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If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Jul 07, 2018 3:31 pm

I'm feeling lost, and crying today. And resentful that this just happens to me for no obvious reason and then it's my job to try to figure it out. I don't want to. I don't want to write in the journal--it's too much work.

Someone wants to ask to see the T an extra time next week, but more time with him isn't going to make me feel less sad and lonely.

Something must have happened yesterday to make me feel less connected to him, but I don't even know what it is. I feel like I should know if I'm going to ask him to help me feel more connected. Someone wants to ask him, "Why do you even care about us?" I think it's that hopeless part, that just wants to give up on everything.

I'm going to go through the motions of what I planned for today--starting with exercise class this morning. Maybe that will slow down this slide into a bad place.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby birdsong87 » Sat Jul 07, 2018 6:20 pm

hey there, I am sorry it feels so shaky and bad right now.
DID often feels sad and lonely for us, it will pass. I hope you find something fun to do that can distract you.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:26 pm

Thanks, birdsong.

It has settled into a more specific reason of why we are upset. It has to do with an activity we're pursuing, and things were going really well with it for the past 5 months--I felt like I was making real progress, but something happened this week where we were rejected for something we wanted to do, in a bigger way than we expected, and we don't have any specific information about why. I tried to be upbeat and not bothered about it, but then we saw how many people were chosen, and who, and it was just too much for us to take.

I can ask for more information, and finding out specific reasons will probably help me, since there are likely things I can focus on improving. But not knowing just sends me spiraling down into worthlessness and feeling that everything about me is wrong. And behind that comes self-punishment for being wrong, as well as berating myself for even trying to do this activity where rejection is a frequent occurrence.

Like, why do I think my mental health can even tolerate this? But some of us love it. Is that enough to put myself through this? One bad thing that happens proceeds to negate any other positive thing that has happened--those just don't feel true anymore.

Writing about it is helping--I started remembering some positive things that seem valid. And there is someone who is very supportive about this specific activity, and I'll be meeting with him in the next couple of days. But it's all just so hard and there is such a pull to just give up.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby IainEtc » Sun Jul 08, 2018 11:51 am

Hi Gangs,

We care about you guys.

Rejection is awful. It's hard to not feel like we did something SO wrong. But really you probably didn't. I mean like you said there are lots of reasons. I think maybe you should ask inside to see if there's an upset kid. That's what happens to us a lot. Somebody inside needs you to talk them through it so they don't think it's their fault. (We spent a lot of time being told getting hurt was OUR fault for not being perfect. Wow! Rejection and shame at the SAME TIME. :roll: ) So the deal maybe you're like being overwhelmed by a kid's feelings.

Hope you're ok soon. You can write about it some more and I'll be sure to read it.

Iain
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Jul 08, 2018 4:00 pm

Thank you, Iain!! That means a lot.

I'm sure there's an upset kid. Maybe several. Later today I'm meeting with someone who usually has a good perspective on these sorts of things, so I'm hoping he'll give me a more positive way to think about it. And tomorrow I can actually find out what the reasons were and then make a plan of what I can do to improve.

But it's true that the kids are sure that everything is wrong with them--they are wrong just for existing, and that interferes with having any kind of constructive response. It's hard for them to realize that we can take responsibility for not measuring up in some way without that meaning that we're just a worthless piece of garbage who has no right to even think that we deserve to do something that we enjoy. :?
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby MakersDozn » Sun Jul 08, 2018 11:47 pm

TheGangsAllHere wrote:But it's true that the kids are sure that everything is wrong with them--they are wrong just for existing, and that interferes with having any kind of constructive response. It's hard for them to realize that we can take responsibility for not measuring up in some way without that meaning that we're just a worthless piece of garbage who has no right to even think that we deserve to do something that we enjoy. :?


This really resonates with us, our older folks in particular. We're sorry that your folks are feeling this way. And we'd be interested in hearing what you do to resolve it.

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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby IainEtc » Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:04 pm

You're not wrong for existing. You are our friends.

Iain Cody Colin & Evan
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby BeccaBee » Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:46 pm

hello you are our friend and we do read your thread but we just don't know what to say about the hard stuff cuz we don't have the good ideas.

we are very curious about your thing because you write about it a lot and it sounds kind of hard bhut like you like it and we want to know what it is bhut we know you have to have the privacy on the internet and we hope you do not give up on your things but just remember that the beginnings part is the hardest part and that sometimes other people are jerkfaces and that is not your fault but that is their fault and so do not let them make you sad because you are special and smart.
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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Jul 12, 2018 1:57 pm

Thank you, MDs, IainEtc and BeccaBee!

We've been too busy for the past few days to respond on here the way we like to, but things are better, and your words and support mean a lot to us. Hoping to have some time to just hang out on here and read and respond to everything soon!

BeccaBee--Meredith is dying to tell you ALL ABOUT the "thing" that we're doing. She would post videos if I let her! :D 8) It IS hard, but a lot of fun, and MAYBE the beginning is harder, but I think it's a thing that stays hard to do. But some of us LOVE it, so we're going to stick with it!

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Re: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Jul 14, 2018 11:40 pm

Our outlook has improved a lot since Tuesday. I was very brave and asked Monday evening for feedback on why I got rejected for something, and even though some of us had a hard time with it, others saw the logic in the decision, and can accept it.

We’re also coping well with the husband’s injury. He might not need surgery-we found that out on Tuesday, and will find out more next week after the imaging is done.

But, of course, another issue has come up—only this is more of a long-term helping a spouse understand DID kind of thing. It turns out that giving Nadia a new job in the system was a bigger chamge than I realized. She is much more on the inside now, and I don’t really know what she’s doing—I can’t feel it much at all (someone is saying: “She’s taking care of the babies, dummy, like we decided!”). There is occasionally a vague sense of being worried, but it fades quickly.

Well, the upshot is that without Nadia so close and co-conscious, and often taking over, we are MUCH less perfectionistic, much less worried about how people will react to us, less worried about doing the wrong thing socially, etc. And one of the results is that we’re feeling brave enough to tackle difficult issues with the husband—less scared to let him interact with a part that doesn’t like him, and not feeling apologetic or ashamed that she exists.

This has been kind of hard on him (although he catches on fast). The parts have always been hidden enough that they seemed like mood changes, and he’s used to thinking that whatever I’m saying is how all of me feels at that moment. Not just part of me. So when a part that doesn’t like to be touched is in front and expressing herself, he starts thinking that I’m saying I never want him to touch me again. I’m not sure how to get him to remember that, for example, there’s still someone around in here that does like that (a lot!!). She’s just not in the front then.

It’s almost harder that the changes are subtle and that he can’t tell who is going to respond. And I don’t necessarily know—we’re so used to shifting quickly and pretending to be the same person all the time. It’s scary to think about trying not to do that with him.

I’m going to be finding him posts to read, by and about spouses/SOs dealing with this, but any advice or reassurance would be helpful. My T said I’m on the right track with all this, but it’s hard!!
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