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keep on keeping on

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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby IainEtc » Wed Oct 07, 2020 8:14 am

Hi birdsong,

Sorry church is so complicated. And funerals. And insurance. I bet you can handle the appointments even if they are tricky. You're pretty smart. We're thinking of you and really really glad you're back writing here so we know how you're doing. :D

Good luck

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, & Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sun Oct 11, 2020 5:41 pm

I think this is another episode of depression.
the recent losses + the time of year
I am struggling more than I would like to admit with the leaving of the church. these people always felt like a safety net when things go bad. the leadership wasn't supportive, we still have our friends there, it shouldn't feel so big but it is a true loss. 16 years of our life spent there. we were even employed there. they let us go so easily.
then losing a close friend so suddenly. The realization is still not complete. somewhere in the grief process I shied away. It started feeling so unreal. ever since the funeral it feels like something broke.
now the health insurance ended their offer with the safehouse. I said goodbye this week. something else that feels like we lost people who had our back.
the feelings of separation, being cut off, forgotten and unimportant are growing. today a friend forgot we wanted to meet...
there are more impulses for a certain kind of self-harm from Asti. she isn't meaning harm, it is just how she copes with low functioning and not being focused on functioning. she has to make us function.
my motivation to do anything is gone. barely made it out of bed today. I am unable to think of the next week or make any plans.
I checked with the calendar and these are typically difficult days. some trauma stuff but also family birthday and all that. the dark season has begun. I am scared.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby IainEtc » Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:41 pm

Hi,

Sixteen years is a long time. I totally get why you're sad.

Stay safe.

Iain

Hi Asti,

We've always thought of you as a friend and really really want you to make it. Keep going ok? It will get better.

Iain Cody Colin
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, & Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Mon Oct 12, 2020 7:31 pm

we are trying out a new system where we plan the activities for the next day in more detail.
to help us have a reason to get up in the morning and to also put a lid on the having-to-function thing.
Asti is doing great not acting in old patterns even though the challenge is present.
I am exhausted. I don't want to reconnect with the others inside while the body hurts like this and I have so little capacity.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby IainEtc » Tue Oct 13, 2020 6:00 pm

Good job Asti!!!!! :D :D :D

Iain & Cody
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, & Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby MakersDozn » Wed Oct 14, 2020 12:22 am

Yep, good job, Asti.

And L, hope you get the rest that you need.

Hoping that your new idea for planning activities is a success.

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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Oct 14, 2020 1:35 am

Hope you can rest up, L.

Good work, Asti.

I would love to hear more about that system when/if you feel up to describing it more. If you have activities on the list but then don't feel like doing them when you get up, then what happens?

Or is it that the list will get done regardless of the impact on you, so with a list you can rest after that without feeling like you have to get more done?
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Wed Oct 14, 2020 6:35 pm

we are trying out variations. I notice that I need at least one proper task that is not daily chores that gets me out of bed. ideally with a soft deadline. today a friend came over at 2pm so it was clear that if I want to get anything done I needed to get up when the alarm rings.
for Asti it is important that the list has mandatory breaks to reconnect with body sensations and needs. she is also not allowed to put additional big tasks on the list for a day. if there is time and energy left it has to be spent on something more fun than chores.
Tomorrow I will sort through the wardrobe as a project. there is more renovation work to finish in the bathroom for next week. getting out of bed is insanely hard for me right now. it feels like so many winters felt, years ago.

the weakness in the system is that we have little control over who wakes up and fronts in the morning. sometimes the tasks that seemed good in the evening don't make sense in the morning. like yesterday, when Annett ended up fronting most of the day and she says Astis mindfulness breaks suck and my wardrobe plan sucked too... systems usually end up too rigid to meet the demands of life....
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sun Oct 18, 2020 5:32 pm

our T praised our abilities in teaching. and our psychological knowledge. In the context of a future job.
its one of the things from last session that we struggle with. mostly because it is coming from her, someone we highly respect for being extremely educated in that area. and its probably mixed with all the humiliation we got from out mother.
being seen and having our strengths be seen still doesn't feel safe.
thinking that she might have read something on the blog makes it worse.
it is not that we don't know our strength. its in the being recognized. it feels exposed and scary. and the recognition feels bigger because it is coming from someone who seriously knows the $#%^ we write about.
its the first time we wonder if maybe she believes in us. that is a whole new feeling.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
Consumer 6
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Posts: 3860
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:20 am
Local time: Tue Dec 01, 2020 1:04 am
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby IainEtc » Wed Oct 21, 2020 10:58 am

Hi birdsong,

Nothing feels as bad as when things go good.

We're just not set up for being valuable. Having someone praise us is like the scariest thing. We've tried really hard not to be good at anything - but not so bad we get in trouble. Sometimes Host gets sad thinking about what we could have done if we weren't so freaking dedicated to being nothing special. One time a teacher thought we should get this scholarship to a really cool school. We wanted it a lot but being looked at made us fall apart - so they gave the scholarship to somebody else.

We want you guys to be ok (so we'll just very quietly say that you helped us a whole lot and we think you're really cool).

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, & Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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IainEtc
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Posts: 4320
Joined: Thu Mar 20, 2014 6:34 pm
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