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A State Of Flux

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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby Menagerie » Tue May 08, 2018 3:02 am

Hi all the Violets,

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. Definitely a time of flux!

Thinking of you all...

M
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby fireheart » Tue May 08, 2018 1:54 pm

Thank you for sharing your process!

Thinking about things and figuring them out can also potentially be quite destabilizing.
I hope you'll feel better soon. :(
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Tue May 08, 2018 2:38 pm

Thanks Menagerie, fireheart.

It's been me here since yesterday morning, no sign of our newcomer or V1 at the moment. I kinda wonder sometimes if this is our system's way of dealing with stuff, is just switch everyone else off and leave me to be here alone, cos I'm the one who's not as uptight or whatever.

Though I don't like being alone too long so I do hope the others turn up and join in soon.

Cheers!

V2
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan (5f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby fireheart » Tue May 08, 2018 2:53 pm

Hi Violet 2,

Yes, that may be your system's way to deal... Especially if they feel like you Would be able to cope/function/deal. Maybe they trust you. That would be really good.

Still, I also relate to not wanting to be alone!
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Sun May 13, 2018 10:59 am

So, what a week last week. I survived but it was something, lol. Slept all day yesterday. I don't know who was here. The handwriting in our journal is different in almost every entry. Our to-do list got all checked off for the day though, so that's all right.

I gotta go to a hospital today to get a CT scan, which will probably be fine but I still hate it. Pretty sure that's why I'm back so soon and not still asleep. One of my 'jobs' is dealing with the whitecoats lol.

Anyways, it looks like our newcomer hasn't posted anything here yet so I'm gonna spill the beans on her.

We don't know when she actually woke up or when she got active, but we first noticed her about 10 days ago. V1 was catching up on our twitter feed and saw an unfamiliar name come up, that turned out to be a new account created by a 'new' part of us. We don't know when she did it but whenever she created her account she also set us to follow her.

She hasn't spoken directly to either V1 or me, and I think she was doing mostly like passive influence, but she might also have taken over completely and we just don't remember. I think she also blends with us, like we've felt 'blendy' a few times over the past couple weeks, and I suspect that's her.

She also updated our computer to the latest OS, then updated our developer tools and our dev credentials, so we assume she wants to get us back into app development or programming.

Finally, she's communicated a bit with our best friend via twitter, and that seems to be the only place she writes. If she's using the journal, she doesn't identify herself.

Back around January or February, a third Violet emerged briefly, got spooked, and went back inside. At one point V1 asked her to pick a different name cos she said two violets were too many. :roll: So this 'new' part did pick a slightly different name, at least on twitter. She named herself after the scientific name of a kind of violet (the flower), so she goes by the first name 'viola', cos that's the genus(?) of violets? Maybe it's the latin word for violet. I dunno.

So she's still a 'third V' or V3 lol, but instead of another violet she's a viola. She probably didn't know there's already a Viola on the boards here. :)

We don't know her age yet. In the winter, we thought she was 12 but it's hard to get a feel for her now. And she still only talks through twitter. She seems to be very computer savvy though, which was something we've been missing since previous host disappeared. So we 're glad for that.

Anyways, that's about it for now. Our T is gone for a month on vacay to get married and that's probably going to start to suck in a week or two when we need her and she's not there. :(

-V2
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan (5f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby fireheart » Tue May 15, 2018 2:55 pm

Ah, so many things going on!

Sorry to hear your T's away... Do you have some sort of plan on how to cope?

How do you feel about noticing Viola? You sound kind when you write about her, which must be somewhat reassuring to her. :)
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Tue May 15, 2018 5:33 pm

Thanks fireheart!

We don't have much of a plan I guess? Turn to our friends if we need extra support, I guess. We've only been seeing our T every other week lately because of money, so really we're only gonna miss one session. It's just, a lot happens in 2 weeks and a lot more will happen in 4 weeks so it'll be a bit crazy I'm sure. :?

Re Viola, for me... it's been curious. I feel like she mostly gets active around me, but that might only be cos I've been more active than V1 lately. Like maybe coincidence.

And it did freak me out a bit a few times, like finding evidence of her doing stuff, when I thought I was fronting. Trying to reconcile my memory of whatever I thought I was doing, with evidence of her doing something very different at that time. :?

Now I'm more just curious, like she's making it a game or something. Why all the secrecy and staying hidden. I have some ideas and suspicions but I'm not allowed to talk about them yet. :roll:

We had a couple interactions on twitter, I guess on Sunday. She seems to like to watch us / observe us, and says she does stuff when I'm distracted or when I'm not looking. She doesn't share much about herself though.

