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Do you also have good memories...MT

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Do you also have good memories...MT

Postby kittenspuppies » Tue Jun 12, 2018 12:19 am

MT

MT

Do you also have good memories of contact with your abuser?

Do the good memories affect how you feel now about the person who abused you?

If you once loved the person who abused you...do you still love them despite the abuse?
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Re: Do you also have good memories...MT

Postby SphinxMoth » Tue Jun 12, 2018 12:28 am

Yes, I have good memories of the abuser.

For a long time, the good memories made it very confusing and conflicting to understand what had happened and made me deny a lot. Although denial is still a problem at the time, it is less so now.

I will always have good memories of the abuser. Just like I will always have bad memories with good people. Both of those affect me, certainly moreso the first because I was a child when both the good memories and the bad memories occurred.

I do love the person still, but I love the abuser far away. When I have to be nearby I am protective of myself and keep my alert up. I don't allow myself to get into situations where abuse can happen again. I don't spend time alone with that person, or if I have to be alone, it is only in public. I only allow things to happen on my terms because I can.
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Re: Do you also have good memories...MT

Postby NyxX » Tue Jun 12, 2018 12:38 am

No we do not but we don't have many memories at all. We did love him and were devoted to him the me I was when I was 18 snapped one day (the fasted we have ever reincarnated the core) and the new me didn't love him anymore.
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Re: Do you also have good memories...MT

Postby Johnny-Jack » Tue Jun 12, 2018 2:26 am

These are basic questions that aren't asked here often.
kittenspuppies wrote:Do you also have good memories of contact with your abuser?

Yes, many, of several abusers: mother,.father, grandfather, an uncle, even some acquaintances of the father. But I have much better memories of some other family members because they aren't drug down by abuse memories.

Do the good memories affect how you feel now about the person who abused you?

Yeah, they're part of the whole picture but my overall opinion or judgment is pretty swamped by the abuse. I was taught, in part, to hate any form of child abuse, by mother, an abuser. When I first told her about the milder things she did, she got angry (at herself, the idea?) and said, "how is that possible, I HATE that type of person."

If you once loved the person who abused you...do you still love them despite the abuse?

I'm not sure I really loved them, maybe I would have said I did if pressed, but I don't recall feeling love for them. A couple littles loved one or the other. I can better distinguish the good feelings as applying to the good host alters of both parents, who had DID, and a child alter of my mother. I have disgust and hatred for their sickest alters. Yet I know they're the same people. Overall, "thumbs down."
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Re: Do you also have good memories...MT

Postby fireheart » Tue Jun 12, 2018 7:43 am

I have good memories of all of my abusers. This is what made it so difficult as a child.
I still love them despite the abuse.

My feelings are compartmentalized. E.g.: one part holds love for my father, one part holds love for my mother, one part holds extreme fear for my father, one part holds hatred for my mother, etc.

So, yes. It also still affects how I feel about them now.

It helps that I have given up on wanting love or validation from them. I see them as neutral strangers that you cannot count on. I talk to my father on the phone twice a year. I see my mother sometimes. I had to protect myself and let them go. Otherwise I will only hurt more, and the love will lead to more and more inner conflict.
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Re: Do you also have good memories...MT

Postby VioletFlux » Tue Jun 12, 2018 11:37 am

It's hard to say, for us. We have very few memories at all, of childhood or of abuse. We strongly suspect our parents weren't the greatest, and have some fleeting memories, and some that are more like 'factual information' rather than autobiographical memories. Plus we know our abuse started before we were adopted, so we never knew those abusers.

There are good and bad memories but they're a lot more recent stuff. Like, we know our dad used to be a very angry man and we were terrified of him at times. But at some point he changed, drastically. We don't know when, just that when he was older, he was like an entirely different person. Very peaceful, very calm, even-tempered. So, our memories of the later version are good.

Our mum, can be very kind and caring and whatever, but then turn around and be kind of callous and hurtful. I don't think it's intentional. I don't think she tries to be mean, and I don't think she even realizes stuff she says can be upsetting. Heck I wouldn't be surprised to learn she has some kind of personality disorder, or possibly even something like DID.

So again, there's good and bad aspects. Just where the dad was perhaps 'bad' for a long time, then 'good' for a long time, the mother alternates between the two even now.

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Re: Do you also have good memories...MT

Postby PlanetIcarus » Tue Jun 12, 2018 11:59 am

We have so many abusers we don't remember them all. The long term ones: main physical abuser - no good memories, they weren't any good things to us. We do remember it all clearly. Not all the abuse, but how life was. Main underage sexual relationship - we do not call it abuse but sexual relationship because we do have good memories. There are also some bad memories, but we don't know if it is the same person at all. I do not even want to know it. Most of the abusers are from institutes and fosters etc. - no good memories.
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Re: Do you also have good memories...MT

Postby myce » Wed Jun 13, 2018 2:42 am

The abuser taught me to gut a fish and ride a horse. I enjoyed those activities. He dressed up like Santa with his pet llama and gave the children candy for charity. It added to the gas-light effect as he showed off how good he was while at home he was a raging narcissist. Since he was a stepparent and not my parent, he couldn't control me as deeply as a parent could have. I hated him with all of my soul. But I called him "daddy" at one time, even though I had a dad... most of the memories are locked away.
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