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First therapy session....ends in disaster. *TW*

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First therapy session....ends in disaster. *TW*

Postby Juicypotatoes » Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:31 am

*tw depression, suicide, psych hospital, 5350, *

I went to therapy for the first time. What was supposed to be a normal intake has turned into me being put into a hospitalization under a involuntary hold (5350). I believe the dr did it falsely and I should not be here.

Around 1pm I show up and fill out paperwork. At 1:38 I talk to the dr briefly about childhood and for about half hour to an hour about hearing voices. Sometimes losing time but never longer than 30 min and not very often maybe once a week. But not for a while since I’ve been talking more to them in my head. And I said I mainly am always present things are just kinda hazy when I come back or like wake up I guess and I second guess if what happened was real or not. Etc etc. She asked if I have heard about splits before. I feign ignorant and say no bc I want to hear what she has to say. She goes on to explain and ask if any of my voices have names etc I kinda go stony and dot respond and she said can I know their names? I was like naaaaaa. There was a micro expression. I saw it but didn’t see it. I felt it. I can’t explain it. It wasn’t a good one and didn’t match with what she said of it’s no problem if you’re not comfortable that’s ok! I should have realized the red flag. I should have left right there. My peeps knew she was no good. I think I wanted to believe she was good and helpful.

We started talking about my depression. She kept wanting me to give her my boyfriends number to so she could call him and update him about my treatment plan but he doesn’t like giving out his number and I wanted to talk to him first and I said let me talk to him and I’ll see what he says. She asked like three more times for it and I said the same thing it was so weird. Anyways i definitely said some things like I’ve definitely thought about driving off the overpass like whoop there I go ! It’d be so easy! But it’s something I’d never do. ESP because my mom is so Christian and I have this intense fear that heaven and hell is real She asked multiple times if I had ever planned a suicide and I said naaaa. She said how often do you think about suicide I was like I mean I want to die every day probably but like I’m realizing since April when my voices have become more like distinguished it’s just like one part that wants to die. She’ll be like I want to die and we’ll be like omggggg we knowwww chilllll. Haha.

Anyways. She had me talk to a psychiatrist she wanted me to take some sleep meds I was like cool I don’t get much sleep. She said depression should lift when sleep stabilizes. I said cool. Dr lady did not like that at alllll.

She gave me then options to either have out patient treatment or hospitalization I was like uh out patient treatment duh. She goes and comes back with a counselor with a man. I’m low key confused bc when I was triaged to schedule appointment I had requested a woman and she said she’d make a note of that for me. So I know they knew. I said actually I don’t see men I need a woman. She said hold on I actually need a second opinion. She goes . I have this feeling GET OUT NOW LEAVE. GET OUT . WE ARE NOT SAFE YOU NEED TO LEAVE. But I didn’t bc I figured it would be fine. She comes back and says so there’s been a hiccup. You’re going to be hospitalized.

I said excuse me???? I can’t! I have ____ as a job I cannot have this on my record!!! She said we need to make sure you are safe so was like I don’t understand I’m not tryna commit suicide I told you I’ve never planned it I don’t understands she said well you did and didn’t say that I was like how do I undo your decision? Like who can I call? My sister ? My boyfriend? She said there’s nothing you can do. I know. It sucks. I didn’t say this but I’m thinking EXCUSE ME?!? It SUCKS!?! this is my LIFE we’re talking about. You can’t just lock me up st a hospital cuz you feel some type of way! You can’t tell me I have a split when you talked to me about that for half a hour and depression for half a hot and didn’t dissect any of that or how it could possibly intersect!

::an aside. I told her about my rape last year. And she also said. I’m sorry that really sucks:: another red flag that I ignored. ::sigh::

I’m so mad ! She wouldn’t even speak to my boufriend who drove over to speak with her. She flat out refused. She then stopped talking to me and ignored me right outside the “sitting room” she spoke to my sister but only afte I asked the security guard of my sitting room to contact her like 3 times and (she did each three times but it took one hour for the dr lady to come see me).(. My sister then threatened to sue her my sister later told me.?

