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A State Of Flux

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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Wed Apr 18, 2018 3:36 pm

We've been doing some more spelunking into old topics on the forum here, chasing threads that touch on the topic of when the long-term host or 'main person' changes. Found two more that caught our attention:
dissociative-identity/topic134502.html
dissociative-identity/topic167111.html

Some of the stuff we learned in those threads helped us to decypher some questions we've had about our previous host, Stephanie. V2 had mentioned that it's been hinted there was 'more than one' of them, when she was doing intros a little while ago:
VioletFlux wrote:Recently, it's been suggested to us that there was 'more than one Stephanie'. I don't know if that means different versions of her existed concurrently (eg. an emotional side and a stoic side), or if they were linear, eg. the Stephanie of the 1990s (the one who replaced the first host) may not have been the same as the Stephanie who was here in the 2010's who had the breakdown.

Between what we've learned through reading (here, books, other DID-resource sites), reviewing our journals and blog, what we've been able to remember, and through questioning Rebecca for clarification / confirmation, I think we've pieced together a little more information.

The 'first' Stephanie took over as host at around age 18, and is probably why she always felt she was 18 inside. She was good at her job, but generally bad at being an 'adult' in a lot of other ways, especially with money. She could make money but she could spend it even faster.

Around age 32, things in our life changed and we had a desperate need for someone to act like an adult -- mostly with money. It wasn't 'traumatic' but it was frightening for her, she knew she was in trouble. Then *poof* suddenly she had a 'grownup 32yo side' who could manage money, make & balance a budget, who got a thrill from paying bills on time and paying her taxes, etc etc.

It was a big enough deal at the time, and in years since, that our best friend even remembers when it happened. Like suddenly Stephanie could adult better than her parents, manage money like a champ, and generally was the responsible one who'd step up and do whatever #######5 job needed to be done.

But there was also still the carefree relaxed impulsive 'side' of her. The 18yo Stephanie who'd sneak out of work and go to DQ for 'business icecream', or just take a week off work to watch Netflix, or do whatever other crazy thing she wanted to do at the time.

What we don't know right now, is which Stephanie has accepted the situation, said goodbye in January, and gone off to retirement in the inner world. And which Stephanie is still in denial and freaking out about everything.

We also don't know if they were co-hosts like V2 and myself, or one was host and the other just active when needed. We do know that neither of them knew about DID.

Anyways, this is probably not that interesting to most others, but it's a new facet to trying to understand ourselves and how our system works.

-Violet (1)

And she glossed over the best part! :roll: Our four R's of enlightenment!

Research (or read) the forum, books, and other DID resource sites.
Review our journals and Stephanie's blog.
Remember as best we can, details of our life.
And then, ask Rebecca for confirmation or clarification.

:D

-V2
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan (5f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby Menagerie » Thu Apr 19, 2018 3:37 am

That's a lot of great info to have V1 and V2! You guys are really working hard at making sense of things, and seems like you're uncovering a lot. We can really relate because after reading this, and other parts of your story, I talked to my T today about the fact that I think we have had a number of main people over the years - but there doesn't seem to be any constant one.

Before I was diagnosed with DID, I remember always just thinking how weird it was that we could keep constantly reinventing ourselves. Like when the body was 17 we had a full-blown eating disorder. Then one day it went away. Overnight, and we became somebody different. This happened over and over again where even musical tastes were directly opposite and just...changed...but now I see there was a whole cluster of changes at the same time, so we were really switching front people. We also switched our name several times in childhood and in adulthood (usually a version of our birth name, but once not - it didn't stick though because nobody in our lives would call us the new name). One of us was married for a stretch of time, but seems gone now - who knows where she is after the divorce.

I only came to the front a few months ago, and the previous main person was only in the front about 2 years following a trauma.

So I think this is our situation too. And it is nice to not feel alone! The second thread you linked to, the one started by BeccaBee is super helpful and I'm reading it going "yes! yes!" ha. Because I definitely don't relate to people who have had one main/front person their entire lives but various alters.

Also recently the T asked one of my inside littles about [birthname] and she answered "which one?" which was a clue as well.

