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Uncovering the Hurt

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Uncovering the Hurt

Postby Zor » Wed Nov 07, 2018 8:19 pm

Since I was first told a dissociative disorder was suspected, even a preliminary diagnosis given... "What caused this?!" In the past many months, I've gone from confusion and MAYBE a diagnosis, to an "unspecified" diagnosis, and finally being formally diagnosed with DID.

It's been a wild ride, and it seems to only get harder the more I dive into figuring out who I am, who we are... and trying to get the rest of us more connected, get more aware of them, working with them more than just sort of existing and not really "together"... The more I work towards this, the more things seem to get harder and confusing... But in all of this, the questions still nags at my mind... "WHY?! HOW?!"

So I was talking to my mother yesterday, asking about things in my childhood, back to the toddler to 3rd grade range, an area of my life I basically have NO PART OF. In that conversation I found out I was home schooled for FOUR YEARS- I remembered only a year- and constructed an entire 3 year span of public school I THOUGHT I'd attended for all these years.

In that conversation Mom said something about a period when I was 2-3 when an aunt and uncle (with my 2 cousins, about the age of my brother and I) lived with us. HE was "a jerk, a real jackass" Mom said, and when I pressed about what she meant she slipped and said "well he was just a pervert". She wouldn't expound on that, b/c my dad was there with her and he doesn't want to hear it, to deal with it and face it.

I know Angel knows- he was the one that suffered sometimes for us when I was hiding or taken away. I know Pixie knows something, too... and b/c she does, so does Kitten. I am so close to knowing something, to being able to face it and try and heal, to deal with it and cope with it... yet without answers...

I don't even know why I'm sharing this. I don't even know what TO share b/c I don't even know what happened... but I'm really certain at this point that it's got to do with sexual molestation when I was a toddler... and some things later maybe adding to the trauma, or being new trauma (even if not as severe and directly physical)...

Maybe I just need to vent to someone that understands this kind of pain and stress... someone that cares, in the way that only on with a sense of familiarity can. Maybe I am hoping something will help uncover what happened, help expose what has been hidden from me all this time- to help me understand, recover, and connect with the rest of us... I don't know honestly.
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Re: Uncovering the Hurt

Postby PlanetIcarus » Wed Nov 07, 2018 10:06 pm

No, no. You’re a man. Never admit ANY of it. There’s no turning back after you do. You will became part of the world of sexually abused people. Your story or feelings don’t matter. It doesn’t matter how young you were. There are only two kind of people, there’s victims and there’s men. You’re a man.

Never admit. It’s the biggest mistake. You will be held responsible of all abuse there has ever been, if you enter that world. Keep yourself safe, keep your littles safe, and stay away.

I had two 4 yos. They were boys, and they’re both gone, after accuses and abandonment. They were kept responsible. When they were still contactable but suffering, I told everyone about what is happening to them. I told in two trauma forums, where they had wrote, and we thought they had friends. They didn’t. No one said anything to them. It’s like they never existed.

Leon used to write here when he was a prince. But then he turned to be a boy and he got abandoned. I told about it in here, but no one wanted to talk to him here either. They say they are sorry for how much it has to hurt, but they didn’t talk to him either anymore.

It’s not in your Books, but that is how world works. It’s a sin, and there’s no mercy.

I made the mistake you are doing now. I got support with other things and we really believed we could be supported as SA victims as well. People stopped talking to us and we were hospitalized for 8 months. Don’t do it to yourself. Never admit. You will be left alone and treated as a mollester. That is what boys are in the world of abused. You don’t have to enter. I regret so much we did, but we can’t erase it.

We wouldn’t have believed if we would’ve been warned. The change was so major and so sudden. We would’ve thought it’s just some kind of crazy talk. But it was before we read those forums and saw how true victims fantacise about torturing men sexually. They wanted to do all that was done to us, and we were to blame for what was done and for what they fantacise.

No amount of shame and guilt will ever be enough for you to be forgiven if you tell. You don’t need the blame. It’s hard enough to be alone with it. It gets harder if you tell. You’ll still be alone, but there will be plenty of people against you.