I have a support system! Why wouldn’t the dr lady just release me into their care if she so damm worried ? She didn’t ask me anything about any future plans I have either. I got a new job at the job I work at! I start next Friday! I just sent out ____\ to all my _____ about it telling them when to come back! Like what?!? How is this an imminent threat to my own safety !

And the hospital I’m at is dragging this out saying sorry there’s no placement at the psych facility but I feel like they are lyin for sure. And just trying to make me stay longer. They have told me so many different things here and a psychologist accuses me of recording when he came in to talk to me I said that’s a strange thing to ask me. Should I be recording ? He said if I was going to be rude he would just leave.

This whole situation is WRONG WRONG WRONG.


——-

In writing this all I just realized that I think she placed me in hospitalization bc she thinks I’ll switch to that part and kill myself. But she never asked about my protector part. How sometimes I can’t move or speak bc I CANT. Like when ____ is wanting to come out and can’t bc he’s being blocked. And to be sure my protector like makes sure I don’t move. And I don’t speak. I’m incapable of harming myself in a physical capacity.

And that’s why it’s ludicrous for me to be here. bc I have parts that make sure I can’t do anything to myself.....


I want to go home guys :( this doesn’t feel fair.
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Re: First therapy session....ends in disaster. *TW*

Postby NyxX » Fri Jul 13, 2018 9:05 am

I'm not in America so I had to do some research if your getting a conservatorship (from what I can gather being made a ward of the state) things are definitely not as they should be. Is there anyway you or your sister or bf can look into it and find out what your rights are and fight against what the hospital are doing?
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Re: First therapy session....ends in disaster. *TW*

Postby Juicypotatoes » Fri Jul 13, 2018 11:29 am

NyxX wrote:I'm not in America so I had to do some research if your getting a conservatorship (from what I can gather being made a ward of the state) things are definitely not as they should be. Is there anyway you or your sister or bf can look into it and find out what your rights are and fight against what the hospital are doing?



Thank you for your reply. I meant 5150. A 3 day involuntary hold. That’s my error. I don’t know how to edit my post on my phone.

My sister and guy are working on it from the outside from what I understand there is no reversing a hold but any thoughts would be welcome.

I found out I may be getting transferred to a facility that is known for keeping patients for longer about 35 miles from my house instead of one that about 12 miles from my house.

I don’t understand why they are doing this.
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Re: First therapy session....ends in disaster. *TW*

Postby birdsong87 » Fri Jul 13, 2018 11:45 am

did you talk to the suicidal part to see if maybe they fronted for a moment and you are not aware of it? Maybe they shared something that caused all this...

We would try to keep our head down and not talk about suicidal tendencies at all and not engage in that conversation when they try. And probably not share more about parts that could make them freak out. And at the same time let our support people move mountains to get us out while we seem kind of compliant and harmless.
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Re: First therapy session....ends in disaster. *TW*

Postby NyxX » Fri Jul 13, 2018 12:36 pm

I did more looking up what the 5150 was and sever depression or a desire to die is apparently enough for them to hold you. So I agree with birdsongs advise.
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Re: First therapy session....ends in disaster. *TW*

Postby Juicypotatoes » Fri Jul 13, 2018 1:45 pm

Thank you for both of your replies it is really helpful for me to hear from you both. I didn’t realize it was just severe depression. Had I realize I could be hospitalized I definitely would have been much more careful and downplayed severity.

We were quite rude to the suicidal part a little bit ago and so I can’t get in touch just now it is possible she fronted without my knowledge. The therapist did have this urgency that I didn’t understand. I didn’t feel anything was urgent.

It’s difficult for me to communicate all the time. A lot of times everyone is just silent recent weeks (I had been doing a lot of denial) idk this idea about did to me is all relatively new as I didn’t really realize I probably am a multiple until mid April. I will keep trying and see if I can figure anything more out.

I’ve had depression for 17 years I feel like I can go another 17 years with it without harming myself. It took one hour for her to decide this was the best method for myself? I don’t understand.

We are still waiting for placement at a psych facility. My sister tells me the one they are trying to send me to is known for keeping patients longer.