Overall though, I guess I think of her like I do all the rest of us. Part of the 'family', someone I value, and hopefully who'll be a friend, maybe even like a sister. :)

V2
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan (5f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Wed May 16, 2018 11:54 am

After what seems like weeks since our last flashback, I had one start coming on this morning. It felt like Arin; hers start as a powerful fear that begins in the stomach and starts spreading outwards and making us weak all over.

As soon as I recognized what was happening I asked inside, asked Rebecca if it was Arin and if she was in the in-between space. Basically like V1 had learned back in April. Rebecca confirmed, so I asked her to get Melissa to help Arin, and asked her to check if either of them, or if anyone else, had any messages for me, anything they wanted me to know.

A moment later Melissa was there talking to me, to tell me what was wrong. The problem that was upsetting them, was me!

I've been uptight for a week or so about a fairly significant work-related decision, and this week is basically the deadline. So it's been on my mind a lot, and on my nerves a lot. And my worries have been upsetting them.

I feel like such an idiot. :shock:

I've known for ages that their feelings and fears can affect me, and it never once crossed my mind that it works both ways. :oops: :roll:

So I spent a few minutes talking with Melissa, with Arin listening, explaining that the things that I'm worried about don't affect them, it's 'grownup' stuff, and even though I'm worried, nobody is going to hurt us or anything, we're all perfectly safe. Promised we'd watch some cartoons together this afternoon,and in the meantime they could go back inside and play etc.

They were satisfied and the 'flashback' fear faded away.

Gonna re-write this in the front of our journal, in bold and underlines, because those of us out front have to keep having it drilled into our heads lol.

Remember and Respect other parts' Points of View!

V2
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan (5f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); Waste(?); et al.
Body: 49f • Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.Journey ThreadTeam Flux
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby Efragment » Wed May 16, 2018 12:05 pm

Wow, you handled that great!! Well done!
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Fri May 18, 2018 11:42 am

Thanks Efragment! I think V2 was pretty proud of herself, despite feeling like an idiot hehe.

I don't know why but something has come up on my mind this morning, that relates back to our previous host, and our system overall.

This is an inner conversation she shared on her blog, way back in 2009. (The blogpost had some stuff obfuscated, which I've clarified here.)
Stephanie: I’m not going to buy a new cellphone, I don’t need it, it’s too expensive, and I already have plenty. I need coffee whitener, I’ll just pop round the corner to the 7-11.
Inner Voice: You know, they also sell cellphones at the 7-11.
S: Yeah but their cellphones are overpriced and sucky. The cellphones at FutureShop are way better. Wait, shut up! I don’t want a cellphone! I’m going to the A&P, they sell coffee-whitener and they don’t sell cellphones.
IV: [We] could go to the A&P up at the other plaza, there’s a FutureShop up there and they sell cellphones.
S: Wait no, I don’t want an cellphone. Just coffee whitener is all I need.
*** fastforward 10 minutes ***
S: How the hell did I end up at FutureShop? Hmm you know, these really are nice cellphones…

That was just one example of something that happened to her a lot. (And yet she still denied there was anything really 'wrong' with her, never considered she was multiple... but that's another topic lol.)

So, she/we went through a period of obsessively buying cellphones. Not smartphones, nothing fancy. Mainly cheap featurephones. Flip phones, bar phones, that sort of thing. New or used, from stores or online. At one time we literally had a box of them in the closet. Stephanie had no idea why.

Eventually she did force herself to stop buying them, and the obsession switched to SIM cards instead. Sort of a cheaper way to satisfy the same urge. We have a stack of brand new SIM cards from countries and cariers we'll never use or need.

There's also been an on-and-off urge, or the same compulsion really, for two-way radio equipment. We got our radio license ages ago. Last summer was the most recent 'attack' of this. Stephanie started obsessively checking eBay for deals on cheap two-way radios. And spent money last summer on some new gear and antennas. She even went up a ladder to mount new antennas on the house, which she / we have subsequently not used.

She could never really understand why she had these compulsions, why she kept having urges to accumulate cellphones, SIM cards, or two-way radio gear.

I look at this though, and what I saw immediately was a desperate need for communication.

Someone inside, or multiple someones inside, were desperate to communicate with her. :cry: And Stephanie interpreted (or misinterpreted) those needs, and ended up with a bunch of stuff that she never really had a use for.

Like, she knew at some level she needed to communicate to someone, but had no idea who, or how to go about it. :cry:

It makes me feel sad for her, for our whole system. :cry:

But on the bright side, we're doing a lot better now, we're aware of our collective existance, and even if we're not always able to communicate easily or effectively with each other, we are at least trying.

-Violet (1)
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan (5f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); Waste(?); et al.
Body: 49f • Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.Journey ThreadTeam Flux
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