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SO just venting needing an "its gonna be OK"

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SO just venting needing an "its gonna be OK"

Postby Simply Monet » Tue Mar 11, 2014 4:34 am

Hi to everyone who reads this. (Sorry for the rambling and I didn't reread what I wrote, I figured I wrote what I needed to write them.)

When I first joined here, I was very sure this was going to be simple (compared to other events in my life) but its not. My husband has DID and 2 days ago it was officially one year since they started coming out. It's so amazing on one hand it seems like it's been YEARS and on the other because of my love for him... ALL of HIM it doesn't seem even a year despite all that we've been through since we found out about his DID.

I'm not writing to complain or fuss or to even say I'm just tired of this whole thing because I'm not. Many of those inside are my best friends and some of the kids are now just like my own kids. :) My husband is still the love of my life and I will continue stick with him through all of this. Even though that is how I feel and what I plan on doing... I feel so overwhelmed....

I am overwhelmed because I feel so helpless. :cry: He is trying his hardest to juggle 177 alters, trying to act normal w/me even though he hears all the voices and thoughts as if he was in a crowd constantly, he is at times rarely here because he is constantly switching because he can't handle stress therefore he is constantly losing time, he is also going to school in which the 2 classes he takes he doesn't actually take (2 of his alters take them), he is being a wonderful father when he is here to our 4 kids, he is trying to work doing databases which he use to do before they started coming out and he can't complete it because parts of him are protectionists so he's honestly MOST of the day on the computer, then he's trying to make sure I'm happy and OK and I try to make sure he knows I love him and will never leave but he believes I'm going to get tried of it all. What else can I do?

We temporarily live with my parents for now after the fall (which is when ones started coming out) because I needed help and didn't understand. So there are 9 people living in this house, I have a job which helps pay for our car and insurance, I can't make any more or they will take me off Medicaid which is what he needs right now for all the therapy he is in, docs visits and the meds which are so costly (including his diabetes meds), if I get another job to pay more in an Administrative Associate field it won't pay me enough in my area to be able to pay for the medicine, therapy, psych, etc.so we are right now stuck here w/my mom who is understanding and my dad who isn't (I guess he thinks he can help it and is lazy)--- why??, then I have 3 kids under 10 to take care of and my stepson who is 20 but has the maturity of a 15 yr old and doesn't take his ADHD meds regularly therefore he's EVERYWHERE!!, just found out the 10 yr old has some type of mood disorder (most likely Biopolar), then I also have major depression and anxiety issues (I finally started going to therapy :D ), it's lessened since I've been helping him which is nice, finally to top it off my Love - I can't help him like I want - I can't jump in his head and help him with his people, some of the alters (kids and a few teens) are leaving the house at night and being stuck in the cold or I have to search for them in the middle of the night, reassure them things are OK, warm them up and gain their trust at 3AM-5AM - wake up at 6:30AM to get kids ready for school, Therapy isn't going fast enough (it seems - we are establishing a foundation first before the T gets into the DID and PTSD ) but it's all time that I feel we are losing. I sit here and just look at him wondering whether it's my depression that finally made him pop... :cry: he's always said how sad he was that he couldn't make me better....

i miss my husband...

oh... I just found out that my husband, the man I married is not the core... the Core is a little boy who is 3 who became my son, he calls me mommy ... says most things 10 times... ::SHRUGGING:: I'm speechless right now... I've been looking at the screen for the last 5 minutes...

Please someone, anyone... just tell me it's going to be OK.... please....
Proud mom of 25 kids under 10, 18 kids under 18 and friend to 94 ppl 19 - 43. :)
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Re: SO just venting needing an "its gonna be OK"

Postby Una+ » Tue Mar 11, 2014 2:57 pm

This is a stage you are in, nothing more; this too shall pass.

I think it is great that you are working with a therapist yourself. You need and deserve that support. Your high anxiety is plain to see in your post. Dr. Richard Kluft, a leading authority on treatment of DID, often says that working slowly gets faster results. So take a deep breath and remember to schedule downtime for yourself.

Do you really need to "rescue" your husband when he switches and leaves the house in the middle of the night? I understand how anxious you feel when this happens, but you do have other choices about what to do about it. Have you tried talking through to his more responsible parts and asking or telling them to keep watch themselves? It may not have occurred to any of them that they have the power to do this, so it may be that all you have to do is point this out to them. Take care that you do not do for him things that he, being an adult, should be doing for himself.

