relationship with DID partner in crisis

I’m new here. I have tried to post this topic 4 times and have lost it each time. I am learning about computers and how easy it is to loose stuff on this forum, but very frustrated. I love my partner very much . I believe he loves me. He has DID. I have PTSD with associated anxiety. I acknowledge that both situations must present challenges for each of us. A recent request from one of my partners alters has devastated me and triggered my anxiety and fear in a massive way. I have never sought support before because my partner did not want me to, he did not think it was necessary. His perspective was that living with DID should not be difficult, should not be an issue. His perspective was that he had the DID if there were any challenges they would be his, none for me. Recently he has had a bit of an awakening and decided that maybe I do need support and suggested I join this forum. I’m not sure, I’m fearful. I’m fearful for two reasons, one being judged, two that even though my partner has encouraged me , it may anger his alters. I have challenges living with someone with DID apart from the current issue. The memory gaps are difficult. He has some co consciousness not all and he sometimes is confused why I’m quiet , upset, hurt, confused or angry because I have experienced something from one personality that others don’t know about. He has difficulty acknowledging that something may have caused this pain and he doesn’t understand how angry he sometimes gets. He does minimize that and its impact on me. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking on eggs shells and anything I do or say is wrong to one of the personalities. This is challenging to know how to handle and react to. Although I am usually aware of his switching sometimes I’m busy and miss it, or I am experiencing anxiety and miss it and one of his alters tries to mimic being the main personality so that I don’t realise. We can discuss things and make decisions and I will act on that or discuss it later and he will have trouble believing we have made that decision or discussed it or planned something. These are some of the challenges and I would like to know if anyone else has these challenges and how they handle it. The big issue that has triggered my fear and anxiety, is the following. I do think my partner was brave and honest in telling me. He says he wants to be honest with each other and yet he couldn’t handle my honest answer and the emotions I felt, so that caused pain. We have talked further and smoothed that over some. One of his alters has told him he isn’t needed as a protector anymore and wants a life of his own which includes having his own girlfriend. My partner told me originally that it wasn’t appropriate it be me. This has devastated me totally and each day I’m fearful and experiencing awful anxiety and even panic. He has since said maybe it could be me or maybe there are other solutions but damage has been done to my trust and security. He is away a lot and has lots of opportunity including irregular working hours when he is home. I know he would reassure me that his alter wouldn’t do that. How do I know he won’t. My partner has time memory gaps and the protective alter is head strong and has done things in the past that he was unaware of. How would my partner know if he wasn’t co conscious. This would devastate me as well as put me at sexually transmiited disease risk. I know both my partner and I who have been in each others life for a long time would like a long happy loving committed joyful relationship and now it is all at risk and I can’t allay my fears or calm my anxiety

Hi Laceyjayne. Welcome to the DID Forum. I agree it is very frustrating to get your session logged out while you are writing a long post. There is a way to recover your work. What you can do is log in again then in the window where you lost the text use the back button to get to a page where it says Document expired and there is a radio button option to repost the page data. Click that button, and you should recover your text. [While I was writing this post my session timed out and I had to log in again, and I recovered my text.] Another thing you can do is cut and paste your final text into a text file before you click the Submit button. [I did this too.]

I can relate to your situation. I have DID myself and am married to a wonderful man who does not have DID; in addition I have a conflicted love relationship with another man who has DID but as far as I know he is not in treatment. I know how confusing and challenging it is to maintain a relationship with a multiple who is switching on you and has amnesia. The left hand knows not what the right hand does, and they are in conflict. Internal conflict is an inherent aspect of DID.

laceyjayne wrote:I have never sought support before because my partner did not want me to, he did not think it was necessary. His perspective was that living with DID should not be difficult, should not be an issue. His perspective was that he had the DID if there were any challenges they would be his, none for me.

Uh huh. This is typical denial, of the type known as rugsweeping. You really do need support, and so does he. I am so glad that you are posting here!

laceyjayne wrote:I’m fearful for two reasons, one being judged, two that even though my partner has encouraged me , it may anger his alters.

We will judge your situation; that is what a good peer support group does! But judging your situation is not judging you. You are seeking help, accessing resources, and that is healthy.

