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alters breaking agreements

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alters breaking agreements

Postby juiliet » Thu Nov 08, 2018 10:01 pm

hello! i hope everybody here is having a great day!!

a few months ago my system drafted an agreement that gave everyone allotted time in the day to do what they needed to do. it was really difficult to negotiate out the times, especially around our new college schedule. it was a bit rocky for the first few weeks as we were adjusting to the schedule and life away from parents for the first time, but it quickly smoothed out and everything was going really well... until about 2 or 3 weeks ago. instead of heading back at the agreed time, a couple of my alters have been taking up extra time, which infringes on other alters' times to do things, which causes fights and drama. as if that wasn't bad enough, recently i've been finding myself in odd places on campus (places i don't usually go but my alters frequent) at inappropriate times... to be more specific, class times. i really can't afford to be skipping class, but no matter what i tell them they don't seem to want to listen... just yell. from what i did hear though, some issues are not just other alters stealing time from others. some of my parts feel confined to squeeze their experience with the real world in these limiting slots.

has anyone else had a similar issue? is there anything that you could suggest? i've had inner world conferences twice in the past week, but the first one divulged into nothing but yelling and some people didn't even both to show up to the second! i do have an appointment with my T soon, so i'm hoping maybe they can help too...

**vent below, no need to read**

it's frustrating honestly, because i do get it, it's important that they get to do what they want to do, and because we no longer live with parents 24/7 and have a less structured schedule there is a lot more they can do, but the unfortunate truth is that there are still things i as host need to do such as attending class, studying, and doing assignments entails, PLUS taking care of the body (can't forget that!). if i don't turn in assignments or attend class i could lose my scholarship, and then we wouldn't be able to go to college and trust me, we need to be here. they don't really seem to care though... or they do but... not as much as they care about getting their time (or getting back at each other). it hurts too because by breaking the agreement i feel like it says a message that what i put out wasn't good enough for them, or that they think it wasn't fair... also, if this about them wanting to switch or change their times up, i've told them that if they would like to adjust their times they can, and we have (with everyone's full agreement), so it kind of feels like they don't trust me enough to listen, which stings, ouch.

on the other side... what if i can't get this under control and we do flunk out? i have such a huge fear of being 'too traumatized to do anything'. like that would be the ultimate win for the people who hurt me, if i couldn't live a productive, happy life. there's no shame in being on disability, that's not what i'm talking about, nor do i mean needing assistance from others, what i mean is... just not believing in my own ability to achieve (i think the term is self-efficacy... but don't quote me on that).

maybe i'm too caught up on the idea that my own self worth is so rooted in my ability to function 'normally' on my own, like any non multiple person would. maybe i need to accept that i can't just do all the outside tasks on my own. maybe i should ask for help with outside tasks from inner parts so they don't feel as if they're so confined to these slots and can have more interaction with the outside world. granted, there are still things that have to be done, but at least they won't feel so trapped? oh heck...!! i think i just turned into my therapist there for a second...

-j (host)
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Re: alters breaking agreements

Postby NyxX » Thu Nov 08, 2018 10:18 pm

It's sounds like your trying to live one life and the others are trying to live there own separate lives and of course that would cause trouble because there will just never be enough hours in the day. I think you guys need to work on cooperation and working towards common goals and just figuring out what those goals are. And it takes time and effort and sometimes progress is slower or faster and sometimes it doesn't stick and something happens that sets you back. There isn't really any answer we can give accept to keep trying and putting the effort into working together for your common future.
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Re: alters breaking agreements

Postby SOHank » Sat Nov 10, 2018 2:22 am

This may be a dumb question, but have you asked them why? Is there an unmet need? Are there any classes some of them would enjoy, maybe an elective, and letting them take them as long as they "share notes" and don't skip out on the test?

One thing I've found with working with my wife is different alters views on outside changed over time. Some are afraid or timid of time outside (fully fronting). Some like time outside, but find it tiring and only want short bits. Others found that they liked the time out and started wanting more. At least one frequently wanted more time out until being pushed into temporary host duties for a few days when Sunflower got overwhelmed and disappeared a while. After that, she told me how she doesn't see how SF does it everyday.

The biggest breakthrough we've had on this so far is a combination of developing co-presence and doing activities that multiple insiders enjoy. We worked on a jigsaw puzzle together with lots of little goofy pictures. Several of my wife's insiders took turns putting a few pieces in and handing off to someone else. Others, like Emma liked looking at the funny characters. I've heard similar things about the Star Wars movies where someone enjoys the music, another the cinematography, another the story, another the action, etc.

I guess one more thing is the freedom is exhilarating as you can do anything you want and there is so much to experience, but there are consequences. Striking that balance even as a singleton is difficult. :wink:

Lastly, you might talk to ItsJustUs. She's been in your shoes before. 4 kids, a divorce later, and decade + later, she is about the graduate and sounds like she has a very good understanding husband.
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Re: alters breaking agreements

Postby birdsong87 » Sat Nov 10, 2018 7:36 am

we've tried a static schedule for all of us in the past. It didn't work out for long.
it is an honorable idea to give everyone equal amounts of time but life isn't static and we have to respond to needs as they arise in response to the outside world. Might be that your plan is just not flexible enough.

yes, ask for the needs and reasons. Behavior doesn't just happen, it always has reasons.
as you work on being co-conscious and sharing more of life things will get easier, because more parts will feel that they are participating already and won't need a lot of extra time. the more dissociated you are the harder it will get because time is never enough.

If you are not mature enough to keep blame out of your inner relationships your T needs to help you with your inner communication. blame is setting you all up for failure. It means that everyone has already decided that the other one is the "bad guy" in this drama and that they themselves are not responsible.

if it is a single event of a broken agreement we would do a DID-adapted behavior chain analysis to figure out what is going on. your situation sounds more complex with more parts involved that has already progressed into power-struggle state. Your T should be able to help.
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Re: alters breaking agreements

Postby Westy » Fri Nov 16, 2018 8:05 pm

Best advice I can give here is to make friends with as many altars as you can, makes it a lot easier to negotiate time. Maybe once you're closer they may even pitch in to help reach a common goal and you may lose less time for a while. Or you could try bribery, "If you let me have more time now, once I reach my goals I'll make sure you get 'X."

Try and get as many people on the same page as possible, get as many of them to agree with your ideas as possible. Because otherwise (in our case at least) they end up fronting accidentally anyway because they're suppressing their wants/feelings/needs and so it builds up until they feel overwhelmed. I think in our case the brain body and altars are all separate and whenever there's arguements over anything and we can't reach a decision or we keep changing our minds, it gives control to whoever feels most strongly at the time, even if it's counterproductive or even detrimental to the others. Not exactly an ideal situation but you will find a way through it all, hang in there.
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