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Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

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Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby PlanetIcarus » Sun Nov 11, 2018 5:01 am

I don’t know for sure when we started self harming originally, who was it or why. I remember when I got aware of it. It was spring and I think we were 13. It wasn’t scary, it made me happy. It was a secret that was only mine, and nobody could control it. I couldn’t keep our body safe, but I could keep it mine by acting dangerous ways. It didn’t matter so much other people treated us dangerous ways too. They didn’t know, that we did it too, and they were playing our game now, not theirs. I felt light and good. We stopped eating.

We had a dream. It continued all night, ended for a while only to continue later on. I don’t remember all parts of it, I only remember the last one. In the dream we had been bleeding all over, from our nose and mouth and bottom. We had tried to wipe it off with our hands, but that made it spread all over. I was very calm in a dream, and actually the last part of it wasn’t mine anymore.

I remember being in a room in that dream. It was very small and there were no window. There were two beds, one for two pelple and one for one. I went to the one which was for two people. I don’t remember if the other one was taken or not. In the bed I went to, there was a man. In the dream he pretended he was my uncle, but we both knew he wasn’t. I went under the blanket. Then my mom rushed into the room. She had another blanket with her. She started to rib off my blanket from my blanket cover. It was all white. She replaced it with the one with patterns on it, which had been hers. She said it was satanic. Having patterns in the blanket was satanic. She took the pure white one to herself and left.

I was standing in the room. Door opens and some man I don’t know tells me we are leaving soon. We were about to go to a mall, he had talked about getting there in an earlier part of the dream. I knew I was covered with blood, it was all over my hands and jeans. It had dried already. I knew he saw it all, but he didn’t say anything. He thought I could go like that. I felt sad, but more relieved. He was not gonna pretend he cares, he was gonna let me die.

I went to the bathroom and the bleeding started again. I sat on a toilet seat and blood was running into it. I needed to lean forwards, so the blood coming from my nose and mouth and forehead wouldn’t ruin my clothes more, but would run to the floor. Big puddles was running on the floor. I knew I wasn’t gonna die there, not that time. Bleeding would end eventually, and we were gonna go to the mall like nothing has happened. But I knew it was a disease and it will start again and again, until I’m dead. No-one was gonna do anything about it, they would let me leave. I felt so safe. I wasn’t safe yet, but then I knew I was going to be, I would die for sure.

I woke up feeling safe, and disapointed, because it was just a dream, I had no blood disease in reality. After I woke up from the dream my official suicidal part was born. He separated from me in the dream. Dying is his safety and his friend. I had been self destructive before, but after that he wanted to see blood to feel safe. I won’t tell how he does it.

We are not completely separate. I turn to be him, he never feels stranger in my head for me. His name is Aksu, which was my nickname back then. He is the only one who waits for the moment we die. He has longed it so deeply.

We made an agreament long time ago. He will have his way, if our life doesn’t improve. It hasn’t improved, we are lonelier we’ve ever been. I miss those times. I know it sounds very weird. It was a little before we were brain damaged and taken into custody for long period of time. Elias was still being tortured. I miss the feeling of innocense we had. It was when Elias’ subsystem was active, and I didn’t know our other 12 yos, I didn’t know and Elias didn’t know he was punished for reason. We were hurt, we were called whores and many of us believed it, we looked wrong kind, like a pedophile trap and we felt guilty too, but the biggest feeling we had was Elias feeling he is a victim.

Some of us are ready to go for great lenghts to be innocent again, but it’s not something anyone can give us back. Elias wasn’t right, we weren’t punished without reason, and now our whole system knows about it. But this story was not about it, this was about Aksu. He never feels lonely, because he has death as his trusted friend. Closer he gets, more safe he feels.
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Re: Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby NyxX » Sun Nov 11, 2018 2:05 pm

Is there any way you can get help and support to heal and to have a better life?
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Re: Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby myce » Sun Nov 11, 2018 9:11 pm

You were betrayed in the worst way imaginable as your dreams convey when the mother took your blanket and left you hers. I'm sorry for you. I have parts that wish for death. When I was a young adult I would see images of blood in front of my eyes while I was trying to have a job and function like normal. These parts feel that our civilization is barbaric and they hate living as a human. That's why we dissociate and even become "dead" inside because I couldn't live to feel that all of the time. The fighter part told me we should never die without fighting back because then the bad wins. We have to fight, that's the purgatory of the fighter aspect, we have to fight until there is no reason anymore. That's another way we cope with suicide but it's another torment.
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Re: Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby Floralie » Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:29 pm

I remember when I started to act self harming ways too, I was 14. I had the same experience with it than you did at first, it was about having at least some control over my life. I felt it was my own little secret too, something that can't be taken away from me. My experience is very similar when I started. I didn't do it to die, it was a coping mechanism. It made me feel good about myself. I thought I just liked it. That is what I believed then.

