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So Very Lonely

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So Very Lonely

Postby VioletFlux » Thu Oct 04, 2018 10:20 am

I've been feeling so lonely lately. Like, the past month or two or three? And I don't know what to do, how to deal with it.

I want to meet more people, make more friends. Sometimes I even dare to think, I want to try being in a relationship.

But it's all pointless. We're too messed up. We don't know how to even make friends, let alone anything more.

Previous host was almost never lonely, she was comfortable being alone. Older Violet, I think, would have liked some more friends but her anxiety made it really hard for her to even consider meeting strangers.

I... I can handle meeting new people. One or two at a time. Not a crowd or big group, but in small numbers I can do it.

Except I can't. I've tried... got the brush-off, lied to, ignored. I don't know what I did wrong, we've never learned how to make new friends.

We have like, two good friends. Our best, closest friends. Whom we see a handful of times a year, and speak with on the phone like once a month or so. That's the best we can do, the best we've done.

I know there's other people like me, like us, out there. We follow lots on twitter. But everyone else already has friends and stuff, we're just, the oddball outsider who noone really notices or cares about or wants to be friends with.

Sorry I'm just feeling super lonely and sorry for myself and I don't know what to do, or if there's anything to do, or if I should even bother.

How do you make friends when you look like an old person and you'v never learned how to make friends and you're so messed up and flawed and broken?

Violet
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby SOHank » Thu Oct 04, 2018 12:49 pm

Sorry to hear this. It must be hard. It seems like there has been a lot about loneliness on the news also. "Digital friends" versus "real world friends."

I have a functioning level of Aspergers and my wife has DID. It's like we were meant to be alone together. :lol: Though, she has overcome a lot of her fears on this concern and has several friends now. :)

I think the best way to meet people may be to volunteer. Pick the cause the suits you. This can help someone meet people that are like minded and have big hearts. :) Plus there is something about working next to someone for an afternoon that forms a bond even if you don't talk to each other but briefly.

Next best would be if you have a hobby, then go to a workshop or group/club that does that thing. If you don't, you could always pick a new hobby to learn about. Having a common interest is a start to more conversation.
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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Oct 04, 2018 6:37 pm

Take a class in something you really enjoy doing and want to learn more about. Then the focus isn’t on making friends, but you’ll be with people who like the same thing.
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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby VioletFlux » Thu Oct 04, 2018 7:03 pm

Thanks Hank, Gang.

Those are some good suggestions. I'm trying not to be dismissive... like, we've sorta tried some of these things? Previous host tried a hundred different hobbies, and took classes, and volunteered. But the hobbies tended to be loner type things, and basically nothing seemed like a way to meet people. But I hafta remember she was not really looking for friends etc so her experiences shouldn't cloud my expectations etc.

I actually signed up on a dating app this morning when I was feeling super lonely. Not sure yet I'll have the courage to follow through with anything on there though lol.

Violet
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby Bejer » Thu Oct 04, 2018 7:04 pm

Hi Violet,

I'm sorry you feel this way. Same here, a lot. But you do 'have people'. The person who looked after your cats while you were at the hospital? Maybe it's not quite 'kicking in' that you dó have friendly relationships with people? I remember when I had to go into surgery, last year, and I had to fill in a contact for when things might go wrong, and I totally freaked out because of the feeling that there wasn't a single soul in the whole wide world who I could 'point' on that paper! Turned out I had that feeling nót because there weren't people, but because I didn't 'get' that the people who were there, would want to do that for me; be the person who the hospital could call if things went wrong.

Then there's the feeling of being totally clumsy when it comes to socializing; everybody feels that way, on a certain level. Every single person on this earth does. Please don't beat yourself up; you've had a rough time, you're looking for a new T; big stuff happening that stirs things around.

If you feel insecure about joining stuff where you might meet new people (I do too. I'm too afraid I'll be a crazy freak in their eyes), maybe find something online for people in your area, to start with?

Good luck!
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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby VioletFlux » Thu Oct 04, 2018 7:23 pm

Thanks Bejer.

Yeah our neighbor friend is a friend. She's more... motherly tho. It's hard cos she's only like 10 years older than us physically... but she feels like a mother or aunt type.

