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something is really weird, is there smth wrong with me?

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something is really weird, is there smth wrong with me?

Postby honestlywhatever » Sun Aug 12, 2018 9:20 pm

first of all, this isn't well articulated because im so tired. but i hope its not too difficult or annoying to read.


so im not sure i can remember all of what i want to say but the story includes:

- Feeling another me (someone i've been before and whom im very familiar with) trying to push into my body and take over it
- Feeling like someone/something else that i dont recognize is in my body with me
- Feeling different ”forces” within me trying to push me aside and take over my body
- Identity alteration

it started with me waking up and i dont remember what the hell was going on but i wasnt acting like myself fully (whatever the hell that is).

What i do remember was that i called my mom into my room but i wasnt communicating with her normally. I wasnt saying much.

i went back to bed while my mom went out for a walk and when she came back she didnt go into my room to talk to me which i wanted her to. That made me furious as i felt like she was ignoring me and i realized that i felt like the 19 yr old version of myself which i pretty much never am nowadays. I was pissed and wanted to punch her.
But then a little later i age regressed or started acting like a little child which i sometimes do for some reason...

later my mom and i were driving and i said that i felt weird and goddammit i dont remember how... but i basically started saying a bunch of things like how it feels like another me is trying to push me aside and take over my body and i also felt other forces pushing and it made me physically react to it by me trying to shake the feeling away and things. i felt so uncomfortable and it made me feel almost nauseous. Then i broke down and started crying because it was so uncomfortable (or maybe that's why i was crying, i dont remember fully).
Like i said, i dont remember a lot but i do remember saying to these forces to stop trying to push me and i got angry at this other me as if she in that moment was someone separate from me. i could see this "other me" very clearly personality wise. i knew that i didn't want to become her in that moment because it would change my mood for the worse and the whole thing would just exhaust me. so i tried to push her away.

And then i started feeling like the person i usually feel like nowadays. but then i again started feeling like that other me who had tried to push me earlier. But i never completely landed in any of those senses of selves.
And then my mom started talking to my dad on the phone and i couldnt bear hearing his voice (ive never had a good relationship with my dad) and it triggered a feeling in me like i was scared of him attacking me so i broke down crying again.
I wrote this about the experience: "I feel scared of my dad that he is gonna attack me in some way. I'm really scared and anxious but usually I don't at all feel this fear"

Anyway the whole time i thought i was just having and overactive imagination and that that is what causes all the identity alteration i feel (especially during strong stress, something ive experienced hardcore lately).
i thought nothing special of it and i bet everyone would just tell me: "thats normal you're just really anxious and depressed" but at the same time i bet if they had my experiences they would NOT think its "normal". i mean SERIOUSLY, WHY do i always get that??? i feel like i could literally go out and kill someone and everyone would still tell me im "normal".

sometimes i have these senses/voices of things clashing together inside of my head and it makes me want to smash my head against a wall because its too much.

I also told my mom that i dont want to have different people in myself (cause thats what it felt like i had in that moment) bc i dont know what is what. What is real and not. What is up and what is down and what i want.

And then i could also feel like if i move there is someone else inside of me and it feels so ”gross” and uncomfortable that i want to physically shake it off again.

if i let all of these urges/forces out, people will ask me if im on drugs and think im acting really weird. i realize myself im acting weird though.

I think i might tell my psychiatrist about this but i dont want him to think im psychotic because that has happened before with another psychiatrist as well as one psychologist (although psychosis experts later on said i didnt have a psychotic illness whatsoever. and yeah, i definitely dont).

Sometimes i feel these pushes in my head like forces are trying to communicate with me and it makes me want to shake my head to shake these forces off of me but that doesnt work. It makes me feel like im going crazy. And sometimes (today it happened more than once) i can communicate with other parts of myself a little bit by saying telling other parts of me things like: "stop doing that" or "i hate you you're annoying" as if they're someone else because that's what it feels like. and if i express this outwardly it probably looks like im psychotic and hearing voices, which i dont.

So yeah im probably going to bring this up with my psychiatrist but i also want input from you guys who are way more knowledgeable about this topic.

Similar things to this have happened to me before when ive been under extreme stress but ive never taken it seriously and just thought of myself as someone with a sometimes overactive imagination who is just tricking or deluding themselves
And that has caused me to not tell anyone irl about this because ive been sure im just making it up
But today i felt like i had to express it to my mom when i had the chance because it made me feel so suffocated.

