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When your partner has identities that like different people

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When your partner has identities that like different people

Postby mons2b » Thu Mar 08, 2018 1:11 pm


Partly because its good to put into words how I am feeling and partly to help others decide what to do I want to write about my experience.

My now (by her choice in walking out) ex partner has a undiagnosed identity or personality disorder. She hated me discussing this and I dont blame her for not wanting to think about it as it has links to a childhood that is just very sad. She turned out amazing considering and I love her with all my heart regardless of what has happened.

I want to talk about how it hurts so much to see your partner having intercourse with another man while in another state and tonight she even told me in great detail how much of a better lover he is that me and how he made her legs quiver etc etc ... Now if she was just of a single mind this would destroy me, it still hurts more than I can put into words.

Herein lays the complication. While she was telling me this she would stop and mouth desperately into the camera that she loved me over and over. Then she would go back to laughing and saying she was in love with "this man called XYZ" and he was so amazing in the way he touched her etc. Saying I didnt make love to her in this way.

This may surprise you but what hurt the most was that she said "he wants to have a baby with me" , this exactly what I wanted to do with her with the main personality.

This other "thing" as I sometimes call it (sometimes has identified itself as violet but prefers to pretend its just one person to everyone else and denies a word against that when its out) is very strong when my ex partner has alcohol and once said to me privately in a laugh that it likes when she drinks as it gets much more in control.

For this sake of this story I will call her Violet. Violet is very into this other guy and has left me twice for him now. After a certain amount of alchohol she literally will switch to this other person who wants to be with him.

When she is sober she always said she loved me and never wanted to be apart from me. We had some tough hard times where I did things wrong and with her situation it was hard on me sometimes but when you love someone. Really really love someone you dont give up. You stay there and no matter the storm you hold onto them and give them love.

My ex partner asked me to never give up on her and asked me if she ran off after a drink to go after her. I did successfully twice but the third time she ran off a member of the public picked her up and as she was in that Violet mode she asked to be taken to his house.

Another side to this is that in his presense even without alcohol Violet comes to the surface if I am not there. Which is why I believe she doesn't come back, she wants to but shes of literally two minds and the result is she stays there.

Its heart breaking and I cry a lot. Day and night even at work. But I cant explain to people whats really going on. I tell people shes with another guy and they think shes terrible and yes it is but I cant fully condemn someone in this situation. Not even when I have seen them doing things. The one consolation was that when i saw it she was laughing in the drunken way she does after alcohol and in that state shes not the person I love. Not externally. Shes Violet and theres nothing you can do about it. I dont know if she has sex with him when sober and I dont really care as I know that personality pulls her strings when around him. Ive seen it and had someone else who actually noticed it. None the less it hurts like you wouldnt believe and the vivid descrption of his love making powers made me feel sick.

The point I am getting to here in my rabbling story is that in my situation you can give up yes you can just say well good luck to them. But I love the person who she truely is not this other. This said things like "now you are free to do this and that", it wants me to give up because then it wont have to deal with the internal conflict. I wont give it the satisfaction, and I still love my ex partner with all my heart.

This new guy obviously very much enjoys the effect alcohol has on her, he gives her how ever much she wants and gets the immediate result. Well this cant go on forever. Not that I believe anyway.

I really dont know what to do. The first time she left me for him I managed to get her back by pleading at her window and she came back in the dark of night with me. This time I cant do that for a number of reasons not least because hes wise to it now and goes to bed early with her and doesnt leave her alone in teh bedroom where I could talk to her window. Feeds her up on drink then goes at it for hours. Its heart breaking. Many of you would say give up . What price love? I dont know, I made a promise and I gave up on a relationshp before and choose not to do it again.

Sometimes I wonder if its my fault for not getting on with Violet but how could I? It was very self destructive and caused my partner to try to hurt herself so I told it I hated it and wanted it to go away. I dont know how you can reason with a dark personality. Anyway it took a liking to this guy and there she is now.

