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keep on keeping on

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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby MakersDozn » Fri Mar 08, 2019 4:13 pm

birdsong87 wrote:
for us it was more than a distraction. we were bullied in school too. it is not safe for a kid to just stand around during breaks and do nothing. it's like yelling "pick on me".

Asti with Annett


Oh, man, this is us. :|

We didn't have the option to go to the library. Not until high school. And then it was too late, because even though the bullying had stopped, we were already firmly entrenched in an ongoing trauma pattern.

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Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 57f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Fri Mar 08, 2019 9:14 pm

no fun.
we only survived that time because D is hard as a diamond
I am sorry you know that too.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby MakersDozn » Fri Mar 08, 2019 9:57 pm

Thanks, Asti. At least I've been able to reframe how I see learning. It's not a coping mechanism any more, but something that I legitimately enjoy. As do a number of our others. It's why we ended up needing 12 cartons for books when we moved. :)

Mary and others
Multiple. Self-dxed 1996. Body 57f, no host or original. System of 47: 42 females, five males; 17 littles (7+under), nine middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), five bigs (18+older), + a formless yin/yang duo. Oldest member is 25.

Frequent: Charity (25), Mary (23), Laura (17.5), Allegra (17), Cass (17)
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Sun Mar 10, 2019 9:13 pm

is it ok to be a nerd?

I talked with the T and she said things about not hiding who I am. and how I want to have a life if all I do is try not to stand out.
because let's face it, I open my mouth and I stand out. all the time.
no therapy group where I am not the weird person who is way too brilliant.
no discussion where I don't get caught saying something extraordinarily clever.
at the same time... I am blunt at times because I get impatient with peoples emotions.
and I am more head than heart. and I most certainly know more entertaining things than engaging with people.
I looked at the criteria for ASD and I think I might still be too good at reading people and it doesn't seem the effort described for aspie girls. It is not all artificial. I am very coordinated too and good at reciprocity in conversation.
so it all comes down to me just being a nerd, with my way of thinking slightly different from other people.
and a certain degree of sensory processing disorder, especially with sounds, tactile stimulation and lights.
I think it is on the edge to aspergers. enough so that I understand what they experience to some degree. probably not enough for a dx. especially not as just one part of a system.

so it all comes down to the question if it is ok that I am nerdy and a little different and if there is room for that. and how bad our life will get if I am more like myself and less pretending to be L.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Fri Mar 15, 2019 8:16 pm

we are trying to deal with our fear of money.
the T said to learn the rules of peace and the rules of war, so we can tell them apart. war means the rules during trauma time.
because we are on disability it gets more complicated because we are not really living in peace and under the rules of peace. we are living under the rules of poverty.
we figured out the rules of peace. Danielle is extremely good with money things and she explained interesting things about saving and investing. I didn't know we knew that stuff!!
I think that if we had a job that paid more than minimum we would be really good with the money things.
we still have to take a careful look at the rules about gift giving. the Littles felt insecure about that.
just that, looking at some today stuff, was very draining. something broke in our kitchen and we suddenly felt overwhelmed by the whole situation.
today I took a big step and bought us a birthday present that we've been wanting for more than a year. it doesn't feel good.
next week the money topics will continue.
we will meet with an organisation that helps to fill out applications for a certain fund. they support abused people with finances for their therapy. so we could do the SE and not worry. it takes forever til it is processed, so this is a long-term thing. it includes a questionaire that asks pretty detailed questions about abuse and abusers and times and places. even just looking thru it was extremely stressful. and triggered some of the abuser-loyal girls who want to protect family, insisting that what happened wasn't bad at all. it will be super challenging.
and then we meet with a friend to set up a fund-raising thing for us and the blog. the only legal way we can be supported. more money topics.
We are still on top of things but I can see that the next week will be stretching. we are never sure how much of the therapy homework will move us forward and make it easier and when to stop because it would just pull up too much and kick us off balance. we are taking one day at a time.
Asti is feeling more of the exhaustion.
it doesn' feel hard, it is just a challenging balancing act we are performing here.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Tue Mar 19, 2019 3:01 pm

we are back from the appointment with the help organisation. the lady was pretty relaxed and a typical social worker :) I managed to stay front with Cookie right behind me so we could discuss answers. Mike tried to play games with the kids but we were not able to raise enough of a wall for them not to notice what was going on outside. I think its the sync exercises. they bring us closer together and life is easier most of the time, but not when we would need a little more barriers between us. Maya was more curious about it, Thamara was more reserved but she didn't get triggered.
the lady from the organisation made it seem like a quiz. she filled out the form and many times we just had to say yes. it even felt a little bit good to say the yesses.
our paper work lady had to be there because there is more paperwork to do, the application is not finished yet. I think she was a little shocked.
they ask about kinds of abuse in detail. and they ask about the effects today, psych and physical. some of the stuff that is broken in our body... you wouldn't notice it. we are keeping everything well hidden. I think it was the first time the paper work lady realized the extend of the abuse.
she asked some vulnerable questions later on our way home.
we made it without body flashbacks. probably because I was fronting instead of L.
I ended up struggling with hyper/hypoarousal but we took many tiny breaks, changed the topic, make a few jokes and that way it was ok to handle.
it took pretty long and even my attention span is not that long.
so we got thru the worst. it was not done in a way that would trigger parts like Tara to start a rebellion. because it was more like a quiz and we kind of scored high, Tara can feel proud about that.
we did go get some serious ice cream and sat in the park in the sunshine. we have beautiful blue sky today. just to remind ourselves of life and freedom.
I feel pretty drained and we will take it slow for the rest of the day.
we started watching that series of documentaries about japan and somehow the Littles LOVE the host, so it seems like we will spend some time learning about the meaning of stones in japanese culture. we already learned the weirdest bits and pieces and japan ist Weird.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby fireheart » Tue Mar 19, 2019 4:34 pm

Well done!
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby VioletFlux » Tue Mar 19, 2019 4:51 pm

That sounds really positive Asti!

