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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby IainEtc » Wed Aug 01, 2018 12:12 am

Hi,

Host knows but he's like 'it's my name'. Also he knows we were 'abused' but he doesn't really get it. I mean feel it. He wasn't there then so it's like reading a novel. He's sad for the characters but he can close the book and go to sleep after.

Sorry. It's T day so I'm kind of messed up for a while.

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby MakersDozn » Wed Aug 01, 2018 3:11 am

No need to be sorry, Iain. We get what you mean. Thanks for explaining.

MDs
Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 56f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Tue Aug 07, 2018 3:13 pm

So we arrived at a name for this new little. Even though his first suggestion was a female name (that I couldn't use because of the associations), the name we ended up with is a male name--Oliver. It's similar to the original name in certain ways that don't bother me. I don't understand the gender thing, but maybe that's not an important feature for him. He doesn't seem to care that I thought of him as she when he wanted that other name, and now he's fine with being a boy and using he/him/his.

He is very upset and angry, at the husband and the T. And the old T. He doesn't want me to write in the journal to the T or to go see him. He says it hurts too much to have to see him. Nadia offered to hold him while we're there. I guess he's thinking about that, since it's clear that we ARE going. Tomorrow AND Friday, in fact. Jenia really wanted to see him an extra time, and it seemed like a good idea, since we have more time this month to focus on this.

Based on what Oliver wrote this morning in the private journal, he is one of the ones who doesn't like my husband. (I HATE HIM! --OLIVER) So now I have more information about where that feeling is coming from and someone to talk with about why.

Sigh. All I can say is it's not a boring life. :?
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby MakersDozn » Wed Aug 08, 2018 2:49 am

Hi to Oliver. And maybe you can write in the littles thread. There are lots of kids there if you want to make friends.

Joseph who is 8 and a half
Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 56f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Aug 10, 2018 3:13 am

Hi Joseph,

That's nice of you. Oliver is not interested in making any friends. He's upset and angry about the way things are, and the way they can't be, and how much that hurts him.

We will be talking with him and trying to help him feel better, and maybe someday he will want to write to other kids and make friends.

A grownup part (not sure who)
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby IainEtc » Sat Aug 11, 2018 11:43 am

Hi,

We have a part like Oliver. He used to be seriously angry all the time and come out and break things and make a total mess. It took a while but he started talking to our T and then to some of us inside. He's still pretty angry but not all the time now. He doesn't WANT to be angry and he's sorry for breaking our stuff. He just thinks nobody cares about him. When he figured out we DO care about him - he's actually a pretty neat kid - he got better.

Good luck,

Iain

A special Hello to Oliver! I bet you're a neat kid too.
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Aug 12, 2018 3:52 am

Thanks, Iain. Oliver was listening to the T yesterday, and I think he's feeling a little less upset. Some of the littles sent a text to him today, and in the list of who it was from there was "maybe Oliver," which I thought was a good sign.

I've also been trying to do things that he has said he likes, like working in the yard and spending time with the dog.

Today was another terrible headache day. Probably not a coincidence that these happen on Saturdays, which is the day after therapy. We spent an hour with our journal this afternoon, asking each part to write how they feel about the husband, or what they would want to say to him, because things have been really difficult, and he's been interpreting any animosity or dislike or rejection from anyone as coming from all of me. So we gave it to him to read, and it seems to have helped (except we didn't like when he finished and said, "You have fourteen different parts??")

So far since then he and Bobby played Uno, and he came along when we walked the dog (which helped those who didn't want to walk the dog just because Oliver wanted to). Jenia asked him to read a book to her later. And Nadia told him the things that she was upset about from when we were out earlier today (which I hadn't realized were so upsetting).

So it's progress I guess. I don't like these headaches, though. :(
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby IainEtc » Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:39 am

Hi Gangs,

It's all one big family and it's A LOT of work to get along! :wink: I'm glad Oliver even told you what he wanted. If he didn't then you're stuck. We do lists of who wants what all the time. It helps even if we can't always do what everybody wants. You must have a nice husband because he's working on this too.