I live in New Zealand and she is from the USA and is due to go back soon and likely new Mr wonderful will go with her. It makes me sick but what can I do. The last time she drank (just one bottle of wine) the police ended up being involved and because I wrote a little note saying I loved her in the back of her passport I got arrested for wilful damage and spent a night in Jail for it with court to follow. Im actually scared of being convicted. I didnt mean to "damage" it. I was ignorant of the fact that it was a criminal offense.

I sat in that cell surrounded by real criminals and thought here I am. I asked God how is this, what do I do. I always felt he believed in this relationship as many many times something external seemed to help. This actually brought me back my faith that I hadnt really had since I was a child. Now he seems to have hung up the phone. I dont know. Its really hard and it really hurts.

Before the drink consumed on this video call took full effect she said "when does it stop?" and she was meaning the pain of separation from me. She looked very distressed and mouthed over and over that she loved me. Then she went away..

Violet has always been determined to win and it does these calls primarily to upset me and make me give up. I dont know if stubbornly not giving up will save me losing her forever but thats what it wants and i wont give it what it wants. This is the same force that has caused her to burn her arms and try other ways to harm herself.

I dont believe my ex partner would choose to be with him if she was away from him but I cannot get them apart. All I can do is what I am doing which is to let her know I still love her very much and be there. I hope and I pray. All I have is my hope and my prayers.

I love her so so much. Ive been with her in the relationship for 4 years and it is/was a very special relationship closer and far more loving than I have ever known in my life.

Others have said shes no good and this and that. But they dont know or understand her life, I do. I may not be as good a lover as this new guy but I am a thinker and I know I am better than him. Hes got a lot of money and a lot of alcohol.

If any of you are religious please pray for our relationship. Its all I have now. Hope and praying.
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Re: When your partner has identities that like different people

Postby Una+ » Fri Mar 09, 2018 3:06 am

Hi mons2b. Welcome to the DID Forum. It is quite a rash of new SOs (partners etc) we are having today.

So I'm going to pick out what I think is the most important idea among the many ideas in your post, and address that. I hope that's okay.

mons2b wrote:when you love someone. Really really love someone you dont give up. You stay there and no matter the storm you hold onto them and give them love.

On the other hand:

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.

A person with DID is all the parts, together. One part says she loves you and the other part leaves you and torments and mocks you, and who she is really is both of them. There may be still others you have not met. Basically, you have been with The Perfect Girlfriend For You(TM). You loved it and the new guy loves it too. Do you see? She is being exactly the same with both of you; it just looks different because you and the new guy are different. That is a role played by many women with DID. Kind of like The Stepford Wives. Only, we are not Stepford wives. Sooner or later the fake girlfriend alter gets tired and others take over. And usually when they do finally take over they are in a stupendous rage due to being stuffed inside for years, forced to watch the farce you imagined was your perfect life, powerless to intervene.

I don't know what her goal is in mouthing "I love you" while Violet is communicating something else. If she were under duress and wanted help, "Help me" would be a much more useful message. As it stands, the "I love you" could be Violet messing with you.

Someone who is severely dysfunctional due to an untreated mental illness, alcoholic, runs amok, torments her partner, and burns herself is not in any way partner material. She won't ever be a healthy partner for anyone until she decides to get herself treatment, gets clean and sober, and stays that way.

I would suggest you stop engaging with her whenever she starts abusing you. Close the phone, close the application, get up from the computer, walk away. And stop trying to "rescue" her from the ugly consequences of her drinking. She broke up with you. Support her in staying that way even though doing so is very painful to you.

This is likely not the kind of support you were hoping for. I am sorry for that.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.

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Re: When your partner has identities that like different people

Postby mons2b » Fri Mar 09, 2018 5:13 am

It didn't look fake. Her face was tormented. And there are at least 4 other alters. Who are generally on my side but Violet is powerful. When im near Lydia theres apparant torment in her eyes. Yes she has to make her choice. She cant have both.
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