Are any important alters in denial about being a multiple?

I hope this helps.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: SO just venting needing an "its gonna be OK"

Postby Seangel » Tue Mar 11, 2014 7:15 pm

Hi Simply Monet,

Woman, you're going through a lot of things, breathe.

It's ok to feel overwhelmed. You are all going through so many things. Try breathing and taking one thing at a time. When you look at everything, it may seem overwhelming, but if you break it down, things may seem more manageable. And lean on others, family and friends, colleagues, this forum are an awesome support that could help you a lot.

First of all, take care of yourself. Take time to breath, to sleep well, to eat healthy, and to do stuff you love and relax you. You need to be ok, to be able to be there for your kids and your husband.

Simply Monet wrote:I am overwhelmed because I feel so helpless. :cry: He is trying his hardest to juggle 177 alters, trying to act normal w/me even though he hears all the voices and thoughts as if he was in a crowd constantly, he is at times rarely here because he is constantly switching because he can't handle stress therefore he is constantly losing time, he is also going to school in which the 2 classes he takes he doesn't actually take (2 of his alters take them), he is being a wonderful father when he is here to our 4 kids, he is trying to work doing databases which he use to do before they started coming out and he can't complete it because parts of him are protectionists so he's honestly MOST of the day on the computer, then he's trying to make sure I'm happy and OK and I try to make sure he knows I love him and will never leave but he believes I'm going to get tried of it all. What else can I do?


What else can you do? I'm guessing not many things differently to what you're already doing. Being there for him/them, showing your love to them and letting him make that process.

You could talk to his protective parts (and all of his parts) and explain why him working on the database is important for him and could help him reduce stress. You could show them the money he makes could help him feeling less stressed out, and they could buy some treats for themselves as well. In that sense, they would be working as a team, and letting him work on the things he needs to work.

I think him acting "normal" in front of you eventhough he's listening all the voices inside, is him trying his best to be there for you. You can tell him how you feel, I guess you have, but the thing is he'll have to work on believing it him self. Believing that even if he switches, you're still there.

Regarding your dad, try ignoring his non-understanding attitudes. Might be difficult, but try to just ignore them, maybe one day he'll realize your guy is going through a lot.

Can your mom give you a hand regarding your kids? Taking them to the movies, talking with the one who might have a mood disorder, or maybe taking him to the School psychologist?

Regarding your step son, what if you give him a specific task to do. Once I saw this documentary where a guy with ADHD play a great role at handling a stressfull situation specifically because of his ADHD. So, if he could find something he'd feel comfortable doing? And helping?

Una makes a great point regarding your guy swtiching and leaving at night. Talk to grown ups in himself. Give them task to be protective at night, or to accompany them, and help them come back home.

Simply Monet wrote:Therapy isn't going fast enough (it seems - we are establishing a foundation first before the T gets into the DID and PTSD ) but it's all time that I feel we are losing. I sit here and just look at him wondering whether it's my depression that finally made him pop... :cry: he's always said how sad he was that he couldn't make me better...


You're not loosing. Every step he takes it's toward healing. Things just take time. And usually there is chaos before there's order. It's not your fault he's switching, it's the way he knows how to handle things. He also can't make you better, it's your job, and as I read, you are feeling better, and I'm happy for you.

And about him not being the core... all of him is your husband. The one you recognize as your husband is a part of him, as it's his 3 year old.

Maybe now you need to take some time off, maybe stop reading for a couple of days, to let everything process, maybe to occupy your mind on other things.

Take some time to breath truly.

Sea
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Re: SO just venting needing an "its gonna be OK"

Postby Simply Monet » Mon Mar 17, 2014 7:17 pm

First off I want to thank those who took the time to write me. It was very encouraging and I DID take my time to BREATH... who knew taking time to do that was SOOOOO Important. :D

I wanted to respond to a few things:

Seangel wrote: Try breathing and taking one thing at a time. When you look at everything, it may seem overwhelming, but if you break it down, things may seem more manageable. And lean on others, family and friends, colleagues, this forum are an awesome support that could help you a lot.


I am trying to take things one at a time now, I see the positive points of that because I do have so much on my plate but I can do it taking things one step at a time. I'm working on opening up to a few, there are a few that are supportive but don't live near us. I'm thinking of opening up to my mom a little more but some of the things that happen w/my husband and those inside seems unbelievable; it's so unbelievable it's as if we were living in a movie! But again... breathe... one step at a time.