But i cant take the feeling of having another person/people within me because it feels way too overwhelming and it gives me anxiety. though right now i dont think i have other people, most likely, but i do feel fragmented or compartmentalized in a way and very very confused about which part is the real me. i honestly hate them all.

i dont know.. this is weird (or maybe actually not which most people will probably say lol).

and its a long post so i might not get many replies but please please tell me your thoughts on this. does it sound like dissociation? does it sound like borderline personality disorder? does it sound like ANY mental disorder or does it just sound normal?

thank you for listening.

and again, sorry for the poor writing.
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Re: something is really weird, is there smth wrong with me?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Aug 12, 2018 9:47 pm

Maybe you should go back and read all of your posts on this forum and all the replies telling you that it sounds VERY MUCH like the identity alteration of DDNOS/DID, but that none of us can diagnose you and you need to go to someone who has experience with this. Preferably with copies of the posts that describe your experiences.

honestlywhatever wrote:please please tell me your thoughts on this. does it sound like dissociation? does it sound like borderline personality disorder? does it sound like ANY mental disorder or does it just sound normal?


It sounds "normal" FOR a dissociative disorder--it sounds VERY "normal" for DID. You can keep posting these experiences and getting replies, but that won't really get you anywhere. If that is what you have (I'm not saying it is, because no one can diagnose you on this forum), then denial is VERY common, and people tie themselves up in knots trying to find other ways to explain away their symptoms--preferring to think that they have an overactive imagination (things one imagines are under their control--they don't take over), a need for attention (then why are they afraid to tell anyone about it?), a brain tumor, epilepsy, aftereffects of alien abduction (a particularly creative one :D ), etc.

Find a T who has treated this before--call people listed with ISSTD and if there is no one near you, call the nearest one and ask for a referral. And/or do a google search for an expert in dissociative disorders in your city and see what names you get.

That's my recommendation, anyway. Good luck.
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Re: something is really weird, is there smth wrong with me?

Postby NyxX » Sun Aug 12, 2018 10:33 pm

If you worried your T will won't believe you ask them there opinion on DID first. You could say something like you were reading about a person with it who had trouble getting diagnosed because some T's don't believe it exists and ask them what they think.

Hating them and forcing your parts away and keeping them separate from you is a bad idea or at least as far as we are concerned. If you hate they and try to deny them they will fight against you for control. They were created for a reason and will need to express themselves. Someone might hold painful memories so you don't have to some might be trying to protect you some might be trying to find a way for you to be happy. They can exist for lots of reasons but whatever the reason they are a part of you that has been separated and kept apart and developed separately so hating them is hating yourself.

Try to communicate with them if you feel them pushing instead of just pushing back ask what they want or need? Why are they angry or scared? Sometimes just being heard is enough to satisfy the needs they have.

I agree with The Gang that you really need to be working on this with a T that understands dissociation, we can't truly support because we are strangers on the internet. And from your posts you need support because your overwhelmed and frightened by what your experiencing. And that's OK it can be incredibly overwhelming at times but that means you need a good support network and understand what your experiencing so that you can accept it.
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Re: something is really weird, is there smth wrong with me?

Postby honestlywhatever » Sat Aug 18, 2018 12:31 am

I haven't brought it up with anyone yet, but I also now don't feel the need to anymore. While it was occurring, I saw it as more important but now I don't think it was anything "special" other than extreme stress. On a regular basis, I'm not affected by this sort of thing either so I find it easy to let go of when it happens so rarely (although, this time could have been the last).

Yesterday I also had weird experience with feeling, on and off (mostly on), that someone/something else was in my body with me as well as outside of my body hovering over my shoulder or standing really close.

It that something that can occur purely from depersonalization or do only people with alters experience it?
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Re: something is really weird, is there smth wrong with me?

Postby NyxX » Sat Aug 18, 2018 1:03 am

Feeling the presence of another isn't depersonalisation. Depersonalisation is about your connection to yourself, so if you felt like you were outside your body that would be more like depersonalisation. But feeling like another is in your mind or watching you isn't. It would probably be an alternative or part or it could be a delusion. I can't really diagnose you but they are the only reasons I can think of for feeling the presence of another.

Even if you don't feel the need to tell your T right now you did feel the need to post here asking about dissociative experiences so I think it would be a good idea to talk to your T about what your experiencing. Because it sounds like denial is causing you to downplay how you felt about your experiences at the time. And how you felt about what was and is happening is more important than what was.
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