I was 14 when I told. Luckily I never told any adult who’s near me in real life. I still have silence to hide in.
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Re: Uncovering the Hurt

Postby ItsJustUs » Wed Nov 07, 2018 10:23 pm

Zor wrote:Since I was first told a dissociative disorder was suspected, even a preliminary diagnosis given... "What caused this?!" In the past many months, I've gone from confusion and MAYBE a diagnosis, to an "unspecified" diagnosis, and finally being formally diagnosed with DID.

It's been a wild ride, and it seems to only get harder the more I dive into figuring out who I am, who we are... and trying to get the rest of us more connected, get more aware of them, working with them more than just sort of existing and not really "together"... The more I work towards this, the more things seem to get harder and confusing... But in all of this, the questions still nags at my mind... "WHY?! HOW?!"

So I was talking to my mother yesterday, asking about things in my childhood, back to the toddler to 3rd grade range, an area of my life I basically have NO PART OF. In that conversation I found out I was home schooled for FOUR YEARS- I remembered only a year- and constructed an entire 3 year span of public school I THOUGHT I'd attended for all these years.

In that conversation Mom said something about a period when I was 2-3 when an aunt and uncle (with my 2 cousins, about the age of my brother and I) lived with us. HE was "a jerk, a real jackass" Mom said, and when I pressed about what she meant she slipped and said "well he was just a pervert". She wouldn't expound on that, b/c my dad was there with her and he doesn't want to hear it, to deal with it and face it.

I know Angel knows- he was the one that suffered sometimes for us when I was hiding or taken away. I know Pixie knows something, too... and b/c she does, so does Kitten. I am so close to knowing something, to being able to face it and try and heal, to deal with it and cope with it... yet without answers...

I don't even know why I'm sharing this. I don't even know what TO share b/c I don't even know what happened... but I'm really certain at this point that it's got to do with sexual molestation when I was a toddler... and some things later maybe adding to the trauma, or being new trauma (even if not as severe and directly physical)...

Maybe I just need to vent to someone that understands this kind of pain and stress... someone that cares, in the way that only on with a sense of familiarity can. Maybe I am hoping something will help uncover what happened, help expose what has been hidden from me all this time- to help me understand, recover, and connect with the rest of us... I don't know honestly.


They know. At least some of them, and you know they know, or you wouldn't have said it.
Understand that they have hidden it because they are protecting you. But, if you feel like you are ready to know, then talk to them. Tell them you want to know, but also that you trust them to only give you what you can handle, small parts at a time. As you handle each part, and heal from each little bit, then they will give you more.

I strongly suggest telling your therapist what you told us. And working through this under their supervision. Once you know things, you can't un-know them. It's good to know, healing depends on it. But sometimes it's hard knowing things, because you have no idea of knowing how bad they are, until you already know.

You will still be a man. Knowing you were abused, and knowing what happened won't make you less of a man.

Pixie, Angel, Kitten and the rest... they care about you. They protect you. They want what is best for you. Thank them for protecting you all these years. Make sure they know that you know you need them, and you love them for what they have done for you... what they have experienced so that you didn't have to. If you want them to show you or tell you what happened, they have to know you're ready for it.

I wish you the best of luck.

K


-- Wed Nov 07, 2018 4:24 pm --

PlanetIcarus wrote:No, no. You’re a man. Never admit ANY of it. There’s no turning back after you do. You will became part of the world of sexually abused people. Your story or feelings don’t matter. It doesn’t matter how young you were. There are only two kind of people, there’s victims and there’s men. You’re a man.

Never admit. It’s the biggest mistake. You will be held responsible of all abuse there has ever been, if you enter that world. Keep yourself safe, keep your littles safe, and stay away.

I had two 4 yos. They were boys, and they’re both gone, after accuses and abandonment. They were kept responsible. When they were still contactable but suffering, I told everyone about what is happening to them. I told in two trauma forums, where they had wrote, and we thought they had friends. They didn’t. No one said anything to them. It’s like they never existed.

