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keep on keeping on

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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sun May 24, 2020 7:42 am

i think I might be kind of numb. cause I can see that the situation should be overwhelming and stressful but I just move on without having a lot of feelings about anything.
I do hear voices inside saying that we will die soon. but I am at a loss how to manage that other than by following our plans. I think being numb makes me suck at keeping us safe because I can't feel a threat. but I also know that usually after an injury things get more quiet.

I do remember you Nondescript. You were the one trying neurofeedback and we were forever bummed that we never heard how that experiement ended. I am glad to see you back. Sometimes people disappear and we think they probably didn't make it. :|
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Wed Jun 03, 2020 10:03 pm

we didn't do a good job keeping you informed, and in such a tricky time. I am sorry.

the birthday party went well. It was nice to see friends, sit ourside for a quiet conversation. we got a super special cake with the coolest sprinkles ever (like star and unicorn shaped everything-sprinkles)

the safehouse was quiet too. the Littles didn't say much and we tried to stick to how we usually do our day. we just ate so much more regularly and didn't struggle with all the bad body-feelings we often have. maybe we should eat less but more often...
there was another scratch but no more serious self-harm. it really looked more like a message of 'I am here' than anything.
the Littles didn't want to leave.
coming home was hard. we struggled for a couple of days now.
the Littles were coser to the front for our next T session and it got clear that they struggle with how small our home is, how there are walls everywhere and how little we go outside. the next days should bring rain and lower temperatures. probably one of the last chances to go outside before the summer gets too hot for this body. pain is already increasing...

there was the unwanted letter from the mother and an anonymous package that had cord in it. If that was supposed to tell us anything I couldn't figure it out. if someone inside was supposed to react on that we didn't notice it. now we have cord. well *shrug

I am struggling to bring some balance back. more fun. more easy stuff. more working with the hands. celebrating a friends birthday. confetti and baloons. games. less time on the computer. and less time just sitting around doing nothing while numbing out and staring into empty space.

it all feels pretty difficult cause we closer to the front can feel some inside who are feeling utterly lost. those who 'knew' that we would die on our birthday realized that it is over and we are still living and it is like they don't know how to continue with life, they were so sure.... this deep sense of being lost and not being able to keep going, to make plans, to live on, that is quite crippling when it comes to functioning.
it is still a puzzle who exactly we should manage all this and what we need to do specifically to support them.
the T had asked us to make a list of things we want to do this year, which came in handy when the first realization hit inside. we could go through it and give examples of how things would continue. no we have to live it.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Jun 04, 2020 5:27 am

Huh--I thought I typed a reply to this earlier in the afternoon.

Thanks for letting us know how you're doing--we've been thinking of you. I'm glad you went to the safe house, and I'm sorry it was hard to leave. (And star and unicorn-shaped sprinkles sound really cool!!)

I'm glad you got past the birthday, and I hope it gets easier for everyone who didn't think you would live past it.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby MakersDozn » Thu Jun 04, 2020 8:25 pm

Hi birdsong folks,

We too are glad that you went to the safe house and that your birthday went well. And we too hope that things get easier for you.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Mon Jun 15, 2020 11:39 pm

restoring balance means leaning hard toward stability, regulation and relaxation.
we played with new friends online over the weekend and it was a happy experience.
I try to get everything important done without getting overwhelmed.
we avoid a LOT. but our favorite distraction, social media, has become a war zone lately.
we published something on the blog, which restored some sense of normality (is that even a word?)

the body has weird pains and I should see a female doctor because there is something wrong but I can't make myself do it. and I don't want to talk to anyone about it. that would just make it a big thing. and when I am ready I just want to go, pretend I am ok, take some meds afterwards and be done with it.
I don't want the talk and the plan and the preparation and the appointment and all the big fuss.
we've never been to a female doctor in our life.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sun Jun 21, 2020 3:10 pm

can't reason with the others. I emailed the T about this $#%^.
we have a dysplasia on the cervix and it is growing and someone needs to take action because if it ends up being cancer we are dead if we wait forever.
the T also got the data from the biofeedback thing we did and our heart is totally out of whack, like, it doesn't have a rhythm at all, it just beats whenever it likes. not healthy!!
now I am trying to convince them that I can do this with Tara, she even ######6 likes being touched down there! but L just can't wrap her head around the fact that we could be useful sometimes or better at doing things than her :evil:
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Posts: 3819
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Jun 21, 2020 5:05 pm

It's good that you reached out to the T, Annett. I hope she can support you getting this done. Finding a good gyn doc who is gentle and understanding will also be important, I think. And maybe you can get anti-anxiety meds or whatever you all need to be able to get through it.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sun Jun 21, 2020 5:18 pm

I also emailed the lady who helps us with organizing stuff. she will pull a doc out of her hat and then we only have to go. and if we are really lucky she will drive us there so they can't run last minute.
I want to thrash something.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Posts: 3819
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:20 am
Local time: Sun Jul 12, 2020 7:13 am
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Jun 21, 2020 6:00 pm

Way to go, Annett!! We're cheering you on.

Can you do some kickboxing or go for a run or something?
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby MakersDozn » Mon Jun 22, 2020 4:58 pm

We too are sending you encouragement, Annett.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
Blog | Our Story | Journey
User avatar
MakersDozn
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