Love your 4 R's! Wish I had a Rebecca :)
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Fri Apr 20, 2018 6:45 pm

Menagerie wrote:Before I was diagnosed with DID, I remember always just thinking how weird it was that we could keep constantly reinventing ourselves. Like when the body was 17 we had a full-blown eating disorder. Then one day it went away. Overnight, and we became somebody different. This happened over and over again where even musical tastes were directly opposite and just...changed...but now I see there was a whole cluster of changes at the same time, so we were really switching front people. We also switched our name several times in childhood and in adulthood (usually a version of our birth name, but once not - it didn't stick though because nobody in our lives would call us the new name). One of us was married for a stretch of time, but seems gone now - who knows where she is after the divorce.

Our memory of stuff before the 'big breakdown' last year is really sketchy. Like someone said in those other threads, it's more like factual stuff we know rather than personal memories. Or like remembering events from a book or a tv show. There's no emotional connection, but more than that, it's most of the details are gone or well hidden.

So mostly we're just piecing things together and now and then we'll hit something and be like woah, that happened, and it's wierd... lol. So like the thing with the 'two Stephanies', we don't know if there was just two, or if there were more. I'm pretty sure they didn't know about each other. Like, they didn't know they were separate. Just, the 18yo thought she could act mature / responsible / good with money when she had to, and the 32yo was probably confused as to why she was sometimes completely irresponsible and careless with money? I think it's kinda funny at times, TBH.

Menagerie wrote:So I think this is our situation too. And it is nice to not feel alone! The second thread you linked to, the one started by BeccaBee is super helpful and I'm reading it going "yes! yes!" ha. Because I definitely don't relate to people who have had one main/front person their entire lives but various alters.

It really is. I know V1, especially at first, some of her doubts were fuelled by not really finding any examples that matched her / our experience. I know everyone is different and everyone's DID is unique but there's still a desire to find that shared experience. And in some ways it's sort of a relief to find it. Though it does sorta suck and you don't want other people to go through the same sort of upsetting situation.

Menagerie wrote:Also recently the T asked one of my inside littles about [birthname] and she answered "which one?" which was a clue as well.

That's a heck of a good clue! I wish our insiders would come out more and talk more, to us and to our T. Though maybe that's a pandora's box... we want to learn more and get to know them, but we don't want to get even more unstable than we are now.

V1 is under some extra stress at the moment, mostly money woes, and she's feeling 'extra broken'. I get why she's stressed, but instead of just like shutting down and feeling sorry for herself, we should do something about it. That's what I'm doing at least. Trying to solve the problem instead of just going into a panic spiral about it.

Menagerie wrote:Love your 4 R's! Wish I had a Rebecca :)

I'd try and rent her out but she wouldn't be much help to any systems outside our own lol. You might have someone though who has a similar job? Internal helper or observer or gatekeeper? If you do, I hope yours is less cryptic. :wink:

-V2
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan (5f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Sat Apr 21, 2018 6:11 pm

We recently figured out that previous host stopped blogging around the same time she got on twitter. So most of the sort of thing she used to blog about ended up as tweets instead of blog posts.

So, I downloaded our twitter archive yesterday and spent a few hours going through it. Fortunately she was never too prolific, so it didn't take too long to gloss through it.

I did find a bunch more stuff that points to her slowly falling apart till the final breakdown late last year. And a lot of repetition, that I don't know if she was even aware of. And some mentions of what we now know are flashbacks. And lots of mentions about memory loss. Even some 'coming-to' moments, and a mention of time-loss.

And it looks like the disruptions to her identity / sense of self that she was able to notice, went back further than we knew. We thought it started in early 2016 but it's looking like summer 2015 now. That makes sense though, it's when V1 was really becoming more active and starting to influence Stephanie towards improving our health.

-V2
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan (5f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Thu Apr 26, 2018 10:06 am

I think it's time for us to try learning some new and healthy coping skills, for when things get too stressed or overwhelming.

Previous host had basically two stress-relief systems she was aware of, and one she wasn't: Booze, self-harm, and dissociation.

*** Trigger warning self harm ***

When things got overwhelming, too much stress or too much emotion, her first choice was to turn to alcohol. Wine usually, and that usually washed down 'unhealthy' food like cheese, crackers, or even junkfood like chips or cheezy popcorn etc. And that's all basically just a slower form of self-harm. Damaging the liver, heart, and putting on weight. Self harm without obvious scars or bruising.

Sometimes though she'd just go more direct and self harm that way. She was usually really careful though to not have obvious scars. Not always though.

*** end trigger warning ***

We don't do either of these things now. We don't drink at all, and we don't self harm. That just leaves the last one, and while Stephanie didn't know about it, we do, and we use it.

