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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Oct 15, 2020 6:51 pm

Saw the T this morning. And now we're trying to remember everything that happened since we last posted here.

Sometimes we can put it together by looking at other posts we made, like on the littles and teens threads. It's so important to us to try to have a continuous timeline of what happens. It's like a rope we can hold onto.

We had a session on Friday that seemed to go well, but we didn't feel quite as connected to the T as we had after the previous session. And the littles were kind of feeling left out about something he was going to be celebrating over the weekend.

There was a whole story we told ourselves about what he must have been doing on Sunday, and how we weren't important to him that day, and how he was probably purposely not responding until the evening, blah blah blah. And in sending him good wishes and not getting anything back, we had kind of overextended ourselves in a way that wasn't good for us.

But when we talked to him about it on Tuesday, his day had been completely different than what we imagined, and he was just wrapped up in a project and not even checking his phone all day. He said we were important "all the days," and hearing about what he had been doing made the littles feel a lot better.

And he had been really touched by what we had sent him, which was so surprising to the littles, who don't feel like it's possible for them to do something that would actually make someone else feel good. They were like, "Really???" And the T said that he wouldn't lie to us. But it didn't at all have to do with thinking he was lying. It really had to do with not thinking it was possible that something that they did could have that effect on someone.

That was kind of an important realization. There are older parts who know that we've done things that make other people feel good, but it seems that any of us under a certain age, like maybe 10, don't see that as possible. They can imagine a sort of pat on the head type of acknowledgement--like "oh, you're trying to do a nice thing, so I'll praise you," but not being able to truly cause a good feeling in the other person--to have really touched them. But we could see that the T was touched, and that our good wishes had meant something to him.

Today we weren't feeling well, so that made it harder to feel connected to the T, but at the end we went over again that the timing of when he responds to texts never has to do with us. Hopefully we'll start to believe it more continuously. That we're always important to him, and we're always with him in his head and heart. That he never gets a text from us and thinks, "Oh no, not again!"

Changing these kinds of core beliefs is SO HARD. We run into the same issues again and again, because it always seems like something is different this time that validates those old beliefs. "We shouldn't have asked the T that question in a text, and he's showing us that by not writing back right away." or "Even if we've been important to him on all the other days, this day is different and we aren't important." or "Even though he's been the same consistent person in every session, today he might suddenly be different and all the previous stuff will disappear."

More stuff to hopefully remember to come back and read the next time we make up a story about the way things are, with no evidence, and start to believe it completely.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Nov 07, 2020 11:27 pm

We didn't keep up with writing about how things have been going with the T, so now that they're not going well, we can't really remember how it felt when they were going well. We can remember thinking they were going well, but not with any good feelings attached to those thoughts. They're just very abstract. But we must have had good sessions on the 20th and 23rd, and on the 27th.

_______________________________________________
Claire started writing this on the Littles thread to talk about difficult things, but then it seemed like it was better to put it here:

We are very, very, very sad because someone bigger said that there has to be a break from our T next week. We were going to see him on Wednesday and Friday, but now we have to wait all the way until next Tuesday.

We're not arguing with them, but it just makes us sad that it has to be like that.

There was something he didn't understand, and we explained it to him more on Friday, and then he still didn't understand, and we explained it more times over the weekend, so we thought it would be all fixed up when we saw him on Tuesday, because he SAID in a text that he believed us when we explained how things worked for us.

But then when we saw him on Tuesday, he said, "we have a disagreement," and how he "couldn't even have a conversation," with us, like he wanted to but we couldn't because it upset us too much to talk about it. So we left after 5 minutes because it sounded like he was just going to think whatever he thought and wasn't even checking to see how we were feeling.

Then we explained the thing more in emails, and after more times of explaining it, and crying a lot, and not being able to do much this week, we saw him yesterday. But then we were still upset all day after, so someone decided that we need to take a break. :cry: :cry:

Claire
________________________________________________

So, older people need to take over now: We tried sorting this out in our journal yesterday evening, but it was still too confusing. In yesterday's session, the T said that he decided not to keep his idea of what would be good for us, and finally did "throw it out," but when we tried to understand why he had still been holding onto it on Tuesday, all he could say was that there are some things he believes very strongly.

The issue had to do with asking him in a session to remind us of the things that littles can do between sessions to remember that we're not alone and that he exists and cares about them. Things like looking at the photos and video we have of him, or texting him. He added, "you can tell each other," but we told him that isn't a helpful thing for us, and explained why because of our history. But he wouldn't drop it as being something that could be helpful.

And whatever we said, he kept persisting with his idea, and wouldn't give it up, which is very unusual and hardly ever happens. So we felt very upset and hurt--like he wasn't believing our description of how we feel and what our experience is. That was last Friday, so we sent texts over the weekend to try to explain it further, and none of his responses seemed to grasp what we were saying, but we thought that he had come around to believing us.

