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So Very Lonely

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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby fireheart » Sun Oct 07, 2018 7:09 pm

Aw, I feel sad for you. I've been there and it's not a good feeling. :(

It's important that people are reliable. More important than most people seem to think...

You don't have to give her up, in my opinion, but certainly do try to find (new) other contacts. I know that suggestion doesn't help right now. I hope for now you can hug your cats and talk here.

I'm sorry things are so hard.
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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Oct 07, 2018 7:27 pm

I'm also sorry that this happened to you today. I wonder how much you have communicated to your friend about how you feel, because sometimes people need to be called on their stuff. Like, "well, you usually seem to be running late, so when you say brunch, I imagine you'll be here around 2 or 2:30 and have about an hour to spend with me." and/or "I was really disappointed that you couldn't make it last Wednesday, so I really hope this works out, because I'm missing your company." or even, if you're brave enough, "It hurts my feelings that visiting me just seems to be squeezed in around your 'more important' plans and often gets put off."

I know it's really hard to do that, and I'm not very good at it, but when I try, sometimes I find out that the other person had no idea I felt that way and it changes things for the better.

It's NOT a comment on your worthiness. If someone doesn't care enough to see you, it's a comment on THEM and their screwed up priorities (if they say they are your friend), not on your value as a person. Mike may have the right idea, but I think it's worth expressing your feelings to her and seeing if she changes her actions.
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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby SeveralCrows » Sun Oct 07, 2018 7:39 pm

Violet, that really sucks and I'm sorry your friend is treating you that way.

We also have a friend who sometimes gets into a habit of pushing us around in her schedule and cutting down the amount of time. We told her it wasn't respectful of our time or energy and that we expect to be treated better, and it's gotten a bit better. We still don't see her that often, but she at least now understands that she can't just shove me into whatever cracks exist in her schedule, and when she's had to reschedule she's been much more aware of it than she was before. I hope that you're able to talk to your friend and that it helps.
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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby VioletFlux » Sun Oct 07, 2018 11:11 pm

Thanks everyone.

I know intellectually its on her, not us. Emotinally, is another story. It's really hard not to feel worthless when someone you like & trust treats you like a forgetable afterthought.

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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby VioletFlux » Mon Feb 11, 2019 3:16 pm

Resurecting this thread after 4 months, because it is still an issue.

Trying to find things V2 would enjoy doing, to try and get her to participate more in life, and it seems that her biggest issue is loneliness. She can't be lonely if she 'doesn't exist' and now that I'm here she's got no incentive for her to front.

I'm trying to tell her, she's not going to make friends hidding inside our head. But she didn't have any success making friends when she was fronting all the time either, and I don't really have a counter to that.

She tried a couple times. Tried with the dating app, and though there was one 'almost' they never met. And she tried to meet someone via twitter. They actually did meet at a coffee shop and spent an hour or two together, but it didn't seem to go anywhere, the person never really responded to her after that.

I've read through this thread, and I guess we're hung up on a few of the things. The most basic stuff is, we don't know how to make friends, we are oblivious to 'signals' so if someone else wants to get to know us and they don't blatantly say "hey I'd like to get to know you" then we'll miss it and they'll probably take that as us being disinterested.

Further, we are still bad with groups. So like, taking a class or something, might surround us with strangers, but won't actually help us meet anyone because we'll be the silent one at the back of the room that nobody will notice. We just shut down in groups.

This isn't just for V2, I am lonely as well, though not feeling it as badly as she is. Not yet at least.

I did look to see if there's a photography club or camera club in our area (as that is my personal interest) but if there is one around here, they're an especially well-kept secret. I did find some in neighboring regions, but then it's back on the whole 'not good in groups' thing. Plus it'd mean travelling some distance, at night, and the weather is currently bad for that sort of thing.

So then it feels like we're just shooting down suggestions. So I don't know.

We also have the whole age issue. She doesn't see people our physical age as appropriate for friends or dating. Like, people our physical age could technically be grandmothers. But at the same time, people her 'inside' age would definitely not be appropriate for us because of our body age.

It's maybe not as bad for me, I feel like I've aged a bit more in the past few weeks, but I still feel a lot younger than the body. Like 20's. So I don't know.

V2 joked at one point she should update her dating app profile, to "Teen alter inside middle-aged body, seeking same for friendship and possible long-term romance."

It also brings up the whole thing about lost years or whatever. 25 or 30 years Stephanie was here and had no interest in relationships and was ok with being lonely. So ontop of all the health issues she left us, we're alone and clueless about meeting people. Literally, the body will be 50 this year (###$!) and we've never had a relationship, never been on a date, don't know how to meet people, etc etc.

This is where the sense of hopelessness comes back too. Like, I think most people 'figure out' all this stuff in highschool. Or at least, they start experimenting and learning it at that age. V2 is still 'there' emotionally, but from the outside people are going to see an older mature woman who's supposed to know it. I think?

