DID Spouses

Hi All,

First post for me. Have been reading for a few months since my husbands DID became known to me 86 days ago. Have read many many books, spent countless hours researching and reading but I have found very very little for spouses of those with DID. I feel very alone at times, most of the time really, since his DID is kept from everyone but my best friend(I had husbands permission, he felt I should have someone to talk to). Can anyone offer any insight as to websites, forums or groups for spouses of those with DID?

Thanks so much,

DIDSpouseOR

Hi DIDSpouseOR,

I am a woman who has a BF with DID and have been with him for several years. I would be more than happy to help you and talk with you. I find it very helpful to talk with others in the same situation, as you are familiar with, I don't talk with people in my life about this as it is kept under wraps.

Please message me at your convenience and we can talk, I'm looking forward to it.

Hi. You've come to a good place. There are a lot of spouses here. Also, some of us have DID and have a significant other who also has DID. That happens a lot! Multiples tend to be drawn to each other. And many, many of us have other family members who are multiples too. There is a lot of observational evidence, from family histories collected by Dr Richard Kluft, that multiplicity runs in families. There is less evidence about how this happens, but it appears the transmission is cultural, not genetic. An adult multiple in the family, especially one who is the primary caregiver to the children, tends to damage the children.

Family. Many of us are very, very cautious about coming out to our families. I have DID. My own family is not healthy, obviously; that's why I have DID! My husband's family seems to be healthier, so we took a risk on coming out to some of them. After I came out my inlaws mostly withdrew from us. I think this is exactly what they should do, at first. They are being cautious and that is appropriate. But this means my husband doesn't get any support from them. At least not yet. That may change. We have not burned any bridges with them.

Think about all the many individuals in your respective families. Who is wise? Who is tolerant and accepting? Who keeps confidences? Who always seems to have good information about science and medicine? Who is calm and practical? It need not be someone very close to you now. Perhaps an elderly aunt or uncle, or a remote cousin? Perhaps someone who has married into the family and doesn't have as much personal stake or history in it?

Therapy. My husband has met with my therapists; I gave consent for them to talk freely with him. Ideally he would have a peer support group, but those are hard to come by and he is a very reserved man. Many therapists recommend that the SO of a DID client also see a therapist. This makes a lot of sense, and can be very helpful. It is important however to see a therapist who understands that DID is not psychosis.

Peer support groups. Often the DID is not the only thing going on. In adult men typically there is substance abuse (especially alcoholism) and some kind of acting out. More often than not the acting out involves sex. Right here on this DID Forum we have encountered everything from using (or being) sex workers to high-risk anonymous sex to complicated extramarital affairs sometimes including a complete second family. Up front polyamory (ethical non-monogamy) is common too.

All that is very painful, but it also means that for each of those behavioral issues there may be a support group available to you.

On online support groups for spouses recovering from affairs I have seen a lot of couples who are struggling with DID. Such infidelity recovery groups may support you well, if they are able to grasp the extra complexity that DID brings to the marriage. Some people on those support groups will insist that DID is a fantasy and the symptoms are just your husband telling outrageous lies. That attitude of denial and invalidation does not help anyone.

Support groups for SO's of substance abusers generally seem to be more understanding. Many of them understand the problems of mental compartmentalization that in the extreme is DID.

Another type of support group is for voice hearers. Hearing Voices Network has a growing good reputation. Many but not all voice hearers are multiples.

Bottom line is you need and deserve more support than you are getting now. You as an SO are welcome here, always, and there may be other resources for you in your local community.

Hi,

You're not alone. As Una said, this is a great place where you can find support and answers to what you're going through.

I used to date someone who has DID.

What I did, I read as much as I could, as you've done. I learnt with him what his DID was like, trying to understand together.

At the beginning I also told no one. Later, he also thought I needed some support, so I talked it with my best friend who is a psychologist. He was a great support for me. For the first time in my life, I was facing a situation I didn't know how to handle. After telling him, I also looked for a therapist, who could help me understand what DID was.

