System Management Updates: - Blank Slate is now going by Blanca. We've been making an effort to make sure everyone has a name name, if you will, rather than a description.
- Our young teen alter chose a human name after being able to bond with a newer adult alter
- Old-Sev is finally resurfacing in a significant way and not just for moments
I seem to mostly post here at the same time each month. We show up throughout the month to see what others are up to, and we write replies but then stop ourselves from actually submitting the posts.
On our young teen alter and B'iOur young teen alter is the best threat-detector we have in system. She is also usually very self-destructive. Adults in the system have a policy of "not letting her out" around other people, and when she fights her way to front, an adult makes sure that we get away from social situations immediately to keep ourselves and them safe. She has never and would never cause physical harm, but we know she will puff herself up to be as scary as possible, by yelling and sobbing, and she is not averse to saying hurtful things to other people. **Trigger Warning: mention of abusive behavior** Due to psychological abuse in childhood, she knows how to quickly target what words would most effectively hurt someone else, and contrary to how the rest of us feel, she feels completely justified in doing this to people who hurt us. **End Trigger Warning** This behavior is why we don't let her around others if we can avoid it.
B'i is a new adult in our system. She formed a little while after our young teen made us aware that we don't trust her and that she doesn't trust us. Even though it's obvious now,
we didn't think about how dismissive we were of her, which is especially troublesome because she is the most skilled at noticing when someone external to us is a threat to us. We've been trying to trust her more, to open up conversation rather than shutting her down and keeping her subdued. Doing those things has made it much easier for abusers to take advantage of us, which has happened repeatedly in adulthood. B'i not only trusts our young teen, but she is also not concerned with whether she causes harm to anyone external. She knows she won't physically hurt anyone and she knows that even though our young teen might try to employ the occasional abusive statement, she doesn't engage in systematic abuse of others the way that our abusers have. She reacts tactically within a situation, but she has no larger plan: she is just trying to hurt hurtful people enough that they either stop or they go away. B'i doesn't necessarily think that her approach is good or that she should be allowed to actually do that, but she values our young teen's feelings in a way that no one else has.
B'i seems to be a fragment to help our young teen - and she might be someone our young teen can grow into. Our young teen is still in a lot of pain, but it feels less all-consuming and less sharp lately.
On Sev and old-SevSev broke off of old-Sev for the purpose of handling therapy. The intention was that no one would be able to discern her from old-Sev, though she was kind of a "lightweight version of the program," so to speak. Sev isn't as passionate about our old work, but has all of the technical skill to perform it, for example. The goal was that Sev would reintegrate into old-Sev once each had healed enough - Sev doing the active learning in therapy, old-Sev getting to rest and benefit from the active learning Sev was doing.
We didn't expect old-Sev to stay dormant as long as she did. Sev actually forgot there ever had been an old-Sev, or anyone else in the system, until this year. Sev grew into herself in the meantime. Now that old-Sev is back, it turns out that she is just as impatient as she has ever been, and she isn't even exactly in denial about the rest of us being here. She just doesn't really want to spend time on it, because she feels that before our recent abusive ex she was doing well enough without worrying about the overall functioning and collaboration of everyone in the system. She is aware of the fact that we were vulnerable because of being ignored and that we aren't stable in that same way right now. Her attitude is clearly sourced in the body's mother's influence: she thinks a person can simply choose not to have particular feelings.
We have no conclusions today. Blanca was around last night and her presence was still felt this morning, but seems to be fading. I still don't know what her needs are. She doesn't know how to feel joy. She is so tired that she doesn't want to do anything. Still, we got out of bed when we woke up today, instead of going back to sleep, "because there's nothing to be awake for."
Like yesterday and the day before, we are going to put on a complete outfit and go somewhere. I don't know where yet.
-Morning Blend (I am not sure who I am right now, as is frequently the case first thing in the morning)