Definitely feel socially clumsy. One of our friends described us as "randomly awkward" lol.

And I totally agree with you about being insecure around new people... I start catasrophizing (i think thats the word?) or whatever, get caught up on all the 'negatives' about myself. Like, I'm obviously a freak, mental disorder, ugly old second-hand body, etc. How long till they realize I'm an immature teen trying to play-act like a mature adult.

And how can I be a good new friend to someone I meet today, when I might not even 'be here' tomorrow. What if they want to get together and Viola is fronting and isn't interested. Or is totally incompatible with them. What if Melissa pops out and starts telling them about my little pony. A thousand more what-ifs.

And so on. :roll:

Trying to not get too caught up in that kind of thinking but it's hard. It's like automatic.

Violet
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); et al.
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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby NyxX » Thu Oct 04, 2018 7:42 pm

We only really have Ozalces and one other friend so we our advice isn't necessarily good but for both of them when we would switch and be fairly drastically different people without really understanding they just accepted it and went along with it so I think people that you really want to be friends with will just accept things even if they don't understand.

Also one of the things we discovered in the past is that we don't always realise when people are trying to be our friend. At one of our old work places the people I worked with were always inviting me to play poker with them and I have no interest in gambling so I always said no. But one day one of them in a very exasperated way said that they were asking to be nice and not because they wanted me to play and no wonder I didn't have any friends at work. I wasn't interested in being friends with them so I carried on declining but it made me realise I didn't recognise when people were reaching out to be friendly to me.
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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby sleepingwolf » Thu Oct 04, 2018 8:00 pm

Thanks for sharing your feelings, it sounds like a tough time. We relate a lot.

My thoughts were just to say this is a really common emotion, for all humans. It's a part of being human, and never really goes away for anyone, no matter their situation, friendship network, DID or not. To manage feelings of loneliness is a lifelong task for all humans.

Here are a few things that have helped us:

- Whatever the feelings, it is just an emotion. That isn't to deny it, make it lesser, or anything, It's just to say it is exactly what it is, no more and no less. It's a feeling, in this case of loneliness.

- If the feeling is intense there may be quite a few other feelings in there too. On reading it felt like there were quite a few emotions, wants and needs all jumbled together. This makes the lonely feeling feel 'impossible' or 'overwhelming', when actually it may be four or five different issues.

- Its highly unlikely you're going to change personalities overnight. We've spent a lot of our lives alone, and so human interaction needs to be slow and slight for us all, as we have had limited experience and exposure. If you are too hard on yourselves you can miss the great stuff you can do. We say hello to our regular cafe baristas and the postman...and you know what...go us! :D :D :D

Good luck with the feelings. I could not say that we are friends, but I here you and relate. Thats certainly something good and positive. :D

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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby VioletFlux » Thu Oct 04, 2018 8:29 pm

NyxX wrote:Also one of the things we discovered in the past is that we don't always realise when people are trying to be our friend.

Oh gosh me too! I'm sometimes entirely oblivious to stuff like this, until someone points it out or whatever. Or until it's too late. :(

sleepingwolf wrote:Its highly unlikely you're going to change personalities overnight.

Sorry to pick this one bit out but it made me laugh. I know it's not what you meant but... C'mon, I can change personalities in a heartbeat! That's why I'm on this forum lol. :wink: :lol:

Seriously though... you're right, there's a lot going on. It's overwhelming and confusing at times. My best friend reminded me once, that even though I have some shared memories and look like a middleaged woman, my 1sthand life experience is less than a year old, so all this stuff is still new to me and I'm still trying to figure out my way through it.

Violet
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); et al.
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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby sleepingwolf » Thu Oct 04, 2018 8:39 pm

:D :D :D

Haha! Gosh, I certainly didn't catch that joke! Whoops!

:D :D :D

I agree about accumulative time, its something important to consider. I'd also recommend looking into more philosophical/spiritual/ethical perspectives on loneliness. I mean, in another odd joke, you really are not alone in feeling alone...and over the thousands of years of human existence, its commonplace. I think there is great comfort and strength in acceptance of how things are. At the very least then you are not lonely from life, and can feel more friends with the day.
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