Our partner

keep on keeping on

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Johnny-Jack

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby Eliseahorse » Fri Nov 27, 2020 10:11 pm

I just want to say keep at it birdsong. You are making huge progress xxx
Body 31
Co-concious system known collectively as Eli
M 30
M24
F10
F31
NB19
2 partially integrated alters
Peter (7)
Unknown
User avatar
Eliseahorse
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 65
Joined: Fri Oct 30, 2020 12:04 pm
Local time: Fri Jan 22, 2021 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sat Dec 05, 2020 2:38 pm

We started with our exercise of figuring out what we really want and values separate from family ideas and traditions. thinking is fine. When we made our first attempt to act differently we got into trouble.
someone inside started singing a very specific song, one the grandmother used to sing. often when we were 'misbehaving'. It made Asti feel urges to punish. she withstood, cause if she is good at anything it is not following impulses... next morning the arthritis and facial pain was strong in us... there is also a weird sleeping pattern going on but it has been going on for weeks now, so probably unrelated.

our T suspects programming, because that makes a lot of sense given the song and the impulses that followed. that is how far we can follow her. she also thinks that the pain is part of the programming.
that we are not sure of. Does it happen because we don't self-punish? or does it happen because of the stress and tension that not following the impulses creates in our body?

we thought we observed that the pain comes with stress. the T wants us to double check the chain of events. we do remember events when we broke family rules and the pain came very suddenly. Like even just this week, when we finally asked someone to connect our stove. it took less than a minute from asking to facial pain from hell. our very first session with our current T our hands were so swollen from arthritis we couldn't shake hands. Seeking help is high on the list of pain-triggers.
but is it the pain of stress or a pain program?
we have some memory concerning the facial pain and torture but no idea what it was about.

we are reminded of our picture of the museum of memories, where we collect the bones of fragments of memory. but we have no clue how they fit together and if they even belong to the same dinosaur.
the only thing we are pretty sure of is that we are not thoroughly programmed. not like systems we know who can't make a step without stumbling over another program that almost kills them.

I feel pretty overwhelmed. we even switched twice during the session because I couldn't focus.
the Littles only want a nice christmas time and I tend to agree.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3894
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:20 am
Local time: Fri Jan 22, 2021 4:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Dec 05, 2020 7:04 pm

That sounds like really tough stuff. I guess more knowledge is better--you can only change things when you know what you're even trying to change. But it sounds overwhelming. I hope you can have a nice Christmas time.
TheGangsAllHere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3989
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 4:15 am
Local time: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:07 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby Amythyst » Sat Dec 05, 2020 7:04 pm

we hope you & the Littles are able to have nice holidays like you all want & deserve.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Viola(17f); et cetera
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey Thread
User avatar
Amythyst
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3102
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 am
Local time: Fri Jan 22, 2021 10:07 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby fireheart » Sat Dec 05, 2020 10:04 pm

You write about it quite concisely and probably more observing will bring more clarity. It's kind of like those paleonthologists, at first you don't know which dinosaur is which, but over time you can start to see which things connect.

The bones don't change, the insight does. Christmas first.
fireheart
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1005
Joined: Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:37 pm
Local time: Fri Jan 22, 2021 4:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Tue Dec 08, 2020 5:47 pm

Not gonna lie, we were knocked on our ass for a bit there.

We dropped the programming topic and focused fully on stabilizing. food, drink, sleep, pain management. the pain is going through the roof and that might not be a coincidence.
we got some real sleeping pills to help us restore basic rhythm.

today feels a lot more stable already. Enough for Asti to write a bit for the blog, which does take quite a bit of mental energy. I will give it a few more days until tackling the practical exercise our T told us to do. It seems easier to just do that and not think about conditioned responses too much. It is something we need to observe long-term to figure it out. No need to work ourselves up over it.
It feels a bit like putting on blinders to avoid seeing too much of reality but well. if the exercise works that would give us relief and proof and we wouldn't even have to drive ourselves nuts over doubt.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3894
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:20 am
Local time: Fri Jan 22, 2021 4:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Tue Dec 08, 2020 6:33 pm

Blinders have a purpose--which is to enable functioning when it would be impossible without them, and to allow one to focus on what is immediately important. As long as you're aware that you're making use of them, and you're not pretending long-term that the rest of reality doesn't exist, it's an approach that makes sense.

What is the exercise, if you feel comfortable talking about it?
TheGangsAllHere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3989
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 4:15 am
Local time: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:07 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Tue Dec 08, 2020 6:55 pm

if there is a conditioned chain of actions like
'misbehaving' -> part sings specific song -> other part responds to song with urges to punish

and possibly -> not doing the punishment -> someone start to increase pain levels

then we change the whole chain by addressing the song.
In this case, coming up with silly lyrics to replace the old, maybe change the melody a bit.
then engage the part whose job it is to sing (they are usually Littles), teach them the silly version to sing instead
no more chain of actions because the punishing part has nothing to respond to.

that is a very basic intervention for programming
that is why our T wants us to pay attention to the specific chain that is happening inside. That gives us the ability to stop it in different places.
Other options would be to change the definition of punishment for the punishing part. replace it with something harmless that is still convincing for them. Or negotiate the intensity of pain needed for punsihment etc.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3894
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:20 am
Local time: Fri Jan 22, 2021 4:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby IainEtc » Wed Dec 09, 2020 3:00 pm

Good ideas birdsong. Let us know how it goes. We're reading your stuff.

Iain & Colin
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, & Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
User avatar
IainEtc
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4372
Joined: Thu Mar 20, 2014 6:34 pm
Local time: Fri Jan 22, 2021 10:07 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sat Dec 12, 2020 4:35 am

it is dawning on me that it will take some time to figure things out...
I re-wrote the song with silly lyrics and started singing it to maybe get the attention of the part who is usually singing the original version. no idea if that is getting through to them.
on the positive side: no part active that wants us to punish ourselves.
but the facial pain is real and present. it felt like it got worse when I started the new song but maybe its just because we didn't do enough self-care and there already was pain...
these experiements would be a lot more fun if they didn't lead to crazy pain all the time...
and a weird body-memory-like sensation on our throat, that we recognize as a threat to traitors.
my best guess is that I should change more about the melody too. why should it just be the lyrics that trigger someone.

we were up all night again. but I got some christmas cards done and that means a lot to me. usually our functioning is so low in december that nobody gets cards...

we still don't have news about the financial issue that came up. its the difference between a fun christmas and hoping for donations for gifts. and there is no telling when we will know, so we try not to spend anything at all.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3894
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:20 am
Local time: Fri Jan 22, 2021 4:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

PreviousNext

Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: ShadowsMoon and 74 guests