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Now it hurts (mom issues)

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Now it hurts (mom issues)

Postby myce » Wed Mar 14, 2018 1:20 am

I'm OSDD and feeling switchy but not distinctly so. They all claim they are me but I feel different and different. My mom did something that really hurt my feelings 20 years ago but I didn't care at the time. I never forgot about it but it didn't seem like a big deal. How to tell this story? What emotion would be normal to feel under the circumstances?

My mom kicked me out of the house when I was a young woman. I thought she was cleaning house and throwing out her kids and I thought that was funny. Mom later invited me to come back but I didn't want to.

She told me I could always live with her as long as I was working or in school. I was working and in school and she kicked me out and moved away because of husband #3. I was in the shower and he was trying to get ready for work and he opened the bathroom door and I screamed at him to get out. That's why he kicked me out. Mom didn't hesitate to back him up.

He kept accidentally touching my butt. I never said anything. It made me uncomfortable and that's why she (Shield) screamed at him. We didn't know we were multiple then but it was Shield who screamed at him. That's what she does.

Is it normal for moms to kick their children out? I was grown up and it's time to get out. Right? No that's not quite right. I don't think so.

Another me said that mom always let her men scream at me and smack me and molest me and kick me out. (Both stepdads made me leave my mother's home.) They say mom served her men so they would provide her with a comfortable life. I don't know if it is "molestation" for man to repeatedly accidentally touch his adult stepdaughter. I can't decide whether mom's wonderful husband is a scumbag or not. I never thought so before but now I think he might be.

Mom doesn't know a lot of what happened, but she didn't care. She was dissociated. I tried to tell her when I was ten but she just wanted to talk about the nice house that husband #2 provided for us. Husband #2 was undoubtedly a scumbag. He made my alter Shield (aka Sentinel). I always hated it that mom is a happy person. It is pathological positivity. Her parents mistreated her and that's why she is the way she is. But parts of me hate her nevertheless. I have told her a little bit about my pain and she is sorry for the past. That does not satisfy my tormented alter selves.
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Re: Now it hurts (mom issues)

Postby Johnny-Jack » Wed Mar 14, 2018 4:12 am

Your mom sounds not only dissociative but quite possibly multiple. A truly positive, upbeat person does not ignore the pain of others, especially her own offspring. I think you may know this but you are likely to never get a true and full apology from your mother. Listen to your alters. Your mother uses a front, overall she's not a very nice person and she's certainly wasn't a good mother.

No, it's not normal at all for parents to throw their kids out. It's abnormal. Most parents love their kids unconditionally and will negotiate changes with that child once they become a young adult. It's normal for the vast population of humans to protect and favor their children over all others.
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Re: Now it hurts (mom issues)

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Mar 14, 2018 4:53 am

myce wrote:I don't know if it is "molestation" for man to repeatedly accidentally touch his adult stepdaughter. I can't decide whether mom's wonderful husband is a scumbag or not. I never thought so before but now I think he might be.


Yes. It is. Nobody repeatedly touches someone like that accidentally.
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Re: Now it hurts (mom issues)

Postby myce » Fri Mar 16, 2018 12:39 am

I want to tell her and I want to forget it. How would I tell my mother why she kicked me out? What words would I use? For what purpose? It was long ago. Johnny-Jack you are correct that my mom has some degree of multiplicity. She wasn't traumatized in the usual sense, but raised in a cold authoritarian home. She has no diagnosable condition because the front is very dominant and stable. She tried to do better than her parents and she did in some respects, being warmer and less harsh. But the attachment need overrode the motherly instinct with sorrowful consequences to me.
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Re: Now it hurts (mom issues)

Postby myce » Fri Jan 11, 2019 2:55 am

This never stops. Layers and layers and they're all on the same $#%^ about mom. I did what Sentinel told me to pay attention and she's happy that she gets to rest and someone else is ruminating in her place but this $#%^ never stops.

This memory wants attention.