I started cutting when I was 18 I think. If I remember it correctly I actually did it first time when I was in a mental hospital. For me it wasn't the pain or self hatred or anything like that. It was because then I could see my hands and from there I knew I wasn't feeling well. Understanding my own feelings was hard, so I cut to have proof I really have problems. And for some reason having problems made me also feel good about myself. I couldn't really explain that, sometimes I felt very guilty, bc there are plenty of people who feel bad and they wouldn't want to, but I in a way wanted it.

Now I'm a lot older and I can tell now, I was anxious back then, but didn't recognize it, bc it was my normal. That is how it is for my part Fourteen now, he is sad and anxious all the time, but rarely knows about it. I feel it when he comes, but he doesn't, bc it is how he always feels like. I was like that when I was 14 years old. And that is why it felt good to self harm. It took away the anxiety I didn't know I had, bc I had had it since I was a toddler, or even earlier.

I never was a freak who likes to feel bad, I felt good when I knew how I felt, and usually I didn't. It wasn't for the pleasure of it like I thought then, it was all about trying to cope with unbearable feelings I didn't have any names for and couldn't feel, although (and because) I was feeling them all the time.

I can imagine how it feels, when suicide feels safe. It is ultimate control. It can't be taken away from Aksu, he always has the power and therefor is "safe". It's never too late to commit suicide, the chance to do that won't go anywhere. It can be too early. It can be not necessary at all. You can live safely today, and tomorrow, next week and next year, because you will always have the power to end it all. There's no need to use the ultimate control when there still are less dangerous ways of control left. You do know his "safety" is to have the most dangerous thing as his own? You do know suicide is not actually safe?

There are plenty of things you can't control as long as you are underage, but it doesn't mean you can't control anything to the point you need to use the ultimate control because of lacking it in everyday life. You have told you stopped talking years ago. That is when you have given a REALLY BIG AMOUNT of control away. When no one knows what you want and hope for, how could things go your way and how could you have any control over them? I believe there was many times when you were not heard, before you stopped talking, but were they things people you talked them about had control over?

You started to self harm, when you had no ability to keep your body safe. Eventually you ended up where you are now, thinking dying is a safe thing to do. But do you still need that really? Are people still hurting your body, or doing things to your body you don't want them to? If your body is safe now, there's nothing you need to safe it from anymore. Do you know that for real? Does Aksu know that? And if the answer is you are NOT safe, there are still things done to your body you don't want, you can get safe by talking about it to a right person. I can help you with who the right person would be, if you tell me your situation. My sister is working in that field, she knows the laws, I can ask from her, if it is someone from youth home for example. You live in a country with very good social services. I know they don't always work right ways in all cases, and people do get trap in system ways they shouldn't, but there are still things you can try.

What does Aksu need and what do you need, in order for you to feel safe enough or in control enough, he doesn't have to use the ultimate power he has? You know no one can take it away from him, you and he will always be "safe" that way. I just don't want you to kill yourself believing it will protect you, when it actually means it will destroy you for good. It started to feel safe because it is a way to escape. But that is delusion. Instead of keeping you safe, it made you more dangerous to yourself than anyone else is. That is why it feels like a power and control over the bad people. I hope you understand it. It sounds to me you really don't. That you actually believe in the safety of dying. It was traumatic response to life threatening situation you were in. You created him to make you feel in control, when you had no control. Now that you are away from it, you still have the delusion, the traumatic response and are your own enemy without seeing that yourself. The real enemy is there no more. You don't need to die to escape. You already escaped. Starting to kill people won't make things more safe.

