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Treatment options / do you need a specialist T?

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Re: Treatment options / do you need a specialist T?

Postby birdsong87 » Sun Oct 06, 2019 11:40 am

I have been struggling with myself these days, wondering if I could return to a group that I used to go to. but the leader is doing the weird walking on eggshells that you describe with friends. like, he doesn't even know how to greet me when I see him. always treating me like I am made of glass or like every wrong movement will break me somehow.
I think that to stop that stupid behavior I might have to present in a very clear way, offering ways to greet me and being proactive with stuff. the idea is what he needs to see that I am not made of sugar and a grown woman who will confront his walking on eggshells as ridiculous. But I am not sure if it would work. he acts like this ever since he knows about the DID, he didn't do it when he learned about the cPTSD. like he thought he knew how to manage that but now I have become this wild card and you can never know what will happen. I hate to be treated that way. worst that could happen to him is that Asti loses patience and gets a bit frank. he doesn't realize that he is excluding me from connection because ultimately, he is keeping a safe distance and doesn't even try to connect to the real me. he just keeps his ideas and illusions in that place and connects to his own thoughts about me. makes connection impossible, he isn't even seeing me anymore. it is a lonely place.
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Re: Treatment options / do you need a specialist T?

Postby fireheart » Mon Oct 07, 2019 5:43 am

Thanks for sharing. That is exactly what I meant...
And the disconnect is so painful, also because they must have earned some trust before it felt OK to tell them about the struggles.
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Re: Treatment options / do you need a specialist T?

Postby fireheart » Thu Nov 07, 2019 5:12 pm

I will see the body T and start with proper treatment in January. It's hopeful, but I'm trying to contain that hope.

Life has been busy, I've been keeping myself very busy. It's like I see a standard, the "ideal person" and I want to be like that without acceptance of how things actually are. I want to be that person who can do everything, balance many many things, be happy and successful.
Turns out, it's doable. But only while neglecting myself at the same time. Turns out that food and friends and time to think are important, too. Who would have thought? Who would have thought I can't just push myself however much I like without it having consequences? :roll:

I've been tracking my moods and I tend to feel good when I'm at work and bad when I'm relaxing. (Trying to relax). I wonder if it's because relaxation is no fun when you're overtired. It's much more fun when you can DO something with your relaxation time.

The others have been much more quiet. I try to involve the littles in exciting things like mailing things to people and sometimes in fun shows or stuff like that. But in general they are quiet and trying to be good. Some part seems to be sabotaging eating. Some part seems to think that engaging in new therapy would be an endeavor waay too dangerous to undertake. Never trust, never tell. Just go on.

Just going on has brought me this far, but it won't work forever.
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Re: Treatment options / do you need a specialist T?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Nov 08, 2019 5:20 am

fireheart wrote:I want to be that person who can do everything, balance many many things, be happy and successful.
Turns out, it's doable. But only while neglecting myself at the same time.


I can totally relate to this. I was just realizing today how much I ignored and pushed on through, in different areas of my life. It made me so much more efficient and productive! So now I'm much less efficient and productive, but I'm taking better care of myself. It's very hard to adjust to.
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Re: Treatment options / do you need a specialist T?

Postby fireheart » Fri Nov 29, 2019 7:01 am

Yesterday I was in contact with a fragment-like part. Its main goal/conviction is that it should kill my mother.

I felt some of its fear. I never knew there was so much fear behind that, but it is fear that immediately turns into somatization: stomach aches that spiral into backpain, "wounds" from years ago that suddenly feel as though they are still there. Here. Right now.

It's the pain and fear that belongs to betrayal on a very primal level.

I can't believe there's a part of me so focused on survival, so hurt, that they saw this as necessary... as a legitimate option, as a way out. It hurts that my mum hurt me enough for this to happen.
And it also hurts that they lost the feeling of being human. They feel more like a supernatural, evil being.

