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keep on keeping on

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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby NyxX » Mon Oct 01, 2018 8:34 pm

The baby in the incredible 2 is really epic (he has powers in the first film but you only see them a little bit.) He is a boy and I think he is called Jack-Jack and the strongest superhero of them all.
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We might mention Ozalces he is our SO he made an account but doesn't use it much
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Tue Oct 02, 2018 10:33 am

hey MDs, I am glad this helped you so much. it sounds very empowering!

D is helping a lot with figuring out things. she is not a kid and it is easier, even though she can't find words for everything. we are looking for tactile stimulation that is calming, it seems what she tends to seek already. the T has a collection of stones on his desk and she likes one of those, maybe we can ask if we can take it. he already offered but it didn't seem important back then. she likes heavy things too. like the weighted blanket.

they do a guided imagery here where you imagine wearing some kind of cloak that is protective, like something you could find in the magic store. D wants her cloak to be blue like our blanket and have many pockets with heavy weights in it. she knows exactly what is grounding her. and it is different from the usualy DBT skills. I really hope the T will get that. and get that she doesn't have the social skills to even understand how manipulation works.

I talked to the nurse to skip autogenic training today and have some extra time where we can have D use the weighted blanket and ear plugs in the room where it doesn't drive Annett all crazy, to see if we can work with low-sensory breaks to stabilize her.
yesterday Annett did some kickboxing with D, focussing on keeping the defense up. it is hard for her to learn, to move, left, right, and return the hands to defense in front of the face. but it helped her to understand that she can put something between herself and the stimulation from the outside world. that on the inside she needs to keep her hands up, so to speak, to create a defense so that the noises won't come to her like blows.
that was super helpful.
I miss our sand tray. we brought some of our items but not the complete box. it would come in handy right now.

the head nurse is looking for things to brighten my mood. I am pretty depressed, sad, tired of the struggles. maybe... just maybe I can go swimming tomorrow. I need to take care of me every once in a while. I can hardly remember how that works.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host); Mike (caregiver); Asti (co-host, achiever); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Thamara (child); Danielle; and others
our blog on resources: www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Oct 03, 2018 4:44 am

I'm always interested in hearing about your days at the clinic. It sounds like overall you guys are making a lot of progress.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Wed Oct 03, 2018 9:15 am

we also hit the wall real hard!
looks like I will take over today and do something fun with the kids.

D got triggered during the group session. L kind of handled it with her. But the same $#%^ got triggered again later that day. D flooded L with the $#%^. like have her flopping and screaming on the bed instead of having a nap. Ds memories are crazy $#%^, most of it some kind of torture done to someone.
and L gets all weird, dreamlike when it comes to sticking to a plan. instead of going to the nurse she brushed it off, went to art therapy and
and she painted a pic about her cutting her wrists. she then started to change it to turn the feeling around. but every good art therapist would have paid attention to that, right? she didn't even look!
she also created a model of the torture room from paper and folded it into itself, sealed it to contain it and even went to find some string to bind it in place. I mean, great containment. but the ######6 art therapist didn't even ask what she was doing there. she stopped her when we left and told her to take more time to create art becase its an important resource.
I wonder if anyone told that person what we have and that we are kind of busy keeping things going and art is the last thing we needed that evening?
I told the night nurse, the one with the cool hair.
and obviously L is still inside recovering.
I wonder if I should write the T again, just to make sure he understands the situation. he was really rough with D and unfair. and I don't want him to think she did it on purpose or to manipulate. D doesn't have a manipulative bone in her body. she was overwhelmed.

it is raining so I can't take maya to the sheep, they won't be outside. but there is an art room that isn't used much and maybe she can play with colors. I want them out of Ls way so she can recover quickly. seems like the nurses don't like seeing me too much...
wonder where Asti is. you call "trauma memory!" and she is gone. faster than lightening. she can't keep doing that forever.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host); Mike (caregiver); Asti (co-host, achiever); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Thamara (child); Danielle; and others
our blog on resources: www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby MakersDozn » Wed Oct 03, 2018 10:16 am

We're really sorry about this, Annett. It concerns us that the staff aren't picking up on such obvious signals. We hope that you do contact the T.

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Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 56f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

Frequent: Charity (25), Mary (23), Laura (17.5), Allegra (17), Cass (17)
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Wed Oct 03, 2018 3:24 pm

looks like we are not obvious. we always tell people to believe our words more than what we look like. cause we struggle to show our trouble, to the secod that we break down. and then look like nothing happened shortly after a switched solved it all.

