A State Of Flux

We had our last therapy session today. Leading up to it, we had a lot of stress and unease. We went for a little walk beforehand and spent a brief time in a park to try and get collected.

Melissa was upset, she let me give her a hug then she went inside to stay hidden. I'm not 100% sure what was bothering her most - like is she gonna miss our T, or was she upset because of all the stress we were feeling, or was it something else. Anyways it was clear to me she wasn't going to be around for the session.

There were four of us sort of all coconsious. Me, Mike, Rebecca, and Viola. It was wierd. Really wierd. Like I don't know if we were blended, or just all sort of acting like a team. We weren't merged or whatever, like we still had all our separate thoughts, but collectively we had Rebecca's outward calmness and levelheadedness, Mike's sense of purpose and resolve, and then me and Viola were just sort of there to do the actual walking and talking while drawing on the other two.

We told our T why we wanted to stop, that we felt she was too unreliable etc. She sort of accepted it and understood, but she also gave us a lengthy "this is not an excuse but" kind of excuse. But mostly she did accept it.

Then we started talking about something else and the way she was responding got to Mike and he took over fully. And she did recognize the shift and recognized him, which he appreciated. So he talked with her for a bit, but then it got a little... I dunno. Wierd?

Basically she wanted to say goodbye to each of us, in person? Mike told her the concept was lost on Rebecca so she wasn't gonna take over just to say goodbye. And he told her that Melissa wasn't coming out, that she was hiding inside. He did turn things over to me, so I could talk with the T just as myself for a bit.

And I got a bit emotional. She asked if I agreed with all the stuff MIke had said and if I agreed with the decision to quit and all. Like, sort of asking if I'd be willing to keep seeing her if she promised to change and do things differently.

Then, she tried to get Melissa to come out through me and this was not cool and ended up having Mike take over again. Like, she sort of tried to coax or lure Melissa out to say goodbye. She said, she wanted to make sure Melissa knew that she wasn't being abandoned or neglected or whatever, but still, she'd been told twice that Melissa wasn't going to come out and yet she was still trying.

So Mike took over again and basically told her that was not cool. And he didn't want me to take over again cos I was so emotional, so Viola ended up taking over in the end. And by now we were all getting a bit irritated at all this. Like, that was what, 4 switches or whatever in the one session. And after a brief talk with viola she wanted me to come out again?! Viola told her no, that it was tiring and we weren't gonna do it any more.

I don't even know what to say about all that. It felt really wrong but I feel like I let her yank us arround cos of my emotions being all jumbled up. Like, if I wasn't so stressed and upset I should have been able to tell her to quit it when she was trying to get at Melissa, and then Mike wouldn't have had to come out, and then he wouldn't have had to hand it over to Viola, etc etc.

Anyways it's done and over now. We asked her for a copy of our file but she was really reluctant about that, said it could be triggering or harmful for us to see some of it. Mike expected she'd say someting like that but we ended up agreeing to a summary version first, so we'll go and pick it up when it's ready. She knows that if we decide the summary isn't enough and we want the full thing, that we have a legal right to it and she can't refuse.

So that's that. We're now without a T, until we can find a new one.

And now we are ####ing exhausted and gonna go to bed early.

Violet

I'm glad it was your last appointment because I agree with Mike about her but I'm sorry you don't have a T now I hope it doesn't make the loneliness worse or come back because I'm not sure if it got better from the other day when you were saying about it.

It doesn't sound like you could have done any better. That's a tough situation, and it sounds like you all had each other's back and worked as a team despite all the extra stress she was putting on you.

This is from NoName: I mean, WTF!! It's the SYSTEM that is saying goodbye to her--you-all get to handle it whatever way you want with WHOEVER the f*ck you want being present. She doesn't get to say goodbye the way SHE wants to!! I don't think you let her yank you around--Mike stepped in and put a stop to it. Sounds like he did a good job.

Thanks Nyx, Gang.

I found it really hard to say goodbye and let go. She's been nice, which makes it really hard for me to think of her as 'bad'. Even when knowing at an intellectual level that she's done a lot of stuff that hasn't been good. Maybe I'm just naive about stuff like that.

We'll try not to let this feed into my loneliness problem. I don't think it will? I think it's separate enough from that. But who knows.

Violet

Hey NoName. Yeah there's a reason we went in there with all four of us in a tight team. That was working ok till I got fed up with her waffling over stuff.

I ######6 hate that - like when we ask a simple direct question, just ######6 give us a simple direct answer. When you start waffling and dancing around the topic, it just screams LIAR! How's anyone supposed to trust a T who can't give an honest answer?

Like, right up front back in January she said she didn't know much about DID but said she'd do her homework and research. So I asked her directly, what homework and research has she done over the past 9 months? She danced around that. Best she could come up with was they had staff meetings at this place where they discuss their different patients, and the example she had was from our last session in August. What the ###$?

That just confirms what I've been saying all along - she did zero homework and zero research.

Glad we're done wasting time and money on her. We can handle this better on our own.

