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How to explore your past (tw?)

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How to explore your past (tw?)

Postby Muninn » Thu Sep 13, 2018 7:03 am

Hi,

I am really interested in finding reasons for our experience of dissociation and different identities. But our and especially my memories is like a Swiss cheese, with big chunks missing or very scattered behind think fog and I also know, that I unfortunately tend to change my memories subconsciously (in good and bay ways) and some of my parts are implying very crazy stuff which are probably pure fantasies or even attempts of self-sabotage.
So trying to remember by myself is not really a reliable way.

I was thinking about asking my family members about things in my childhood, but the person who would know most about me is (according to some of our parts) quite emotionally manipulative and she is also controlling or let's say was influencing at the least all other persons who did know me back then. I even suspect her behavior to be at least partially and indirectly responsible for our problems.
I also left most of old stuff and memories (drawings, photographs) in her house when I moved away and even if I could get it, I am not sure, about finding something useful there, since this she controlled most of it too.
But maybe that is also a false memory of me and all the hate is false projection on her and I just should frankly ask and being happy to be assured that everything was fine back then. Happy End for everyone (that was implied by a kinda sarcastic voice in my head now).

I am really not sure how it is possible to find some unspoiled memories, which are not manipulated by others or myself. How do you achieve that?

Kiran
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Re: How to explore your past (tw?)

Postby Dwelt » Thu Sep 13, 2018 1:13 pm

Hi,

I don't think memories can be unspoiled, not in the way you mean it. A memory is what the mind keep from an event, it reflects only your perception of an event, and often only your interpretation of an event.
And it's the same for everyone. So even if someone don't want to manipulate you, they will only be able to give you their interpretation of your past, but they weren't in your head at this time. They can tell you that everything was fine, and believe it and think it's the truth, while for you it was like being in hell.

Which is important with memories, it's not what they show but what they mean, the feelings that come with and the meaning of the symboles used if things seems weird, crazy or false.
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Re: How to explore your past (tw?)

Postby fireheart » Thu Sep 13, 2018 6:48 pm

Hi,

Memories will come with time. Or they won't. Often you don't need to know the exact story in order to heal.

That being said, there are some venues to obtain some information about you when you were younger. School records and/or old report cards, or perhaps talking to other adults who were in your life at the time. You could also potentially check if there are child abuse report filings about you.

But these things are not guaranteed to lead to memories, and they won't be "unspoiled" (it would be someone's interpretation). I don't think it's possible to have "unspoiled" memories, like Dwelt also said. Every time you remember something, it is a reconstruction and the story may change a bit.
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Re: How to explore your past (tw?)

Postby puppieskittens » Thu Sep 13, 2018 8:42 pm

I have very few childhood memories - huge gaps - but I do have impressions. Even when I have a specific memory of abuse, it is easy to downplay it.

For example, one time around the age of 9, my dad punched me in the back with his fist simply because I happened to walk by. I have no other memories of him punching me in the back so it is easy to think...I only remember one time so surely it must not be so bad.

But the point really should be...What kind of person punches a child in the back for no reason or for any reason? When I look at it that way, then I only need to remember once for me to understand I was in a bad situation being around this person.

Then I have always had the impression that my mom would not even walk through a piece of paper to protect me. But I never felt like I had enough memories to validate this impression.

I have also found that having specific memories of abuse is not particularly helpful. I have discussed abuse memories with trauma therapists and worked hard to come to terms with them...but the relief it gave me was limited.

I have come to understand that it was not the memories or impressions that caused me the most difficulty but the personal conclusions about myself that I reached as a result of my childhood.
My beliefs about myself hold the key. This is what I needed to work on and what I continue to work on.
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Re: How to explore your past (tw?)

Postby NyxX » Thu Sep 13, 2018 9:09 pm

My memories are a mess. Right now I know some things I should remember things I have remembered before but right now I can't remember anything from my childhood, I think it's been since the panic attacks the other day because I tried to reach inside when I shouldn't so now I remember less. But to be honest I'm just guessing and I don't know how long the memories have been missing because I try not to think about them.

When I do have the memories they are almost all bad but only 2 of them can i really explain. As in tell you thing like why or why it happened but even those 2 memories are fragmented and incomplete. The rest of the memories are really confusing because they are so incredibly fragmented and if I try to make sense of them the similar memories start bleeding together. So the details start becoming inconsistent because it's not one memory I'm trying to piece together but many. But I doesn't feel like many it feels like a single maybe memory and the details changing just make me doubt what happened to me.

It used to really bother me that I couldn't be sure of my memories and what happened in all the missing gaps and how bad did things get or were they not bad at all. The unknown was distressing by itself and I felt like if I had all the answers everything would be OK. Eventually I decided the memories didn't matter. What matters is how we feel. How we have been hurt by what happened to us. How we had to twist and divide ourselves.

We decided it doesn't matter what we remember. We don't need to objectively analyse our past and find out what happened to brake us. We don't even think we are broken anymore (we'll not objectively we still feel that way a lot.) the thing that has helped us the most wasn't dealing with any past trauma but helping Nixie learn what the now is. And it has helped us to realise the past isn't what we need to focus on. We need to focus on what we are feeling now. What we believe now. What we need now. And those things have given us a lot of indirect information about our past because understanding our thoughts and trying to heal them sometimes means that we have to disprove the lessons we learnt in the past.
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Re: How to explore your past (tw?)

Postby littleDaria » Thu Sep 13, 2018 9:17 pm

Muninn wrote:Hi,

...my memories is like a Swiss cheese, with big chunks missing or very scattered behind think fog - Kiran


this, so much.
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Re: How to explore your past (tw?)

Postby Muninn » Thu Sep 13, 2018 10:28 pm

Thanks a lot for all your replies and thoughts.

Kiran is a very structured part of us and has this urge to puzzle things together in the "one and only correct and perfect way" which we probably never will achieve, because - as most of you state - memories are not perfect and it is not possible to create or find pure memories. Even if we would find papers which state or disprove something it could be forged, or at least be written by some biased person. We would never know for sure.

For me it is easier to rely on emotions, and if there are bad feelings, there are reasons for that, even if we do not know details. Or if parts of us have some disturbing fragments of memories, it is not so important to proof, if something really happened this way, but rather to find ways to cope with negative emotions which are connected to this "memories". We can't change us by knowing what caused our trouble, and we also can not eliminate and deny how we feel at the moment, if we could disproof all of it as crazy imaginations.
I think that it is more important to focus on how we feel and how we can improve that now and in the future.

-Alea
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