Leon used to write here when he was a prince. But then he turned to be a boy and he got abandoned. I told about it in here, but no one wanted to talk to him here either. They say they are sorry for how much it has to hurt, but they didn’t talk to him either anymore.

It’s not in your Books, but that is how world works. It’s a sin, and there’s no mercy.

I made the mistake you are doing now. I got support with other things and we really believed we could be supported as SA victims as well. People stopped talking to us and we were hospitalized for 8 months. Don’t do it to yourself. Never admit. You will be left alone and treated as a mollester. That is what boys are in the world of abused. You don’t have to enter. I regret so much we did, but we can’t erase it.

We wouldn’t have believed if we would’ve been warned. The change was so major and so sudden. We would’ve thought it’s just some kind of crazy talk. But it was before we read those forums and saw how true victims fantacise about torturing men sexually. They wanted to do all that was done to us, and we were to blame for what was done and for what they fantacise.

No amount of shame and guilt will ever be enough for you to be forgiven if you tell. You don’t need the blame. It’s hard enough to be alone with it. It gets harder if you tell. You’ll still be alone, but there will be plenty of people against you.

I was 14 when I told. Luckily I never told any adult who’s near me in real life. I still have silence to hide in.


It truly makes me sad to see how much hurt still lingers for you. That you feel like it was better to not know and to not tell.

Some people need to know. Healing cannot happen without knowing what happened in one's past.

I hope you have a good T to work with.

K
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Re: Uncovering the Hurt

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Nov 07, 2018 11:57 pm

Zor wrote:I don't even know why I'm sharing this. I don't even know what TO share b/c I don't even know what happened... but I'm really certain at this point that it's got to do with sexual molestation when I was a toddler... and some things later maybe adding to the trauma, or being new trauma (even if not as severe and directly physical)...

Maybe I just need to vent to someone that understands this kind of pain and stress... someone that cares, in the way that only on with a sense of familiarity can. Maybe I am hoping something will help uncover what happened, help expose what has been hidden from me all this time- to help me understand, recover, and connect with the rest of us... I don't know honestly.


You don't have to know WHY you're sharing something--it can be enough to want to put it out there to people who understand the kind of damage that trauma like that, at such a young age, can cause. And pace yourself--things were hidden for a REASON, and uncovering them may need to be very gradual so that your system can tolerate it.

PlanetIcarus wrote:No, no. You’re a man. Never admit ANY of it. There’s no turning back after you do. You will became part of the world of sexually abused people. Your story or feelings don’t matter. It doesn’t matter how young you were. There are only two kind of people, there’s victims and there’s men. You’re a man.

Never admit. It’s the biggest mistake. You will be held responsible of all abuse there has ever been, if you enter that world. Keep yourself safe, keep your littles safe, and stay away.


I'm so sorry that this has been your experience when you talked about it. To me, there are just PEOPLE in the world, and some of them (many of them) have been sexually abused in childhood. None of them are responsible for that abuse or ANY abuse that they didn't directly cause. I hope you can find someone who you can work with who can help you to heal.

PlanetIcarus wrote:Leon used to write here when he was a prince. But then he turned to be a boy and he got abandoned. I told about it in here, but no one wanted to talk to him here either. They say they are sorry for how much it has to hurt, but they didn’t talk to him either anymore.


I don't understand why you say no one wanted to talk to Leon. I didn't see Leon being ignored when he wrote on the Littles thread. My littles still miss him, enjoyed talking with him, and were sorry that he left. If he were to post there, then littles would write back. If he wanted to talk about abuse, then that would just need a different thread, and a trigger warning. The forum doesn't replace having a therapist--someone can't work on and process their trauma here because we're just all people with similar issues, not therapists. But people aren't shunned if they talk about abuse--at least I haven't seen that.
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Re: Uncovering the Hurt

Postby BeccaBee » Thu Nov 08, 2018 12:54 am

incorporating those experiences and labels into your life. your self. your understanding of who you are. your identity. is hard.

