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keep on keeping on

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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Tue Dec 04, 2018 9:46 am

we tried the hypnosis exercise in bed, to help us fall asleep. it was difficult to enter full focus with a monkey mind so we just did it as general imagery exercise. sleep was ok. considering the time of year it was great.
our doc just raised the thyriod hormones because of progressing hashimoto. he said that the inflammation in our finger joints, that looks just like arthritis, can be a side effect of the hashimoto flaring up. it would explain why the blood tests kept coming back showing inflammation in the body and why the body kept feeling so sick. he said that we might need time to adapt to the new dosage.
it's a good point and I will keep observing it.
but I also know that Asti has had this the first few days back from the therapy clinic. she almost went nuts. I hope she will reflect on what is happening later today. then we can bring it to therapy and ask the T about it.

(the T in the clinic mentioned agitated depression. gotta have to look into that)
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Thu Dec 06, 2018 11:45 am

I feel lonely today. the constant pain is getting to me. my finger joints are swollen and hurting, so I'm working with a work voice programme again.

told a friend of mine about my struggle with the pain and with having an autoimmune disease that is destroying my body. it was very vulnerable an honest. who responds was that I should eat gluten-free and low carb and try essential oils. I don't have a problem with Gluten, that is just a trend, one of those ridiculous food trends. my body struggles to digest fat and protein, I cannot eat low carb. essential oils are not medicine, they can actually make conditions a lot of words. why do I have to listen to that kind of advice from someone who's obviously not a doctor.

would hit me most is there she avoided my vulnerability, refused to sit with me, and instead took the easy path I've just giving random advice.

I am starting to get mad, seriously mad with people who created causality will there is just random coincidence. little Bear is doing the same. whenever there is a small change likes or dislikes he looks for some random changes that happened at the same time and then attributes one to the other without rhyme or Reason. we have studied psychology, which is the science of the human psyche, so we learnt how to use a scientific approach and I'm just so sick and tired of randomly created casualty there is offered when I wanted some empathy.

I had another stress dream about my family. I walked into a trap in church on Christmas night. my mother had become like her mother, hysteric and slightly psychotic, and very dramatic. followed me back to my home but somehow I was able to lock them out. I hate those family dreams and I'm never sure how much of it is Inner world stuff. we are back to expecting ran into family members whenever we leave our home. it makes grocery shopping very stressful. I keep seeing people who kind of look like my mother.

I feel sad and I'm not even sure why, just feel the need for Comfort. life is lonely because there are so few people I can talk to about the DID and trauma in general. I am not doing well when I'm left alone with all that. we are doing our best to organise life but at the same time it feels like focus on outside activity is just a form of avoidance of my emotions and other things that are going on inside. I feel so damn unhappy. and maybe it is Christmas coming up. I don't want to decorate, I can't bake because my hands are hurting so badly. I can't buy gifts because finances are so tight and I can't expect gifts because I cut contact with family and my friends are busy busy with their own families. we will yet again go to the safe house and spend some days alone. this year was terrible, just plain terrible, and I wanted to end, fast, without wasting any time on celebrating something. I don't have a celebration within me
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby BeccaBee » Thu Dec 06, 2018 12:43 pm

we hear you birdsong. we want the new year to come too. just poof. old year over.

we hope your hands get better soon.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Thu Dec 06, 2018 1:36 pm

the Littles are not coping well, they are actually pretty aggressive. I think it is expression of their disappointment and sadness about the whole situation. a lot of disappointment about Christmas and the whole year because it was not a nice year. it is difficult to support them because they want to stay angry and destroy decoration and just be really mean. I am seriously considering doing a Grinch party for all of us instead of Christmas.

it feels weird, to see Maya act out violently and knowing that it is mostly disappointment she refuses to be comforted or even to pick something extra in the store. she is just all rejection an anger and upset. I am not sure how to handle the situation so I would just tried to give us a nice day
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby fireheart » Thu Dec 06, 2018 3:37 pm

The Grinch party idea sounds super fun! I would like to come to a Grinch party. As long as there is hot chocolate.

