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One insider hates another. How do I help?

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One insider hates another. How do I help?

Postby ItsJustUs » Fri Aug 10, 2018 3:02 pm

One insider hates another. Its causing problems, upset, and chaos. It has me on edge and feeling anxious. The hated one is basically just ignoring the angry one, not feeding into it. But I just dont knoe how to help the angry/hurt one get past this.

Our husband is trying to reason with her, to no avail. My inside helper isn't making any progress either. Any ideas?

K
Kitten 39F-Core, Delilah (age unknown)F- Protector/System Manager/Care Taker, Britney 17F- Former persecutor turned protector, Lilly 5.5F, Little Wolf (young, but age unknown) "job" unknown, Val- age unknown, Female entity, we think she is a protector
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Re: One insider hates another. How do I help?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Aug 10, 2018 3:40 pm

It might help the angry/hurt one to share their feelings with the T. You and your husband aren't really neutral parties. That part may need to talk about all the reasons they hate the other part--reasons that feel valid to them but may not feel that way to you and your husband (or the hated part).

This came up in my therapy the other day. I have a lot of parts that really dislike (or hate) my husband, and my T was saying that perhaps those parts could share those feelings with him (the T). I was like, "How's that going to help??" And he said that it might make it easier for me to sort out how much of the feelings were based in the past--like not even really related to my husband, vs. how much were things they actually dislike about him as a person.
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Re: One insider hates another. How do I help?

Postby SOHank » Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:12 pm

One of the best pieces of advice someone told me, that may or may not apply, is, “We only add, we do not subtract.” Meaning no one is replaced or "obsoleted". Everyone is important and contributes to the team.
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Re: One insider hates another. How do I help?

Postby ItsJustUs » Fri Aug 10, 2018 6:27 pm

SOHank wrote:One of the best pieces of advice someone told me, that may or may not apply, is, “We only add, we do not subtract.” Meaning no one is replaced or "obsoleted". Everyone is important and contributes to the team.


That's what our husband is trying to reassure the upset one of. That she is not ever going to be replaceable, that her special times are not going to be given away to the other. That getting to know the new one will in no way affect how much he loves her (the angry one), and it will not lessen his time with her or change their relationship.


-- Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:30 pm --

TheGangsAllHere wrote:It might help the angry/hurt one to share their feelings with the T. You and your husband aren't really neutral parties. That part may need to talk about all the reasons they hate the other part--reasons that feel valid to them but may not feel that way to you and your husband (or the hated part).

This came up in my therapy the other day. I have a lot of parts that really dislike (or hate) my husband, and my T was saying that perhaps those parts could share those feelings with him (the T). I was like, "How's that going to help??" And he said that it might make it easier for me to sort out how much of the feelings were based in the past--like not even really related to my husband, vs. how much were things they actually dislike about him as a person.



Yes, I agree. We've been away from our T for a while due to a crazy summer schedule. But have our next appointment a week from Monday. She may be able to.work in some time Tuesday. I just DG ont knoe ir this other part will talk to her. This insider has never come out during therapy before. She HAS texted the T twice.

K
Kitten 39F-Core, Delilah (age unknown)F- Protector/System Manager/Care Taker, Britney 17F- Former persecutor turned protector, Lilly 5.5F, Little Wolf (young, but age unknown) "job" unknown, Val- age unknown, Female entity, we think she is a protector
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Re: One insider hates another. How do I help?

Postby KawaiiKitty » Sat Aug 11, 2018 8:54 am

Could the insider write a letter? If they have texted the T before, they might feel far more comfortable writing a letter or something instead of talking directly to the T. Baby steps ya know?
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Infant/Toddler: Moirai (wont post obviously)
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Gatekeeper: Cam
Protector: MusicaMorganaNadia
ISH: Jo
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Teens: KayEmmaHansZed
Adults:JaretteJessicaElizabeth
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Re: One insider hates another. How do I help?

Postby IainEtc » Sat Aug 11, 2018 11:08 am

Sounds like the angry part is scared everybody is going away. That's like the worst feeling ever! Maybe she could write here - or with the Teens or Littles. I bet she could get some help if she'd ask for it. I think she'll feel better when your T starts up again.

Just some thoughts.

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When they say 'be yourself',
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Re: One insider hates another. How do I help?

Postby ItsJustUs » Sun Aug 12, 2018 8:56 pm

IainEtc wrote:Sounds like the angry part is scared everybody is going away. That's like the worst feeling ever! Maybe she could write here - or with the Teens or Littles. I bet she could get some help if she'd ask for it. I think she'll feel better when your T starts up again.

Just some thoughts.

Iain


I don't think she will write about it in the forums. The last time she had an issue with a new part coming out, she posted about her fears and frustrations in the teen thread and she was attacked for them. It's not likely she'll open up on here like that again.

K
Kitten 39F-Core, Delilah (age unknown)F- Protector/System Manager/Care Taker, Britney 17F- Former persecutor turned protector, Lilly 5.5F, Little Wolf (young, but age unknown) "job" unknown, Val- age unknown, Female entity, we think she is a protector
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Re: One insider hates another. How do I help?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Aug 12, 2018 9:25 pm

Are you talking about Britney? Because I just went back and read her posts about the wolf part when it(they?) first appeared, and the thing she was "attacked" for (by someone kind of unstable who has since left) didn't have to do with the new part--it had to do with that person's protector getting triggered by a misunderstanding about your husband's relationship with your system.

That's the only time I remember there being any kind of negativity on the teen thread. They're all usually super supportive of each other. But she can also make her own thread if she wants input from more than just teens.

I remember Sasha writing to Britney about it being more like a layer cake than a pie, because she was worried that more parts meant less time fronting for her, and it seemed like that was a helpful concept. But maybe not.
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Re: One insider hates another. How do I help?

Postby ItsJustUs » Sun Aug 12, 2018 10:52 pm

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Are you talking about Britney? Because I just went back and read her posts about the wolf part when it(they?) first appeared, and the thing she was "attacked" for (by someone kind of unstable who has since left) didn't have to do with the new part--it had to do with that person's protector getting triggered by a misunderstanding about your husband's relationship with your system.

That's the only time I remember there being any kind of negativity on the teen thread. They're all usually super supportive of each other. But she can also make her own thread if she wants input from more than just teens.

I remember Sasha writing to Britney about it being more like a layer cake than a pie, because she was worried that more parts meant less time fronting for her, and it seemed like that was a helpful concept. But maybe not.


Thank you for that clarification. I'll pass the message onto her. She's a very passionate person and feels every emotion very deeply. And change is very hard for her, she never handles it well.

K
Kitten 39F-Core, Delilah (age unknown)F- Protector/System Manager/Care Taker, Britney 17F- Former persecutor turned protector, Lilly 5.5F, Little Wolf (young, but age unknown) "job" unknown, Val- age unknown, Female entity, we think she is a protector
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