The dream you had was interesting. I'm not usually a big fan of trying to understand dreams, but I think yours had a lot very clear symbols in it. You probably know them too. It gave a good picture of the situation you were in back then. I'm sorry you needed to go thru all that. I'm sorry you feel lonely. Just take it slow now, one thing at the time. Most important things first. Are you safe now physically from other people? If not, let's take care of it first. And what ever your situation is, you being danger to yourself won't help it. I know you are able to know it, even if you are not ready to truly understand it. We can safe you from yourself too.
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Re: Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby PlanetIcarus » Sat Dec 01, 2018 7:56 pm

Our suicide is not a thing we could just call off. We’ve promised to do it, to several people, including people in this forum. We promised to do it, and just like we told when we became an outlaw, we were just gonna decide the day ourself, and not submit to anyone else’s will.

It became true when we said it out loud the first time, after Aleksi split. We are not the kind of person who tries to blackmail people by threatening with suicide. We have talked about it only because it is the reality. I want people to know that.

I have a need to talk about that cause it’s not easy. It’s our whole life. We wanted to think other things as long as we could. We hope it just would’ve last longer than it did. I don’t know why we can’t understand any of the things others do. We don’t know how to be social. We can’t even write on forums. We don’t understand different rules, we can’t understand why it’s forbidden to talk about it, we can’t understand how everyone else is fine with all that. We understand we are the problem, because all others seem to understand it all. We really didn’t expect things to go the way they did. We saw non of it coming.

I’m not stupid, and I dont wanna argue. I’d just want support to deal with what’s coming.

I don’t see it being different with dying due a physical illness. I would wanna say proper good byes and hear nice things. I know it’s something we can’t have.

We hoped we would’ve had people who wanna stay in contact with us as long as they can. To have someone willing to stay by our side and care. We don’t have any, and that gives so much more reasons why to go.

We are way too damaged to ever have a normal life. I know some of you have lived alone by a choise. We can’t do that. We need other people, but they don’t understand us anymore, and we don’t understand them.
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Re: Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby myce » Sun Dec 02, 2018 1:42 am

Hello, sorry you're feeling miserable all of the time. It is understandable that you would want to leave this world, feeling no one can meet your needs. But it would be a loss to the world if you did, and what you're feeling now is not everything you are. I hope you will just wait another day, and then another day and another, until some day you feel like you can make it.
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Re: Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Dec 02, 2018 2:07 am

PlanetIcarus wrote:Our suicide is not a thing we could just call off. We’ve promised to do it, to several people, including people in this forum. We promised to do it, and just like we told when we became an outlaw, we were just gonna decide the day ourself, and not submit to anyone else’s will.


You have the freedom to do it or not do it. Of course you can call it off if you want to, just like you can carry it out if you want to. It's not the kind of promise that anyone would hold you to--your decision doesn't need to be based on what you said or didn't say to another person.

I agree with what myce said. There is always a chance that things CAN get better in the future, if you continue to HAVE a future. But if you are constantly in so much pain that you can't stand it, then it's an understandable choice to want to end that.

Despite all of the abuse you had to suffer, you were able to survive and preserve yourself--your personality, your brilliant mind. That's what dissociation allows--those parts that are still capable of enjoying life, of feeling hopeful, of learning to have healthy attachments to safe people--those STILL exist in you, along with the parts that are in such awful pain.

I'm not sure what a "normal life" is. I don't think you are "too damaged" to have a good life and to have people around you who care about you. With the right kind of treatment and support.

But that's not my call to make. Only you can know what your experience is and only you can decide whether or not you can keep going. When someone dies young from a terminal physical illness, they don't have a choice about it. DID is not a terminal illness, so the choice of whether to end your life or to continue on--even if it's just day by day, is up to you.
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Re: Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby Floralie » Sun Dec 02, 2018 2:14 am

I don't wanna argue either. I'm not sure if you meant me by saying that. I know my message to you was provocative, but I wrote it hoping to get you awake. I don't mean to say I think you are stupid, I don't think you are, at all.

I've seen many people trying to support you in here, including myself. I feel you are not able to understand it, but it's not because you are stupid. You may be right about you having hard time understanding others and having others to understand you correctly now. It doesn't mean it will be like that forever. It means you are in a crisis now, and that is not when you should make big decisions. You have people on your side.

You may lack realities right now. I feel I've told you the same thing many times, but you are unable to understand it. It's not your fault, it's bc of the crisis. My message is that I want good things to you. I hope you understand it. If you can't see where I'm coming from, I hope you still trust me when I tell, that is what I want, and I am not alone feeling like this.

