If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Well, sending tons of support your way. Figuring things out is difficult. This situation is difficult in itself, managing it wile being dissociated makes it even more tricky.

Hugs for the ones who want some, and tons of cute kittens too if it helps.

we're sorry you're in such a rough spot atm Gang

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Then we started talking about how some of the parts inside really hate our life--they hate the way things have come together--decisions, choices, the passage of time--to have us arrive here. And there are very few things I can find that in this current life that they can enjoy (things like riding our bike, or going on the swings, for example). When we get overwhelmed with grief, I think it's coming from them, and there's just a sense of despair and hopelessness, and no way to fix what's wrong. They want to be back in time with our life ahead of us, not at THIS point in time where it feels like there's no future and no way to fix things.

we relate really hard to this part, kinda describes a huge chunk of our feelings towards 'real life'.

we get the upset at being misunderstood too. that happens with our T sometimes & some of us just won't talk to her cos they assume it'll mean wasting half the session trying to explain what she got wrong or how she twisted their words around to fit her perception or whatever

anyways we're sorry & hope you all figure stuff out & get into a better emotional place again

<3 <3 <3

We're in a very confused, mixed-up place right now. I'm hoping that trying to write about things will help us get some kind of handle on what's happening. We've always been able to count on our memory of at least the timeline of our days and activities. We don't usually have gaps that we can't immediately fill in, but lately it seems like they're not getting filled in as quickly, and that feeling of not instantly knowing what we did yesterday afternoon, for example, is really terrifying for us.

On top of that, our feelings have been all over the place. We'll feel something really strongly, and be immersed in it, and then seconds later, we're immersed in the complete opposite feeling. We just feel really unstable and not sure what to think about anything because we might have several completely different feelings about the same thing.

We went to Disneyland for our birthday last week. That was kind of a big deal, and a daunting thing to plan, since our husband had to be away (and still is), and we didn't end up asking anyone else to go with us. But we used to be able to take the three outside kids places like that on our own--maybe not for the whole day by ourselves, but for most of a day. So we figured that taking one physical body was easier than that. We planned it very carefully, and really had the concept of "taking the littles" there, and trying to do as much as we could of what the youngest ones wanted to do. It's about an hour's drive from our house.

----potentially boring details of which rides we went on during the day----

We got there early, and did all the Fantasyland rides we wanted to do before lunch. We didn't do the teacups or Dumbo because it felt too exposed to be on those rides alone, and also no one really wanted to. After that, we went to the part of the park that has the Jungle Cruise, and Winnie The Pooh, and went on some rides over there, and then we went on the Disneyland railroad that goes all around the park. That was one of the suggestions we read about for resting and taking a break, and it was a good one. Then we went on a couple of Tomorrowland rides. By then it was dinnertime, and we went to downtown Disney to eat something, and then we went on two rides in the other park, California Adventure, and came back to Disneyland for the parade and fireworks.

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Overall, it went really well, and we felt proud of ourselves, but there were a couple of interactions with other people toward the end of the day that we didn't handle well, partly because we were so tired, and there's at least one part who is being very critical of us, and another who feels upset and wants to self-harm because of what we said or did. And those couple of moments that I'm sure everyone else involved has already forgotten about, can kind of overshadow the whole magical day--it's very hard to hold onto the dozens of good moments when there were three or four bad moments.

Another thing we're dealing with is that we found out that we got asked to be part of a summer performance project--this is something that certain parts enjoy, and other parts really hate and find stressful. So even though some parts are thrilled and excited, other ones are upset that we're doing it, and thinking it's a big mistake and we'll screw things up and people will think we're weird, etc.

ALSO, things are still not back on track with the T. If there even is a track. I really don't know how it's supposed to go. I guess I thought that after we felt more connected to him and more trusting, then we could start to talk more about how we feel on the inside. But we don't seem to have any template for having a conversation. I need someone to reflect back what I've said to make sure that they understand it, and to perhaps inquire more about what I just said.

But the way he responds (in words) makes me feel like he didn't understand or hear what I said. Last week I said a couple of times that I felt hopeless. And a little later he said something like, "I wonder if perhaps you're feeling hopeless." Well, yes--I JUST said that, several times. And when I ask, he just says that he's wanting to know more about how I'm feeling. But instead, I'm left feeling like he didn't hear me say that I felt hopeless. THAT'S how I'm feeling.

