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A State Of Flux

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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Fri Mar 29, 2019 7:07 pm

*** trigger warning, mention of suicide & self harm ***

So yesterday was an anniversary that we all totally forgot about.

6 years ago from yesterday was our last near suicide. And we mean last, as in we will never, ever be in that bad of a place again. That's an ongoing promise to ourselves.

That was long long before we became self-aware. Previous host struggled with depression and had all the same issues we do of course. She hadn't heard of dissociation or whatever but she definitely suffered depersonalization and derealization a lot and we know there were switches and passive influence and stuff.

Won't go into the details but she hit rock bottom and came very, very close to ending it all. Like metaphorically standing on the edge with one foot in the air ready to step off, one gentle breeze away from disaster, that level of close.

But she didn't. She wanted to but she chickened out. Settled for some self-harm instead.

And it's been a long difficult uphill climb since then, but we're still here and we're still climbing and fighting and going.

Viola
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Fri Apr 05, 2019 10:23 am

We reckon it's time for an update of our system list. It's been about 6 months since the last one and there's been a bunch of changes and stuff.

So, first up is our 'outside team'. They could also be referred to as 'co hosts'. These three are either fronting/hosting, or coconsious, or asleep. They don't go further inside than the in-between/void, they don't go into our inner world.

Arin : 22yo woman. Since she grew up in Jan 2019, she moved from inside to outside and has been our most active 'outsider'. She's got some grown-up levels of responsibility but not much experience. She takes charge though when noone else will, and coordinates / organizes the rest of us. Interested in photography, and she likes things to be clean and neat.

Viola : 17yo 'catgirl'. A relatively new part of our system, we believe she formed out of the remains of our previous host, Stephanie. She has memories of that process, memories of being Stephanie at the end and then emerging 6 months later renewed and different. Somewhat active and seems to have some of Steph's computer skills, but refuses to take any 'host' responsibilities. She carries a lot of anger and resentment towards our family, for how they took advantage of Stephanie over and over. Tends to act aloof, a little rebellious, and sometimes naughty.

Violet (2) : Aka teen Violet aka V2. 16yo, enjoys socializing, listening to music, hanging out with friends. Wants us to look good, with nice clothes and jewelry etc. A little obsessed with body piercing / body mods. Was our most-active outsider after V1 left / until Arin grew up, and since then has been much less active, taking a break to rest and recover.


The largest group is our '[i'inside team[/i]' - that is, they spend most of their time inside, or in our inner world. They rarely front (though they can if desired), and are more active through internal communication, passive influence, etc.

"Anger" : emotional fragment, no age or gender. Just the embodiment of rage. When Anger takes over, we get loud, stompy, smash things, break things. When Anger leaves, we feel shocked and embarassed at our actions. We're kinda afraid of this, so Anger is never, ever let out in public. Only at home in private. May actually be a little in disguise.

Charlie : 6yo boy, tho he can age-slide to 12 or 24. Protector. His 'job' is to protect the littles, to keep them inside where they are safe. He also tries to take pain for the system. Like if we are suddenly injured or whatever. Acute pain. Not chronic stuff. He used to be a bully towards all of us, as that is what he learned originally - he was bullied and became one himself to protect the rest of us. Now he's learning to communicate without threats / violence, and learning that he doesn't need to be that bully any more.

Claire : Our earliest / youngest known part. She slides between an infant and 20yo. She holds our earliest trauma(s), from foster care. She is quiet, usually non-verbal, and communicates with images and emotions. She carries depression, despair, sadness. Other parts avoid her because her sadness is overwhelming. She's currently lost/trapped in a dark place.

Ewan : He used to be a 4yo boy, trapped in darkness with Claire. He carried sadness and abandonment, and desperately wanted/needed a mommy. Recently he was 'rescued' by L----, who somehow turned him into a cat and now he is loved and cared-for by Janet and Melissa.

Janet : We don't know too much about her, but we have some evidence to suggest she fronted up until around age four. She might be 4yo or maybe as old as 12 or may age-slide, it's hard to get much from her as she's been in hiding for a very long time so keeping hidden has become her default state.