Seangel wrote:Can your mom give you a hand regarding your kids? Taking them to the movies, talking with the one who might have a mood disorder, or maybe taking him to the School psychologist?


My mom is wonderful and helps me with the kids when she can. :) She also is extremely busy, taking care of my 95 yr old grandma, being a therapist, and everything else. But she does do what she can do especially when she sees us stressing.

Seangel wrote:Regarding your step son, what if you give him a specific task to do. Once I saw this documentary where a guy with ADHD play a great role at handling a stressfull situation specifically because of his ADHD. So, if he could find something he'd feel comfortable doing? And helping?


It's funny you mention that because they (I guess unsupressed) the Gatekeeper who had been missing and I met her for the first time the other day and she mentioned that, having Andy assist. At first I was very hesitant because he goes way into things and tries to dissect it and put something into it that shouldn't be there... it's just the way he thinks. On the other hand, he is very smart and he CAN put/piece things together that I hadn't been able to when it comes to his DID. So the Gatekeeper and I sat down with him and talked to him about why I was hesitant in him helping and they were not sure whether they wanted him to be involved either. So, he said he was going to work on his maturity, not talking just to talk or telling other alters things that others have said. So, I'm giving him that chance and I hope that he will follow through so that him and I can be a team for his dad.

Una wrote:Do you really need to "rescue" your husband when he switches and leaves the house in the middle of the night? I understand how anxious you feel when this happens, but you do have other choices about what to do about it. Have you tried talking through to his more responsible parts and asking or telling them to keep watch themselves? It may not have occurred to any of them that they have the power to do this, so it may be that all you have to do is point this out to them. Take care that you do not do for him things that he, being an adult, should be doing for himself.


Yes, I really do have to rescue him/them when they leave. We have 6 acres of wood in the country. The first time he walked outside and stepped into mud it was a trigger, the one that came out started walking down the street which we can't see from our house since we have a long driveway. We started searching the woods and finally my son went down the driveway and found him walking down the street w/no shoes on (he's diabetic also) and couldn't stop him. I finally got there, had to grab him my mom came with the car and we got him and helped him go where he was going, a lake down the street. Once we got there he got out of the car and tried to go into it to save his friend (who wasn't there). He then wanted to die like her and we had to grab him and put him back into the car. (His protector later told us that if he would have done anything to really hurt the body he would have come out and stopped him.
Others have come out (I'm not sure for what reason) and would run out of the house at night, in the cold. 2 instances I had to search for them in the night while it was cold. Twice he had gotten out of bed and someone came and patrolled the perimiter and was out for 15 mins during the winter and the last one(s) went outside, didn't realize they only had on underwear, no shoes and was leaving to go to the club but forgot the keys to the car, someone else had to find a way to get someone to wake up and open the door. :) So I did talk to the therapist about this and she said that I could get a bracelet or necklace w/an tracker for him. That is what I will be doing as soon as I get money. Does anyone have any ideas? (I think I'm going to post that question.)

Una wrote:Are any important alters in denial about being a multiple?


There are several who are in denial and there are those who have no idea whats going on like Wanda. She's just a woman who seems around 60 who sits on her stoop at her house and loves to come out to have coffee with me and gossip about what's going on inside. But yet she still doesn't understand the inside and outside and she's just fine with that.

Seangel wrote:You're not loosing. Every step he takes it's toward healing. Things just take time. And usually there is chaos before there's order. It's not your fault he's switching, it's the way he knows how to handle things. He also can't make you better, it's your job, and as I read, you are feeling better, and I'm happy for you.


They also told me something similar, there is chaos before there is order. They say it's been 40 years in the making and it's not going to be fixed in a year.

Thanks to you both for your help and time to responding to me. I will try to keep remembering to breathe, to love him and take one thing and day at a time.

Thanks again. :)
Proud mom of 25 kids under 10, 18 kids under 18 and friend to 94 ppl 19 - 43. :)
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Safety for dissociative fugue

Postby Una+ » Mon Mar 17, 2014 8:08 pm

I am responding just to the immediate safety issues.

Simply Monet wrote:
Una wrote:Are any important alters in denial about being a multiple?

There are several who are in denial and there are those who have no idea whats going on

Okay, but are they important? Do they take executive control? Do they create conflicts or other problem behaviors with other people?