Later, I told some of my family, and even though they had no idea what to tell me, 'coz they hadn't heard of it, or didn't know what it really was, even thought that was the situation, it helped me a lot to be listened to and understood. To know that the situation I was going through was a difficult one, and I was making my best effort to manage something that most people didn't imagine.

I don't know what's gonna work for you. For me it worked a lot reading and trying to understand what DID was. Understanding that all of his alters made up a whole, and that the "host" was only a part of him.

This forum has also been of tremendous help. This is the place where I can share my questions and both DID and non-DID answer from their point of view. And that is priceless.

Every case of DID is unique. So feel free to ask, to post here your questions, above all, remember you're not alone. There are many people out there living and sharing their lives with a person who has DID, and it's amazing.

These are some of the links I found useful when looking for answers:

- The Significant Other's Guild to Dissociative Identity Disorder - http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/did/did-guild.htm
- The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation - http://www.isst-d.org/
- The Sidran Institute - http://www.sidran.org/

Here in this forum are many threads written by significant others who have specific question and find great support, which you might also find helpful.

Take care of your self.

Sea

Hi and welcome DIDspouseOR,

I too am a spouse to a man with DID. I have found this forum to be one of the most supportive, understanding and resourceful places for me when I am unsure or just in need of a little reassurance that things are within the realm of 'normal' for DID. My spouse and I both discovered his DID at the same time and were completely unprepared for it. That was almost three years ago. Since the discovery life has definitely been an adventure and full of interesting events. For me, it was NEVER even a question about NOT being a support to my spouse. As soon as we were presented with his DID (a day where he just all of a sudden was five completely different people) I too began reading and researching. This forum is always my first place to go when I have questions. I don't post a lot, but I read almost everything that people post. I find it really helps knowing there are others who are living and experiencing the same things as my spouse and I.

There are not many within my circle that know about his DID. I have found it very difficult for others who have not experienced it to even begin to understand. That being said, there are people who will. If you want to chat or have questions, please feel free to pm me.

-- Mon Feb 24, 2014 1:31 pm --

Hi and welcome DIDspouseOR,

I too am a spouse to a man with DID. I have found this forum to be one of the most supportive, understanding and resourceful places for me when I am unsure or just in need of a little reassurance that things are within the realm of 'normal' for DID. My spouse and I both discovered his DID at the same time and were completely unprepared for it. That was almost three years ago. Since the discovery life has definitely been an adventure and full of interesting events. For me, it was NEVER even a question about NOT being a support to my spouse. As soon as we were presented with his DID (a day where he just all of a sudden was five completely different people) I too began reading and researching. This forum is always my first place to go when I have questions. I don't post a lot, but I read almost everything that people post. I find it really helps knowing there are others who are living and experiencing the same things as my spouse and I.

There are not many within my circle that know about his DID. I have found it very difficult for others who have not experienced it to even begin to understand. That being said, there are people who will. If you want to chat or have questions, please feel free to pm me.

Hi, i am replying to an old post....my apologies.
I have had suspicisions about my husband for a while... but he was hell bent that it was other medical issues. I explained did, the symptoms and triggers and nurtured the conversation about his childhood abuse. He had no recolection of telling me about his abuse . There are many conversatiion and information that i know about him- he remembers none of it. There are many scary and unfaithful things happen to me, all of which i had a gut feeling about. I trust my love and my judgement and so far i have not been wrong.

Three days ago my husband bravely and openly spoke about d.i.d and how he has too many of the symptoms and a scary lifestyle- he wants help.

So here we are...we now have a refferal to therapy...our first real step forward.

I have been resilient, abused, scared, angry, sympathetic, proud and in love. All of these experiences had a hold on me, now i finally have my husband by my side ready to help himself. I have had nobody to speak to for 8 years, though the othr night j rang a crisis hotline and spilled my guts. The woman i spoke to just listened and provided a nuturing conversation for me.

