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keep on keeping on

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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Mon Jun 22, 2020 5:29 pm

I feel like a building crashed on top me of.
everything hurts. energy level are not existing.
the paper work lady emailed me with appointments she made with specialists within walking distance.
8 days. I was hoping it wouldn't be so soon.
I just want to cry.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby fireheart » Mon Jun 22, 2020 7:21 pm

*gently removes pieces of rubble that are on top of you*

I'm sorry things are so hard.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Tue Jun 23, 2020 7:13 pm

thanks

things are super confusing and we are not doing well with keeping co-consciousness.
so nobody really knows who talked to whom and then tries to respond to messages without knowing the history of that conversation
so we kind of figure out how to do the doc things while also constantly forgetting what day it is or getting it super wrong. how will we manage appointments when we can't remember what day it is for more than a few minutes?!
then I try to do the chores and food prep and Asti just spit out an almost perfect new blog post in the middle of this while I think how in hell does she do that when everyone is drifting and confused. but she is also confused and writing down $#%^ makes her feel like there is some order...
Annett is boiing with rage, I hope she won't eat any docs. its gonna be a marathon. thursday GP, friday cardiologist, monday back there, tuesday gyn doc and we totally lost count when to expect our period, wasn't it 3 days ago?

it is super stressful, it feels like everyone is trying to manage a different area, but all at the same time, so everything feels headless and freakish. and without access to the others memories a lot of it is guessing when one slips into the stupid position of having to figure out a problem that isn't theirs... like everyone is running in a different direction and ends up in all the wrong places.
I am still glad we will see the feale doctor before our next therapy session because it was not fair that Annett told the T when I really don't want to talk about it.
it looks crazy right now, but I think we will be fine and manage it just well. it only looks crazy on the inside. Outside all you can see is someone doing chores, making food, making appointments and writing stuff.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby MakersDozn » Tue Jun 23, 2020 10:12 pm

Hi L,

We hear you. What resonates with us is the feeling of ongoing (apparent) chaos after having developed communication that worked for so long.

We'll be thinking of you all during your series of appointments.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Thu Jun 25, 2020 1:53 pm

it is going to sound strange... but we are discussing taking a summer vacation from therapy.
the insurance stops covering the video chats since somehow peope act like the pandemic is over :evil:
and it is 4 hours of traveling in public transport for a therapy day. we are over-weight, our heart is acting up and we are poor, that makes 3 of the main risk factors to die of covid and we are not leaving the house!

we found some balance again after all the appointments were made and everything settled a bit.
I still don't want to talk to the T about our physical health.
I am tired and utterly exhausted. there are no topics to work on except our mistrust in women and why we don't want her any closer. I see a level of avoidance but I also see that we really, reallyreally need a break and a vacation.
temperatures are rising too, and I will not travel for 4 hours with 100+° outside! our heart doesn't even manage the higher 80s anymore.
taking july and august off would give us some time to recover, play games, celebrate with friends, figure out some things that make life happier. without wasting the limited therapy sessions the insurance does cover.
Asti and the joker would never allow a break if there was real avoidance driving it. we are so strict with outselves that emotional reasons don't count and running away is never allowed.
I made a list of things I will and will not support and I hope the others will join in that exercise. there is avoidance on the what I won't do list, but it is just some points and there are serious other points, like not dying of covid that we caught on a crowded train. not dying should count for something...

y'all will think I am crazy, things were so chaotic for a couple of days. but I really don't know how to keep going without a vacation. whenever I am asked what I want, nothing else comes to my mind anymore. this need has become big and painful.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Jun 26, 2020 8:17 pm

It sounds complicated. I can see several different sides. First of all, it's possible that your T could request an exception so that you could continue to have video chats covered by insurance. It does sound dangerous for you to go there in person at this point.

If that were the case, then maybe the others would have a case for continuing, since it does sound like avoidance (sorry) to not want to discuss the physical health issues or the barriers to further closeness with the T.

And I don't understand why having therapy sessions (if they were still by video) is incompatible with playing games, celebrating with friends, figuring out things that make you all happier, etc.

But I agree that you shouldn't have to travel there on public transport in the midst of a pandemic and the summer heat.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Fri Jun 26, 2020 9:12 pm

we do take care of the health issues. it was a bit chaotic, but that avoidance is mostly over.
some of us do avoid the emotional support issue and the need for distance is big. that is why I told the T that I want to talk about the plans to make sure it is not avoidance-based. she already agreed on that.
I find it hard to work on therapy topics and always keep that in mind during the week and then still do the fun stuff. we haven't has a break from working through tricky business for years. I just can't do therapy work right now. including figuring out the emotional support topic. whenever the thought of therapy work comes up I fall into depression.
I am not ready for the next big struggle. and sometimes avoidance is the right thing to do when the capacity to get through is not given.
But I am glad I will talk to our T about it, she knows me pretty well and she knows we would let ourselves get away with avoidance anyway. She sees us regularly and she sees what my energy levels are doing, how I always barely get the strength together to figure out one more thing, then hit rock bottom, then one more thing and then the big hole again.
I think last session she might have pointed us toward a break but I want to ask to be sure.

the insurance only covered video because of the pandemic. the rules changed again and video calls are usually not covered at all. if she says there is no option she has checked, she is incredibly good at getting special treatment for her patients.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sun Jun 28, 2020 5:21 pm

Just wanted to let you know that we are taking a break from a lot of things, including the forum, for a while.
we want to focus on getting all our medical issues sorted out and we made a long list of nice activities to help us feel like we are having a vacation, and to enjoy life more.
our last real vacation was 10 days of visiting a friend at the coast, and it was almost exactly 10 years ago. We've been in therapy for the last 6 year without ever taking a break.
we have some goals for our therapy and we want to do more phase 2 things, but to make that possible we need to collect some energy and recover from the fatigue.
if we just kept pushing, we would deepen the fatigue while also wasting therapy sessions on small things that we could solve alone if we felt stronger.
we need a focus that is more on our real life and less on the computer and internet. self-care rarely happens online. we will assess this decision in 4 weeks, and then maybe add another 4 weeks and then we will see.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3819
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:20 am
Local time: Tue Jul 07, 2020 10:42 am
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Jun 28, 2020 6:37 pm

We’ll miss you while you’re gone! Hope you have a wonderful break and that it’s everything you need and want it to be.

—the Gang
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby MakersDozn » Mon Jun 29, 2020 4:08 pm

We'll miss you too. Wishing you well, and hope to see you again soon.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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