Annett did the morning duty, more or less, and I guess the nurse thought she was cheeky and turned her down. it is kind of difficult to read us... she can get as blunt as me when someone says something stupid. the nurse asked if "everything is ok". of course not! when A indicated that there is trouble the nurse just said to call for help if we need it and left it at that. fat chance that A will talk to her again :roll: cause we have trust to spare on forgiving nurses misinterpretations...

I took the afternoon shift, published an article :oops: thought we wouldn't while inpatient but it turnes out to be good coping when L is not around and shouldn't be bothered. the afternoon nurse was ok, I had a short chat.
I think we will manage. just not sure who will take part in therapy tomorrow. probably me in the trauma group and me again for body work. yay body work! /o\
it's a little rough but I am almost sure that if we don't bring it up as a topic we won't be pushed to talk about it.
we wouldn't have anything good to say about that art T. she is not the brightest candle on the cake.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host); Mike (caregiver); Asti (co-host, achiever); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Thamara (child); Danielle; and others
our blog on resources: www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Tue Oct 09, 2018 10:14 am

We managed to contain the stuff D brought up well enough. The Ts all slowed down for us, not pushing at all. They are smart. They won't allow us to push too hard. They don't push. When we do they just won't join us there, refusing to assist us while we are pushing too hard.

I work hard with the body work T to find a place of serenity. We didn't call it relaxation. It is more the idea of arriving at healthy vigilance and not pushing, not being so driven all the time. Serenity is a strange thing to me. I am not sure I understand it all that well. But L does. In some ways. So I am trying my best (and that is probably already pushing too hard!)
the homework for the weekend was to do no therapy work inside at all. And we managed that. Just movies and chocolate and sleep.
The Littles are back to totally exhausted sleep anyway... If I try to push, considering that... I guess it means that I have to slow down? We are missing something when the Littles are down with exhaustion.

The clinic will send us into disability pension when we return home. It is limited to 2 years. But it means that we are not aiming for the work program anymore. It means giving us a break of not even trying to get well enough to work. Time set apart for therapy, stability and having a life. To get L back to wanting to live by offering her a life that is more than systemwork and trauma. In a weird way this decision is taking a lot of pressure from me. I knew there was a time limit to the work program and I tried too hard to get us fit within this time limit. It is gone now. Let's see if I can relax a little more if there is no plan, no pressure on me to perform, nothing but the blog as a hobby.

L has been working with the T to find ways for D to not react to sounds and sensory stimulation so hard. The work Annett did with her, raising boundaries inside so the sensation won't overwhelm her, is working a little bit. The T said we should practice mindfulness with her, as a form of desidentification. So she can learn that he hears a sound and feels a sensation, but she is not the sensation, she is more than that. No success with that yet. He says it needs practice but I am not sure if you can teach an autistic teen not to be the sensation...

they also work hard on orientation for H. It is a family birthday today, followed by a difficult date. I am fronting while L works with H inside.
They are building a new place inside. In the center room there is a huge clock and the current date, so that everyone can see it and know what time it is and what year. To the left of it there is a long hallway. A long one. It will get pictures from our life. Like a life line, just in huge. A meter for a month of our life. Which makes it a really long hallway. It is supposed to help us to stay oriented when memories come up. And for the kids to see that a long LONG time has passed since stuff happened. Then L can take them for a walk down the hall, from whenever they got stuck, explaining the things that have happened in the meantime, showing them pics of how our life developed, arriving in the present. Whenever a kid brings up a memory that feels like NOW, we can help them see how far down the hall that really happened and that it is really far away from the huge clock and the now. L said she might also build a hallway on the other side of the clock. For me. Because I always worry about the future and plan all kinds of things. It could have sketches of what I think might happen in the near future and the rest is dark, to show me that I can't plan for everything and worrying all the time won't help when the future cannot be controlled. Thanks a lot. I wonder if that would help.
Anyway... the T guided the imagery of the jumping box that the kids like so much (you can find it on the blog, it's fun containment) and we thought that maybe the hallway could have a containment box that jumps from the room with the clock all the way down to the place in our past where the memory belongs, so the kids don't have to go there, but they can see how far away the box had to go. To make sure they know it is over.
I feel like I am talking too much with little structure...
I think the clock room and the hallway is a good idea. When the T heard our first thoughts about it he had a spark in his eyes. He keeps such a neutral face in many situations, but you can see when he thinks that we said something smart and that he enjoys working with smart people...

not everything he says or tries works. He had L imagine she had full amnesia that erased all her identity(s) and I think it was to show her that she would feel bad about leaving our life behind. Or something like that. It didn't work at all. She was close to tears, admitting that she would like that, a new brain, a new identity, inventing herself from start, a new life. She was close to being swallowed by her deathwish for a moment. She is not happy. The T changed the topic really fast. I bet this intervention only works with people who love their life? We still haven't figured out what he thought this should show us...

