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keep on keeping on

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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby fireheart » Sun May 10, 2020 8:53 pm

Yeah, those things can get really tied up and it is tricky territory.
The dreams sound really upsetting and it makes sense that that would scare the kids.

Ugh. Sorry that more stress is coming your way, too.

Are there other ways you could calm down/ground/feel in control?

The situation sounds pretty crisis-y to me, so I would think it to be a good time to call for help from the T. Help to regulate, not yet to really solve hard stuff. But that is judged by my personal standards and things may be different for you.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun May 10, 2020 9:42 pm

We always try to remember that when there's something we especially don't want to talk to the T about, that means it's something that we probably should talk to the T about. And at least you know she can handle hearing about it.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby complicated87 » Mon May 11, 2020 4:43 pm

Birdsong I just want to tell you I'm reading and that you matter and that you sound so strong even if you don't feel it.

I hope this is all okay to say....

Do you think it's possible since you can know what Mike would tell you - that could actually be Mike? Maybe he's just supporting as hard as he can and because of all of the noise you have going on inside you're just not seeing him? Or maybe he is quiet because he's focused on holding you up in some hidden way? Could you try taking advice you think he'd give as a way to connect with him?

And as for the T not working with the DID diagnosis that would be hard for me. Goes back to that opinion not being heard or being dismissed. I can't trust or open up if someone doesn't accept me as my whole.

And as for dying on your birthday (as your abuser group sounds similar to my experience).....could this be because of a double number significant number birthday? Mine is coming later this year and I've been dreading it already for two years. I'm already trying to plan ahead ways to stay safe leading up to and around my bday and being extra cautious of strangers and old connections this year that could be laid as traps.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Wed May 20, 2020 7:09 am

everything feels like it is incredibly slow. we manage one bigger task every day. So on T days we can't do anything else, when we do grocery shopping that was all for the day... it makes progress incredibly slow.

our T ended up giving us 2 appointment with only a few days break between. I think she knew that the situation is trickier than it sounds.
the birthday is coming up next week. we made plans with friends and plans with the safehouse we sometimes go to. it is not all solved yet, still need to figure out transportation.
But if I do the grocery shopping today we should have time to prepare.

L needed some time for herself. recent events are hard on her. and always acting normal when nothing is normal. she managed to make saturday a really good day for herself. between all the flashbacks and pain it helped to rest.
I know we get to this place every now and then... we just have to let go of some of that crazy control because it is snuffing out life. I want to get better at it. it is just really difficult. we were taught what is the proper way to do things. stupid example but it is the proper (elitist) way to use showergel that smells like lemon and rosemary, it is not the proper way to smell like fruitsalad or candy after a shower. even just saying screw it, someone gave me this mango shower gel that smell like fruit juice and I am going to use it, is really big.
we had a dream, I can't remember it, but several of us were involved and rebelling against the weird education we got about what is the right way to do things. When I woke up I didn't want to forget what that felt like when we can choose how we respond and not just respond in the way we were taught is appropriate. L said it in the T session, she wants to be angry about the stuff that happened (sabotage). the T wanted her to understand and she could say that she isn't in the mood to be understanding. the T encouraged her anger as authentic but I think she didn't feel any of it because it was inside, not really tangible on the outside... we are learning. being understanding is another learned response one might get sick of...

L ended up addressing the pain/arousal problem and Tara being more active. the T was able to reframe it by explaining why this is a coping strategy to manage pain that cannot be stopped. basically, when someone starts to embrace it and welcome it as something positive, that is a powerful way to break out of the utter helplessness that could have broken our will to live. I think it is the same logic that makes some parts love abusers. in this case it is more about the pain and the abuse, not connected to a specific person, I think because there were too many abusers involved to make attachment good coping. but learning to love the pain and find pleasure in it must have been very adaptive in that situation.
it makes sense. we are just not sure how much that understanding will actually help when this sensation is seeping through to L. we need to find a way to cooperate with Tara. chances are she shows up because the pain was unmanageable, all the painkillers failed and we ran out of options. An SHE knows how to turn that kind of pain around for us, so it makes sense she comes closer to intervene. we need her to understand that we need more of a boundary there, that for L feeling things that way is closer to being traumatized than to help. she was showing some signs of an acute stress response... she doesn't feel a lot of shame, not like I do, but she struggled to talk about it because even just the memory of the recent events felt like a flashback and getting too close to the feeling was almost overwhelming.

we can only do what we can do. for now we need to start with chores again and taking care of ourselves. and if there is someone inside who thinks we have to die on our birthday we need to stay safe and make sure they don't get to intervene to make it happen. we've had one suicide attempt of an unknown part the day after our birthday, thats enough.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed May 20, 2020 4:59 pm

birdsong87 wrote:everything feels like it is incredibly slow. we manage one bigger task every day. So on T days we can't do anything else, when we do grocery shopping that was all for the day... it makes progress incredibly slow.


I can definitely relate to this. It can be very frustrating. I try to reframe it as "any progress at all is good," but there's always a feeling that I should be doing more.

birdsong87 wrote:L ended up addressing the pain/arousal problem and Tara being more active. the T was able to reframe it by explaining why this is a coping strategy to manage pain that cannot be stopped. basically, when someone starts to embrace it and welcome it as something positive, that is a powerful way to break out of the utter helplessness that could have broken our will to live. I think it is the same logic that makes some parts love abusers. in this case it is more about the pain and the abuse, not connected to a specific person, I think because there were too many abusers involved to make attachment good coping. but learning to love the pain and find pleasure in it must have been very adaptive in that situation.
it makes sense. we are just not sure how much that understanding will actually help when this sensation is seeping through to L.


Understanding might not help, but it's still the first step that has to happen (reminding myself of this as I write it). Until you understand the reason for something, it's hard to do anything about it at all--now it sounds like now you have ideas about how to approach it.

birdsong87 wrote:we can only do what we can do.


I should write this on sticky notes and put it all over my house. I always feel like I should be able to do more than I can do. Always.

I hope you get past the whole birthday thing safely--it sounds very scary. :shock:
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby MakersDozn » Wed May 20, 2020 5:20 pm

Hi Asti,

We too can relate to parts of what you wrote, specifically about feelings and learning new ways of doing things. And we wish we could smell your shower gel. :)

We hope that L gets the rest that she needs and that you get through the birthday as safely as possible.

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Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Thu May 21, 2020 6:51 pm

**** trigger warning****

more obvious amnesia, and this time combined with an injury that could just as well be the result of rape. I don't know how it happened, suddenly I felt an intense burning sensation and then there was blood. now all sensation is gone again
self-harm of that sort is not unfamiliar for us.
I am not sure what to do.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby fireheart » Thu May 21, 2020 6:56 pm

That is scary.
Is there a possibility you could go to the place earlier?
Or have a friend stay with you for now?
Or call your T?
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby MakersDozn » Fri May 22, 2020 10:46 pm

We're sorry you're going through this, birdsong folks.

We agree with fireheart. What are your options for extra safety precautions?

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby Nondescript » Sun May 24, 2020 3:10 am

Hi birdsong,

I don't know if your remember me, but I'm catching up and read that you're in a very hard time. I hope you're safe and finding some comfort with good people.
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