Family plans for cell phones now frequently include GPS tracking so you can see where the phone is at all times. They are intended for parents to track children, but are useful for tracking the other parent as well. And for most smart phones there now are apps that you can install, that will tell you where the phone. This is useful for tracking someone who is prone to dissociative fugues, if they usually carry their phone with them. (By the way, DSM-5, published in 2013, states that dissociative fugues, formerly sometimes identified as a rare kind of dissociative amnesia, are rare in dissociative amnesia but very common in DID.)

If, during any dissociative fugues he tends to leave the cell phone behind, then a tracker on an anklet, bracelet, or necklace might be a good idea. There are also trackers you can install in the car, if his fugues involve driving. One way to get any of these devices is to contact community senior centers or volunteer hospice centers or local NAMI chapter or the community welfare officer of your local police department, and just ask them to ask around if anyone has one they are not using. Explain it is not to catch a cheating spouse but to protect someone who has a history of recent and frequent dissociative fugues. Refer to the media reports about Hannah Upp's fugues.

I must caution you not to rely on tracking devices. Here is why. It sounds like he sometimes switches to an alter who is in the middle of a flashback enactment involving a traumatic event in a nearby lake, so he may leave the house and very quickly be in real danger. Can you rely on a protector alter to prevent him from drowning? Is he a very good swimmer? That is important. If he carries the cell phone or wears a tracker, that would tell you where he went but perhaps not in time to save him. What you really need is to be awakened if/when he leaves the house. There are electronic devices you can install on doors to wake you when the door opens at night. Even just an ordinary shop door bell hung over the door might be enough to wake you.

Another thing you can do is hold a meeting with his alters about the nighttime dissociative fugues and how scary they are for you and potentially life-threatening for him. See if you can contract with them to not allow him to go walkabout at night, at least not unless he wakes a family member and gets them to go with him.

See also my post in your other thread, DID Forum: Any GPS Locator Ideas?
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: SO just venting needing an "its gonna be OK"

Postby Una+ » Mon Mar 17, 2014 10:05 pm

Simply Monet wrote:His protector later told us that if he would have done anything to really hurt the body he would have come out and stopped him.

Then why so much concern about GPS tracking and search and rescue? Do you not trust his protector? Do you not believe the protector would have the power to intervene?
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: SO just venting needing an "its gonna be OK"

Postby Simply Monet » Tue Mar 18, 2014 12:55 am

Una+ wrote:Then why so much concern about GPS tracking and search and rescue? Do you not trust his protector? Do you not believe the protector would have the power to intervene?


I do trust Them, he has a couple protectors. The thing is this March made his 1st year knowing he has DID. Before this we had only heard about MPD in movies and we know they exaggerate and don't tell the whole story. It took us 11 months to find a therapist who would see us that knew and worked with anyone who had DID. Right now with her we are working on building a foundation for him to stand on before we start talking about DID and PTSD (being in the here and now & coping skills) so ALL my MANY questions I have for her in the 1 hr and 1/2 we meet I get to fit in my 1 - 3 questions in regards to DID. :( I knew only what I read in books and what I learned from those on this AWESOME forum.

So I guess my concern comes from lack of knowledge and understanding about DID. The fact that I don't have enough time to learn quicker because I still have to handle our 3 little kids ages 6, 9, 10 & one big kid aged 20, part time working, down to one car so having to transport everyone to school and work, church, the household chores and now I just learned that I should be taking time for myself. :D :lol: LOL!!! I wish there was an audio book or something that I could listen to or someone could just magically put that info in my head. :) But since I don't have the knowledge I'm a times, sad to say just plain scared. Scared he might leave and be gone because even if someone has a protector w/associative fugue doesn't the person switch and walk anyway? He's Diabetic and always needs his meds and shots and depression meds they have him on. What happens if he leaves and has nothing? I hate being such a worry wart as ppl say but he's my world. He's been my world for 13 years and we've been happy. :)

So yes, I trust his protectors but if I did nothing and he went missing, then what? What would I tell me kids? Oh he'll be back in a couple of days, weeks, months? I guess I just want to do my part.
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Re: SO just venting needing an "its gonna be OK"

Postby Una+ » Wed Mar 19, 2014 3:22 pm

I had the same fear concerning fugues during the first year after I became aware of my condition. I read about Hannah Upp's fugue in Manhattan (New York City) in 2008, and I was horrified because that could happen to me. Her story is quite informative.