Iain
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When they say 'be yourself',
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Aug 12, 2018 4:06 pm

A list of what everybody wants to do!!! Of course. I come up with that kind of advice for other people and it doesn't even occur to me for US! Thank you.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Tue Aug 14, 2018 4:36 am

Making a list of what everyone wanted to do worked pretty well yesterday. We didn't get through all of it, but got enough done that people felt ok. I really like when we can meet the needs of the littles while we're doing something else, so since three of them listed listening to one of our current kids' books, we put on the headphones and listened while we did yard work (for another little). I think we all like listening to books, and none of the grownups seem to mind good children's literature, like Roald Dahl (some of whose books we have apparently never read!).

Then we agreed to go out to dinner with the husband, and ordered something the littles wanted that we usually wouldn't get (fish 'n' chips), and walked around afterwards. My husband (see how those possessive pronouns switch? I wish I knew who was feeling which way about him...), had a surprise for Oliver, and took him to one of those big candy stores that have all sorts of vintage candy to buy him a big lollipop. Oliver was definitely surprised and pleased and has been trying to figure out how to fit this into his previous view of R (spoiler: it doesn't fit).

But Oliver is still very angry at the T, and it takes the form of wanting to interrogate him and catch him at being inconsistent, or not saying exactly what he means. He wants to prove either that the T lies to us, or doesn't lie but still doesn't really care. It had to do with a text interaction that we had with him (and the background is that we saw the T twice last week, and we were feeling like Friday went especially well, and the littles are starting to believe that he is really there and the same person all the time even when we don't see him, which is huge progress).

So those littles texted Saturday in the early evening basically asking if he was really still the same person we saw the day before, and he texted back Sunday morning to basically say yes. It was a very nice text, and we're glad that he's so responsive like that because it helps us with the process of trying to stay connected when we're not actually with him.

But Oliver is convinced that it ISN'T true that the T didn't SEE the text until the next morning, which is what he said. (And we actually just had to take a break in the middle of writing this to play solitaire on the phone, which has been happening a LOT lately. Another thing to figure out...). This is clearly stirring up something. And it's clearly not about the T, who has always just said whatever the situation is. He has always seemed to see a text within a few hours of getting it, and has never before not responded until the next morning (except once when he was sick and forgot to respond for a couple of days). But it's not a big deal to anyone except Oliver.

Just because WE always notice what time a text was sent from someone (and seem to have a calendar in our head, and have our credit card number memorized without even trying, to name a few other somewhat similar things that are maybe more, um, detail-oriented than average), doesn't mean that everyone does. My husband said that he often doesn't notice when a text is from. He'll reply and then realize that it was sent a day or two ago and he didn't see it.

So, when the T said that he wrote back when he first saw our text Sunday morning, and didn't notice that it wasn't FROM that morning until I pointed it out, that's perfectly plausible. Maybe he put his phone away at 5 pm and just didn't look at it again until the next morning. Or maybe he looked at it and it just didn't show that a text had come in (sometimes I won't see any notice of a text unless I unlock my phone and specifically check). Or whatever! It was Saturday evening--the guy can have a break for a night! (This is sort of addressed to Oliver, but it helps to write it out here rather than in the journal, because maybe someone has had similar issues with a young protector, which I think is what he is, and has advice or reassurance to offer). If the T had seen the text and hadn't had time to write back that evening for whatever reason, that would still be ok, and he would say that that's what happened.

It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about us or that he doesn't feel that we're important. We didn't need to hear back from him that night--we just expected to based on previous experience. I think it just reminds Oliver of the other T and when he started to pull away from us at the end--changing the boundary of how responsive he would be without telling us ahead of time. Actually, I think that's exactly what it is. So I think what we need to do for Oliver is maybe clarify with the T exactly how he responds to texts--like if he has a time frame or whatever that he responds within, or what. Instead of just trying to figure it out based on whatever happens when we text or email him.

Well, this took a long time to write. Not sure it's of any interest or use to anyone, but it sure was helpful for me. :D
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