We got warned by the security guard to “not be annoying or they will keep me longer “ We are hiding in the sheets right now and being cooperative. We are quite scared we don’t understand what is happening. We want to go home.

Thank you both for your replies it helps
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Re: First therapy session....ends in disaster. *TW*

Postby NyxX » Fri Jul 13, 2018 2:19 pm

See if you can make friends with the guard because they sound like the most supportive person in there for you unless its the one you had to pester. Either way they will know how the place operates and as I wouldn't trust the doctor your seeing knowing how they work can be very beneficial.

I occasionally have suicidal thoughts they are the same ones I had when I was 17 and tried to kill myself. I think it's part of a flashbacks or maybe from a part I'm not aware of. Anyway I told my last T about them and immediately she starts asking questions to assess if I'm going to follow through on the thoughts or not. And I know it's important they assess the danger but I remember feeling like I was being interrogated and that it made me feel less able to talk about what I was experiencing.

I can't imagine what would have happened to me if they sectioned me (uk version of a hold.) I know it would have made me worse because I can't tolerate feeling confined or trapped or isolated.

I hope you make it through ok and that wherever they transfer you has more understanding people.
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Re: First therapy session....ends in disaster. *TW*

Postby Una+ » Fri Jul 13, 2018 2:33 pm

Juicypotatoes wrote:I’ve had depression for 17 years I feel like I can go another 17 years

What a horrible thought! Why would you even think of doing that to yourself? Isn't 17 years already more than enough?

Reading your posts, I think the hold is appropriate. You can spend the 3 days fighting or you can get with the program and see what develops. What do you have to lose? A lot of posters here do report that for them hospitalization was a turning point toward wellness.

Now that your suicidal part is acknowledged, why not talk openly about her? Why not let her talk? You mention you can hear her; that means you can repeat what she says to the therapists, which is brilliant. I bet if she tries she can hear the therapist herself. And her talking through you will give them a chance to help you all. Or if you can't tolerate her stuff, you can go inside and not listen and just let her talk to the therapist directly. That's what this kind of hospital is good for! They know about suicide and they know that inside you is a suicidal patient, and they provide a safe place for a suicidal patient to come out. Don't you want help? Don't you deserve help?

Something you wrote earlier is giving me some acute emotional pain:
Juicypotatoes wrote:She’ll be like I want to die and we’ll be like omggggg we knowwww chilllll. Haha.

Ouch! I want to give her a safe, warm, wonderful hug and tell her: I hear you and I am so sorry you want to die. You are not all alone. I know how that feels and it is awful. Of course you don't want to feel that way, of course it is intolerable and you don't know how to make it stop except by dying, but dying is not the only way out. Try to let the hospital staff help you find the way out to a wonderful life without depression.

You can do this.
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Re: First therapy session....ends in disaster. *TW*

Postby RedHound » Fri Jul 13, 2018 2:40 pm

OMG that's so messed up! I'm so sorry to is happening :( normally not having any intent is enough to get doctors/Ts to calm down.

If they are going to keep you, I'd agree with the "head down" approach. You're reactions don't sound unreasonable to me, but the doctor may have some ego trip going or she may just not be at all familiar with DID and not want to risk anything.

I still don't get why she couldn't try outpatient care first >:(

If it wouldn't eff up work, I'd say let your suicidal alter out. Basically, this is all meant to address that part, so that's who is going to get any potential benefits.

Is there a way to contact your work and tell them you've had a medical emergency? Maybe your sister could give them a summary of the situation that would sound like something not mental health related?

If so, maybe you can get some good out of the situation and avoid any major fall out.
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Re: First therapy session....ends in disaster. *TW*

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Jul 13, 2018 2:49 pm

It takes a lot for them to do a 5150 for danger to self. You need to have expressed imminent intent to harm yourself, usually with a specific plan. Can you ask inside about that to find out what was said? Because it's possible that part of you was reaching out for outside help--a different kind of help than the protector has been giving.

It's hard when you have different parts all responding to the situation in different ways. It's likely that there are very frightened littles as well.

I hope that you're able to speak with someone there who is more understanding and can help you sort out what's happening.
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