***trigger bullying***

It's just a snapshot, and the reason I remember it is because it was extraordinary, something that didn't happen every day. I threatened my sister with a knife, she told her dad, and he threatened me with the knife.

***end trigger***

The only emotion I have attached to it is disgust, I am disgusted by the man-child's childishness. But the memory came up today and it's still all about mom. Mom mom mom mom mom mom incessantly mom mom mom mom mom where were you when your three children were threatening each other with a knife? I barely know my sister because our childhood home was so toxic.

She smacks me for bothering her with my needs. When I'm little it's a physical smack and when I'm big it's a verbal smack. I think that's how she was trained too, she has a Front for her parents too. It's cold and creepy to me but I participate nevertheless. She understands money as love, sends me generous Christmas gifts and wants to buy me a train ticket to come see her. I want to see her but not the man who touched me. I want to not bother her so my daughter can have nice visits with grandma. The night children have different opinions.

I can't say that I remember the traumas that split the Front, like the bullying described above. That's what we're afraid of, because that $#%^ makes us mean as ###$. Mom is cold when she is mean but the man-child-bully is hot when he is mean. (Others remember hot-mean mom but only when young) We don't want that $#%^ around our daughter. I need to live alone to process that. SO we just gonna think about how Mom broke our heart and we still want the FRONT/ANP to try and feel it.
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Re: Now it hurts (mom issues)

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Jan 11, 2019 7:34 am

myce wrote:She smacks me for bothering her with my needs. When I'm little it's a physical smack and when I'm big it's a verbal smack. I think that's how she was trained too, she has a Front for her parents too. It's cold and creepy to me but I participate nevertheless. She understands money as love, sends me generous Christmas gifts and wants to buy me a train ticket to come see her. I want to see her but not the man who touched me. I want to not bother her so my daughter can have nice visits with grandma. The night children have different opinions.


Please don't expose your daughter to this. I'm sorry that she doesn't HAVE a nice grandma and that grandma is married to a child abuser, but wishing it were different isn't going to make it so.
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Re: Now it hurts (mom issues)

Postby myce » Fri Jan 11, 2019 2:17 pm

Thanks Gangs, always appreciate your support. But I was over the age of 18 when the husband got pervy with me (there were 2 stepdads), and I haven't had drama with mom in 20 years. Her benign aspect has some awareness of past mistakes and she hasn't physically slapped me since I was about 5 or 6. It's the memories haunting me and still controlling me, and my inability to express my feelings about her current husband. We're working on building the right protector for the situation.
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Re: Now it hurts (mom issues)

Postby Exploring » Fri Jan 11, 2019 2:43 pm

Johnny-Jack wrote:No, it's not normal at all for parents to throw their kids out. It's abnormal. Most parents love their kids unconditionally and will negotiate changes with that child once they become a young adult. It's normal for the vast population of humans to protect and favor their children over all others.


TheGangsAllHere wrote:
myce wrote:I don't know if it is "molestation" for man to repeatedly accidentally touch his adult stepdaughter. I can't decide whether mom's wonderful husband is a scumbag or not. I never thought so before but now I think he might be.


Yes. It is. Nobody repeatedly touches someone like that accidentally.


^^^^ Both of these things.

I'm really sorry your mum didn't put you first. I hear mums usually do, but ours didn't either. My mum has this happy 'front' too. When we were young, we'd be the only ones to see her temper because she'd put on a happy face for everyone else and cry and rage when the guests were gone. Any memories that involve her slipping up or her boyfriend being harmful she's suppressed. In those situations it was like she disappeared. He would do something and she would stand by removed as if daydreaming, or respond as if nothing inappropriate was happening, as if everything but the thing was registering in her mind. It's not that she purposefully ignored it, I believe it was literally filtered out of her perception. Same thing when she herself did inappropriate things. Complete lack of awareness or denial. Like she turned into someone else too. Until a few years ago she was adamant her childhood was very happy, even though things she mentioned about it clearly weren't.
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