Mike

TheGangsAllHere wrote:This is from NoName: I mean, WTF!! It's the SYSTEM that is saying goodbye to her--you-all get to handle it whatever way you want with WHOEVER the f*ck you want being present. She doesn't get to say goodbye the way SHE wants to!! I don't think you let her yank you around--Mike stepped in and put a stop to it. Sounds like he did a good job.

This. Times 47,000.

We're glad you took care of this in a way that was right for you, VioletFlux folks.

MDs

I'm feeling wordy this morning, so gonna do a little role-call of all the parts of us we know / are aware of. Going with alphabetical order cos it seems most fair.

Anger : emotional fragment, no age or gender. Just the embodiment of rage. When Anger takes over, we get loud, stompy, smash things, break things. When Anger leaves, we feel shocked and embarassed at our actions. We're kinda afraid of this, so Anger is never, ever let out in public. Only at home in private.

Arin : 6yo girl, shy, quiet. She holds some of our childhood trauma, primarily the emotion of fear from those experiences. Tho she's gradually learning things are different nowadays and she doesn't need to be afraid of those things any more.

Charlie : 6yo boy, tho he can age-slide to 12 or 24. Protector. His 'job' is to protect the littles, to keep them inside where they are safe. He also tries to take pain for the system. Like if we are suddenly injured or whatever. Acute pain. Not chronic stuff. He used to be a bully towards all of us, as that is what he learned originally - he was bullied and became one himself to protect the rest of us. Now he's learning to communicate without threats / violence, and learning that he doesn't need to be that bully any more.

Claire : Our earliest / youngest known part. She slides between an infant and 20yo. She holds our earliest trauma(s), from foster care. She is quiet, usually non-verbal, and communicates with images and emotions. She carries depression, despair, sadness. Other parts avoid her because her sadness is overwhelming. She's currently lost/trapped in a dark place.

Ewan : He used to be a 4yo boy, trapped in darkness with Claire. He carried sadness and abandonment, and desperately wanted/needed a mommy. Recently he was 'rescued' by L----, who somehow turned him into a cat and now he is loved and cared-for by Arin, Janet, and Melissa.

Janet : We don't know too much about her, but she might have been our original host, up until age four. She might be 4yo or maybe as old as 12, it's hard to get much from her as she's been in hiding for a very long time so keeping hidden has become her default state.

L---- : Another enigmatic part, possibly 'ageless' but she appears as a 14yo girl, cloaked in vines and leaves and other green living things. Loves nature, even the dirty creepy parts of it. Magical, spiritual, powerful, brave. She knows her way around the Inside and can change things. Similar to Rebecca in some ways, but where Rebecca is a 'watcher', L---- is a 'doer'.

Maddie : Another emotional fragment. We see her as a middle-aged woman but I believe she's really ageless and genderless like Anger. She might actually be a twin of Anger. Where Anger's wrath is directed outwards, Maddie's is directed inwards. When we can't or won't lash out, she directs inwards to self-harm or self-medicate.

Melissa : 7yo girl, our most active little and the first one we encountered. She's been active at least since the 1990's. She experienced trauma when we were in gradeschool but has moved past that on her own. She is 2nd most active outside of all of us nowadays, enjoying cartoons and sometimes drawing and other activities. She's quite clever and full of surprises, as she knows her way around the system due to being active for so long.

Mike : 35yo man, outside protector. Where Charlie protects by keeping littles inside, Mike protects by keeping an eye out for outside threats and danger. He also enjoys watching NHL, F1 racing, and British Premier League football (soccer).

Rebecca : Ageless and emotionless, she is sometimes our internal helper and possibly a gatekeeper to the Inside. She resides in the 'in-between', the void between the Outside and Inside worlds. From there she watches 'everything' and knows a great deal about the system, tho she tends to be very vague and avoids direct answers etc.

Steph-2 : 32yo woman. Not our previous-host, but worked closely with her. She is our responsible mature part, good with money, who stepped up and did what needed to be done. Currently she's carrying a lot of doubt and denial about our DID, she is upset at how things have been shaken up, upset at the loss of Stephanie.

Viola : 17yo 'catgirl', our newest part. We believe she was 'reincarnated' or evolved from our previous host, Stephanie. She has memories of that process, memories of being Stephanie at the end and then emerging 6 months later renewed and different. She is 3rd most active of us right now, but refuses to take any 'host' responcibilities. She carries a lot of anger and resentment towards our family, for how they took advantage of Stephanie over and over.

Violet (1) : Aka older Violet, aka V1. 22yo she was originally an insider focused on fitness / health / diet stuff. Then when Stephanie went away she became the new host. She had a lot of anxiety issues and had trouble coping with things. Now she's gone missing. Maybe hiding, maybe back inside to focus on the health stuff again. Or maybe she's just gone. I dunno any more.

Violet (2) : Aka teen Violet aka V2. 16yo, our most active front-person nowadays. Enjoys socializing, listening to music, hanging out with friends. Wants us to look good, with nice clothes and jewelry etc. Currently stuck with the responsibilities of our job and daily life stuff too.