I feel I am standing by your side, when I'm writing to you telling you can not owe anyone suicide. If someone has really said something like that to you, they are sick headed people, who don't deserve to be listen to. Or did you feel you owe it everyone in here, because you have talked about it? Because if you meant that, that is not how us on this forum think about it at all. We DON'T WANT you to hurt yourself. Really don't. I feel I can tell it to you for others too. We all would feel awful if you hurt yourself thinking we wanted it somehow. It's not true. Talking about suicide doesn't mean you have to do it. You really don't have to do it to keep your word. It's understandable to be suicidal, we've all been there, at least many of us. It is a big thing and you are allowed to talk about it and it doesn't mean you need to do it. We are talking about our hardships to get over them, not to get stuck with them.

We are not supporting you the way you hope, because we don't want you to commit suicide. I really don't want you to do it, that is why I can't stay by your side when you do it. I try to stay here, so you would live forwards. I do take you seriously. I do believe you are capable of doing it. I don't think you have tried to blackmail me or anyone. I believe you have a death wish. I believe you are in crisis. I believe you need help, plenty of help. I hope you understand yourself how deeply you need it. I know you long for it. I hope you can take it too. Go to a nearest grown up person who is a care taker of yours, who is not abusive, and tell how you feel. I know it's scary to give away the control, but if you can't stop yourself from hurting you, someone else needs to do that for you until you can be on your side yourself again. Are you still in the hospital?

I am really deeply trying to help you out. I have hard time understanding you, I'm not sure what you mean with some of the things you say. I won't support you commit suicide, because then I would be supporting your illness, not you. I want to support YOU. I do want to say nice things to you. You are kind and wise and very young. You are a victim and you are innocent, and you don't deserve to feel the way you do now. You deserve to live. Your life is yours, you can't owe it to anyone for any reason.

There is life after crisis. I don't see any reason why you'd be doomed to live alone for the rest of your life. You may have hard time communicating right now, but it'll go over. I don't want to say these things as a good bye. I say them, because they're true.

You don't need to solve the rest of your life right now. When you feel you don't have a future, you need to just recognize it being what it really is: it's a symptom of depression. It's not truth of your life, it's depression talking in you. Depressions will come and go. Don't believe in lies, it's just a symptom. Nothing else. When you are having hard times, it's babysteps, one by one.
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Re: Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby PlanetIcarus » Thu Dec 06, 2018 2:14 pm

TheGangsAllHere wrote:
When someone dies young from a terminal physical illness, they don't have a choice about it. DID is not a terminal illness, so the choice of whether to end your life or to continue on--even if it's just day by day, is up to you.


We are not suicidal, because we want to die. Aksu is the only one who wants to, and there are some really disturbed tweens who fantasize of being dead. Leon wants to go to Little Prince’s planet and he knows he has to get rid of his body to be able to. Most of us just can’t live after turning 16. No one understands me when I try to explain. We don’t wanna die, there just isn’t way for us to live. We know we need to die, because if we don’t, we will turn 16. We can’t escape that. And no-one understands how it feels like to need to die. No-one but the ones who are dying over physical reason.

We’ve tried to talk about it for two years, but no-one has done anything to make our reasons go away. They are getting bigger and bigger after all we’ve tried to do and failed. If we talk about it, we will be put to a hospital. After we shut up about it or tell we don’t want to die, we will be released if we can take care of day program without much help with it. It doesn’t change anything. Time will not stop for us, because we know when it’s time to eat and time to sleep.

It’s less than a month, and we know that as big traumas as we have there making it impossible to continue, won’t be healed in how much time we have left. All we can hope is to at least have proper good byes. But people refuse cause they can’t understand we didn’t choose this.
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Re: Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby SOHank » Thu Dec 06, 2018 2:54 pm

You are talking about punching your ticket on a one way trip.

I think in 10-20 years you can look back and say, “wow, look at all of that I would have missed”. There is a lot of pain in life, but there is a lot of good to. I get that it’s hard to see that at 16. It sure was for me. But if you can hold on until you are 18, you have the freedom and opportunity to DRASTICALLY change your life how you want! 8)

Even if it’s all through loans, I think going to college would put you a way better spot. Armed forces is another option if you are so inclined. Either are easy paths to change your life from what you have now. It’s a chance to hit that reset button and start a new life on your terms. It worked for me and I’d love to see you give it a chance! :D

You can always go Aksu’s way later, but you can’t try the rest if you punch that ticket now.
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