Then on Tuesday, when the session started, it became clear that he was still sure that his idea could be helpful for us, and was starting from that point instead of finding out where we were at the start of the session. As if this was an ongoing conversation that he was continuing. We couldn't stay for that--it seemed to be all about what he wanted to talk about, and we had already said that it hurt us and made us upset. So we left the session soon after it started.

Then yesterday, it seemed like he was somewhat back to listening to us and being willing to accept what we were saying about our experience, but there are parts who are still upset about the whole week-long interaction. Usually when we tell the T that something he said isn't helpful, or hurts us, he tries not to do that anymore. This time it felt like we told him, and he wasn't going to stop doing it. He wanted to change it into something that wouldn't hurt. But yesterday he said that he was going to drop it. It's just that it had helped lots of other people. We don't even know exactly what he was talking about.

Yesterday's session went well, but I think people are still shaken up by what happened, and feel like for the past week he hadn't been responding the way we've come to trust that he'll respond to us. It seemed very different. He called it "butting heads," but I don't think he grasps how intense our pain was over all of this. It's not two people on an equal footing disagreeing on an issue.

Anyway, we sent a long text last night telling him that we're taking a break and planning to see him on the 17th. Maybe that's enough time for us to sort out how we're all feeling and to work on calming skills. Maybe the littles have gotten too focused on building their connection with him in a way that isn't good for us. I don't know. We might ask him to send an email to us (older parts) explaining what he was talking about that he believes in so strongly and really thought could be "modified" from what we said was hurting so that it could help us instead.

Well, even if no one reads this, we'll have it here to look at in the future. :roll:
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby MakersDozn » Tue Nov 10, 2020 5:23 am

Hi Gang,

Just letting you know that we're reading and that we care.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Tue Nov 10, 2020 7:02 am

Thanks, MDs.

We've made a little progress. We woke up in the middle of the night last night, and started to understand that Watcher is still very upset, and more of the details about exactly why, and this afternoon we wrote a long email to the T, and we'll see where we are after he writes back. He did sent a text yesterday saying that he supported and encouraged us to take the time we needed, and that he would still be there, so that was reassuring for the littles.

I guess Watcher just needs time, and to make sure that the T really gets how painful this was for them.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby MakersDozn » Tue Nov 10, 2020 5:02 pm

Glad for your progress, Gang. We're sorry that Watcher is still upset, and we hope that they find peace soon. And it's good that your T let you know that he understands why you need time to process this.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Nov 15, 2020 2:02 am

The T wrote back to us Wednesday evening, and that helped work out a few of the things we had been upset about. We wrote another email to him with a couple of things that were still bothering us, and then realized still more things that were upsetting, so on Thursday evening we added a new email on to that one.

The T has responded to one of them so far, and said he plans to respond to the other one later sometime.

We're feeling like the conflict has been almost completely worked out, and that the T understands the things that he's responded to so far.

It seems that we really did need this whole week off from seeing him to have enough time for us to figure out everything that was bothering different parts. It was very gradual, and there were different layers to what happened that all had to be sorted out. We would think that we had written about everything that had been bothering us, and then realize there was another aspect that someone was crying about.

Hopefully things will be calmer now for awhile in therapy--this has been a very rough patch.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby Amythyst » Sun Nov 15, 2020 3:25 pm

we're glad things are getting resolved with you and your T

we hope things go more smoothly again for you all

viola & others
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby MakersDozn » Tue Nov 17, 2020 7:06 am

Glad that you feel better, Gang....that your T wrote back to address part of what was bothering you, and that you believe that you've made progress.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Tue Nov 17, 2020 6:16 pm

Thanks MDs, Viola & others.

We just had a session with the T. Claire started writing on the Littles thread, but we're going to let her talk here instead because it was too intense.

From Claire: We just talked to our T. He talked to us for extra time because some parts are very upset and feel like things won't ever be the same with him again. He says they will and that they will be even stronger, but no one feels like that yet. We said that we didn't want to see him so soon again on Thursday (he can't see us on Friday this week), so we're going to see him next Tuesday. He might not see us on that Friday though because he might take that day off. I miss having that feeling like he cares about us. We remember the idea, but not the feeling.
_____________________________________________

We don't really have the energy to write more about this right now. We were crying for most of the session and it went on for over 90 minutes. It definitely seems like too much to meet again in 2 days. It's hard to imagine right now that we'll get back to feeling as connected as we were before, but we'll just wait and see instead of deciding now how it's going to be when we don't really know.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby MakersDozn » Thu Nov 19, 2020 1:30 am

Hi Claire and other Gang people,

Just letting you know we're reading. We're glad that you took care of yourselves by deciding to postpone your next T appointment until next week when you'll be ready. And we hope that you'll feel more connected to him soon.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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