Like, V2 and I swap for each other when we get too stressed. Or pre-emptively if we know something stressful is coming that the other can handle. And she has fewer triggers or less anxiety or whatever, so she ends up doing more or having to deal with stuff more, while I spend more time hiding / blacked out.

Or if we just need to not think about stuff for a few hours, we'll put some cartoons on netflix and turn things over to littles for a while, and just 'disappear' so the problems go away for a while.

Or just, I don't know how it works, but just package the problem up and 'file it away' so it's gone. We forget about it, till something happens and it pops up again.

Anyways, all of these are basically strategies to just avoid the problem. None of them are solutions, none of them address whatever the issue is, they just make it go away temporarily. Avoidance strategies rather than coping strategies. I want to learn to cope rather than to avoid.

Will talk with our T about it I think.

-Violet (1)
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan (5f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Sun May 06, 2018 10:48 pm

This past week has been difficult but I don't know why. I can't think of (or remember) anything in particular that's been overly stressful or upsetting. I've just been feeling really lost, empty, directionless. Not sure who I am, what I want, what I'm doing.

This evening it's feeling even more so. Like it's just all too much. I feel like giving up, like quitting. I feel like crying. I feel like just laying down on the ground and ending. I'm not going to do any of these things but it's how I feel.

Except i don't even know if these feelings are mine. Maybe they're coming from someone else. Maybe a few someone elses.

Things seem to be all shaken up lately too. Like we had a sort of routine, a sort of semi-stable thing, with V1 and V2 sharing a lot of responsibilities and stuff. The past few days we don't know who we are, not sure who's out. A third 'V' has become active and maybe that's disrupted things.

I don't know if that make ssense? Like we had sort of settled into a routine or whatever, now someone else has jumped in and everything's gotten all shaken up and chaotic. The third 'V' had only come out briefly twice before, in the winter. Now she's suddenly active and doing stuff, either influencing us or out doing things by herself.

And the part I hate most is I'm back to 'feeling crazy' again. Not quite into denial mode, but more like, the things I thought I knew about ourselves, I can't rely on now. I have to start relearning, and meanwhile I'm doing stuff and not aware of it, or finding out afterwards. We haven't been journaling as much as we should, like we're just forgetting to even open it up and write.

One step forward, three steps back. Back to feeling overwhelmed and unable to trust myself and out of control.

Sorry for all the whining and self pity. I'm probably overtired too.
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan (5f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby IainEtc » Mon May 07, 2018 9:46 am

Hi,

Hang in there. You're really good at this so I know you'll figure it out.

I bet the new V fronting is really confusing. Got to be a reason though. Maybe something changed around you somewhere. It's pretty normal for us to feel really crazy when somebody new is around. And when they push up front it gets worse. Maybe try calming the whole system down for a while?

Take care,

Iain
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Mon May 07, 2018 10:04 am

Thanks Iain. We're trying to take things a bit slower & easier this week, but there's a lot of outside demands going on so it's still kinda busy. :|

I'm pretty sure I know who this 'new' V is, and the ironic thing is older Violet has been sort of hoping she'd join us for a while. Now that it seems to be happening, things are all messed up and she's freaking out a bit. :roll:

I just saw a comment birdsong made on another thread about progress and stability being opposite ends of a see-saw and that's a prefect mental image for this I think.

We'll try and keep things calm and just see how it plays out.

-V2
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan (5f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby IainEtc » Mon May 07, 2018 10:19 am

Hi V, (we're online at the same time. That's cool!)

Yeah. Really liked the seesaw thing that birdsong said. We totally get it. There's like too much and too little and sometimes we get it balanced just right. But then something happens and we seesaw again. Do you know why the extra V showed up?

Good luck,

Iain
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Re: A State Of Flux

Postby VioletFlux » Mon May 07, 2018 11:16 am

Hi Iain,

I don't know why she's here 'now' as such. She briefly emerged a couple of times in the winter, like unexpectedly popped out, freaked out a bit, then vanished again.

It may just be that she's ready to join us? If she's been quiet inside, watching or whatever, maybe she just figured it's time for her to join the 'outside team'.

She seems to know her way around computers so maybe she'll start posting on here. Our first hint that she was active was we discovered she'd set up her own twitter account and started using it lol.

-V2
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan (5f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); Waste(?); et al.
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