Sorry that the littles are struggling. :(
Nice days are definitely good, and also letting it out.
Maybe they could safely do some destroying - within limits?
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Thu Dec 06, 2018 4:16 pm

the new arthritis gloves reduce the pain. to some degree.

I chose to act opposite to the impulse of action and bought candles and winter fruit and christmas cookies. and made it really nice and chrismassy.
cause if they riot because of disappointment... maybe I can help meet a need.
we can still have a Grinch party because that is actually funny. but I will try to solves this without frustated Littles destroying the stuff they actually WANT just because of stress and disappointment,
it's been a while since it has been so bad for them. we need to make extra sure to discuss our days and make room for rest and fun. this is a warning sign.
I am not sure how we will manage. Asti is on the other side going nuts because she can't keep up with important tasks...
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sat Dec 08, 2018 12:54 pm

I am pretty confused and I feel like crying. i always thought that I don't have anything to do with trauma but after the last conversation with the T... damn.
It's not sexual trauma or any of the crazy $#%^ some of the littles know. it's just what life was like in our home. And I never thought of that as traumatic. It was just the way things were done. and I adapted by getting good at doing stuff, being independent, being organized and high functioning.
in T we tried to find out why I am so beside myself right now and the T said it sounds like the pain in our hands is triggering something. it does.

****trigger warning**** cold
This has been "tradition" for so long I can't remember when it started. We lived in this huge house that was all windows at the back of the house, full pamorama view into the garden. Before christmas the mother always sent me out to clean the windows. often with temperatures below freezing, sometimes i was standing in snow. she stood inside to point out every spot that was left after the first two times of cleaning, so I could polish it some more. cleaning water freezing on my unprotected hands. I know that when this started I actually had to take out a stool with me because I couldn't reach the upper third of the window. the body was always really tall, we must have been pre-teen when we stood there in the snow, fingers like ice, polishing. to make it beautiful for christmas. cause you can't decorate windows that aren't perfectly spotless.
**** end trigger warning****

the last time I did this for the mother was 2013. it has always been my task. I never thought it was weird. that year I actually did a 10 hour cleaning marathon to make it all presentable for when the siblings arrive... a few weeks later the system crashed, we lost a host and L came thru the fog.

I never realized that this stuff was a form of abuse. who sends a pre-teen out into the snow to clean windows for the adults? but it never felt weird. and I somehow took the pain as part of yet another task that needs to be done. now that the hands are hurting, even without me working anything... stuff comes up. and I start to question what is normal. and i run into quite a few beliefs that I always took for granted but that might be horrible trauma patterns.
L wants me to relax and not take chores so seriously. I feel like this situation is somehow crushing me. I can't even think how this could be different. how it might not be necessary to push thru physical pain to finsih tasks. because if it isn't necessary, if it never was, what was I doing all these years?
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby NyxX » Sat Dec 08, 2018 3:17 pm

For us it's stuff like that that is the worst for us because it's somehow easier to deal with the other stuff. Like if we can point to it and say that was bad and should never have happened it was wrong we know we need to heal from it. But the stuff that was just normal and accepted by us we don't even realise how harmful it was and that make its more dangerous to us now because we are more likely to get stuck in that thinking and not try to change it. I'm sorry your dealing with this now.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby fireheart » Sat Dec 08, 2018 5:46 pm

I'm sorry to hear you went through that, Asti. It makes a lot of sense for the pain to trigger you now.

I also have a lot of memories that I think are just normal, until I tell someone and they act like I just told them something horrifying. It's confusing and disorienting at times. I think I still look at it from the perspective of - then -, and if you are able to look at it with the perspective from - now - you can see that it's not normal. Like you wrote: "Who sends a pre-teen out into the snow to clean windows for the adults?"

I hope you can take it easy.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby puppieskittens » Sun Dec 09, 2018 7:49 am

Why didn't your mom have you wear gloves? I don't find it strange for her to ask you to clean the windows if you were tall and able....but no gloves?

Maybe she didn't understand how cold your hands were (she should have).

My dad was abusing me a lot and yet my mom was strangely oblivious to all of it. When I told her as an adult, she believed me and kept saying..."how could I have been so stupid?"
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