Or at the start of the appointment, I had said that I hadn't gotten much sleep, so I was really tired. And later in the appointment, I was talking about that feeling of getting up in the morning and feeling so tired that even from the beginning of the day, you're just waiting until it's time to go to bed. And he repeated the word "tired" as a question--"Tired?" as if, "Oh--are you tired?" or "Why are you tired?" And I got a little frustrated and said, "Because I didn't get much sleep last night. I already told you that." And he said he had been wondering if I was feeling like the 8 am session with him was making me tired, since it was at the beginning of the day. Wondering if that was adding to the tired feeling. But that's the kind of thing I would tell him if it was happening. I've told him about it before. Right then, I wasn't talking about that. I was talking about an experience I was having that didn't have anything to do with him or the session, or our relationship.

I'm not capturing this very well, but talking to him is like trying to walk through deep wet mud. And it doesn't get me anywhere. I'm left feeling annoyed and misunderstood, and like the only way the T is helpful is by providing caring and emotional support to the littles. Maybe we need to go back to just quietly feeling the warmth and caring from him, holding his hand when we're at the office, or just taking in the good feelings on zoom, and not try to explain what we've been thinking or feeling between sessions, except perhaps in emails. And we've gone back to having the T only respond with emojis, because when he writes words, they just end up hurting one or more of us.

Anyway, this is taking too long, and I need to do other things. I'll just leave this here to read again later, and see if I can figure things out more. The main thing is that there are parts who are just very annoyed by the T and don't like him, and don't feel like talking to him is productive or useful. They want to stop, but there are littles and maybe some older parts who appreciate the caring and realize that he has helped us feel better about ourselves and be more confident taking risks out in the world to achieve things that some of us want.

I am happy you could spend some time in Disneyland and enjoy some rides as well as the parade and fireworks. It sounds like it was a nice fun day overall.

Sending moral support for your sessions with your T. I understand your frustration. I hope you will find a solution to get out of this metaphorical thick mud.

hi Gang
the disney trip sounds like alot of fun
we're glad you all were able to do that
sorry a few bad experiences stuck with you
and were sorry your feeling mixedup & scared about the memory & switchy stuff
we hope things get better with your T

<3 <3 <3

Thanks, ArbreMonde and Amythyst. I really appreciate your support.

I decided not to do tomorrow's session with the T and wait until I can go to his office on Friday and see him in person. It seemed like too much to have to get up so early tomorrow, because the performance thing we're in has rehearsals every night this week, starting tonight, so that's a big change in our usual schedule.

And also, the husband is still away, so we don't have the extra support from him that we usually have. Even when a session with the T goes well, we're still pretty exhausted for the whole day, and that's the best case scenario. If something difficult happens, it makes it very hard to get through the day afterwards.

One good thing was that we spoke to the husband on the phone today, and told him about the couple of things that happened at Disneyland that upset us, and he was very supportive and helpful, so I think we're much less bothered about those things now.

Bringing these comments over from birdsong's journey thread:

birdsong87 wrote:@TheGang, I am thinking of you. We know the feeling that we keep running into a wall over and over again and how badly it sucks, how very much a door is needed and how bad it feels to just run into the wall again instead. Sometimes it is necessary to try something new. like we did when we started writing our T to somehow manage to be more open and clear. There is no recipe. It is all a big experiment. We are here to support you in anything you want to try and experiment with. figuring out therapy is tricky. I know that sometimes trying to soften words isn't going to be helpful. It doesn't change the situation and how painful it is. just know that there are people here who are for you and who want to see you succeed. you are not alone.

fireheart wrote:Birdsong is right, we also care about you a lot, Gang. We hope that things will get better for you really soon.

Thank you so much, both of you. Your support really means a lot.

I've been kind of overwhelmed in general, because of the stress of being part of the performance project. It feels kind of like we've fooled them into giving us a larger part than we've ever had before in one of these things, and like they'll find out any minute that they've made a mistake. Different parts of us have very different feelings about participating in it, including hating the whole idea and wishing we didn't do it at all. In addition to the performance part of it, it's also being immersed in a group of people--trying to learn their names, and trying to interact appropriately. All with masks on constantly, on top of everything else.

