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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby birdsong87 » Sun Sep 20, 2020 2:52 pm

I very much get it. it crosses a personal boundary. Nobody asked for that kind of feedback and then it hits the same place of feeling misunderstood and really unseen.
Asti has exploded into the face of some people lately when they made assumptions without even knowing us. or being able to tell us apart.
this weird mix of us that is our surface seems to present something to the world that neither of us really is. People who know that really know nothing.
I think that you have a right to be angry about it, the person crossed a boundary there
no wonder there is some hyperarousal about it, it feels like you need to defend yourself and protect yourself more.
I hope you could sleep some more
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby MakersDozn » Sun Sep 20, 2020 4:45 pm

Hi, Gang.

We're sorry this happened to you, and we understand why you'd be upset. We agree with birdsong--those people crossed a boundary, and we're very protective of our boundaries.

Some people don't "get it." Too many. We're glad that you're doing what you need to do to take care of yourselves, and we hope that you feel better soon.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Sep 20, 2020 6:37 pm

Thanks birdsong and MDs.

It was more than one person, L. It was four or five, one after the other, kind of amplifying what the previous person said. One person said that they couldn't understand why I ever get nervous before or during my turn because "you're perfect." Like, what???? What kind of thing is that to say to someone??

Yes, we were able to get a few more hours of sleep--thanks. We started crying a lot when we got back into bed, but then we were able to get a little distance and perspective, I think.

We realized that many people said things about themselves in the discussion, so they're probably each thinking about what they said, and not so much about what other people said. I know that's true for me.

Also, if I add up the comments from the three turns I've had so far, most of them were about my work and not about who they thought I was, so that part is still valid. I don't need to throw out everything that was said just because some of it went (way) beyond what was appropriate.

It's so frustrating that the teacher joined in with it, though. Because even when I was saying how upset I had been and that no one there really knew me, he said that they did know me somewhat from the comments *I* had made to the other students, as if those somehow represented my personality. As if they had some knowledge base for their comments. As if he was saying, "But those comments WERE justified." :cry: :evil:

But the point was that NO comments about someone's personality were appropriate whether or not they were reasonable assumptions. Even in the process of apologizing, the teacher made an assumption about me that wasn't based on anything I had said. He assumed that I was a mom, when I had made it a point in my introduction to not mention that at all. He and other students mentioned their children in their introduction, and I didn't. Why is he assuming that?? I think if it was just the other students and not the teacher ALSO, it would be less upsetting.

The other teacher has known me for several years, and is a very kind and reassuring person. He's the one who pointed out that zoom makes it easier for people to make assumptions, since it's like watching people on TV rather than being able to have all the little interactions that let people get to know each other. I'm glad that I don't have to worry about his view of me, because he's really the only one I'm likely to have as a teacher or work with again on a project in the future.

Thanks again for your support, guys. I didn't really think of it as a boundary issue--I'll have to think about that.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby MakersDozn » Sun Sep 20, 2020 10:32 pm

TheGangsAllHere wrote:It was more than one person, L. It was four or five, one after the other, kind of amplifying what the previous person said. One person said that they couldn't understand why I ever get nervous before or during my turn because "you're perfect." Like, what???? What kind of thing is that to say to someone??

WTAF? Oh, man.

We're glad you're practicing self-care, though, and that the second teacher is someone you have a positive opinion about. Hoping that things get better for you soon.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby Jolly jo » Mon Sep 21, 2020 7:25 pm

Hi. That sounds upsetting. I was thinking about the bit when you said that all of you are younger than your chronological age and younger than you look and that they had included references to you being older. I wondered if some of the upset is because their comments effectively ignored all of you - none of you can be described like that so are they really seeing any of you?
I don’t know if that makes sense to you or not? I have been upset when people make an assumption about me being happy on my own and strong and independent. Its what i try to exude but it couldn’t be any further from the truth and it makes me feel truely invisible.
I hope you are feeling better - also Rey pleased to read how well you are doing in therapy.
Diagnosed DID with a few other states.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby MakersDozn » Mon Sep 21, 2020 9:58 pm

Jolly jo wrote:I was thinking about the bit when you said that all of you are younger than your chronological age and younger than you look and that they had included references to you being older. I wondered if some of the upset is because their comments effectively ignored all of you - none of you can be described like that so are they really seeing any of you?

Thank you for pointing this out, Jolly jo.

Gang, we're sorry we missed this detail earlier. It really resonates with us. The body has always looked younger than its age, and we as individuals are much younger.

Not sure if you'll identify with this, and if we're off or triggering, we apologize. It's the fact that our generation was taught to respect our elders. Of course, this notion can be triggering if elders traumatized us. But we also feel cheated in that now that we are the elders on the outside, the world has changed so much that society no longer values what we've "earned."

We hope you're feeling better too.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon Sep 21, 2020 10:53 pm

Thanks Jolly jo and MDs.

Well, the thing about being older was definitely part of the pigeonholing that the teacher was doing, and that especially upsets one of us who doesn't want to feel limited by that in what we're "allowed" to do in the class. She gets that we're not 16 on the outside, but that's what age she is, and it feels very unfair to her that we can't do things that other 16 year olds or even 20 year olds get to do.

