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Building trust within the system

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Building trust within the system

Postby breakingfran88 » Thu Jan 18, 2018 2:19 am

Hi there, I am new to this forum, but decided to give it a try.
My main question here is, how does one build or grow trust within the system? It's difficult for me to trust one my others because at times, even when they do something with good intentions, sometimes the desired results backfire, and then I do not find out until it's too later in the week or so and then I basically have to pick up the pieces. I have been trying to set more boundaries and rules but it has proven incredibly hard to get everyone in the same boat. I would like, as the Host, to be able to get everyone to trust each other but more so, for me to be able to trust all of them as well. Any ideas or suggestions?

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Re: Building trust within the system

Postby birdsong87 » Thu Jan 18, 2018 12:08 pm

I think we are pretty good with this but I am not sure if I can explain it properly.
lets see if this makes sense...

first I had to lose my fear of getting hurt. cause that is a given. alters are just like people, mistakes happen. it sucks. but trying to protect myself has not increased trust in the system.
I found that it all started with me trusting first when I had no reason for it at all.
you know how a self-fulfilling prophecy works? people become the way you treat them. I treat them with trust and they became more trustworthy.

next thing we did was eliminate the option of punishment. yes, things will go wrong. but using punishment to stop them from going wrong makes people scared of the punishment. they only follow the rules out of fear of punishment, and they will do stuff the moment you turn away and can't see it. so the option of punishment does not help with trust at all. it is a tool of the abusers and doing that wont help parts to feel safe. scared people mess things up a lot more often than those who feel safe in their relationships.

we do work with consequences and relational repair. if someone failed they are welcome in the team as soon as they clean up their mess, with everyone who was hurt by it. this holds people/parts responsible for the pain they caused instead of just trying to control their behavior. it means that they need to develop empathy and know the others to learn what is hurting them, and then keep the others in mind whenever they do stuff.
it is a good way to support a team spirit within the system. it also makes everyone feel safer because we know that we can repair our mistakes and dont have to hide them.

we are trying to create freedom for everyone. super scary at first because it is freedom to mess up. it is also freedom to choose connection. what we offer each other for freedom is trust, relationships, support and a better life. our main rule is not to hurt the connection to anyone in the system. experiencing that this is safe is what increases trust. it has to grow.

even the experience of someone cleaning up the mess they made helps to build trust because it means they won't make the same mistake again.

all this works really well for us. but it starts with someone brave enough to trust before others haven proven themselves worthy of it. it means risking to get hurt. and then not lash out, but start explaining the whole concept again until finding allies who want to join the trust project.

we know nobody else who is doing it this way. so listen to what the others have to say. this is just our perspective.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: Building trust within the system

Postby IainEtc » Thu Jan 18, 2018 5:03 pm

Nice work birdsong.

The thing Host had to get was that he's not dealing with adults here. Evan wants to do the right thing but he's 7. He gets scared or just doesn't know stuff. Iain's knows a lot of stuff but he's 14 so he's not going to react like an adult. Just the way it is. Some things we can change. Some things we can't. Everybody's got limits. Try to stay inside them. Don't ask Iain to make a choice between a Nintendo and a retirement plan.

Colin
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: Building trust within the system

Postby MakersDozn » Thu Jan 18, 2018 7:14 pm

Hi L,

birdsong87 wrote:next thing we did was eliminate the option of punishment.[...]we do work with consequences and relational repair. if someone failed they are welcome in the team as soon as they clean up their mess, with everyone who was hurt by it. this holds people/parts responsible for the pain they caused instead of just trying to control their behavior. it means that they need to develop empathy and know the others to learn what is hurting them, and then keep the others in mind whenever they do stuff.


What do you do with someone who insists on continuing to make a mess? Someone whose behavior affects the whole system, even if the person isolates? Someone who deliberately sabotages? Someone who refuses to develop empathy because it would interfere with the person's goal of self-protection and self-preservation at all costs? Someone who sees the others in the system as a liability and a threat to self-preservation?