I ended up doing relaxation exercises using imagery. That really helped. I hope I can think of something in the present that will break the flashback the part is STILL going through. I don't think I have a clearer example of a part living in the past.
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Re: Treatment options / do you need a specialist T?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Nov 29, 2019 5:57 pm

That sounds very intense. It's great that relaxation exercises helped you, and that you were able to understand so clearly what was going on.
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Re: Treatment options / do you need a specialist T?

Postby fireheart » Mon Dec 02, 2019 6:24 pm

Thank you, Gang.

I built safe spaces inside for this part and another part who gets triggered by the mother. I think it helps.


Trigger warning: family and confrontation

Yesterday I saw family and confronted my father. It happened accidentally, I kind of feel like I was an observer at that point so maybe it was a different part who stepped forward. I think it was triggered when my dad said that I was afraid as a child. I said that I was.
My sister stood up and got a book with a poem she wrote about me when she was a child. It was a very sad poem and we talked about that. She validated how unsafe my very early childhood must have felt and then my dad joined the conversation. He is still clearly in denial and filled with shame at the same time. I told him that I always felt scared at his house, like I was all alone... and my sister said that she felt that way too. (!!!!!!!).

I feel less alone now. Somehow I can see more connections, my past also affects my sister. Of course my father still denies everything, but it's like he's becoming less relevant/important.

I'm going to need some time to recover.
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Re: Treatment options / do you need a specialist T?

Postby Zor » Thu Dec 05, 2019 9:05 pm

littleDaria wrote:our T knows of our DID and has decades of experience with dissociation. Working with a T who has no experience with DID feels counter intuitive to us; would you call a carpenter for a plumbing problem? You mention depression; our T (and our psychiatrist, and our crisis counselor) told us that, when it comes to trauma therapy, things tend to get worse before they get better, and wow, they were not kidding. That said, it is absolutely worth it. We feel our trauma therapy is the first real therapy we have ever had in our 50 years on this earth.


Sometimes you have no choice. No one at the clinic I have to go to has any experience- and there's times it is ok, and other times (like recently) it is VERY NOT ok.

IMHO, if you CAN go to one WITH experience, DO! DO IT!
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Re: Treatment options / do you need a specialist T?

Postby fireheart » Thu Dec 05, 2019 9:14 pm

Zor wrote:Sometimes you have no choice. No one at the clinic I have to go to has any experience- and there's times it is ok, and other times (like recently) it is VERY NOT ok.

IMHO, if you CAN go to one WITH experience, DO! DO IT!


I did end up with a T with DID experience, two of them, actually. Both ended up diagnosing me with DID and treatment will start soon. After my experiences with my previous T, who definitely meant no harm but just didn't know what to do (which ended up being retraumatizing), I would second this.

You may not have a choice, but at least be sure to explore your options.
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Re: Treatment options / do you need a specialist T?

Postby fireheart » Tue Dec 10, 2019 7:09 am

Still treating this as a journey thread.

Man, I feel lonely.
We found a lecture on youtube yesterday about how to reduce bullying and teasing of people (kids) with Aspergers. M fronted to watch it and she was touched by almost every single thing Tony Atwood said. He explained WHY kids engage in bullying - it was eye-opening. He also proposed to make a "this is me" book to foster self-esteem; a ring binder where you write down your good qualities (and ones you like) and collect evidence of you displaying them.
I think that'd be really good for M.
We watched about half of the lecture before it was too much to take in. It also reminded me of my mum a lot, of my parents. I had NO idea how I could defend myself. That wasn't any different at school or at home.

They also gave several examples of failed justice and how it can steer the situation towards a violent response in the aspi kids. Maybe that explains the fox: they needed to find a way to STOP my mum, to change the situation. It NEEDED to happen. I couldn't go on.

I dreamt about my mum. I forgot the specifics, but it was basically a flashback of a situation where I ran away from home. I felt SO much shame about that. Why? I don't even know.

It has to do with the Holidays. Especially the fox and M want/need us to stay away from family. Robin and others feel like they *need* family, need to belong somewhere. Cannot take the loneliness.

I feel like I wish I had a T to support me, but what can they even do or say? Nothing much... the answers are all within me already.
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