We don't relate to the "respect your elders" thing. We don't want to be perceived as an "elder" in any way, shape, or form, or to use that to have any sort of authority or power. So that's not something we identify with, but it sounds difficult and I'm sorry you experience that, MDs.

I was still upset and crying about this whole thing last night, and even thinking about dropping the class. But the husband was very supportive, and I was able to sleep better last night. I worked on something this morning, and had a turn presenting something in the class today, and it was well-received.

And I was also able to say something to the teacher about not limiting us (all the students) so much. He walked it back a little, but it's still how he thinks--he stereotypes all of the students in the class and wants us to only present things that are "appropriate" according to him. But it seems like if he's called on it, he'll back off, so I feel more empowered than I felt before.

I really appreciate all the support I've gotten for this on here.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Oct 03, 2020 6:27 pm

Things have been going well with the T lately, and also with my classes.

We had been ill with a bad cold for about 10 days, and felt more needy. If we texted the T, it was hard to wait for him to write back. If we let him know that it's hard to wait, then he writes back sooner, but it's very hard for us to ask for that. We mentioned that on Tuesday, and the T said that when someone is sick, they need more TLC. And some of us heard that as meaning that we shouldn't need TLC most of the time, but that there's a grudging exception if we're sick.

Of course that's not what the T meant, and he reassured us about that, but the feeling that brought up from the past, of having to rely on someone who met our needs only grudgingly and with the attitude that if you can do something yourself, you should, was very painful. So much so, that even though we wanted to text the T about something between Tuesday and Friday, we didn't, just because it would have reminded us about that feeling.

So I talked with him about it yesterday, and it was a good conversation, although it exhausted us. The T said that we're important all the time and deserve TLC all the time. And if we're sick, or upset, then we might need more. We talked about how he prioritizes things that he needs to do, and that really helped us understand that the timing of when he responds to us is never based on something to do with us. He's never trying to show us something or teach us a lesson by when he responds, and he's just been more busy recently with projects than he was a few months ago.

Anyway, it was a good session. He was all energized and happy about having talked about that stuff, and we were wiped out. :D

My classes are going well, too, and that teacher has stopped trying to limit people based on their age, so we feel better about that.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby MakersDozn » Sat Oct 03, 2020 8:15 pm

Hi Gang,

We're glad that your cold is going away and that you feel better. We're also glad that your you and your T resolved the feelings that you were dealing with, and that your teacher is treating you and the other students more fairly. It's great that you've had several good things happen!

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Oct 08, 2020 1:14 am

Claire started to write something on the littles' thread about yesterday's session, but it started to seem too "heavy" for littles, so we told her she could put it here:

From Claire:

We saw our T yesterday and he was really nice. Some people told him about a thing that happened to us when we were kind of a young grownup, and he was sad and mad about it. He even said bad words about the mom and then pretended that he didn't mean to say them out loud. :D

And me and Jaden and Little didn't understand how it works if the T is sad and mad--like it seems like all the good and happy feelings are gone then, like they disappeared. Like, his eyes are teary, and he looks really sad, and he says that his heart hurts. So it doesn't seem like there's anything good about that. But he said that he loves us and that's why he gets so sad and mad about things that happened to us.

So we asked where the good and happy feelings were and he said they were still in his heart and in his head, and he messed up his hair with his hands to show us that sometimes the happy feelings were in the back and sometimes the sad feelings were in the back--like they can switch places. He looked really silly with his hair all messed up!! :D :D

Claire
_____________________________________________

The past couple of days were really good. We had things to present in two different classes on Monday, and both things went really well. Then yesterday we had therapy in the morning, a dance class, an exercise class and another class in the evening where we presented something. (We also went to the dentist, but the only good thing about that was getting to drive somewhere for the first time in a week.)

Therapy went well. We don't usually talk about past trauma, but we talked about something from when we were 20 that was related to a recent email that the dad sent us, that we needed to talk to the T about. So after we talked about the upsetting thing from the past, we were really worried that we would just feel alone with it after the session. That has happened before--we're just left alone with all the pain; remembering the event and remembering hearing ourselves talk about it again--how is that helpful?

But the T had a lot of feelings about what we told him. Seeing that and knowing that he really cares about us helped us stay connected to him in the present so we could still have that connection after the session ended. And he was able to explain things to the littles in a way that they understood.

I hope that we can hang on to this feeling of connection and build on it. Later in the day, the littles decided that the blue heart emoji means love and sad feelings being present at the same time, and wanted the T to send us that, so he put in a couple of those when he responded.

I know that we have some parts who worry about about strong feelings coming from the T, and think it isn't "ok" for him to say that he wants to say "###$ you, bitch" to the mom, and to tell us that he loves us. But that's more of a thinking response, about rules and what Ts are and aren't "supposed" to do. The feeling is that it's helping us a lot to have someone so much in our corner that they're angry about how we were treated, and comfortable saying they love us. (Although he did preface that with saying that he was going to choose to use a particular word, and that we would sort it out later if we needed to.)

Anyway, I just wanted to write this so we have it to come back to.
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