Not having such a person join the team may be useful in some situations. But if the person doesn't want to join the team, it won't be much of a consequence for that individual. And it doesn't prevent the rest of the system from being hurt by that person's behavior.

What are your thoughts about this?

MDs
Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 57f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

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Re: Building trust within the system

Postby birdsong87 » Thu Jan 18, 2018 7:41 pm

we have only had "mild" cases of that.
learning why they would do all that was helpful. it made us realize that the part was stuck in trauma time and lacked some information about todays reality.

in a confrontation we tend to be extra nice to parts who try to harm us. and use nonviolent communication. it is kind of scary to do that, but the technique is often used in dangerous situations with dangerous people. if they cant have empathy with us we will just have empathy with them and see if that keeps us from harm.

but we are pretty good at not allowing them to front. so we can limit the harm done to the body and our life. if someone wants to isolate themselves they can do it inside.

isolation is the consequence of choice for us. but we keep the offer up that they could come and clean up their mess any time. we haven't heard from some of the "darker" parts in a long time. they chose the isolation and we are not in a fight with them.

what we do works for us and our constellation of personalities in the system. we believe in the non-violent approach.
we sometimes, like twice a year, have sh happening and we cannot tell who is responsible. maybe someone we are not connected with. we will just have to live with this and hope that we will find them soon.

So far we got first Asti, then Thamara, then Danielle and lately HannaH away from harming the body.
the first key has always been showing empathy and then finding the cognitive error. there has always been at least one.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: Building trust within the system

Postby MakersDozn » Thu Jan 18, 2018 9:07 pm

birdsong87 wrote:the first key has always been showing empathy and then finding the cognitive error. there has always been at least one.


This is similar to our T's approach, although she draws from a number of therapeutic styles. We've always resisted the cognitive approach, for reasons that are better left to a separate thread.

Thanks for the feedback. It helps. We just have to bring ourselves to the point we're we're open to using it.

MDs
Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 57f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

Frequent: Charity (25), Mary (23), Laura (17.5), Allegra (17), Cass (17)
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Re: Building trust within the system

Postby contentbrace » Thu Jan 18, 2018 9:13 pm

As with anything, if the problem is I have the tendency to lose control and needed to show it then this is what it take to heal it. I think you can look at team building as starting point for healing, but after that you have to master the research with your therapist preferably. I know that involves money, but if you are the wiling type and have brought into I got to know what happened and know this goes into social and occupational functioning then you should be fine. It becomes routine you understand a variety of people and systems of the world then it makes sense to utilize the world's example. The inner workings can provide great clarity. There has to be an emphasize on some things are DID normal. If you are determined then that helps, it isn't a quick thing and usually isn't for the squismish.
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Re: Building trust within the system

Postby comevuoi » Fri Jan 19, 2018 12:58 am

I'm trying to learn to build trust in my system too. The young ones have been ignored or pushed away for so long they're having trouble saying anything at all. We're making progress though. This forum has really helped a lot in a short amount of time. I watch how others talk to/talk about their parts and it helps me frame/reframe my way of thinking and talking to my parts.
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Re: Building trust within the system

Postby Menagerie » Sat Jan 20, 2018 6:55 am

I just want to say thank you to everyone posting here. I've a lot to think about and this thread is helpful to me. I am new with this too.
A menagerie of one. Some of us are Michelle, Chris, Kathryn, Sarah, Bobby, Lisa, Christie, Krystal, D.
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Re: Building trust within the system

Postby Una+ » Sat Jan 20, 2018 3:05 pm

breakingfran88 wrote:at times, even when they do something with good intentions, sometimes the desired results backfire, and then I do not find out until it's too later

To me this does not sound like a trust problem, it sounds like a communication problem. Greater co-consciousness would help, so you know what is going on as it happens. Until you get to that level of co-consciousness, you might try a daily debrief meeting where you find out how everyone's day went. Even if at first the others do not all participate at first, they may eventually join in.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.

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