Your concern about your partner is wise. Although one or more alters has encouraged you to seek support, it is entirely possible and even probable that other alters will feel threatened or even betrayed, and will object or act out in some way. I have been on the receiving end of this myself: one part of my other man asked me to join him in a project, welcomed me, etc. And then other parts acted fearful and even did things to hurt me. For more of my story see the thread linked in my signature below.

laceyjayne wrote:We can discuss things and make decisions and I will act on that or discuss it later and he will have trouble believing we have made that decision or discussed it or planned something.

Been there, experienced that. I have experienced that exact situation from both sides, in fact.

Does your partner use drugs or alcohol, or have any history of traumatic brain injury? Those also can interfere with memory, leading to a lot of interpersonal conflict and confusion. "I never said that!" "Yes you did." "I would never say that!" "Well, you did." "Did not." "Sigh. Either I am lying to you now or you have amnesia for this. Which do you think is more likely?" We multiples often have families of origin that tormented us with gaslighting, so in these situations we become very hypersensitive and suspicious, even paranoid. Have you ever considered recording conversations with your partner?

Does your partner ever manage to dissolve his amnesias, and remember, once he has realized he is missing something? A competent therapist could help him learn how to do that. For me, learning how to reverse my own dissociative amnesias has given an enormous boost to my confidence and enhanced my personal safety and the safety of my family.

laceyjayne wrote:He says he wants to be honest with each other and yet he couldn’t handle my honest answer and the emotions I felt, so that caused pain.

That's normal. You probably do need to work on containing your own reactions, just like almost everyone. The goal is to react less and respond more. That means not venting, not exploding, not raging, not fleeing. This does not mean in any way suppressing or denying or invalidating your feelings. This means communicating your thoughts and feelings calmly, rather than acting out. This is really hard to do, but so worth it!

laceyjayne wrote:One of his alters has told him he isn’t needed as a protector anymore and wants a life of his own which includes having his own girlfriend.

Of course. This is an absolutely typical situation and naturally it has multiple possible solutions. This caught you by surprise, didn't it? Had you been participating in a support group before now you would have been expecting this and you would already know which solutions might work for you personally. Well, you are here now and we can help you cope with this. The DID Forum has many threads on this exact situation experienced by others, both multiples and their SOs (and other SOs). In my thread (link below) you will find links to the love relationship threads that resonated most for me.

I think it is a really good sign that at least one of your partner's alters is being open with you about his needs. I hope this situation works out well for you.

Hey laceyjayne!!

I'm so glad to ready you here. So glad you made it.

Wow, Una, thank you for that tip on recovering posts. I've certainly lost many that way. Will try it.

laceyjayne wrote:I have never sought support before because my partner did not want me to, he did not think it was necessary. His perspective was that living with DID should not be difficult, should not be an issue. His perspective was that he had the DID if there were any challenges they would be his, none for me. Recently he has had a bit of an awakening and decided that maybe I do need support and suggested I join this forum.

In everything I read it is one of the most important things for SOs to look for support for themselves; because it can certainly not be easy. I've experienced it myself, at the beginning when I didn't tell anyone, it felt like a huge weight, and I didn't know what to do. Afterwards, when I looked for support, it became much more easier.

I do think the challenges that arise from DID in a relationship with someone with DID are yours as well as his. So looking for support for you, I believe is more your decision than his. I'm truly glad you've joined the forum. And I'm also glad he's more opened about the idea of you looking for more support.

laceyjayne wrote:I’m not sure, I’m fearful. I’m fearful for two reasons, one being judged, two that even though my partner has encouraged me , it may anger his alters.

I like what Una said:

Una+ wrote:We will judge your situation; that is what a good peer support group does! But judging your situation is not judging you. You are seeking help, accessing resources, and that is healthy.

If an alter gets angry because of posting here, try exploring with him why does this angers him/her, what does he/she fear? Usually anger is a mask of another feeling, hidden behind. If this is difficult for you to explore with him because it may cause pain or anxiety try looking for good shields.

I've noticed that sometimes it's difficult for me to talk with some people, or to talk about certain issues. So, good shields for me have being texting instead of talking face to face. I can manage much better my feelings, and the other person's answers affect me less. Thus I can state my point, and read theirs.

I've also put an imaginary "energy" field around my body, and in that sense I get protected from phrases that I feel as hurtful. Look for good shields for you.

laceyjayne wrote:Sometimes I feel like I’m walking on eggs shells and anything I do or say is wrong to one of the personalities.

