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For like not the main host- what do you see when out

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For like not the main host- what do you see when out

Postby Zor » Thu Oct 11, 2018 5:17 am

Ok, so this is kinda an odd question but when you're out, for like the non-main host ppls... do you see YOU or the body?

Cuz like most times, except like peripheral or like a second in a reflection I'm not expecting... I tend to see me, but with whatever clothing we're wearing...

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Re: For like not the main host- what do you see when out

Postby VioletFlux » Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:10 am

Hi Pixie,

Although I'm the one in front most of the time nowadays, I don't use or like the term 'host' and I'm certainly not the original. I'm 'just another part' who just happened to get stuck out front most of the time. :?

Anyways, so the only time I see the body as how it actually looks, is when I have to actually focus on it. Like, focusing on it in the mirror, or looking down and really focusing on it for whatever reason.

But like, 99% of the time I'm just 'me', I see myself as I look on the inside. Like just getting dressed or just seeing like my arms and hands when doing normal stuff, I see the 'real me' not the body.

When I'm out talking to people and interacting with the world, I forget that they're seeing an older woman.

I can't speak for anyone else in our system, but I'm pretty sure Mike is more consious that the body is not his cos he feels dysphoria when he fronts. I think Viola is more consious of it too cos she's not entirely human and is more aware of the different anatomy when she fronts.

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Re: For like not the main host- what do you see when out

Postby Zor » Thu Oct 11, 2018 1:02 pm

VioletFlux wrote:Hi Pixie,

Although I'm the one in front most of the time nowadays, I don't use or like the term 'host' and I'm certainly not the original. I'm 'just another part' who just happened to get stuck out front most of the time. :?

Anyways, so the only time I see the body as how it actually looks, is when I have to actually focus on it. Like, focusing on it in the mirror, or looking down and really focusing on it for whatever reason.

But like, 99% of the time I'm just 'me', I see myself as I look on the inside. Like just getting dressed or just seeing like my arms and hands when doing normal stuff, I see the 'real me' not the body.

When I'm out talking to people and interacting with the world, I forget that they're seeing an older woman.

I can't speak for anyone else in our system, but I'm pretty sure Mike is more consious that the body is not his cos he feels dysphoria when he fronts. I think Viola is more consious of it too cos she's not entirely human and is more aware of the different anatomy when she fronts.

Violet


Sorry if like the terms were upsetting or something. We're still like learning all this stuff and like how to talk about it. Cuz like forever I kinda thought like everyone was like us. I mean, unlike Zor, I knew like forever (Kitten, my "twin sis", and I both - we're like co-conscious I guess... what one knows or feels the other does, always been that way) and we knew like before he ever knew us or that we like existed at all...

And ppl talk about like "part of me wants to do..." or "part of me doesn't like..." or having an "inner child", etc. We always kinda thought like that was like their way of talking about their parts like us... it wasn't until like we started to get more assertive as our own sense of self and like talking to Zor outside of like influencing but never "speaking" to him, and he knew us as like "friends" that we started to realize that those were like "figures of speech" only and not like a reflection of like the same kinda deal...

And since like this is all totally like exploded back in April and Zor's now like aware... we've come to like realize how totally diff this is from like most ppl and we're still trying to learn like official ways to like talk about it. So if I said something in like a wrong way or if it like bugged you, please accept my apology and know it was like totally accidental and I just don't quite know how to like describe things in like the "official" way still.

As for how you see you, not the body- totally what I see, too (except some fleeting "mistakes" when I see a reflection or like out of the corner of my eye). Kinda why I asked Zor to like get us some stuff for like US to wear, Kitten and I mostly... cuz we wanna be like able to wear cute girls stuff cuz we're girls... and it's weird to be like wearing HIS clothes... much less guys' stuff when we're "out". :)

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Re: For like not the main host- what do you see when out

Postby NyxX » Thu Oct 11, 2018 1:21 pm

Host is a reasonably official way to refer to the part that fronts the most it's just that sometimes it develops negative connotations. Remember how your T was at first before he did any research. With the attitude that only Zor matters because he is the host and ignore the others. Well some people don't do the research and persist with that kind of ignorant attitude. It's also why some people don't like alters or parts because it makes some feel like they are being told they are less.
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Re: For like not the main host- what do you see when out

Postby VioletFlux » Thu Oct 11, 2018 1:41 pm

Hi Pixie,

No worries and I'm sorry that I wasn't clear - I didn't take offence or anything at your terminology, I was just clarifying that in our system, we don't use those terms any more cos we don't like them.

Like Nyx said, 'host' is sorta very well recognized as a DID term, most anyone who knows anything about DID will probably understand what the word means. I just don't like it cos at best I think it implies the others are 'just guests and have less right to be here' and at worst it implies the others are 'parasites'.

Basically I just think that it has a lot of negative meaning, not for the one they call 'host' but towards everyone else.

And it really doesn't fit our system anyways. We call Stephanie our 'previous host' cos it did sorta apply to her; she was the clueless / in denial frontperson for like 25 or 30 years. Everyone else snuck around behind her awareness, or if they were out, they pretended to be her, so as to keep everything hidden. But she's gone and there's just a bunch of us parts left here now. :)

Anyways, just wanted to make sure you knew I wasn't upset, and that I hope I didn't accidentally upset you! :D

Next time someone else is fronting I'm gonna try and remember to get them to come and share their experiences here too.

