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Just some things I want to get out in the air

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Just some things I want to get out in the air

Postby Juicypotatoes » Thu Aug 09, 2018 3:05 am

An aside: I’m really sorry I don’t ever reply to anyone. For some reason I can post but I’m not allowed to respond hardly ever. I’m not sure why yet but when asking the answer is always no. Thank you tho for all of your posts and responses.


—-

I tend to think in lists, so bare with me.

1. My knee was really hurting the other day and I went to my partners house. I asked him to rub it. And he did but decided that I really needed ice as it was swollen. I felt like I didn’t want him to leave and tried to get him to stop and showed him it didn’t hurt anymore by pressing on it hitting it. He was impressed and said you have a high tolerance for pain but I’m still getting ice. During this I could feel myself kind of floating away I think to get away from the pain. Anyways, He went to the store comes back and proceeds to put the ice on my knee and I immediately freak the ###%% out. I mean yell out NO I DONT WANT it and any time he tried to put it back on I would kick it off. And I wonder now if it was more about the ice rather than being alone. I have no idea why I had such a visceral reaction to ice but it makes sense bc I never use ice /Ice packs for anything. I just knew I didn’t want that ice touching me. At all. He finally said ok and I just kept repeating no ice. No ice. Inside wouldn’t tell me why. Everything is still a secret. I want to know but I think secretly I don’t and they know and that’s why I’m still in the dark.

2. Immediately after the ice incident I fell into a :sigh: I don’t know what to call it. It’s like where first I can’t move and then I can’t talk. And eventually I’ll be able to talk. Except this time it lasted so long. I knew what I wanted to say I just couldn’t get myself to say it. I didn’t really panic. I felt young. Teenager. Shy. I think I’m always presen like my thoughts were there I just wasn’t acting like me? And I didn’t really feel like me? I don’t know if that makes sense... Tho after a switch I don’t remember everything that happened so I’m not really sure. Sometimes I think I’ve made it all up. Like I’ve convinced myself I have it so now I believe it and my brain makes it up or something. Idk.

3. Another event happened that night and I switched I think and I think he now believes I have different parts. I think he thought I was lying before. He was asking for the truth about something (I have no idea what about) and I started to smile and then he asked to me to leave Bc he thought I was lying bc I was smiling and then I started to cry saying it was just a reaction from inside bc that’s what she wants to leave like I can’t control the reactions sometimes. I don’t want to leave. She do so she happy that you told me too. And he was like stop stop and said why she wanna leave I was like she don’t love you. He said I want everybody to love me. And he paused and asked do you love me? And that’s when it happened and I switched and I could feel it and

I was like naaaa. He’s full of bull$$ I told him so too. I asked him why he wanted her ? Basically what his intentions was. He said some bullsh$$ like love and I ain’t scared of this blah blah blah shut up. He don’t care. He ain’t really here for ya you feel me? That’s what I said. That’s what happened. He’s a bull$$r and a liar. I asked him what made his work meaningful and then she had to butt in we didn’t get to finish. Well finish tonight. Hahahah. B$$$.

(Well that was interesting I started writing about what happened and she came out to write what happened Didn’t want to say name or pick a color so idk where to go from there. ) anyways I remember him explaining something and me being confused bc that wasn’t what I had asked him. And then he sat down like oh. All his mannerism changed and he was like it’s ok. I get it now. It’s all good. So maybe he believe me. Idk. It’s strange bc I don’t even believe myself.

4. I don’t think I ever experience time gaps anymore or now that they know I’m aware they don’t let me be aware there ever was a time gap. (Example: apparently I got out of my car to try to find my friend and met her aunt in the elevator but I thought I had stayed in my car the entire time. Except seeing her aunt she goes oh!! We met in the elevator already!! ::insert blank stare::) never knew it happened never realized the time had been lost. I try to watch the gauge on my car gas and mileage bc sometimes in the morning I’ll get in and be like this looks different or my car seat feel different but as soon as the thought is there it’s gone.

5. Going back to my partner....I think my partner is a conman. He is asking about getting a savings account together. I feel like this is a trap. Or to get my money I don’t make much but I do make more than him. I am not stupid.

6.Yet part of me still loves him. I think it’s the little and an adult part. Idk if it’s “me” (this part writing this) idk if I feel anything really and am just more so influenced by everyone else :sigh: I really don’t know.

7. I realized yesterday through talking with him yes he’s right I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be tied down either. It’s why I float from one to the next with no obligations and no expectations. I value my freedom firstmost. I don’t know why I do. But I just do. I cannot feel trapped. As little as having my arms trapped under the covers to something big like a relationship....I realized last year, that it isn’t happiness I’m chasing, its freedom.

I just want to be free....
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Re: Just some things I want to get out in the air

Postby NyxX » Thu Aug 09, 2018 4:54 pm

Someone wanted to reply this morning I'm not sure who but they didn't feel like they could and I haven't reread the post so I can't remember everything in it. Anyway the someone from this morning wanted to say we can only ignore and suppress certain types of pain not all. It's possible the ice changed the pain and made it harder for you to not feel it. If that's the case it isn't necessary a suppressed memory making the ice make things more difficult but that it's hindering your ability to manage the pain.
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