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Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

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Re: Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Dec 06, 2018 3:11 pm

PlanetIcarus wrote:We are not suicidal, because we want to die. Aksu is the only one who wants to, and there are some really disturbed tweens who fantasize of being dead. Leon wants to go to Little Prince’s planet and he knows he has to get rid of his body to be able to. Most of us just can’t live after turning 16. No one understands me when I try to explain. We don’t wanna die, there just isn’t way for us to live. We know we need to die, because if we don’t, we will turn 16. We can’t escape that. And no-one understands how it feels like to need to die...

...But people refuse cause they can’t understand we didn’t choose this.


PlanetIcarus,

Look at what birdsong87 posted about taking a reality check. There is a story that you are telling yourself about turning 16 that you believe is true and that you believe other people should understand. You don't actually know, in the real, actual world, what will happen when you turn 16--who you are the day before will be the same as who you are the day after. The numbers for ages, and the meaning of them, are all arbitrary.

Unless there is something that you haven't told us, like a change in your living situation when you turn 16, or some other ACTUAL change in your OUTSIDE life that happens when you turn 16. Not legal definitions of consent or whatever.

I think that your experience and your feelings about it are understandable. You feel, very strongly that there is something so intolerable about the idea of being 16 that it feels like you will not be able to survive knowing that you are 16.

That is DIFFERENT than a physical illness that will kill you. You didn't choose what happened to you--of course! And you have had to suffer at the hands of evil people. I am so furious and sad at what was done to you and what it has led you to believe about yourself. Things that are NOT true.

And I hear that you feel like you NEED to die. But that is coming from certain parts with certain beliefs, and you have other parts that can think more clearly and might know that there could be another way. You won't find out unless you see what happens after you turn 16. Even that can be handled one day at a time. The choice is always yours. And it IS a choice, no matter how strongly those parts are trying to tell you that it has to happen and that you can't "escape."
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Re: Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby NyxX » Thu Dec 06, 2018 4:24 pm

When we were 16/17 (not sure the actual age a little after our GCSE's) we tried to kill ourselves. We didn't do it because we wanted to die but because it was the only way we could think of getting the pain to stop. It doesn't matter if you feel like you have a choice or not it's still being suicidal. Our life drastically changed after that however in ways we could have never imagined then.

By the time we were 19 we had escaped and cut all ties with everyone from our biological family. We had a safe home for the first time we understood what it meant to be safe. We were working full time and independent and able to make our own choices. We had found Ozalces and learnt that love didn't have to hurt.

So I can't support your belief that you have to die because you don't. And because you haven't reached an age yet when you are allowed to have power over your own life and to me that means your going to end your life before you get the chance to make it something better.
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Re: Stories of our suicidality (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby myce » Fri Dec 07, 2018 5:19 am

I understand that you feel trapped like you have no choice. That is real to you because somebody did that to you, but you can change it. There has been past discussion about self-destroyer alters that are programmed to suicide. Death threats create splits and suicide alters. I found this,

Self Destroyer's are usually found in Cult abuse, and may have a specific "date" or "circumstance" that they are programmed to "wake up" for... usually to wake up and kill the body (commit suicide) if the person remembers their abuser, or being abused. source: forum

and this,
Self-destroyer Alter Personalities

“Self-destroyer alter personalities are considered special purpose fragments rather than full alter personalities and are generally found only in survivors of cult abuse.” (Fike, 1990a) Although suicidal alters are certainly present in most patients with multiple personality disorder, the self-destroyer is different in that it was created by the cult for the sole purpose of destroying the body should the individual disclose secrets of the cult. This alter was created through the use of abuse or torture, and explains the extreme secrecy of these patients. The internal conflict for these patients in therapy is great, and it is very difficult for the therapist to obtain a true history of the abuse. It is only after a great trust has been established that the patient is able to disclose cult information in therapy, and then it is with great fear.

Often the self-destroyer does not become evident until a suicide attempt has been made and it can be related to recent disclosure of cult activities. It is then important to do whatever is necessary to protect the patient from further self-harm
. source: https://www.nurseslearning.com/courses/ ... /index.htm

Notice the source from 1990. This kind of programming has been known for a long time. I think your suicide was programmed even if it's different than described above. They would want to murder you without getting blood on their clothes because dead victims can't talk. The criminals want the evidence of their crimes to die, and they want to keep the public unaware of what they're doing. You are kind, you are smart, you are sensitive, and stronger than you think. You can find the program and change it. By speaking on forums telling of your experiences (and helping others when you feel strong enough), you are a threat to the secrecy that they trying to protect.
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