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Flocking, Nesting, Migrating (journey thread)

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Re: Flocking, Nesting, Migrating (journey thread)

Postby SeveralCrows » Sat May 16, 2020 1:26 pm

** Trigger Warning: self-harm, suicide ideation **

A few weeks ago we were in the first stages of being suicidal. M, one of our teens, wanted to self-harm a lot. She did scratch the body up a few times, but no blood, no bruises, no lasting physical damage or marks.

** End Trigger Warning **

We have been slowly building up capacity again over the last few weeks. Our work focus has suffered tremendously, and we have put more non-dissociative time towards the less-important project because it's being managed by someone who is very angry and micro-managey. This week we have a major deadline for both projects, and we are afraid of disappointing our real boss who we like and respect very much. We dislike and do not respect the other boss, and he does not sign off on our paycheck. I think he has been triggering us badly and so we have worked extra hard out of anger and fear.

This weekend we are going to do extra work to make up for lost productivity on the project for our main boss. I feel ashamed that it got as bad as it did. Particularly because the way our main boss manages is to trust people to do the work, because he knows they can do it and that they are responsible enough to do it without supervision. Our lack of execution is not because we are irresponsible or incapable, but I don't feel it reflects well on us and I am terribly disappointed that this happened.

The complication is that we have been giving ourselves compassion during the time we were struggling. Did our best each day and allowed ourselves to leave work at the right time. We worked extra on a few days when we had the brain capacity for it, but mostly let ourselves finish on time because it would have made it worse otherwise. No need to punish when we are already down. Now I am judging harshly and trying not to panic about it. I already feel like a disappointment from the presentation we gave just a few days after our worst day.

The last few days we have been the most functional we have been in a month. Today we got up early, we're doing two loads of laundry, and we will work for 2-3 hours. Tomorrow we will buy groceries and work for another 2 hours or however long we need.

There is a complex social situation at work with the secondary project, but it isn't anything out of the ordinary. We just don't have enough experience. Luckily, we know people who do, so I think we have enough support.

Crows
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Re: Flocking, Nesting, Migrating (journey thread)

Postby SeveralCrows » Fri May 22, 2020 2:03 am

We aced the major deadlines for both projects. We worked a few hours extra this week, but nothing outrageous, and our real boss complimented our work on the main project. Other people did too.

We also talked to real boss about the fake boss. We're allowed to walk away from the project if we want, so we might. Fake boss is awful and we are realizing how much abusive threatening language he uses. It is really not a good situation.

We also spoke up about our neighbors' frightening behavior and it got addressed. Insiders are really happy that main front finally said something about both situations. Appealing to authority for help always feels childish and like we are failing and like we should be able to handle it alone. We also have bad experiences of trying to do that in the past, and it is really good that we went forward with it anyway.

Tonight, M was blendy with the main front. I think it's related to those two instances of reaching out for help and protecting ourselves. It physically felt really good and M really appreciated the sense of autonomy and trust that came with the experience.

We have also been emailing with a colleague who we haven't been able to see and feel more connected. And we are starting to talk more online generally, in different places. We get to exist in the world if we decide to, and we're deciding to. It has taken a long time to find places where we want to exist. I don't know when it will feel solid, but this feels significant.

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Re: Flocking, Nesting, Migrating (journey thread)

Postby MakersDozn » Fri May 22, 2020 10:48 pm

Well done, Crows, on all fronts. Congrats!

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Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: Flocking, Nesting, Migrating (journey thread)

Postby SeveralCrows » Sat May 23, 2020 1:56 pm

Thanks MDs! We appreciate the cheering on.

Updates

We've decided to definitely leave the project with fake boss. We wrote a draft of the email we will send next week and are trying to make peace with the way this has made us behave at work. We feel ashamed of how emotional we got in front of real boss, who was relatively patient with us but also clearly doesn't want this emotional stuff to keep coming up with this project and thinks it should just end if it's going to continue like this. That's reasonable. We also hate that an abuser situation came up at work, even briefly. We are afraid this will negatively impact our relationship with real boss, but at least one of us has the clarity of mind to say that if we go back to our usual behavior and productivity and demonstrate how well we can work with other people, it will be evidence enough that we are not unable to work with others and that we still do our work.

I think today I want to be bold with getting rid of old stuff that has bad feelings attached to it. We have been trying and going so slowly with this. A recent experience showed us that, even though we hung onto nothing from one old relationship, we are still able to access all of the important emotions and memories from that. Maybe we lost some things, but the essential remained. We can trust to let go of other stuff, and then the bad stuff won't haunt us as badly, maybe.
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