Hannah Upp went missing for 3 weeks and was found floating in open water by a ferry crew. She had another fugue in 2013, also reported in the media, but this fugue was much shorter and she "came to" on her own. This time she was missed immediately, because her employer had been told about her condition and had a response plan already prepared. When she came to she had no money, no ID, no phone. She got a stranger to call home for her.

Your husband has been living with DID all his life. So have I and many, many other people. Even with the amnesia, most of us are able to stay safe. Your husband has protectors looking out for him. That is the ideal situation!

Unlike your husband, I do not have a protector alter who would take executive control if there was any real danger. I knew I had episodes of lost time but until I found out about DID it had never occurred to me that during those times I was not me. The knowledge that I could suddenly go away and leave in my place a disoriented, traumatized, terrified small child was both horrifying and heartbreaking. When I realized my personal high risk of fugue I took steps to increase my safety and security. I am very methodical about my travel, always telling my husband where I am going and when I will be back, and I check in with him at major decision points. For example, if I park my vehicle somewhere and plan to spend hours on foot, I call or text my husband to tell him where the vehicle is and where I am going from there. I call again when I am back inside the vehicle.

It sounds like your family needs some extra social supports right now. Please contact your local chapter of NAMI (or equivalent) or social services office and ask them to help you find supportive resources. In my local community there are several government and volunteer organizations that can help by providing free or low cost transportation, caregiver support, and many other kinds of help. Ask your church staff too. For a few months my therapist would not allow me to drive to sessions, and a service club stepped in to provide transportation.

For threads on this topic try this search string:
safety plan site:www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity

I hope this helps. Fugues can be very risky situations, but there are many concrete steps you can take to reduce the risk.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: SO just venting needing an "its gonna be OK"

Postby Seangel » Thu Mar 27, 2014 5:10 pm

Hey Simply Monet,

I kept thinking about something your husband might do, if he hasn't already.

You mentioned:

Simply Monet wrote: He is trying his hardest to juggle 177 alters, trying to act normal w/me even though he hears all the voices and thoughts as if he was in a crowd constantly


He could write down the things the loudest alters are telling him (hopefully all, but at least at the beginning the loudest). In that way, they may feel acknowledged, and he could tell them he's going to try and do some of the stuff they want to. Could be simple things such as going for a walk, or deeper stuff like giving they time to express what they want to the T.

Hope this gets them calmer and he won't be so overwhelmed with such a crowded head.

Sea
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Re: SO just venting needing an "its gonna be OK"

Postby Lotsofme » Tue Apr 08, 2014 3:04 pm

Hi

Just wanted to tell you: everything is going to be OK!

I so recognize the need to hear that every now and then.

-------Little explanation about my situation: I am the one in my relationship with something close to DID (not missing time, no different names, but i do have a lot of the other symptoms, and like your husband, my parts are many... way too many.... ----------

I (one of my many parts) actually made my partner write down on a piece of paper: everything will be ok. and put his sign underneith it. And we had it hanging in our living room for some months. Now he only has to remind me every now and then...

And next to reminding you that everything is going to be ok, i want to reflect back to you that by what i read from you, i can only predict everything is going to more then ok as well. I am very impressed with your story. With all the things you seem to handle. With your willingness to learn, to love, to try, your curiousity, you are very inventive, caring and clever. The way you write and put everything into a well understandable text (with such a complex story) is impressive. So by what i see from you in this post, all i can say is you have all the intelligence, willingness and whatever else you need to make sure it is going to be more than ok. And it is ok, to want to hear that a thousand times...

Or make something to put on your wall/table/fridge to remind you that it is all going to be ok.

I have been collecting pictures with frases like that:
These are my two favourites, so google them (look for images) and print them if you like:
"one day things will get better, untill then here is a drawing of a cat." (And i love cats.., but you can also be a tiny bit creative and write down on a piece of paper: one day things will get better, untill then here is a picture of ... and then fill in whatever makes you smile and a picture of that. Flower, sun, moon,rainbow,dog,goldfish, eliphant, whatever)
"everything will be ok in the end, if it is not ok, it is not the end" (i personally love the first one the best)

Sorry for the long post, but i truly wanted you to know forever that: its gonna be ok!

Sending you lots of love and strength.

Lotsofme
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