcome!

I think the answer is always more communication. Have you told him how scary he is to you and why? It might be a good first step.
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Re: Looking for advice

Postby birdsong87 » Mon Dec 03, 2018 7:27 am

you said you show him respect. What is it you respect about him?

my point is, you probably act polite, but that is not the same as respect. to respect someone you have to first be able to tolerate who they are in your presence and it sounds to me like this is what you are currently working on. then you step it up to accepting them for who they are, not who you wish they were. it means gaining some understanding that every part is the way they are for a reason and because it has once served the system and sometimes is still serving it.
it means getting to know each other better.

we work with a love vs. fear concept that serves us well. mainly it says that fear will cast out love, if we allow fear into a relationship love will find no room there. love also casts out fear, so if we make an effort to actively love, even when we are scared, the fear goes down. they just can't exist in the same place. we've done this even with violent abuser parts and it has always reduced the fear and opened the relationship for new possibilities.

do you have a therapist who could help you to communicate and act as mediator? maybe a T could help you to understand what is going on inside of you.
never forget, you are all parts of one person. that other part belongs to who you are. a power struggle doesn't even make sense.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: Looking for advice

Postby ItsJustUs » Mon Dec 03, 2018 6:18 pm

Some questions:

Can you pinpoint a reason why he makes you uncomfortable and sacred? Is it JUST because he's a doctor? Is it because he seems "cold?" Is it a combo of the two or something else?

That's your first step, identify what it is about him that makes you uneasy.

Step 2, talk to him. Tell him he scares you and why. If you truly can't figure out why, tell him that too.
My thought on it is that he is the way he is for a reason, and that reason has something to do with protecting you. Remember that every part serves a purpose.

Step 3. Ask him what his job is. If you understand his role, you may better understand why he is the way he is, and that in and of itself may make you feel more settled.

Next, as his "children" how they feel about him. There is obvioulsy a part (or parts, in this case) of you that cares for trusts him. SO talk to those parts, find out what it is about him that made them want to go live with him. He clearly has a care for those other parts, so he can't be all bad.

K
Kitten 39F-Core, Delilah (age unknown)F- Protector/System Manager/Care Taker, Britney 17F- Former persecutor turned protector, Lilly 5.5F, Little Wolf (young, but age unknown) "job" unknown, Val- age unknown, Female entity, we think she is a protector
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Re: Looking for advice

Postby BDC66 » Thu Dec 06, 2018 8:52 am

There isn't much i could add to this that hasn't already been said. What i can add is that i have a member of my family whom i respect tremendously, he is the protector and damn good at his job! That also is the reason why i fear him as well, because he is damn good at his job! He and i communicate regularly. i find that being open and honest seems to work best. We don't always agree on things, but we are always able to come to a mutual resolve.
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Re: Looking for advice

Postby AThousandLetters » Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:30 am

Thank you all for your responses! I appreciate them all, and already feel reassured about my situation. I do have friends w/ their own mental illnesses, but I'm the only person I know in my circle(s) who has DID. It's often very lonely. :oops:

A lot of your points have resonated with me (especially the point about respect from birdsong87, and that two parts of Me do indeed care for him in some capacity as pointed out by ItsJustUs), and I'm going to keep them all in mind moving forward.

Once again, thank you very, very much. :)
I can see you in my head again.

DID/PTSD, autism.
Body is in late 20s. 22 confirmed alters of all ages.
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Re: Looking for advice

Postby IainEtc » Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:18 am

Hi,

Loneliness sucks so you can write here a lot if you want.

I agree with everybody about communication and just want to add that maybe what's feeling weird is that he's inviting other alters away from the group. Maybe he should come hang out with everybody where they are so they can get to know him. A long time ago Colin was like off by himself. He was kind of tough and military. Nobody really trusted him. Then he got closer and showed that he's really a dedicated Protector. Now he's really good at helping us with stuff.

Just a thought.

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: Looking for advice

Postby ItsJustUs » Fri Dec 07, 2018 2:15 pm

IainEtc wrote:Hi,

Loneliness sucks so you can write here a lot if you want.

I agree with everybody about communication and just want to add that maybe what's feeling weird is that he's inviting other alters away from the group. Maybe he should come hang out with everybody where they are so they can get to know him. A long time ago Colin was like off by himself. He was kind of tough and military. Nobody really trusted him. Then he got closer and showed that he's really a dedicated Protector. Now he's really good at helping us with stuff.

Just a thought.

Iain


That's a good point, Iain.

Britney used to be off by herself too. She didn't trust anyone, and no one trusted her. It took a lot of work (on both sides) to make her part of the team. But we're all glad she is.

K
Kitten 39F-Core, Delilah (age unknown)F- Protector/System Manager/Care Taker, Britney 17F- Former persecutor turned protector, Lilly 5.5F, Little Wolf (young, but age unknown) "job" unknown, Val- age unknown, Female entity, we think she is a protector
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Re: Looking for advice

Postby Windsoar » Fri Dec 07, 2018 4:30 pm

Thanks for posting this. We have one very similar. He deals with doctors, learns medical stuff, & is in charge of meds. Listened to him discuss stuff with our docs after recent surgery. Doc said he liked well informed patients!!! He's very matter of fact,logical. Not sure cold fits ours but maybe. Last surgery was very complicated & he & doc were discussing various options & consequences. We didn't want to hear it. Talk about scary. T told us to recognize what his job is, how well he does it. Want to think more about your other points. Thanks for sharing this.
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