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Missing the Hurt (trigger warning)

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Missing the Hurt (trigger warning)

Postby Mosaic Butterflies » Tue Nov 06, 2018 2:53 am

**Trigger Warning-- Discussions of sexual abuse and complicated reactions to it, including non-graphic mentions of self harm and disordered eating**


So... in my system, there is a lot that has gone on, in the past and now again with my medication not blocking my traumatic reactions anymore. We have ways of coping that are... not healthy to say the least. And I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm going to stop beating around the bush and just talk about what I need to talk about. So, here we go.

I'm going to start off by saying something: I was sexually abused when I was little. I don't know who did it, nor even any of the specifics of what happened... but the results of it are lasting on me and the rest of my system, and I'm going to be honest, even today we are still hurting because of it. I've been trying to heal from this for about six years now and it's still hurtful. I think that's mostly because no one knows what to do with me. Heck, even I don't know what to do with me, despite having the "healing guide" written somewhere within me (this is a belief that we all hold).

In an attempt to cope, we have done a lot of things. We have self harmed, one of us has an eating disorder, and we have a system member who is supposed to resemble our abuser. But I think two of the worst ways we have coped are the fact that we have an emotional connection to our unknown abuser that is like Stockholm Syndrome and also the fact that when we hurt ourselves, it doesn't hurt like it should. In fact... this is going to sound awful, but the hurt that we experience actually feels good to us, which could possibly have to do with our brain wiring or maybe even us dissociating from the pain in some way.

The fact of the matter is, we miss our unknown abuser. So much so that we have hurt ourselves over it from time to time. These days, I resist the urge to self harm or eat in a disordered fashion, but it's still difficult to resist these urges. I want it to stop by being able to face the abuse once and for all. But I'm not sure how to do that. The memories we have of the abuse and our abuser's identity are repressed. And we are an OSDD-1b system, meaning that there is no loss of time between us, and so... I'm not sure how to get to these memories. I can't just ask for them, because either nobody has them, or the communication between us isn't like in a DID system where I'm guessing the other alters are more clearly defined??? I'm not sure. I just know that I've been trying for six years and no memories or resolution has been reached as of yet.

I'm not of the belief that you need to know all about your abuse to heal (although that sure would help my morbid curiosity), but I'm not sure how else to break this trauma bond that I have with my unknown abuser. And it's so bad that I kind of bonded with my abusive introject (the one that resembles my abuser) to fill that hole that I feel in my heart for my actual abuser. But even then, that doesn't do anything to make me feel any better. It just perpetuates the cycle of violence within my system (although, at least right now, I've noticed that this abusive introject has been being well-behaved, so maybe this cycle is ending??).

I just want to stop missing the hurt. I want to stop feeling like I want to be punished as a form of "love" (because the want is tied directly to my abuse). I want to stop feeling like I love my actual abuser to bits and pieces. I just want to be at peace... but so far, none of my therapists have been able to help me with that. I don't know what else to do, honestly. I just really want him back because I miss how I felt loved in that unhealthy dynamic... I was just a little kid, and that was the only "real love" that I ever got at the time.

I'm sorry if writing this out emotionally upset anyone, but all I ask is that you please not judge me for how I had to survive by internalizing all of these feelings. I know it sounds disgusting, but it's how I had to make sense of what happened to me and how I had to cope.

-Stella
Dx: PTSD, Bipolar 2, OSDD-1b

My System
Stella (22), [Mother] (43), Autumn (22), Diana (25), Alice (15), Aliza (19), Abusive Alter (??), Hurting Alter (??), Kyle (15), Peter (17), Luna (6), Beverly (8), Hungry Child (??), Babushka (??), Baby (??)
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Re: Missing the Hurt (trigger warning)

Postby Everybodies » Tue Nov 06, 2018 5:36 am

you are not disgusting. I don't have this issue exactly but I think maybe you can ask a T for ways to reinforce positive love. Maybe write a letter to the "abuser alter" n see if anything happens
.
Either way I know you're in pain and that sucks.
Where do go once you've been through hell?
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Re: Missing the Hurt (trigger warning)

Postby NyxX » Tue Nov 06, 2018 12:28 pm

This link talks about a study relating to borderline personality and why self harm makes them feel good. But I think I would apply to people without borderline personality.

https://psychcentral.com/news/2010/08/3 ... 17456.html

I think Stockholm syndrome is protective. By loving the person that's hurting you they become less frightening even when they are doing frightening things. And your feelings about people and past experiences are allowed to be complicated. Like with the self harm you feel positively about it because it makes you feel better but you also know it's bad for you. Black and white thinking and feeling is a common them on this forum and something we struggle with, but the reality of life is that it's complex.

This analogy (or a very similar one because I can't remember the exact analogy) has been used here before. Think of progress and stability like a seesaw each on one side. When you work on your new side the other goes down. And the n an ideal world you would want to be able to perfectly balance the 2 sides. And if either side goes to far up it means the bottom seat broke.

I bring up the analogy because you talk about needing to remember in many of your threads. And remembering is not healing. Remembering is often but not always a part of healing but it's only ever a part and only helpful if done overall effort towards healing. From your other posts you are struggling with alot of different things and often they need to be worked on one by one. And not always working on fully healing that issue sometimes it's just make this one thing less bad. So an example relating to something you mentioned. An improvement in self harm might be making a rule to to break the skin when doing it. And while it's still not very healthy it's a step towards healing. And sometimes the steps do need to be tiny.

So it's my honest opinion that you need to work on being OK with the thoughts and feelings and stuff your currently experiencing because remembering will destabilise you further. So you need better self care, better coping skills, more appreciation for yourselves by ALL of your parts, and better communication and cooperation. And if your clearly defined enough to be romantically involved they are clearly defined enough to communicate and cooperate better.

I think you really need a T that understands DID and related conditions better. Because it doesn't sound like you have made progress in the last 6 years. And a good T can make so much difference.
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Re: Missing the Hurt (trigger warning)

Postby NyxX » Tue Nov 06, 2018 1:27 pm

I wanted to add actively seeking painful memories when you do not have adequate coping skills or support is a form of self harm.
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We might mention Ozalces he is our SO he made an account but doesn't use it much
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