Anyways, sorry about the long post. She's intensely lonely and I want to help her but I'm as clueless as she is about this stuff.

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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby Ponyta » Mon Feb 11, 2019 7:24 pm

Very sorry to hear that. :(

We can relate in so many ways to what you said. We've never been on a date before either. Plus due to lack of friends.....we feel like we missed out on a major part of our childhood. A bunch of us want friends....."true friends".....but we were hurt so much in the past by fake ones that we're unbelievably lonely too. It really hurts to tell someone we don't have any friends. It makes us feel even more worthless. Plus It doesn't help any that I have Asperger's syndrome (Autism) and a horrible social phobia......even saying "hi" to someone (in person) horrifies me. I communicate a lot better in writing.....but even that is scary at times. So we understand the pain of loneliness all too well. :(

I know you mentioned the idea of groups causing problems (It would with me....really bad due to my phobia)......but maybe just going would help make you feel like a part of something. Maybe help you not feel so lonely being around people who have the same interests as you. At the very least you'll be able to do something you enjoy doing (Like photography, etc.) We have someone in our system who likes photography too. :) If distance is a problem.....maybe you could try an online group at first? Just a suggestion.

I know how it feels though to feel unnoticed in groups. I tried that before myself....I enjoyed the topic....but due to my phobia.....I had to stop going. My panic attacks (from my phobia) just got far too bad. Plus a bunch of us also have a fear of getting too close to others.....due to our past. But for you.....it is a chance to meet some possibly good friends. I tend to be the quiet one who shuts down in groups too.....but some people came over to talk to me then......maybe they would do the same for you too.

Hope things improve for all of you soon! :)
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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby VioletFlux » Tue Feb 12, 2019 12:16 pm

Thanks for the comments Ponyta, I'm sorry you have similar issues.

I think this is going to be the main topic at therapy tomorrow. It's an issue that's come up before obviously, and one that's not likely to go away on its own.

I found an old webpage for a local photography group, like it hasn't been updated since 2015, but there was a contact email so I emailed to ask if the group is still meeting.

Online stuff isn't really a useful alternative for this 'need' - like, we have plenty of 'online friends', but that's just not the same as real human contact.

We do value those relationships and they can be very good in their own way, but at the end of the day it's just text on a screen. Not like sharing tea or a meal or going on a hike or whatever, with someone in person.

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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Tue Feb 12, 2019 4:09 pm

Do you have a thing called MeetUps there? There are hiking meetups, so you could just join the MeetUp and if they're doing a hike that you can go to, you could just show up. I know that for us, it's much easier to talk to people when we're walking along and not having to look directly at them. And usually you just end up talking to one person at a time, so that's easier, too, because even though it's a "group activity," it's also just an individual thing you're each doing.

There are cycling groups also, but that seems more intense, and I know I would worry about having the right cycling clothes and a good enough bike and all that stuff. Hiking seems more low-key.
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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby VioletFlux » Tue Feb 12, 2019 5:11 pm

Hi Gang,

I've never heard of that, but it might be a thing here. I'll do a search and see what I can find.

Thanks for the suggestion!

Edited to add: found a website, meetup.com and registered, there's a handful of local stuff that we're looking into.

Thanks again Gang! :D

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Re: So Very Lonely

Postby Zor » Tue Feb 12, 2019 7:30 pm

VioletFlux wrote:I've been feeling so lonely lately. Like, the past month or two or three? And I don't know what to do, how to deal with it.

I want to meet more people, make more friends. Sometimes I even dare to think, I want to try being in a relationship.

But it's all pointless. We're too messed up. We don't know how to even make friends, let alone anything more.

Previous host was almost never lonely, she was comfortable being alone. Older Violet, I think, would have liked some more friends but her anxiety made it really hard for her to even consider meeting strangers.

I... I can handle meeting new people. One or two at a time. Not a crowd or big group, but in small numbers I can do it.

Except I can't. I've tried... got the brush-off, lied to, ignored. I don't know what I did wrong, we've never learned how to make new friends.

We have like, two good friends. Our best, closest friends. Whom we see a handful of times a year, and speak with on the phone like once a month or so. That's the best we can do, the best we've done.

I know there's other people like me, like us, out there. We follow lots on twitter. But everyone else already has friends and stuff, we're just, the oddball outsider who noone really notices or cares about or wants to be friends with.

Sorry I'm just feeling super lonely and sorry for myself and I don't know what to do, or if there's anything to do, or if I should even bother.

How do you make friends when you look like an old person and you'v never learned how to make friends and you're so messed up and flawed and broken?

Violet


So much of that I, we, have been feeling lately. There's a lot of turmoil inside with the trying to reconcile inside and outside, with trying to open up more with those we trust, but the contention at home, and the ever-present panic inducing fear of people rejecting us as a sort of monstrous freak...

It's all so much... I wish I had something positive for you, some answers... but it's hard stuff to deal with and right now, we don't have any...
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