We had our last therapy session today. Leading up to it, we had a lot of stress and unease. We went for a little walk beforehand and spent a brief time in a park to try and get collected.
Melissa was upset, she let me give her a hug then she went inside to stay hidden. I'm not 100% sure what was bothering her most - like is she gonna miss our T, or was she upset because of all the stress we were feeling, or was it something else. Anyways it was clear to me she wasn't going to be around for the session.
There were four of us sort of all coconsious. Me, Mike, Rebecca, and Viola. It was wierd. Really wierd. Like I don't know if we were blended, or just all sort of acting like a team. We weren't merged or whatever, like we still had all our separate thoughts, but collectively we had Rebecca's outward calmness and levelheadedness, Mike's sense of purpose and resolve, and then me and Viola were just sort of there to do the actual walking and talking while drawing on the other two.
We told our T why we wanted to stop, that we felt she was too unreliable etc. She sort of accepted it and understood, but she also gave us a lengthy "this is not an excuse but" kind of excuse. But mostly she did accept it.
Then we started talking about something else and the way she was responding got to Mike and he took over fully. And she did recognize the shift and recognized him, which he appreciated. So he talked with her for a bit, but then it got a little... I dunno. Wierd?
Basically she wanted to say goodbye to each of us, in person? Mike told her the concept was lost on Rebecca so she wasn't gonna take over just to say goodbye. And he told her that Melissa wasn't coming out, that she was hiding inside. He did turn things over to me, so I could talk with the T just as myself for a bit.
And I got a bit emotional. She asked if I agreed with all the stuff MIke had said and if I agreed with the decision to quit and all. Like, sort of asking if I'd be willing to keep seeing her if she promised to change and do things differently.
Then, she tried to get Melissa to come out through me and this was not cool and ended up having Mike take over again. Like, she sort of tried to coax or lure Melissa out to say goodbye. She said, she wanted to make sure Melissa knew that she wasn't being abandoned or neglected or whatever, but still, she'd been told twice that Melissa wasn't going to come out and yet she was still trying.
So Mike took over again and basically told her that was not cool. And he didn't want me to take over again cos I was so emotional, so Viola ended up taking over in the end. And by now we were all getting a bit irritated at all this. Like, that was what, 4 switches or whatever in the one session. And after a brief talk with viola she wanted me to come out again?! Viola told her no, that it was tiring and we weren't gonna do it any more.
I don't even know what to say about all that. It felt really wrong but I feel like I let her yank us arround cos of my emotions being all jumbled up. Like, if I wasn't so stressed and upset I should have been able to tell her to quit it when she was trying to get at Melissa, and then Mike wouldn't have had to come out, and then he wouldn't have had to hand it over to Viola, etc etc.
Anyways it's done and over now. We asked her for a copy of our file but she was really reluctant about that, said it could be triggering or harmful for us to see some of it. Mike expected she'd say someting like that but we ended up agreeing to a summary version first, so we'll go and pick it up when it's ready. She knows that if we decide the summary isn't enough and we want the full thing, that we have a legal right to it and she can't refuse.
So that's that. We're now without a T, until we can find a new one.
And now we are ####ing exhausted and gonna go to bed early.
Violet