L---- : A very enigmatic part, possibly 'ageless' but she appears as a 14yo girl, cloaked in vines and leaves and other green living things. Loves nature, even the dirty creepy parts of it. Magical, spiritual, powerful, brave. She knows her way around the Inside and can change things. Similar to Rebecca in some ways, but where Rebecca is a 'watcher', L---- is a 'doer'.

"Maddie" : Another emotional fragment. We believe they're ageless and genderless like Anger. Might actually be a twin of Anger. Where Anger's wrath is directed outwards, Maddie's is directed inwards. When we can't or won't lash out, they direct it inwards to self-harm or self-medicate.

Melissa : 7yo girl, our most active little and the first one we encountered. She's been active at least since the 1990's. She experienced trauma when we were in gradeschool but has moved past that on her own. She is 2nd most active outside of all of us nowadays, enjoying cartoons and sometimes drawing and other activities. She's quite clever and full of surprises, as she knows her way around the system due to being active for so long.

Mike : 35yo man, outside protector. Where Charlie protects by keeping littles inside, Mike protects by keeping an eye out for outside threats and danger. He also enjoys watching NHL, F1 racing, and British Premier League football (soccer).

Nyssa : Older little, or young tween perhaps, we aren't sure on her age yet. She emerged very recently, having been dormant or asleep for a long time. Noone in the system expected her so her emergence was quite a surprise. Seems to like dark things, a bit emo/goth. Likes bats, rats, darkness, and blood. We don't know much more about her yet. :?

Rebecca : Ageless and emotionless, though to us she appears as a ~35yo woman. She is sometimes our internal helper and possibly a gatekeeper to the Inside. She resides in the 'in-between', the void between the Outside and Inside worlds. From there she watches 'everything' and knows a great deal about the system, tho she tends to be very vague and avoids direct answers etc.

Trina : 25yo 'catgirl'. Formerly known as S2, she has finally been able to let go of her denial and anger and remade herself as she 'joined the team'. She is our responsible mature part, good with money. Though when not actively working on business or financial matters she can act very playful and stereotypcally 'catgirl'. (Nyaa.) :?

W??? : We don't know anything about this part other than that they exist, and that they are currently trapped in the darkness with Claire. Odds are they're carrying a lot of sadness and despair from some early trauma, like Claire is and Ewan was. Possibly related to some of our disordered eating problems.


And finally, a couple parts to mention who don't fit into either the 'inside' or 'outside' teams:

Stephanie : Referred to a lot as "previous host", she was host from around age 18 till she burned out in Nov 2017. Suffered on and off from depression. Massive denial about our DID symptoms. When she couldn't go on any more & V1 took over, Stephanie let herself fade away to oblivion. No longer part of our system, at least some of her traits seem to have returned as Viola.

Violet (1) : Aka older Violet, aka V1. 22yo she was originally an insider focused on fitness / health / diet stuff. Then when Stephanie went away she became the new host. She had a lot of anxiety issues and had trouble coping with things. Currently we believe she has retreated deep into the in-between / void, and is either lost, stuck, or hiding there, dormant and isolated.
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby BeccaBee » Fri Apr 05, 2019 10:38 am

cool. I'm saw the signature growing and knew I was missing a lot.
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Dx: DID, C-PTSD, Panic Disorder


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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Apr 05, 2019 3:18 pm

Thanks for the update. Really interesting to read.

Why isn't Melissa considered part of the outside team if she's the second-most active on the outside? (Asking because several of our main fronters have been kids)
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Fri Apr 05, 2019 3:49 pm

Thanks BeccaBee, Gang!

Gang, part of that answer is 'whoops we didn't read too close when we copy/pasted that from the earlier list'. :oops:

Melissa is still definitely the most active 'insider', but she does spend most of her time in the inner world.

And since Arin grew up, Melissa has been less active. Unfortunately she's been a bit sad about that since she feels like she lost a friend. :(

Arin & Viola
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Tue Apr 09, 2019 1:02 pm

TheGangsAllHere started a thread about DP/DR here, discussing a noncorporeal part named Watcher. Then birdsong87 mentioned some things which suddenly made me think about our Rebecca:
birdsong87 wrote:Age is a watcher, but she found out she likes olives. without a body there is no savoring. the mind is not enough for that.

Rebecca's role in our system seems to be that of observer, or watcher.