I thought my DID was just caused by run of the mill neglect and abuse. I haven't recovered all my memories. I don't think doing that all at once would be good for us anyway. or anyone for that matter.

I now know that I was ... well $#%^ I can't even say it. shows how much I've dealt with it huh? I know I was abused and molested at a young age by a neighbor or acquaintance. I suspect that my entire family moved because of it. but my mother is dead now so there is no one to ask. except my father who has dementia and is a sorry ass sack of $#%^ anyway.

some memories just spontaneously recovered. but the sexual abuse was hard to get at. I think I have only scratched the surface there. here's how my system broke ground - I quit asking. I just started thanking the parts who held the pain and the memories for what they did. I wasn't trying to take their job away. but told them we were older and growner now and they could pick a new better job. and that we never had to do those things anymore. even now I can feel someone inside listening to this. I've had suspicions about a family member or two. but I don't know any details. or have any concrete recall. anyway - button/amythest came awake and into the light after that. I think it's important to understand the job that they did for you. to hold all that hurt, pain, shame, bewilderment. and let them know they did a good job. and that it's finally over.

that is what I would tell your inside parts. thank you. I love you. you did a good job. we don't have to go through that anymore. we can help carry that burden now. and you can do something new that you love.

Amy watches cartoons. colors. talks on here.

the world is full of monsters. and it's so hard to come to terms with the unthinkable. and accept that those unthinkable, unspeakable, unbearable things happened to us. happened to me.

that was then. this is now. now you are big and strong and no one can hurt you like that ever again.
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Re: Uncovering the Hurt

Postby Zor » Thu Nov 08, 2018 1:18 am

[quote="ItsJustUs"]
They know. At least some of them, and you know they know, or you wouldn't have said it.
Understand that they have hidden it because they are protecting you. But, if you feel like you are ready to know, then talk to them. Tell them you want to know, but also that you trust them to only give you what you can handle, small parts at a time. As you handle each part, and heal from each little bit, then they will give you more.

I strongly suggest telling your therapist what you told us. And working through this under their supervision. Once you know things, you can't un-know them. It's good to know, healing depends on it. But sometimes it's hard knowing things, because you have no idea of knowing how bad they are, until you already know.

You will still be a man. Knowing you were abused, and knowing what happened won't make you less of a man.

Pixie, Angel, Kitten and the rest... they care about you. They protect you. They want what is best for you. Thank them for protecting you all these years. Make sure they know that you know you need them, and you love them for what they have done for you... what they have experienced so that you didn't have to. If you want them to show you or tell you what happened, they have to know you're ready for it.

I wish you the best of luck.

K


Thanks for the input. I appreciate and the support from all of you guys here.

As for the others caring, I know they do and I love them immensely. :) I am trying to let them know how much I appreciate all they've done over the years, and that I look forward to doing whatever it is we do in the future now that we know each other. I'm also trying to convince those that know that I am ready to at least know what happened, even without the memories of it directly. At least an awareness- a small step...
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Re: Uncovering the Hurt

Postby NyxX » Thu Nov 08, 2018 1:37 am

Those things for many are unthinkable and unspeakable and it sucks because it will mean that some people will turn away from you because of your pain and suffering. Maybe they can't bare it because they are suffering to much themselves or maybe its to far outside there own experiences but whatever the reason is its #######5. Because when we turn away from others suffering we leave them alone and isolated in there pain and suffering. And that's not something exclusive to men.

When what happens to us becomes something that is unspeakable it becomes our responsibility not to burden others with such terrible knowledge. Which can only lead to shame and guilt for being tainted by such experiences in in the first place. And it's wrong non of us are guilty for what happened to us we should not be the ones carrying the shame and guilt because we did nothing wrong or immoral or sinful. We were the victims in what happened not the perpetrators.

We have never been able to get past the black ck we have against speaking about what has happened to us, but we feel its important bthat we one day do. Because what happened can not be unspeakable, because the children suffering right now somewhere need to know that it's OK to raise your voice and speak up that someone will help you. And that can only happen if we change the way the world so that people acknowledges the truth of reality and acts to fashion the world into a better safer place. And that can only happen when enough people who have been hurt stand together to speak the unspeakable and demand change.

