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Alone

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Alone

Postby robotfun » Fri Nov 09, 2018 5:46 pm

I was going to post this in "How are you doing today" thread, I posted it here because I would appreciate any feedback.

<--TW talk of loss of a distant family member-->
Woke up this morning feeling as bad as I felt last night, so alone. I thought sleeping would reset things and calm everyone down. My cousins are gone to the funeral out of town for the weekend, so I am all alone up here away from some of the only people I know that would give me any support that I would feel comfortable asking of someone. One thing I did learn is that I can ask people for help, there are some, but I have held myself back from doing so.

I met with my cousin before he left for the funeral. He was dealing with his loss in his own way, he wasn't emotional and seemed detached. The whole time I have been worrying about their loss. Then out of nowhere, he started talking about me and how it affected me. We then got into my life and my relationship with my family and why I don't talk to them. He said him and his brothers were concerned. The thing is they have never, what I feel, seemed interested or cared about it.

I think the emotional state of the cousins have got them thinking about these kind of things and seem to be concerned. It really did come out of nowhere. I didn't know how to react. I had it in my mind that I should be concerned about them and support them and that the situation didn't have much to do with me. I appreciate them feeling and thinking about me and caring.

It has really gotten me thinking why I haven't told S one of the cousins I am closest to. Really it has to do with them being a part of my family, if they weren't my family and we were this close I probably would have talked to S about it.

My father is their uncle, so I don't know what they will think or if they will believe me. I don't want it to spread out because... well I don't know.... I still have to think about why. Something to do with losing my cousins. I will be so vulnerable. Im scared, I don't know... its all very confusing...

it has to do with upsetting the abusive alter, he will hurt us, hurt kid alters, if he finds out we told people, told our family. My worst fear is that they won't understand what I am telling them or show any empathy for me.

Through all this -- I don't think I've ever felt this alone before, even though I have been alone for the last 4 years or so. I think the loss of the family member has affected us way more then we think....
"My dear, you wouldn't care so much about what people think, if you realized how little they care."
Dx: DID, Bipolar II
Male bodied 31 year old
Alters: 44
Host (30), Brittany (25) , Tyson (22), others....
Rx: Lamictal 400mg , Quetiapine
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Re: Alone

Postby birdsong87 » Fri Nov 09, 2018 7:21 pm

I think your alter who doesn't want you to share might have a point. Sharing to get a hoped-for response is tricky, cause we can't control other people or their responses. It is a protection to stay silent.
I am not saying that the protection is needed, just that it's not weird to want that in place.

We left our family and it does get hard at times. I long for a dissociated memory, as I only remember part of the story. And a fantasy of what family could be like.
I have to keep doing reality checks to remind myself that the real family is not like my fantasy family at all and that I am not missing out on anything because it wouldn't be the way I dream it would be.

When I get hit by the loneliness it is almost always an emotional flashback. somehow I live thru the abandonment of childhood in an intense way, feeling the pain and the... empty space... around me. Like I am all alone in the endless universe.
That is not current reality, where I have a T and friends around me who support me.
it is tricky to notice these flashbacks, but the intensity of a feeling is an indicator. If it is way too intense for the situation or totally unbearable it is probably from trauma time.

family stuff is always so difficult. I hope you can find wisdom how to deal with it.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host); Mike (caregiver); Asti (co-host, achiever); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Thamara (child); Danielle; and others
our blog on resources: www.dis-sos.com
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