W??? : We don't know anything about this part other than that they exist, and that they are currently trapped in the darkness with Claire. Odds are they're carrying a lot of sadness and despair from some early trauma, like Claire is and Ewan was.

So that's everyone we currently know if in our system. There's two others who we know used to exist but are now gone. Evolved, changed, reincarnated, or whatever. Their 'essense' remains with us but not in the form they used to be.

P--- : We don't talk about this one much at all. Host after Janet and before Stephanie. Troubled, nihilist, unpleasant. We believe after Stephanie took over, they eventually disappeared and re-emerged as Mike.

Stephanie : Host, from around age 18 till she burned out / broke down last year. Suffered on and off from depression. Massive denial about our DID symptoms. When she couldn't go on any more & V1 took over, Stephanie let herself fade away to oblivion. Seems to have returned as Viola.

So, that's all we know / all we've figured out, in the 11 months since this all blew up on us. There may be more, and there's still lots more work to do with the ones we know.

Currently me (Violet 2) and Melissa and Viola are the most active outside. Like, 70% me, 20% Melissa, 10% Viola. Two teens and a kid, trying to keep going under the guise of a 48yo woman, trying to do her work and stuff, while also dealing with all the DID stuff, all the insiders and everything else.

Last couple months it's been loads of progress with DID, and loads of not-doing-well with regular life stuff.

Violet

Violet,

Great to learn more about you folks. You might want to go to the Roll Call thread and create a link there to your post here.

MDs

Thanks MDs, will do that. I don't know if we've ever seen that thread before.

Viola

Wasn't sure where to put this, but our journey thread seems as good as any.

Not having a good day today, mostly cos of the lack of sleep last night I think. But the thread about decisions making you sad has got me thinking, and got me feeling sad.

It's only been like, 10 months or so, since I first surfaced. In that time, we've been dealing with our DID crisis, ongoing fallout from that, uncovering our other parts, etc etc. And at the same time, we've been trying to maintain our regular life stuff - work, home, excercise, diet, etc etc.

So, lots going on. No time to really stop and take stock of things. But that thread got me thinking. First, I was trying to figure out what dreams I even had, for the future. Hadn't really done that in the past 10 months or so. Back in the 80s / 90s I never fronted and never knew much outside my own interests in music. We did have some dreams back then, dunno if they were mine or someone elses. Either way tho, 30 years later those dreams were never realized.

What I realize now though, is it doesn't matter. Best case scenario, this life is already like 2/3 gone. Maybe got another 20, 25 years in it, if we're lucky. Meanwhile we're basically trapped, stuck with all the big life-choices that Stephanie made. All her decisions. All the responsibilities and obligations she took on.

So.

It suddenly hits me. I'm stuck in a life I wouldn't have chosen, stuck with someone else's life, all their debts and obligations, all their responsibilities. This isn't mine, but I'm stuck with it. And there isn't time for me to like, work our way out of all their obligations, so I can finally start building my own dreams. Like, we're just not gonna life long enough. Even if we did, by the time I got to do something I wanted we'd be too old anyways.

I feel hopeless. Like, literally. I don't get to have dreams. I don't get to have a future for myself. I don't get to make plans and do things and build a life I want. All I get time for is to wrap up the $#%^ that Stephanie set up, run out the clock struggling to keep her life going, meet her obligations and do her responsibilities. All I get to do is the window dressing - while I'm doing her stuff I can listen to my music and wear clothes I like.

It really does feel hopeless. Why bother? What's the point?

I think maybe this is how Melissa felt when she realized she'd never be able to do things she wanted - make friends her age, play with other kids, go to school, that stuff.

It's gone. It's too late. Those chances came and went decades ago. Now we're just stuck with... this.

And it isn't enough.

Sorry for being such a downer.

Violet

i'm sorry things feel so bad right now. you're not a downer, this kind of thing is really difficult and getting those feelings out somewhere is important.

so much of coping with trauma and mental health stuff is living day by day just to get through it. you never really stop and think about what you want or where you'd like things to go because there's always something to escape or avoid or deal with that takes priority over everything else. it really sucks because no matter how much you want to find worth in that, it just sucks. it is wasted time. it isn't character building, it just plain sucks.

it's even harder when you're living with someone else's life choices. i look back at the decisions we made years ago and wonder "why the ###$ did we even want to do that?!" and having to live with those consequences really sucks.

sometimes you have to mourn the time you've lost and be allowed to do that. it never helps me much when people try and tell me to find worth in things like this, or tell me there's nothing stopping me from achieving my dreams/goals (because there's a lot stopping me), so i won't do that to you either. it's okay to feel sad and depressed about it, it's okay to mourn lost time and wasted opportunities. we've been put in situations we shouldn't have done and lost things we shouldn't have lost, and it's okay for that to hurt.

idk i'm pretty down today as well so maybe this is more depressing than helpful i just wanted you to know that i can relate and that it's okay to feel down about stuff like this. i hope you feel better soon.

- alice