We saw the T on zoom last Friday--we couldn't go see him in person because he had covid, but also we really didn't want to because it takes so much out of us to drive there and be in the office with him, and we had a rehearsal scheduled for that evening. We're still upset and disappointed about the last time we saw him in person and left the session early, and it feels like that rupture hasn't been repaired yet. This was only the second time seeing him since then. And we chose not to see him yesterday, because we don't want to get up so early for those Tuesday appointments when we have rehearsals every night now.

It was a little scary for the littles to see him coughing so much and being ill, so that was hard.

We talked a lot about feeling distant from him--like he's someone that we used to know a long time ago. And there are parts who still feel so annoyed with him and disappointed. Like he really isn't the right person to help us at this point in our therapy. It seems pointless to keep up the attachment of the littles to him if it's not in the service of being able to talk to him about painful things from our past, or painful feelings in the present--we thought that was kind of the whole point of becoming more attached and trusting.

We have hardly been checking in with him by text--not even once since we saw him Friday, and we used to text almost daily. And it's not because we feel connected and don't NEED to hear from him. It's more that we're not letting the littles text him to maintain the connection. We're not promoting that attachment and connection because why should we do that at all? What's the point? We just keep getting hurt and disappointed, and he keeps saying that he'll adjust his responses, and that he wants to understand us.

It was kind of soothing, in a way, to have him be there on Friday, being calm, and sad about the things we were saying. We were saying things that are designed to push him away, I think, and he isn't being pushed away. He's still there in the same place, whether or not we can feel it. And like we've been telling him recently, the fact that he cares about us a lot is something; it isn't nothing. But it just feels like there's supposed to be something beyond just being there and caring. We just so much want to be understood. (Saying that is making us cry.)

We don't have rehearsal Friday night, so theoretically we could go see him in his office on Friday (if he isn't contagious anymore), but why should we take half a day to do that and be even more exhausted, when we could see him on zoom and still be in our house and feel safer? Some parts want to go, but it feels like that's just littles who like his office and want to hold his hand.

When we think about that--about continuing to let the littles be connected with him and be more in front when we meet with him, there's a lot of annoyance and frustration which I think is coming from slightly older parts. They're the ones who want to be able to have a conversation with him where we describe our experiences and he listens and shows that he understands what we're saying. And then if we want input from him, we can ask, and he can respond to that with his thoughts about what we've told him. Does that sound unreasonable??

He just doesn't seem capable of listening without introducing whatever random idea comes up in his mind based on what we've said, and then we have to explain why, for us, that doesn't follow from what we said, and that takes us off the track of what we were talking about. We told him again that it feels like wading through thick mud to try to communicate with him.

I don't know. I don't know how to tell it's a phase of the therapy to go through this grief and disappointment about not being understood vs. just being a mismatch with this T. There are other people (like the husband, and old friends that I talk to on the phone occasionally) who seem to "get" me, and with whom I can explore ideas. I feel like they ask questions that add to my understanding and give me things to think about. But that has never happened with our T--his questions always seem to show us that he didn't really understand what we just said.

Anyway, that's where we're at right now. Very stuck and not sure this is a fixable thing with this T.

thinking of you.
do you think it is a good time to make changes in therapy right now? the dance project sounds very challenging.

Thanks, birdsong. I'm not going to stop seeing him right now or anything drastic like that. But I'm seeing him only once a week instead of twice, and just on zoom for now instead of going to his office. At least for tomorrow. Maybe I'll feel differently next week, but it's a long drive, and it just doesn't seem worth it right now.

Yes, the performance thing is very challenging. And I also think I've been a little under the weather for the past couple of days, since this level of fatigue is more than I had last week, and the rehearsal schedule has been lighter this week than last. So that's making everything seem harder. We didn't even exercise today--we napped instead. Very unusual for us.

Sending a lot of moral support. This sounds like a difficult time for you all with things piling up with the rehersals and the therapy and everything around.

I sincerely hope you will find a way to ease things up internally and with the T. You deserve to be understood. (Okay "deserve" is not the proper word for that because nobody should "earn" the right to be understood. It's an inalienable right. I hope I still manage to explain myself properly even though I am kinda lost in translation somewhere.)