I'm going to go back to the original topic now. I don't think seeking the answers to what caused this is the right way to heal. It's like starving your urself to lose weight. It's replacing one unhealthy thing with another. Eating healthy and exercise will help byoy reach the same goal but with more time and in a more healthy way. So in this context work on communicating and being closer which I know you are but from the things you and Pixie have posted that's only really been progressing with you and her so far. And from what you have said they are Angel's memories so only he is really going to understand the full impact of them. I know I'm not ready for Nixie's memories because I can't tolerate her emotions. So instead we work on healing her and communicating and me being able to tolerate them. Also there is a very big difference between knowing and understanding, knowing what happened is much easier than understanding what happened to you but it's tge understanding that's important for healing.
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Re: Uncovering the Hurt

Postby SOHank » Thu Nov 08, 2018 1:44 am

Zor: Definitely discuss this with your T. However, if you are ready, you are ready. Just buckle up, take it step at a time and let things settle a bit before approaching the next step. I know that segment of time was real rough with Sunflower.

There were things that came out that Meg was blocking from SF. Anytime her T would talk about certain topics or SF would open the journal to certain pages, Meg would take over so SF would not see it. It was really odd for me to have to keep secrets about my wife that her alters told me, but could only be discussed with Meg and her T, for SF's own good, with that instruction coming from her T. For months there would be breakdown type revalations about things that she "just learned about" that wasn't shocked by because I already knew them. Even one where she told me and blocked the memory for herself for a while.

I say the above because you have a good internal team and expect they will hold back if they think something is too much. Just make sure your outside team is ready to...

I'll also add that a lot of things came out as "body memories" with SF before she would acknowledge them in her mind.

PlanetIcarus:

I am sorry to hear about how much pain you are going through compounded by the treatment you got in telling someone. It was not your fault. However, I know from helping my wife how hard that is to accept. FYI, she told someone to, though when she was much younger and was not believed. She is now in her 30's and only started remembering things over the past year. It sucks, and there is no way to change the past, but it was not your fault. It can get better.

I also want to add that I read some of your posts, before I joined, when I was just learning about DID and appreciate you being here and your insight. :D
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Re: Uncovering the Hurt

Postby Windsoar » Thu Nov 08, 2018 7:22 am

Zor & Planeticarus....relate to you both so much. Perhaps ignorance is bliss, Zor. It's not like finding a lost key. Going oh great there it is and putting it properly away again. The hardest part for us is coming to terms with what was done to us, thru no fault of our own, realizing we will live with the consequences for the rest of our life. No going back & erasing it. No surgery or antibiotics cure it. We are DID because of it. Insiders of different ages, mental abilities etc each learn to deal with it. As Planeticarus describes reaction of outside people. Inside people can react the same. Not saying not to do it. We are so much better because we are doing it. Our life makes so much more sense. Just do it slowly, gently with all the support you can muster including professionals who have seen it before. As Planeticarus points out, people can be mean...intentionally or not. They get scared &/or want to deny. Women get some of the same messages as was given to Planeticarus. Your fault for being female & therefore provocative even when too young to know what that meant. Happens to a lot of females get over it & so on. A biggie..no one will ever love you if they find out. Damaged goods.Telling the wrong people just makes it worse. Problem...how do you know who the wrong/right people are? Good luck on your journey....be gentle with yourself.
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Re: Uncovering the Hurt

Postby Zor » Fri Nov 09, 2018 5:47 am

Thanks for all the input and thoughts guys. It really means a lot.

I am going to keep talking with the T about this. I have been told, by Pixie, that she knows something- something recent my mom told her directly (b/c it's a safe and private means to talk to me- MY FB and email are not so private) but Pixie doesn't want to share what Mom said- but did say the T needs to know it.

For now, I think I am going to rely on their judgment and trust them to tell me when the time is right.
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