Sometimes T appointments are so weird! L shared about her struggles with family, no contact, doubt and that she can't put together the puzzle of trauma memory and the normal memories with family. Second time they had the conversation, we are cycling between a couple of them... and she told him into his face that she is in denial of the terrible stuff and it means that while she can't acknowledge the truth she still tries to put together the puzzle pieces of our experience and it doesn't fit. Cause it can only fit if she stops the denial of our families involvement. And because it doesn't fit she prefers to think of herself as crazy, lazy or whatever else it is today. We have pointed this out to her before. That acceptance could end her struggles. But she is not ready to not deny. Looking at the situation with open eyes. Usually a T would lead to that realization thru questions. She basically stopped all that by explaining it herself. But it doesn't change anything. She is still not ready to accept the truth. She is not that for from H in this. H struggles to accept that times have changed and she does not have this important role anymore. That she has already lost the world she knew, where she was someone important. She keeps up old patterns, in thoughts and actions, clinging to something that isn't real anymore. Some of it was never real to begin with, it was lies by the abusers, stories, symbols, not real. Its kind of having the one eyed lead the blind, having L show H our history. But maybe they will both get something out of it...
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host); Mike (caregiver); Asti (co-host, achiever); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Thamara (child); Danielle; and others
our blog on resources: www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Tue Oct 09, 2018 10:18 pm

birdsong87 wrote:They are building a new place inside. In the center room there is a huge clock and the current date, so that everyone can see it and know what time it is and what year. To the left of it there is a long hallway. A long one. It will get pictures from our life. Like a life line, just in huge. A meter for a month of our life. Which makes it a really long hallway. It is supposed to help us to stay oriented when memories come up. And for the kids to see that a long LONG time has passed since stuff happened. Then L can take them for a walk down the hall, from whenever they got stuck, explaining the things that have happened in the meantime, showing them pics of how our life developed, arriving in the present. Whenever a kid brings up a memory that feels like NOW, we can help them see how far down the hall that really happened and that it is really far away from the huge clock and the now.


I really like this idea, and it might be really helpful for us. For the reasons you listed, but also for a sort of opposite reason. We have at least one little who basically showed up in the present, not having been around for most of our life. He feels really disconnected from the past and liked it then. Maybe the fact that the past is connected to now and that we can show him how it's connected (by taking him for a walk down the hall), will help ground him somewhat. Maybe we can even have imagery of him moving the furniture and toys from his old room and setting it up in the present.

I'll go read about the jumping box also--that sounds interesting!

It's good to hear that things are going well (in terms of progress and also taking time to rest).
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Wed Oct 10, 2018 5:16 am

I guess the hall will give us a more structured approach to telling everyone about our life. we'v done it before, just a lot harder to remember it all...

we are in the middle of 2 difficult days. H lost it for a while last night. repeating old instructions over and over again. combined with urges to harm us the way traitors need to be harmed.
it took us a while to even get our attention, she was in something like a trance state, inside.
Asti found her a video with running horses to draw her attention to the utside world. we then managed some of those "whose hand is it" exercises to make sure she knows that if she harms the body she really harms herself too. she didn't know those moves she was taught were lethal. and she didn't know that harming the body would harm us so much, we have other inside bodies, right? uhm...
so we promised to find her some horses, we do have friends who own some, tricky to arrange but not impossible. and traded the promise of horses for her impulses for dangerous self-harm.
biggest thing was to orient her in the body.
I am wondering if that should come before orienting in time and space. cause somehow orienting in time and space seems to be less effective if she is not oriented in the body...
I am sure Asti will make all that a blog post and pretend like she knew this all along :lol:

I feel tired, sleep wasn't great, and scared of the new day. expecting a flood of flashbacks.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host); Mike (caregiver); Asti (co-host, achiever); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Thamara (child); Danielle; and others
our blog on resources: www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:25 am

they spoke lightly of heavy topics today at group therapy
when it was all about major dissociative disorders
I am so deeply unhappy.
I want to curl up under a bush in the nearby forest and just die there.
and I don't want the next nurse to try to cheer me up. or distract me. or do whatever.
I am done with all that. I just want to curl up and wait until it gets easier or I am dead.
Mike is with me, trying to be a comforting presence.
sometimes I reach the end of the rope too.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host); Mike (caregiver); Asti (co-host, achiever); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Thamara (child); Danielle; and others
our blog on resources: www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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