A worried wife is the best researcher....however it is hard being alone. I try to be proud of my strength and give that to my husband.....

Im finally happy to talk in a forum, suggest help for others, and listen to how others think i should be

Hello mnb, welcome to the forums .

I'm glad to hear that your husband is getting help . Things may get worse before they get better, but he's on the right track, and healing will come . Have you thought about seeing a therapist yourself? Being an SO to those with mental illness can be trying and it may be a good idea for you to create a support system of your own .

I'm glad you found us IF you have any questions, or even just need people to talk to we're always here

mnb wrote:Three days ago my husband bravely and openly spoke about d.i.d and how he has too many of the symptoms and a scary lifestyle- he wants help.

Good. Coming to accept the reality of his situation and making this decision is by far the biggest step toward healing.

I hope he is able to hold onto his decision, but he may forget again. And again. Just be aware this can happen. Expect baby steps, and that some steps will undo work already done. That's okay. It is all part of the process.

You are not alone. There are many here who care about someone living with DID. That includes many of us who are diagnosed with DID ourselves. We recognize DID in certain others around us and we agonize over how to help. Not everyone needs help, of course. Most people who know me don't think I need help; they even tell me so. But many who obviously do need help don't yet accept that they do, so with them as with your husband there is only so much we can do. I am glad you are finding support for yourself. That is important, for you and for him. Take care of yourself!

Thank you ever so kindly for your responses. at the moment we are waiting to get into a specialist I researched, however there is a 6 week waiting period. I have decided that for now, I am ok...but will not hesitate to speak to someone in the future.
While we are waiting, my husband has decided to keep a nightly journal about what he remembers feeling during the day. I have told him that I am proud of him and that I am proud that he found a way to survive all those years ago...it really is remarkable. I have also told him that I fell in love with him, all of him...so I am hoping that subconsciously he will be able to hold onto that; that I hold no blame and am here to help whatever it is that he needs.
I am going to open up to one friend today so I am nervous about how to say it but we both really need a friend that's in the know.

He says sometimes he feels like he has just woken out of a daydream, but he thought that was a normal...and also has headaches a lot. He says his headaches feel like there is too much blood flowing through parts of his brain..like there isn't enough drainage right in the centre of his brain.

I cant see any triggers because sometimes we will be having a great day and then out of nowhere he is in a rage and is angry at me for no reason.

I haven't directly spoken to any alters, but there has been sufficient evidence that they exsist.
the only time I believe I have directly spoken to one they really really didn't like me, I was scared and thought he was putting it on...I now know though that the man I am used to being with was very very scared when I confronted him- he didn't remember.

Don't worry about triggers, meaning don't try to keep him on an even keel or prevent any switching. If that is anyone's job it is his, not yours. Sometimes the system is activated enough that insiders just pop out regardless of what is going on outside. Just be yourself and take extra good care of yourself so that you are in good shape: rested, calm, not hungry or thirsty, not overextended.

mnb wrote:the only time I believe I have directly spoken to one they really really didn't like me, I was scared and thought he was putting it on...I now know though that the man I am used to being with was very very scared when I confronted him- he didn't remember.

Absolutely typical. I have been in your shoes, although not with a spouse. I know someone else with DID who seems to be about where your husband is. Sometimes he says cruel things to me to chase me away, or behaves in a hostile manner. Other times he is a different person, overly friendly and warm with me. Still other times he looks so scared of me or of what might happen or might have already happened that he doesn't remember. I don't know exactly what the fear is about but that it is fear, even terror, is unmistakeable. I love this person and my heart breaks for him. If only he would reach that point your husband finally has, of saying "I need help".

There is help to be had. I know, because I reached my own turning point 3 years ago and I have found more help than I ever imagined existed.

Good luck to you both, and to all the other readers in a similar situation!