Our partner

keep on keeping on

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: Violarules, Johnny-Jack

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sat Oct 05, 2019 10:14 am

it is the fathers birthday next week. I find myself buying his favorite breakfast buns. I never bought those. it is just to have something to remind me of him.
it makes me feel so insecure not to know his role in all the abuse.
I know that what we have shared within the system so far includes family members on the mothers side. all the memories available right now say that he was working a lot, liked a certain kind of music and hiking and he is very introverted.
we kind of feel a lot more connected to him than to anyone else in the family. it doesn't make sense. he wasn't there when we lived through daily trauma through poverty. of course not. he left and didn't pay what he legally had to pay for his kids.
he is not exactly innocent when it comes to years of suffering.
but I do understand him. the mother is crazy. it was a good choice to leave. and leave all her crazy family behind.
we send each other superficial text messages for our birthdays. Just showing that we thought of each other. he always showss good boundaries. sometimes even honest gratefulness.
It makes me wonder what it would be like to get to know him today. its been half of my life since I have last seen him. he doesn't know who I have become.
but then I remember that he is rich and how he treated my brother for not being dressed in designed and tailored clothing. He lives in a different world and I have nothing to wear that would be good enough for meeting him.
and then I am never sure if he wasn't an abuser and the memory is just locked away in my mind somewhere. I don't dare to make more contact.
but I buy his freaking breakfast buns.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3544
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:20 am
Local time: Sun Oct 13, 2019 11:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby ArbreMonde » Sat Oct 05, 2019 11:17 am

I can relate. The father of here let all the abuse happen without protecting me/us. But sometimes when you live in an abusive environment, you feel gratitude towards the people who do not abuse you directly - or towards the people who could have done worse, but did not do worse. It's a brain thing. Does not mean the gratitude is deserved, though.

I thought, this summer, it would be nice to meet with the father again. It was this year's worst decision. But at least now I have stopped thinking about him as "that poor other victim of my mother" and I fully see him as "that guy who does not give a fudge about me".

So I guess it depends what kind of relationship you wish to keep/develop with yours. Do you want to just keep being polite? Do you want the truth no matter how much it hurts? Something else?

What you want is the most important thing right now about your father, in my opinion.

And sometimes, remembering things as nice, even if it's not true that they were nice, is just what we need to keep moving forwards.

--Zami--
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | ((Wolf)) | {Envy} | #Uriel# | .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | .....
User avatar
ArbreMonde
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 149
Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2019 2:28 pm
Local time: Sun Oct 13, 2019 11:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sat Oct 05, 2019 12:24 pm

I think that safety is the most important thing.
and If I can't guarantee that he is not abusive there is a limit to the amount of contact we can have.
simple as that.
i don't think we should have contact as long as we don't know if he was involved somehow.
and I am grown up enough to handle my emotions about the situation.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3544
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:20 am
Local time: Sun Oct 13, 2019 11:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Wed Oct 09, 2019 1:33 pm

I am not entirely sure how I am doing.
there was a struggle with some of the memories. Age and Danielle seemed to remember the same room and I lost it because it didn't make sense to me at all. like, how would they have kept us in that room? Where was it supposed to be? how should all that have worked out?
then I had a dream that took place in the trauma house and it made it very clear that I don't remember a significant amount of space in the house. specifically on the floor where a lot of the trauma happened. knowing the basic shape and structure of the house, there are huge areas missing that I cannot remember seeing, ever.
it kind of helps. if the remembered room is in that area everything seems a lot more possible. it might also explain why I don't remember.

I am super detached from everything. almost impossible to hear the others. without them I feel empty and like I don't have any interests in life. I do chores. I read a book in the evening. I don't know what to do with myself. I even worked on Astis stuff and did a workout because I was so bored and didn't know what to do with myself. everyone usually has suggestions.
I am not even feeling any real emotions. sometimes noises make me hyperaroused. I notice it. that's all.

it is the fathers birthday today. I sent him a text message, adult to other adult, things strangers say to each other. I am not sure if there will be a response. this is the contact we are allowed to have right now. birthday texts. if he invites me for more it would get tricky.

I am feeling low. like I am in mild shutdown. but it doesn't go away with regulation. maybe I am sad? then I only feel the physical part of it.
I am a bit afraid of depression coming back.
tomorrow we have therapy and we didn't do anything for 2 weeks because we somehow lost connection and I was avoiding really hard. happens to every overachiever sooner or later.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3544
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:20 am
Local time: Sun Oct 13, 2019 11:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Previous

Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: birdsong87, MSN [Bot], TeddyBear the helper and 97 guests