When V1 was first learning about our DID and first getting to know parts, she couldn't see anyone else. Rebecca was the first one she encountered but could never see her. After some pestering, V1 finally got an 'appearance' for Rebecca but was sort of unsure if it was 'real' or just something Rebecca was telling her, to get her to stop asking.

V1 even asked that - 'is this really you, or are you just giving me this to make me happy?' and Rebecca wouldn't give a straight answer to that. She did think it wierd that V1 (and the rest of us) were 'obsessed' with what everyone looked like and how old we were and all that stuff. But, we had an image of her and that was enough.

Now, when we talk inside, we do see others. We didn't at first, but now we do. Except Rebecca. She's still just a disembodied voice inside. Not even a voice - just the thought-words. She can and does front, rarely, in emergencies, but does not like it and does not like all the 'messy biological stuff' that bodies do. :?

Her one pleasure is tea - but 99% of the time she enjoys it vicariously through the rest of us. We drink it and taste it and experience it, and she experiences it through the rest of us.

All that stuff suddenly snaps together with what Gang and birdsong were talking about, making me wonder now if Rebecca is actually noncorporeal...

----

In other news this morning, I spoke with Trina about our finances again. Had to wake her up first, which I hate to do but it was necessary. (And unlike talking with Rebecca, with Trina I could clearly see her sleeping and clearly see her waking up etc.)

A few weeks ago Trina made up a 'corporate structure' for our system, with me as CEO.

I thought it was cute and kind of funny at the time, but then we realized it was a positive thing as it meant Trina was sort of interpreting our system in a way that was meaningful to her -- which we took to mean, she was getting past her denial and resistance to the rest of us.

What I realized this morning was, with me as 'CEO' and her as 'CFO' it means she does not have to answer to anyone else in our system - only me. :? Eg. V2 is 'only' the marketing & pr rep, she's not even executive level. Viola is CTO so also C-level but 'equal' with Trina, not above her.

I suspect this was intentional. Perhaps some lingering resentment or anger towards the others, whereas I'm quite new and I wasn't around during the actual 'breakdown' when our DID crisis began.

Anyways it's good to know and understand, that we can't expect Trina to respond to V2 or Viola, but she will likely respond to me. I don't like perpetuating that sort of animosity or whatever in our system, but being aware of it we can at least work with it / work around it.

Arin
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby MakersDozn » Tue Apr 09, 2019 9:09 pm

VioletFlux wrote:What I realized this morning was, with me as 'CEO' and her as 'CFO' it means she does not have to answer to anyone else in our system - only me. :? Eg. V2 is 'only' the marketing & pr rep, she's not even executive level. Viola is CTO so also C-level but 'equal' with Trina, not above her.

Arin


Hmmm....just wondering why V2 can't be CMO (Chief Marketing Officer)? It's a thing. We have one where we work, and our CMO is executive level.

Anyway, congrats on the insights about Rebecca.

MDs
Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 57f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Tue Apr 09, 2019 10:46 pm

Thanks MDs!

We've thought about this for 30 or 40 minutes since we first read your post, and we've come to the conclusion that V2 being 'marketing & public relations' rather than CMO was a deliberate choice, for a couple reasons.

First, I think there's still some lingering animosity from Trina towards both V2 and V1, so both of them got 'lower ranked' titles, lol. V1's basicaly 'company nurse' or something like that.

Second, and more important, I think V2 does not want a lot of responsibility. She did what she had to do for many months, but she never wanted to be 'host' or 'main front person'. She wanted, and still wants, to be able to just be a teen. So I don't think V2 feels slighted or unhappy at all, that she didn't get get an executive title.

And I think Viola only got an 'executive' title because she has some computer skills, but she's more the 'lazy teen hacker' type than some sort of formal business-suit tech person.

Arin
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby MakersDozn » Wed Apr 10, 2019 2:37 pm

Thanks, Arin.

Whatever works for you folks. The executive team at work didn't go for our suggestions either. :)

MDs
Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 57f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

Frequent: Charity (25), Mary (23), Laura (17.5), Allegra (17), Cass (17)
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby sleepingwolf » Wed Apr 10, 2019 7:26 pm

I just wanted to add that is was super interesting reading all about all of you, and all in a list too!

I'm very much new to your story, but it sounds like you know a great deal about each other.


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