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keep on keeping on

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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sat Oct 05, 2019 10:14 am

it is the fathers birthday next week. I find myself buying his favorite breakfast buns. I never bought those. it is just to have something to remind me of him.
it makes me feel so insecure not to know his role in all the abuse.
I know that what we have shared within the system so far includes family members on the mothers side. all the memories available right now say that he was working a lot, liked a certain kind of music and hiking and he is very introverted.
we kind of feel a lot more connected to him than to anyone else in the family. it doesn't make sense. he wasn't there when we lived through daily trauma through poverty. of course not. he left and didn't pay what he legally had to pay for his kids.
he is not exactly innocent when it comes to years of suffering.
but I do understand him. the mother is crazy. it was a good choice to leave. and leave all her crazy family behind.
we send each other superficial text messages for our birthdays. Just showing that we thought of each other. he always showss good boundaries. sometimes even honest gratefulness.
It makes me wonder what it would be like to get to know him today. its been half of my life since I have last seen him. he doesn't know who I have become.
but then I remember that he is rich and how he treated my brother for not being dressed in designed and tailored clothing. He lives in a different world and I have nothing to wear that would be good enough for meeting him.
and then I am never sure if he wasn't an abuser and the memory is just locked away in my mind somewhere. I don't dare to make more contact.
but I buy his freaking breakfast buns.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby ArbreMonde » Sat Oct 05, 2019 11:17 am

I can relate. The father of here let all the abuse happen without protecting me/us. But sometimes when you live in an abusive environment, you feel gratitude towards the people who do not abuse you directly - or towards the people who could have done worse, but did not do worse. It's a brain thing. Does not mean the gratitude is deserved, though.

I thought, this summer, it would be nice to meet with the father again. It was this year's worst decision. But at least now I have stopped thinking about him as "that poor other victim of my mother" and I fully see him as "that guy who does not give a fudge about me".

So I guess it depends what kind of relationship you wish to keep/develop with yours. Do you want to just keep being polite? Do you want the truth no matter how much it hurts? Something else?

What you want is the most important thing right now about your father, in my opinion.

And sometimes, remembering things as nice, even if it's not true that they were nice, is just what we need to keep moving forwards.

--Zami--
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | {Envy} | #Uriel# | {Wrath|Pride} (sub-system) | @ Saul @ .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sat Oct 05, 2019 12:24 pm

I think that safety is the most important thing.
and If I can't guarantee that he is not abusive there is a limit to the amount of contact we can have.
simple as that.
i don't think we should have contact as long as we don't know if he was involved somehow.
and I am grown up enough to handle my emotions about the situation.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Wed Oct 09, 2019 1:33 pm

I am not entirely sure how I am doing.
there was a struggle with some of the memories. Age and Danielle seemed to remember the same room and I lost it because it didn't make sense to me at all. like, how would they have kept us in that room? Where was it supposed to be? how should all that have worked out?
then I had a dream that took place in the trauma house and it made it very clear that I don't remember a significant amount of space in the house. specifically on the floor where a lot of the trauma happened. knowing the basic shape and structure of the house, there are huge areas missing that I cannot remember seeing, ever.
it kind of helps. if the remembered room is in that area everything seems a lot more possible. it might also explain why I don't remember.

I am super detached from everything. almost impossible to hear the others. without them I feel empty and like I don't have any interests in life. I do chores. I read a book in the evening. I don't know what to do with myself. I even worked on Astis stuff and did a workout because I was so bored and didn't know what to do with myself. everyone usually has suggestions.
I am not even feeling any real emotions. sometimes noises make me hyperaroused. I notice it. that's all.

it is the fathers birthday today. I sent him a text message, adult to other adult, things strangers say to each other. I am not sure if there will be a response. this is the contact we are allowed to have right now. birthday texts. if he invites me for more it would get tricky.

I am feeling low. like I am in mild shutdown. but it doesn't go away with regulation. maybe I am sad? then I only feel the physical part of it.
I am a bit afraid of depression coming back.
tomorrow we have therapy and we didn't do anything for 2 weeks because we somehow lost connection and I was avoiding really hard. happens to every overachiever sooner or later.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Mon Oct 14, 2019 12:38 pm

last therapy session was really interesting. I like how the T tries to help us to get a new perspective on things. it feels exciting to see that what she offers might solve a lot of emotional conflict inside. especially the little war Thamara is fighting against Age. I want to learn more about systemic therapy. it seems incredibly helpful.