Glad you were all able to get through things without too much disruption. And ice cream too, yay! :D

Arin
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby BeccaBee » Wed Mar 20, 2019 11:25 am

birdsong87 wrote:is it ok to be a nerd?

I talked with the T and she said things about not hiding who I am. and how I want to have a life if all I do is try not to stand out.
because let's face it, I open my mouth and I stand out. all the time.
no therapy group where I am not the weird person who is way too brilliant.
no discussion where I don't get caught saying something extraordinarily clever.
at the same time... I am blunt at times because I get impatient with peoples emotions.
and I am more head than heart. and I most certainly know more entertaining things than engaging with people.


lady birdsongs you must always be yourself and use your superpowers. that's the thing about have manys. you are stronger together than alone. like a pack. L is my friend. but asti is also my friend.

you just described awesome person. no worry about every body else or fit in. i tell my daughter she is a rose in a field of daisies and no worry about be special.

this I tell you, too. but I do not know what flower you is. maybe a camellia its ok be you. it's ok be special. we like you


ok bye.

also PS HIGH FIVES YOU MAKE THE PAPERWORK!!! GOOD JOB TEAM!!!

ps also maybe you just INTJ or something. nothing bad about being weird and cool and smart. all good. we are weird and cool and smart. no like me just make them dumbheads. bit not be mean to other people. we always kind to others.

Female, 37
Dx: DID, C-PTSD, TES


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Re: keep on keeping on

Postby birdsong87 » Fri Mar 22, 2019 2:29 pm

thank you purple bee and Arin and fireheart

what a week!!
therapy was pretty confusing.
for months now we have practiced synchronizing and it seems like it is helping us to be together. sometimes there is some blending and we truly like it. but it seems like it is messing with some other stuff.
when we take the meds to block the facial nerve pain Maya started to feel some of it and the dose is much too high for a child her age. she gets all funny in the head and it becomes a strong passive influence that even touches Asti. She has been scared because she sometimes loses orientation, it feels like being very seriously drunk or high.
so the T stepped up the exercises and now, in addition to the sync exercise we are supposed to practice raising dissociative barriers again. to get more flexible and be able to do it on purpose when we need it.
It triggered. because to those of us with less flexible thinking she changed the rules at random. and that is what abusers used to do. what was right one moment had to be done the opposite way the next moment. we didn't realize that this was the trigger until we were back home.

we also talked about the details of the fund and the T contradicted the lady at the help organisation directly and now we don't know whom to believe. it seems like we will have to make our own choice here and maybe not listen to the T in this. the world would not end if she was right. it would just continue as it is and we wouldn't get something extra.
she encouraged the Littles to express wishes too. Thamara got triggered by the thought of writing a wish list and showing it to someone. so the T tried to convince her that it is safe but she is stuck in knowing that it is not. whatever we did to talk her out of it didn't help at all so we backed off.

the T confirmed that it is possible to have autistic parts and also confirmed that it doesn't mean our whole brain is autistic. it just means that some parts don't use certain neuro networks that would help with social situation. so there is hope that after integration we will not be so different that we would be autistic. that is very important to Asti and added to her strong conviction that fusion is the way to go.

Asti switched front at some point. we never know if the T notices. she had used an informal pronoun earlier in the session that is usually reserved to child parts. did she think I was a Little? not sure. but she understood enough about the person sitting in front of her that she offered a new approach to the topic of needs. Asti has been reflecting on needs a lot lately. she struggles to feel body needs but got better with it. but she is really not good at noticing social and interpersonal needs. the T told her about rights. and how human rights and laws are a reflection of what a society considers needs. that is a very logical way to approach the topic and to explore it. so that was really helpful.
a long-term goal would be to create something like our own inner republic, with our own set of rights. this could replace old rules we learned.

we have a ton of homework. including a wish list with wishes from Littles, practicing dissociation :shock: and learning rights. all while still figuring out the rules of peace for money.
the rules are different from the rules of poverty and it is difficult to believe a big concept that is true for a moderately good financial siutation but not for us.
a daring step we took was to set up a fund raising option for the blog and our body work therapy. we didn't try too hard to make it look good :roll: it is a scary thing. but it involves a safe wish list that a friend is keeping to buy us 'presents' from donated money. and it seems like a start. one that isn't too bad for Thamara. because only one person sees the wish list and it is not a circle of people going thru it to decide if they would fund a Littles wish... she is very sure that kids are not allowed to have wishes...

so, we will see how all that will develop. next T appointment is in 5 weeks. she's on vacation now. if we go crazy we will bother you all with our problems...
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
birdsong87
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