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The Black Cloud of Self-Loathing (TW)

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The Black Cloud of Self-Loathing (TW)

Postby MakersDozn » Fri Sep 14, 2018 3:08 pm

Does anybody relate to this?

It's how I and a few others felt when we woke up this morning. It felt like it was going to ruin our whole day, and perhaps our weekend. The only think that got us to go to work was the fact that we had locked one of our department's portable hard drives in a cabinet for safekeeping, and others might need access to it during the day.

We think we know who's holding the majority of the dark, difficult feelings right now. There are several candidates, each of whom may be involved to one degree or another, not in intentional coordination, but separately on parallel tracks, because the feelings are so overwhelming that no single person can handle them.

We really need to know that someone understands this. And we need to feel validated.

Charity and others
Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 56f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

Frequent: Charity (25), Mary (23), Laura (17.5), Allegra (17), Cass (17)
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Re: The Black Cloud of Self-Loathing (TW)

Postby Bejer » Fri Sep 14, 2018 6:07 pm

Hi Charity and others,

Sorry about that bad start of the day, we definitely relate.

Just wanted to say that I know how you feel, it sometimes feels like it won't end or that you can't take it, but it will and you can. Bit by bit it will and you can.

We try carrying the feeling together and comforting each other, so it won't overwhelm just one part when it happens, when we don't succeed in finding a part who can take some distance while staying present and understanding where it comes from. Last one helps best, but carrying it together, makes us feel closer to each other and stronger as well.

You can also decide it's not the right time for the feeling when it's not. There's no shame in that! What I do when I'm there, is telling inside that we'll definitly adress it later, but now we need to focus on *insert important stuff.
F 37 Dx; DID & PTSD
Previous Dx; ADHD, BDP, Bipolar, PTSD, DPD, IQ >130 (all by different T's. Don't know yet which of them were false)

Five hosts; B, Ex, J, Er, R, who all have several 'younger versions', and subsystems D & X.
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Re: The Black Cloud of Self-Loathing (TW)

Postby birdsong87 » Fri Sep 14, 2018 6:18 pm

I think we do relate.
Asti sometimes gets like that. like there is a black cloud in her mind that doesn't allow any light in. usually when Thamara is struggling as well...
we always identified the feeling as shame. it gets so thick that she feels like she can't live with how awful she is, that we can't do this to other people, being the way we are. she falls into some serious despair and it gets so dark and there is no room for other thoughts. we always need Danielle to intervene because she gets very suicidal and Danielle doesn't feel any of these emotions...
it is curious to me that you call it a black cloud because we have used the very same expression for it in the past.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host); Mike (caregiver); Asti (co-host, achiever); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Thamara (child); Danielle; and others
our blog on resources: www.dis-sos.com
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Re: The Black Cloud of Self-Loathing (TW)

Postby MakersDozn » Fri Sep 14, 2018 6:20 pm

Thank you, Bejer, for your support, and for sharing about your system. We do believe that it's important for us as a system to support each other. In recent years, though, we've experienced a series of life stressors.

At the same time, the natural progress in our healing has taken us to the point where doing trauma work is unavoidable. So we're having a much harder time being present around each other, let alone supportive. Some of us are more affected by this than others.

Add to this the frequent lack of clarity of who's present, whose feelings are whose....these are issues that we now know are common for multiples. It's not just us, as we believed earlier. But knowing this doesn't make it any easier to go through the process.

We feel a little calmer now. The negative feelings are still there, but they're simmering at a lower level. We still believe we need to be careful of letting the feelings overwhelm us during the weekend, as is common for us. It's a peace of mind issue, a sleep issue, a rest issue, a health issue....a quality of life issue.

Charity and others

-- Fri Sep 14, 2018 2:26 pm --

Thank you, birdsong, for letting us know that you relate. We're sorry that you go through this as
well. We feel validated, though, in knowing that the "black cloud" image resonates with you.

Shame is definitely an issue for a number of us. So we agree with you that it's at the root of all this. And since we mentioned trauma work in our response to Bejer here, we also wanted to let you know that we recall that you're spoken and written about the need to balance trauma work with more grounding, everyday experiences. We're still learning how to do this. It's a very slow process.

Charity and others
Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 56f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

Frequent: Charity (25), Mary (23), Laura (17.5), Allegra (17), Cass (17)
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Re: The Black Cloud of Self-Loathing (TW)

Postby littleDaria » Fri Sep 14, 2018 7:15 pm

When we read the title of this we immediately thought of an alter of ours who is trapped at the bottom of a well, consumed by self-loathing and other things. Just writing about her is giving us the weebies. We have done visualizations in an attempt to contact/comfort her with very limited success.
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Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
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Re: The Black Cloud of Self-Loathing (TW)

Postby MakersDozn » Fri Sep 14, 2018 7:23 pm

Thanks, littleDaria.

"The weebies"? :) We've never heard of that before, although we understand what you mean.

Have any of you tried placing a ladder down the well?

Hoping that your situation gets better.

Charity, Mary, Allegra, and others
Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 56f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

Frequent: Charity (25), Mary (23), Laura (17.5), Allegra (17), Cass (17)
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Re: The Black Cloud of Self-Loathing (TW)

Postby littleDaria » Fri Sep 14, 2018 7:27 pm

thank you Charity and friends! our circle of love and strength sends her love and light and a Duffy Bear for her very own but she is trapped in her past according to our T and isn't ready yet to emerge. As for the weebies its a word we read in a Kingdom Keepers book by Ridley Pearson.
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
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Re: The Black Cloud of Self-Loathing (TW)

Postby myce » Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:01 am

Every day I am automaton who is drenched in EP feelings while I'm working. They claim to be Sentinel, but Sentinel is also representative for the night children. I was glad to see the title of this thread because it's kind of my mood today. Tdae are especially dark in the loathing, not just of self but of the human species. They left because they hate the species, culture and/or planet we were born into.
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Re: The Black Cloud of Self-Loathing (TW)

Postby myce » Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:39 am

Hello friends, Thank you for being kind and loving because you are the hope in the world. I think there is no god but the devil is real. Pessimistic, but I am not without hope because as long as there is a drop of love in the world then there is hope.
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Re: The Black Cloud of Self-Loathing (TW)

Postby MakersDozn » Tue Sep 18, 2018 2:32 am

Glad this thread has been helpful to you, myce folks.

It's still hard for us to sort through all of these feelings. Even singletons feel conflicted sometimes, but it's harder for folks like us, who have different selves in the mix plus a lack of clarity and/or overlapping ownership of feelings. It's confusing, tiring, frustrating....we could go on.

Charity and others
Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 56f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

Frequent: Charity (25), Mary (23), Laura (17.5), Allegra (17), Cass (17)
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