Hmm, this is difficult. I do think that in relationships we should be allowed to express the way we feel, and to listen the way the other person feels, and make agreements and work together on how to solve things. I do think it is important as partners to understand the specific situation, but I also think it is important that you can express how you're feeling without being afraid of his reaction.

laceyjayne wrote:We can discuss things and make decisions and I will act on that or discuss it later and he will have trouble believing we have made that decision or discussed it or planned something. These are some of the challenges and I would like to know if anyone else has these challenges and how they handle it.

What I experienced in the past was, for example, that I would make plans to see Gatsby, and Evo (another alter) would take control and don't show up. What I try to do was to get to know all of the alters better, to make agreements, to understand with each why he wouldn't come. Sometimes Evo just didn't know because Gatsby hadn't told him, sometimes Evo didn't want to, because he wanted to do something else.

laceyjayne wrote:He says he wants to be honest with each other and yet he couldn’t handle my honest answer and the emotions I felt, so that caused pain.

Una+ wrote:That's normal. You probably do need to work on containing your own reactions, just like almost everyone. The goal is to react less and respond more. That means not venting, not exploding, not raging, not fleeing. This does not mean in any way suppressing or denying or invalidating your feelings. This means communicating your thoughts and feelings calmly, rather than acting out. This is really hard to do, but so worth it!

That's really good advise that I'm gonna use myself for my relationships. Thanks Una.

laceyjayne wrote:One of his alters has told him he isn’t needed as a protector anymore and wants a life of his own which includes having his own girlfriend.

This situation has come up in the past in this forum, and some people have suggested a new "job" for the protector. Ways for him to feel useful in his system. Obviously, the idea of you having an actual relation with him is also on the table and for all you to discuss it.

laceyjayne wrote:He is away a lot and has lots of opportunity including irregular working hours when he is home. I know he would reassure me that his alter wouldn’t do that. How do I know he won’t.[*] My partner has time memory gaps and the protective alter is head strong and has done things in the past that he was unaware of. How would my partner know if he wasn’t co conscious.

[*]Bolded not in original.

Hmm, how would you know he won't? Humm, I think you won't. How can anyone know? This doesn't mean not believing in his words or his genuine intentions. For me, understanding that you won't know for sure understanding that we are human beings, and we can change our minds, thus so can he. Understanding that, also means, you can prepare yourself, and not being devastated if that happens. It also means, taking some measurements to prevent it happening to the best of your abilities. Talk to the protector, understand what it is that he's looking for, make agreements.

I went on a trip with my guy. I was so fearful that Evo would flirt with other guys in our trip. So I had a talk with him before going on a the trip. I explained how I felt, and that I didn't want him flirting with other people on the trip. He said it was unfair, because that was his nature, but that since it was so important to me, he wouldn't do it. I also said that I was trusting his word.

We went on that trip, and Evo never flirted with anyone. Even though, there were guys with whom he would've usually flirted with. He kept his word. And I did know, that I could trust him. And I told him so, that his word for me had a deep value, and that I could trust what he says, and he felt good for that as well.

laceyjayne wrote:I know both my partner and I who have been in each others life for a long time would like a long happy loving committed joyful relationship and now it is all at risk and I can’t allay my fears or calm my anxiety

I do think this is a journey, a journey to get to know yourself better, to face your fears, to come out of the safety zone and explore more things you can be, and more ways to handle situations better. Many times when you face your fears, they stop hunting you, they loose their power, and you become much stronger.

I wish you two a good journey.

Sea

Wow I feel a lot better. My partner has almost made me feel I was insane in the past when I tried to tell him my difficulties. He would become defensive and angry and try to make me wrong and him be always right. I will post in little bits so I don't loose my replies. What is an SOs and una thanks for tips on computer but Im not sure I can work it out. Im not computer savvy

-- Thu May 08, 2014 12:55 am --

Does your partner use drugs or alcohol, or have any history of traumatic brain injury? Those also can interfere with memory, leading to a lot of interpersonal conflict and confusion.

Im not sure how to quote things like you both have so above was from UNA.

He was /is again a smoker. He recently gave up smoking and this seemed to bring on a whole emotional crisis for himself and one of his alters who smoked a lot and it is that alter that now wants a girlfriend. He has started smoking again because he says he cannot settle without it While he wasn't smoking he drank a lot more which worried me because he is already depressed and alcohol depresses. He also switches a lot more when he drinks

We multiples often have families of origin that tormented us with gaslighting, so in these situations we become very hypersensitive and suspicious, even paranoid. Have you ever considered recording conversations with your partner?

