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keep on keeping on

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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun Sep 20, 2020 7:18 am

Sorry, I can be a bit silly sometimes... It's just that, I know that *I* tend to forget the obvious so I assume it happens to other people too. ^^; I hope I did not upset you. If I did, I apologize.

--Zami--
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

Going through a reconfiguration process. Present host: oOo van H. oOo (he/him)

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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sun Sep 20, 2020 3:06 pm

You did upset Asti. She has been in a couple of situations lately where people gave her beginners advice on an incredibly low level of knowledge and understanding and she gets furious. When she is in a good mood she replies with links to several articles she has published about it to make people feel stupid but also give them a chance to learn. in a bad mood she just gets passive-aggressive.

when we ask about things we have a background of years of experience and learning and the quick and easy answers are what we tried 9 years ago. the answers to things we, especially Asti, can't figure out are usually complex.
it seems to me that she really needs advice on how to front completely, since she only gets close enough to the front to sense a few things and do most things, but she is not embodied. None of the skills, DBT, body awareness, mindfulness, balance or yoga, body work tools etc we know is helping.
she does her therapy homework, but mostly to prove that it doesn't work either.

I struggle with the preparation for the funeral of my friend.
it is a forest funeral. people are not allowed to bring flowers or anything that doesn't belong in this forest. so the option is to pick up a leaf somewhere... his wife asked people to share little stories about him. we told her we can't, but I hope someone from the book club will. I couldn't just let it go without anyone mentioning what we had as a group.
I am scared. the strange girl Sinti has shown up again. she punished public displays of emotion. it is one of the things we learned in the abuser group, not to show emotions. she somehow manages to trigger pain. it seems like she can tolreate some when I am alone but showing anything on our face in public gets punished. I can't let my friend go with a still face. so I will get stronger pain killers tomorrow. thinking of the funeral scares me a lot. I need to say goodbye somehow and the options seem so limited. gonna talk about it with the T tomorrow.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Sep 20, 2020 6:13 pm

Are people wearing masks? If you have a mask on, and maybe sunglasses, no one can really see your face. Would Sinti be okay with the emotions that show then? I hope your T has some helpful ideas. :(
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Mon Sep 21, 2020 2:15 pm

our T is really good at being inclusive. she pointed out that Sintis mantra 'like a stone' can actually have its place, as a protector in case some of the people from my former church show up who can't respect boundaries at all. we did some digging to understand why this is a mantra, when it was learned and what purpose it serves.
I think we will need Annett close to the front as a first line of defense and then Sinti can be the second line of defense. that way she has a job and what she does best is used appropriately in the situation.
our T suggested a gauge like a traffic light to see when defenses will be needed.
When you ask Sinti she is needed the moment I cry. So... we obviously don't gauge things the same way and that is something we need to work on. I am so glad there is some trust in Annetts ability to protect us, so Sinti might not jump front with the first sign of sadness.
she does her 'stone' thing as a defense against manipulation, among other things. its the first time I understand this part of her.

in the end we can only do the best we can. I will try not to lose it during the memorial service. we can hide a bit in the forest for the funeral. need a face mask anyway, and an umbrella, so hiding should be possible.
I got us some of the strong painkillers today. a light opioid mixed with an antagonist. It should keep the pain down even if someone inside tries to use it as punishment. crying hurts in our face so badly... I am endlessly thankful we got serious meds for the funeral.
doing our best has to be the goal. we are just at the beginning of learning how to show emotions. I can't expect it to go perfectly.
our friend Sunshine, whose husband we will bury, offered to go there with us another time to say goodbye properly. It seems like a necessary idea now that we have negotiated as best we can. But we might also need the kids to see the funeral to understand things better.

today was so stressful, it is almost a good time to try the new meds to check how we respond to them... everything hurts.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sun Oct 04, 2020 12:16 pm

we got through the funeral well enough. took great care to keep distance and not get involved in conversation at church. its the church I left only a couple of weeks ago, the one we worked for before our big breakdown. the preaching reminded me why we left and confirmed that it was a good idea. it was the worst I have ever heard. that pastor is numbing his emotions so fully that he cannot offer comfort or support anymore. no empathy left. I know its his stress, burnout and the pressure he puts onl himself, but a rock would have been a better speaker for that day!
we ended up making the body 'like a stone' for Sinti but not the emotions. no one except maybe the pastor could see our face anyway.
In the end I was glad I got the opioid. it wasn't enough to keep the pain down and I had to add another fast-working painkiller to make it through the day. don't know where I would have been without it. probably the ER.
The rest of the book club people met for coffee and cake in my place. drinking something warm was so helpful, the others noticed it too. it was the best thing about the funeral and I am glad we did it.

ever since the funeral we are struggling with very low energy and a deep restlessness. everything is too boring but we can't sit still, and then can't get anything done.
Something came up. it felt like being utterly lost in a huge dark universe. total abandonment, loneliness, and everything around felt huge and empty. I think it was very early memory of neglect. it was too much for me so Asti took over. it seems like this triggered the depressed mood more than the funeral did.

we had a T session where we allowed her to lead a bit. so we shared more of our life than we usually do. she asked some good questions and pointed out some things we haven't noticed before. it is very rare for us to let her do classic therapy stuff of just talking about life. but she promised to help with the abandonment stuff that came up. now we are taking notes about our dreams and even Asti got a tiny bit engaged, talking through to others. she usually pretends nobody else is there and feels silly when she is supposed to interact.

the thing she pointed out is how strategically we were separated from our twin. it started at birth. and from age 3 when kindergarten starts here we were in separate groups, then different classes, different schools. she pointed out that this is not how it is normally done. It feels weird to see these strategic things that were done to disrupt any attachment. but these things are real and we know it. so it doesn't create doubt or denial. it is actually getting through to us that there was something wrong.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby MakersDozn » Mon Oct 05, 2020 1:45 am

Hi L,

We're glad that you made it through the funeral well and that your T was able to help you with therapy techniques that you usually don't use. And that the medications helped you.

It's unfortunate that you feel that you need to stop going to your church, but we're glad that you're doing what's best for you. Have you thought about when/if you will find another church, or is it too early for you to think about this?

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Mon Oct 05, 2020 9:50 pm

there is a more ...sober...? church about half a mile down the street I want to try.
it is smaller and it doesn't think they have a fancy calling other than being there for people.
but we agreed that we need to wait until there is a way to either treat covid properly or have a vaccine.
a room full of singing people is the last place I want to be right now.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon Oct 05, 2020 10:12 pm

Aren't many churches doing their services virtually over zoom? I know that synagogues are.

Allowing the T to lead?? Most of us are shuddering at the thought. :shock: :shock:
That never goes well for us, so I'm glad it worked for you.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Tue Oct 06, 2020 11:23 am

most of the more traditional churches here don't use a lot of modern technology or services.
I am done with everything that is not traditional for now.
their homepage is ancient and doesn't give any infos about the procedure.
I get their newsletter but it only said what to do when going there.
most modern churches I know use a youtube stream. zoom isn't used much. I will have to call them for more information. but talking on the phone is really difficult for me, especially when I am stressed
maybe Asti will do it?

I have to say goodbye to the people from our safehouse today. the insurance won't cover it any longer.
the whole week is full of tricky appointments. I am glad if we get though somehow.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby MakersDozn » Wed Oct 07, 2020 4:38 am

Thanks for answering our questions, L.

We're sorry that your insurance won't pay for the safehouse any longer.

Good luck with your appointments.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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