I wanted to say that L seemed to have lost contact and she stayed front most of the time but we were still co-con and after discussing it we think she was really stressed out and somehow that cut her part of the conversation. just guessing though. it started to get better after that dream she had.

we just had an MRI about the facial pain and its without results. so no tumor, no inflammation, no pressure on the nerve, no reason for the pain.
it means that we will try the trigger elimination next, just to make sure we are not having some kind of body flashback.
if that doesn't work we need to see a pain T to work on coping strategies.

we've exchanged a couple of texts with the father and it was all within good boundaries and with a certain humility. we need to discuss how to continue with that.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby IainEtc » Tue Oct 15, 2019 9:55 am

Hi,

Sounds like you guys are really handling things. Father stuff is tricky. I'm glad you have a good T.

Be safe ok?

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, & Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Fri Oct 18, 2019 5:20 pm

we moved the father topic to december. it is just impossible to work on everything at once.

we tried the trigger elimination with Age and it seems like it sort of worked but I am not sure it worked the way it should. When I sit in a certain way Age still goes into a body flashback thing we can't define properly. facial pain going crazy. but it only takes 2 small movement with the head now and the facial pain vanishes. progress, not perfection :roll:
I think we might have to do it again cause I am not sure what got elimimated or how much.

Working with the sand tray and Thamara to get a new perspective on the sister issue that leads her to reject Age so hard.
from what we have created it looks like the abuser family used a lot of the same tools on the sister. her position doesn't look so terribly different from what we experienced. same set of emotions. same set of tools. same isolation. to me it looks like the only reason why she got a different position was to create a wall between us, so that the kids in the family would stay isolated and not trust each other.
but she still enjoyed some of it. we will have to dig a little deeper.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Wed Oct 23, 2019 10:40 am

we've been extremely busy and successful these past 2 weeks.
trying to lean hard into relaxation and play. and social stuff like meeting people just for the sake of meeting.

we brought our sand tray stuff to T. it is always a risk when it is not clear if a T can work with these things. Like our favorite clinic T who is helpless with artwork and people keep bringing their pictures and he just can't see anything in them...
we showed the scenes we had created with the sister issue and the T was abe to add an important idea, something we didn't think of.
We also settled the war Thamara was fighting against Age. It was quite a process to understand her emotions and where they came from. The T did really well. she knew she had to ask if she is allowed to touch our figurines and she sometimes got up and added items from her own office, like a little clock to remind of grounding in the present/seeing parts in the present. it was very encouraging to see her do exactly what we do when our items are not enough :lol:
sand tray work comes really close to playing and we caught a glimpse of how she could interact with Littles. I get the sense that she is absurdly good with Littles too.
it was very good work. different, because we both looked at the miniature inner scene and not always at each other, but she totally noticed shifts in emotion. for a first try in this work she did so incredibly well keeping attention between us and the scene...
I am kind of blown away by how good she is. you might have noticed...

the result is that behind Thamaras rage there is a lot of fear. mainly of all the trauma Age knows. we JUST did the trigger elimination with Age so she won't get so triggered anymore and spill stuff into the system. it seems like we missed how scared Thamara got (she also didn't say she needed support, she just started attacking Age). I think she realized that Age is protecting us all, not just by fronting for difficult doc appointments but also by keeping silent about trauma. her silence is a bit scary but it is done so she won't share too much. we contained the memories together to see how scary Age is without the expectation that she will spill memories. maybe we can see her today and not connect her to trauma automatically... I feel like I am talking too much...

we spent the weekend reading 'unpunishable' and it describes a certain culture of dealing with problems in relationships that we want in the foundation of how we interact with each other. we found a couple of friends who share the same values and we will have a book club for this project where we read and discuss the matter and I am really excited.
we will have SE on friday and I hope that we can rest a bit til then.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby Amythyst » Wed Oct 23, 2019 12:08 pm

Hey birdsong, that sounds like alot of really good work!

We're glad the war is over between Age and Thamara. And your T sounds great!

Very happy for you all!

Viola
Cindy(? f); Em(22f); Melissa(7f); Viola(17f); everyone else is currently lost in the fog :(
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey ThreadThe Team
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Oct 23, 2019 4:24 pm

That sounds like a lot of progress. I'm glad to hear about it.

I find sand tray stuff fascinating. I have a psychologist friend who does sand tray work with adults and she has taught me a little about it. Did you just buy a sand tray and figurines and start doing it? Did someone introduce you to it? It seems like a modality that could help us a lot.
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