His DID came about from abuse from his mother father and brother. sexual physical emotional. I considered recording but knew he would be angry if I did that so I didn't and didn't know what to use to record either. lately he has said that might be a good idea. He seems to be having some awakenings which is good and also devastating. His host personality is hypersensitive and that can be really hard. He tends to take everything super personally , even when I can't no matter how hard I look at something see how it could possibly be turned into something personal. Hence also walking on egg shells. He tends to get angry then and make it so I am wrong and his thinking the only possible thinking. This is hard. Thankfully lately he has also been working on this and I see some progress. Yes at times paranoid suspicious and sometimes questions that what I have told him he said is truth. This I have always been aware must be difficult for him and I make sure Im totally honest in all I say he has said and done. So his trust is getting a lot better. I think being totally trustworthy on this on my part is very important

-- Thu May 08, 2014 1:14 am --

Does your partner ever manage to dissolve his amnesias, and remember, once he has realized he is missing something? A competent therapist could help him learn how to do that. For me, learning how to reverse my own dissociative amnesias has given an enormous boost to my confidence and enhanced my personal safety and the safety of my family.

No he doesn't dissolve amnesia. He often used to get suspicious that I had taken things hidden them. I hadn't and don't. He finally realised on one of his work away trips that things went missing and I wasn't there to do it. One alter hides things like keys. He was away with a work collegue once and his alter hid the work mates keys. He then realised it was him not me. However when he looses bills or documents he still seems to be suspicious of me

As I read through I want to make it clear that my partner has so many beautiful qualities that I love. I don't want people to think its all bad. He is kind and generous and loves me etc etc. I guess though Im needing support with the challenging things and the were becoming overwhelming for me and unmanageable. Maybe with support I will be able to focus more on all the good things instead of struggling along and the focus being on the challenging things

-- Thu May 08, 2014 1:21 am --

I've noticed that sometimes it's difficult for me to talk with some people, or to talk about certain issues. So, good shields for me have being texting instead of talking face to face. I can manage much better my feelings, and the other person's answers affect me less. Thus I can state my point, and read theirs.

I've also put an imaginary "energy" field around my body, and in that sense I get protected from phrases that I feel as hurtful. Look for good shields for you.

lately I have been talking to him via text. it feels safer at the moment and is working for me. I explained that to him. I am an energy worker so I do a lot of energy protection and dissolving of bad energy. This has been more recently

That's normal. You probably do need to work on containing your own reactions, just like almost everyone. The goal is to react less and respond more. That means not venting, not exploding, not raging, not fleeing. This does not mean in any way suppressing or denying or invalidating your feelings. This means communicating your thoughts and feelings calmly, rather than acting out. This is really hard to do, but so worth it!

my own reactions are crying and sometimes I need to walk away because I cant cope with the pain and anxiety. Im not explosive. I tend to go into a peacemaking role which never works and tends to aggravate my partner worse. In the past communicating my thoughts calmly would appear to aggravate him. This has improved. Although untl the last couple of weeks I have always been squashed when I have tried to express my feelings or invalidated minimized or made wrong. I used to just go away on my own and cry then. He has never been able to see or respect my emotions. He has promised to work on this and we are doing courses on emotional intelligence together. I also need to improve in this. My PTSD comes from childhood sexual emotional and other abuse and rape as an adult and I have had a whole life of being punished if I expressed my emotions and I am in a place where I also need to be heard. Most of my life with my partner has concentrated on his DID and emotional needs and mine have tended to be ignored . We have made an agreement to remedy this and work on changing that

-- Thu May 08, 2014 1:33 am --

but I also think it is important that you can express how you're feeling without being afraid of his reaction

I have always been afraid to express my emotions and thoughts honestly because of the anger or negative reaction. This is changing. Im still very cautious and haven't been able to fully trust and let go of the fear

-- Thu May 08, 2014 1:37 am --

Of course. This is an absolutely typical situation and naturally it has multiple possible solutions. This caught you by surprise, didn't it? Had you been participating in a support group before now you would have been expecting this and you would already know which solutions might work for you personally.

I had wondered over time if this would be a possibility. He had always said No if it was going to happen it would have happened by now. So I believed him . Probably because that is the outcome I wanted. So yes it was a shock and has devastated me and I have become untrusting in this area and suspicious when he goes away

Hmm, this is difficult. I do think that in relationships we should be allowed to express the way we feel, and to listen the way the other person feels, and make agreements and work together on how to solve things. I do think it is important as partners to understand the specific situation, but I also think it is important that you can express how you're feeling without being afraid of his reaction.