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Re: For like not the main host- what do you see when out

Postby Zor » Thu Oct 11, 2018 2:52 pm

Thanks guys. :)

I so didn't mean it negative... like I said, and like you two said, just seemed to be like the right word to use. :) Glad it wasn't like offending or anything. I'd like feel horrible about that. :|

And nope, I'm not upset. Just happy I didn't like offend you or something. :)

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Re: For like not the main host- what do you see when out

Postby VioletFlux » Fri Oct 12, 2018 11:31 pm

Hello Pixie,

When I am fronting, I avoid mirrors and avoid 'looking down' and stuff like that, because I see the body for what it is. And I don't much like it tbh. Even without looking, I guess I can 'feel' it more, feel that it's 'not me'.

So, I see the body, not me. :(

I much prefer how I look (and feel) inside, and kinda wish there were some way to look like that out here. Cos I look like 1000x better than the body does, lol. :)

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Re: For like not the main host- what do you see when out

Postby MakersDozn » Fri Oct 12, 2018 11:49 pm

I have a different perspective: It isn't necessarily "non-main" insiders who may not identify with the body.

We don't like/use the term "host" either, and like others here, consider all system members equal and none "the original." However, there's no denying the fact that I am at the center of our system structurally and emotionally. I went into hiding for years trying to avoid this fact, but it's true. Our adults are still trying to work toward a more balanced distribution of responsibility, but it will take a while.

My point is that despite being as central to the system as I am, I'm the only one who's uncomfortable with the body. We all know how each of us looks on the inside individually. And we see the body as a container or vehicle that we share. But I'm the only one bothered by the fact that the body doesn't look like me.

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Re: For like not the main host- what do you see when out

Postby TheCollective » Sat Oct 13, 2018 6:41 am

We see our own 'inner' body image mixed up with the actual appearance. So we never know what the body really looks like because we each see a different version of it.
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Re: For like not the main host- what do you see when out

Postby Zor » Sat Oct 13, 2018 1:08 pm

VioletFlux wrote:Hello Pixie,

When I am fronting, I avoid mirrors and avoid 'looking down' and stuff like that, because I see the body for what it is. And I don't much like it tbh. Even without looking, I guess I can 'feel' it more, feel that it's 'not me'.

So, I see the body, not me. :(

I much prefer how I look (and feel) inside, and kinda wish there were some way to look like that out here. Cos I look like 1000x better than the body does, lol. :)

Viola


That's kinda like me, I tend to avoid reflections unless I intentionally look and have like prepared myself cuz if I KNOW it's gonna be there I always see me. It's like when they surprise me I see the body like as it is for a second. It's so creepy.

Worse is like wearing something to show off my cute legs and getting a peripheral glance accidentally and seeing icky hair man legs for a second and like doing a double take and seeing my own again. :O Sooooo freaky. lol

I totally prefer MY look, too.. wish I could like change the body to match so everyone sees ME the way I do. :/

{\Pixie/}


-- Sat Oct 13, 2018 7:14 am --

MakersDozn wrote:I have a different perspective: It isn't necessarily "non-main" insiders who may not identify with the body.

We don't like/use the term "host" either, and like others here, consider all system members equal and none "the original." However, there's no denying the fact that I am at the center of our system structurally and emotionally. I went into hiding for years trying to avoid this fact, but it's true. Our adults are still trying to work toward a more balanced distribution of responsibility, but it will take a while.

My point is that despite being as central to the system as I am, I'm the only one who's uncomfortable with the body. We all know how each of us looks on the inside individually. And we see the body as a container or vehicle that we share. But I'm the only one bothered by the fact that the body doesn't look like me.

Charity


So I like talked about that "main" and "host" language like above, it wasn't meant to like bug ppl or like offend ppl. Just seemed to be like the commonly used and accepted terms like in general. I know like not everyone has someone in that kinda role (and that's kinda awesome, actually- cuz that means all of you are more like out or sharing the load of like living life- that's how it sounds or comes across to me anyway- and that's so cool!). I just didn't know how else to like describe it, for us and cases more like us... cuz like Zor is the primary/main like one out all the time. The rest of us are like in and out and are mostly like in the inner world... but he's never there (IDK if we can even get him there anymore - I USED TO when he was like super little, but not in like a forever long time). So to us, he's like the "main host" cuz that's what he does most of the time. IDK but I am pretty sure he's even like "original".

We kinda see the body that way, as a shared deal... except maybe Zor cuz this is like super new to him still... some of us not so much... some of us it's new to them, too... for us that have known like forever, we consider it shared... but do feel a bit "disconnected" from it in that it's NOT US physically and it's how we see Zor... so that's kinda also why he's "the main host" to us. Cuz he and the body look alike, and that's not a small point- but that doesn't stop us from like considering it OUR'S too. Cuz well, it IS. Zor's ok with this, and he's even opening up about like getting us things of our own, even considering like clothing for us girls- but doing that slowly and carefully cuz like trying not to freak out or upset his wife too much as she's learning to cope with all this still, too.

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