I totally agree sea totally it is a core belief of mine. Until recently and he still is struggling with this, he was unable to get this concept. I think the biggest challenge was he thought he did, he thought he was like that. Huge denial. The reality he wanted his emotions thoughts ideas to be heard respected agreed to and his solutions carried out and as long as it was his way all good. He would think he wanted my input but manipulate the situation to get his needs met and make mine wrong or unimportant and he couldn't see he did this. I think he is having an awakening on this. Im hopeful I so need to be heard on some things and even if his ideas are different I need to be validated that it is ok for me to have my thoughts without danger and it doesn't mean im wrong or he is wrong just different and be open to change our perspectives if the others persons opinion and thoughts have value

Hmm, how would you know he won't? Humm, I think you won't. How can anyone know? This doesn't mean not believing in his words or his genuine intentions. For me, understanding that you won't know for sure understanding that we are human beings, and we can change our minds, thus so can he. Understanding that, also means, you can prepare yourself, and not being devastated if that happens. It also means, taking some measurements to prevent it happening to the best of your abilities. Talk to the protector, understand what it is that he's looking for, make agreements.

Thanks for your reply sea. I know what you say is true, Im also finding it hard to handle and as I read and write my anxiety fear level has gone through the roof. Don't misunderstand me I need to hear it. I already know it. Just struggling to face it. I have wondered whether it is best to walk away now in case because the thought of the pain if it seems insummountable. ANY SUGGESTIONS I guess preparing myself has me thinking my only course would be to walk away and yet I don't want to. sorry but crying now. I do love him and want us to have a happy life. I have taken steps last night and I will share what happened last night. I did all of what you suggest above. Yes it is a journey.

-- Thu May 08, 2014 2:08 am --

last night I gathered courage and told my partner that I am so fearful now every time he goes to work and goes away at what might be occurring. I used to trust him totally in this area. he alter that wants a girlfriend had been away for a bit. He had sent me a letter telling me he had hurt me and my partner so was going away for a bit. I got a letter from him last night telling me he had heard the above conversation. the following is a summary of what was said and how I replied

My partners alter wrote and said that he had been scared to ask but he wondered if I would be his girlfriend and he was afraid of my answer. He said he could feel the closeness of me and my partner and he wanted that also. He said I was the closest thing he had to a girlfriend but he wanted me to be a real girlfriend. I presume this includes sexually. He said he didn’t have a job anymore.
MY ANSWER. I told him I understood and understood his fears. I have them also. I told him we needed to include my partner in the conversation because it involved him also. I told him he needed to tell me what he wanted and meant by a girlfriend eg just talking going out intimacy etc. I explained about being boyfriend and girlfriend and having a good relationship means working at it, that its not always just fun and closeness. I told him there would have to be boundaries and we all need to discuss things to decide if we can handle it and what form it would take. I was honest and told him I cannot handle any part of my partner or his body having a sexual intimate relationship with another person that that is sacred to me for many reasons including cell memory transfer disease and is who I am and needed to be heard on those things. I told him I care about him and love him different to my partner and would like to get to know him more. I told him I was scared he would ultimately reject me because Im older and this older is 26. I also suggested a new job for him in the system and he liked my suggestion and told me he had lots of things to think about. THIS FOLLOWING IS FOR HERE WAS NOT TO THE ALTER. whether others agree or not for me it is not an option to share my partners body with another sexually. I have never thought about having a sexual relationship with an alter. It kind of feels like cheating on my partner or betraying him. We spoke on the phone today. He is away working. He told me he doesn't have a problem with that but I feel he doesn't know and scares me if he does have a problem. I want to do what is best for us all. Maybe it will work well. Im fearful of being rejected by the alter and I understand no one can control that. Will it be challenging to have 2 relationships and remembering what chat what activities belong to each maybe challenging and I may forget and make mistakes. Thankyou so much for the time and energy those who have replied have given me. I am very grateful. Im feeling more understood and less crazy and a little hope. advice on my last thoughts feeling like Im cheating would be appreciated

-- Thu May 08, 2014 2:38 am --

We went on that trip, and Evo never flirted with anyone. Even though, there were guys with whom he would've usually flirted with. He kept his word. And I did know, that I could trust him. And I told him so, that his word for me had a deep value, and that I could trust what he says, and he felt good for that as well.

that is important advice I will follow through on that